Why do we fall? Will we ever rise?

[gluguy]

I don't know how long this post will be, and sorry for any grammar or spelling mistakes in advance. I woke up recently, and English is not my native language, so mistakes may (and will) happen. Also, I don't know if anyone will actually read it or respond to it, but I want to write this post. I have to write it.

Even thought I was always a shy and lonely person, it was just until recently when I ever felt alone. I guess there is a huge difference when you are alone by choice or when you are simply abandoned, like a tool that people can use whenever they need you. That is what exactly happened with me. I'm still not that old (I'm 23 actually), but when I was younger, I was more naive. I thought of people as my friends, even thought all they have done is betrayed me. When they needed me, I was there. When I needed someone, I had no one. Not even my parents. They didn't really care about how I feel, what I want; all they cared about is the results and the future role of me in the society in general.

High School, as you may have guessed it already, was the hell. Not just because of the aforementioned reasons, but if someone didn't "liked" me, they openly hated me, and abused me. Because of that, slowly, but surely I had trust issues and started to become a closed person who didn't even allowed any person nearby himself. There were people who really wanted to be my real friends, there were even girls who wanted to know the real me - I tossed them away, because I thought that they are not different from those fake people I had experience with.

College was a bit better, but not that different. I already know if a person was just trying to use me, or really wanted to know who I am. Because of who I became, I didn't really develop any deep relationships - or at least, I didn't want to develop any. For the first time in my life, I fell in love. I really thought that there was one person who is different, and who may actually "heal" me, or at least someone whom I can open my heart to. But I was wrong. I completely misunderstood that person (and somewhat the situation either), and nothing happened from that. I didn't even want anything to happen from that point on.

While I had some dates from that point on, I still never really had a "relationship" as I imagine it in a classic way. Even though there were people who were interested in me and vice versa, somehow it still didn't work out. Maybe I was the reason why they didn't work, I don't know. What I really know is that I slowly, but surely started to become that person I was, again. To the top it off, not only I dropped out college (left it because I didn't agree with the recent "changes" they had - even though I have a Bachelor's Degree, I didn't have my Master's Degree), but I still have no job - which I really wanted to have for now on.

I really wanted to become an artist. I am a composer, and I have been doing it since I was really young. I have been training for it for a while, but failures after failures just took my mood and motivation to do anything at all. To make it worse, I even have been "betrayed" by my mentor, the Institution Director, who actually promised me that I can work there as a teacher, simply ignored me, then openly declined his offer. Because of that situation, I actually had to move back to my parents' house, which I really, really didn't want to do.

Slowly, but surely, I developed not only anxiety, but symptoms of depression - mainly because of the loneliness I feel. While I have some aquintances I can talk to, and even a few friends too, I still feel like I'm alone in this huge world. And this makes me feel... fallen.

Is there any chance of me rising? Maybe. I did it previously. But I'm not sure if I can do it again... over, and over again. Or did I just thought I actually risen, and I'm still in the deep darkness where I fell?

For the first time in my life, I don't know... I don't know anything.

Should I try to get a job? I tried to, but all I got is rejection, over and over again.

Should I start dating seriously? Even thought I have less trust issues as I had previously in my life, I'm still not sure if I'm ready. Self-esteem problems don't help, either.

I even thought about de-constructing myself and finding my true self. I actually have a hobby I found recently and I enjoy it. Most of my aquintances are from that hobby, but still... I don't know if I have the force of will to do that.


Well, anyways, thank you in advance for those who read it. I really appreciate it.

 

[TheRealCallie]

You can rise whenever you decide to rise and truly want to do so. I think the problem for a lot of people is that, while they SAY they want to get up and try again, they are scared to. Maybe scared to fail again, maybe scared nothing will change even if they do succeed.
The thing you need to remember is that you do not fail as long as you trying. As long as you pick yourself up and try again. Even if it's not the same thing, you just have to keep moving, keep trying to push forward in life. You have to trust yourself and you have to give yourself the opportunity to succeed and not subconsciously sabotage anything you try because of the negative feelings you might have.

If there's something you want, you need to try for it and keep trying for it until you succeed. If you don't, you'll likely have regrets later down the road. So get a job, start dating, get more hobbies, meet more people. Force yourself to do it in the beginning if you have to. If you don't, you may sink further into your depression and anxiety.

 

[gluguy]

You can rise whenever you decide to rise and truly want to do so. I think the problem for a lot of people is that, while they SAY they want to get up and try again, they are scared to. Maybe scared to fail again, maybe scared nothing will change even if they do succeed.
The thing you need to remember is that you do not fail as long as you trying. As long as you pick yourself up and try again. Even if it's not the same thing, you just have to keep moving, keep trying to push forward in life. You have to trust yourself and you have to give yourself the opportunity to succeed and not subconsciously sabotage anything you try because of the negative feelings you might have.

If there's something you want, you need to try for it and keep trying for it until you succeed. If you don't, you'll likely have regrets later down the road. So get a job, start dating, get more hobbies, meet more people. Force yourself to do it in the beginning if you have to. If you don't, you may sink further into your depression and anxiety.

Thank you for your response, and your advices in general. They are really appreciated.

You are indeed right in one thing: in the end, it's all up to us to stand up and do our best in our journey. There won't be other people to do for us what we really want to achieve. Also, it ends at the moment I give up, and won't "rise" again. I will keep it in my mind.

I'm not sure if I'm afraid to do the things, it's just... too much maybe? Too much to do at the same time, and I'm lost in the priorities. Well, I guess I have to do them slowly, but surely, step by step.

 

[GracefulFall]

Hi Glueguy, I want to ask you if you have any idea why so many others may be rejecting you? Do you have any insight at all?

 

[gluguy]

Hi Glueguy, I want to ask you if you have any idea why so many others may be rejecting you? Do you have any insight at all?

Greetings!

It's a hard question. If we're solely talk about the job-seeking aspect of rejection, I have a clear answer for that. First, I'm too definite (I already have my visions in a job or project I'm gonna involved in) and overqualified for the task, at least compared to what a beginner can do. It has many disadvantages, though. Many companies rather offer the job to someone who is less skilled, but asks for less money for the same job. If they simply want to give the same person more job, they instead train them themselves rather than accept someone's application who already has the skill, but would do it differently compared to them. Bosses won't risk in employing such a person for many other reasons either.

The problem with it is related to the second part of the answer: the lack of social network. Since I left college, my social network and the people I know (who may actually could help in finding a decent job) are now gone and will probably never ever talk with me.

In general... to be honest, I actually ignored more person than the people who ignored me. Only a few people who I wanted to be friends with ignored me completely (it's an other question how many of them played to be friends with me, at least when I was really young). I honestly ignored more people, and I kind of have regrets for that, but the trust issues I had in general just made it impossible for me to completely trust anyone at that time, and even nowadays.

For the "haters"... well, that's another question, and to be honest, I literally have no idea for that one. I mean, I didn't even hurt anyone and tried to be as nice (or neutral) as possible. Maybe I was just a bit of jerkass in the High School, and I didn't even realize it in the past? Maybe they hated me simply because of how I looked like? (I was fat in High School... not really fat, but fat by today's standards.)

 

[GracefulFall]

Well consider it that the universe saved you from a bunch of donkey butts! Sounds like they weren't really people of quality anyhow. When one door closes another opens. Don't stop looking for the next open door. And don't be afraid to step thru it when it appears. When the right people for you come into your being, you will know it by the way they feel to you. Keep that in mind darlin'.

 

[gluguy]

Well consider it that the universe saved you from a bunch of donkey butts! Sounds like they weren't really people of quality anyhow. When one door closes another opens. Don't stop looking for the next open door. And don't be afraid to step thru it when it appears. When the right people for you come into your being, you will know it by the way they feel to you. Keep that in mind darlin'.

Yes, that's something I'm actually really grateful about! And to be honest, I don't even want those people in my life anymore. It's hard to be alone, it's even harder to feel lonely, but I'd rather wait for the right people than having "fake" people around me.

 

[GracefulFall]

You're super glueguy!

 

[Hearted]

Hi!

I view you as quite strong actually. I think you've risen many times and that says alot about the sort of person you are. I think you can rise as high as you want to, and with a heart like yours it will get you far. You have hidden optimism and i can sense you want life to get better and in many ways reading through this it did. You found a new hobby that has gotten you quite a few social aspects, and if you're enjoying it i hope you stick to it.

Keep rising, because in many ways you are... it's just hidden.

 

[gluguy]

Hi!

I view you as quite strong actually. I think you've risen many times and that says alot about the sort of person you are. I think you can rise as high as you want to, and with a heart like yours it will get you far. You have hidden optimism and i can sense you want life to get better and in many ways reading through this it did. You found a new hobby that has gotten you quite a few social aspects, and if you're enjoying it i hope you stick to it.

Keep rising, because in many ways you are... it's just hidden.

Your comment made my day. Thank you so much And I hope I can fully rise. Maybe not in the way I wish, but in the way I should.

 

[handheart]

I was had the same problems i was to good with people and they betraid me .What i will suggest you its to read as much as you can about law of atrction ,napoleon hill book etc .Change your thoughts ,be optimistic ,be happy .And lets tell you something if you always feel lonely you will atract loneliness ,start thinking that the people love you ,you are a popular person etc

 

[gluguy]

I was had the same problems i was to good with people and they betraid me .What i will suggest you its to read as much as you can about law of atrction ,napoleon hill book etc .Change your thoughts ,be optimistic ,be happy .And lets tell you something if you always feel lonely you will atract loneliness ,start thinking that the people love you ,you are a popular person etc

My main point wasn't falling once, but falling multiple times, and the question was that what it takes to rise once and for all from the deep darkness. When do you know that you finally risen? Or is life actually a sequence of rises and falls?

 

[TheRealCallie]

I was had the same problems i was to good with people and they betraid me .What i will suggest you its to read as much as you can about law of atrction ,napoleon hill book etc .Change your thoughts ,be optimistic ,be happy .And lets tell you something if you always feel lonely you will atract loneliness ,start thinking that the people love you ,you are a popular person etc

My main point wasn't falling once, but falling multiple times, and the question was that what it takes to rise once and for all from the deep darkness. When do you know that you finally risen? Or is life actually a sequence of rises and falls?

There will likely never come a time in your life that you don't stumble. Even if you find yourself succeeding with everything you wanted, you will still have struggles and fall throughout your life. The key is just remembering that it's up to you how long you stay down. Get back up and try again. Keep putting one foot in front of the other.

 

[gluguy]

I was had the same problems i was to good with people and they betraid me .What i will suggest you its to read as much as you can about law of atrction ,napoleon hill book etc .Change your thoughts ,be optimistic ,be happy .And lets tell you something if you always feel lonely you will atract loneliness ,start thinking that the people love you ,you are a popular person etc

My main point wasn't falling once, but falling multiple times, and the question was that what it takes to rise once and for all from the deep darkness. When do you know that you finally risen? Or is life actually a sequence of rises and falls?

There will likely never come a time in your life that you don't stumble. Even if you find yourself succeeding with everything you wanted, you will still have struggles and fall throughout your life. The key is just remembering that it's up to you how long you stay down. Get back up and try again. Keep putting one foot in front of the other.

That's what I also think recently. I mean, it doesn't really matter how good the things are, you should not take everything guaranteed. Not just because you can lose everything within a second, but because if you take everything granted, you won't be able to appreciate all the things you have, or the things you want to have.