Look!
A lurker steps out of the woodwork to reply!
(But only for a minute before disappearing again into the shadows)
Enchantress, it sucks to be in that position.
I second something a previous poster said (and I'm sorry, I don't remember your nickname!) I have also been on both sides of this problem..
When my friend developed feelings for me, and I didn't have the same feelings, I would tell them pretty much just that.. "You're a very good friend of mine and I love you dearly - but not in a romantic way. For me, your feelings will not change our relationship and I would like us to remain the good friends we are today."
Thing is, some of them need a bit of time to "disappear" in order to deal with their feelings. Otherwise, it's like constantly rubbing salt on a wound without giving it time to heal. In my opinion, let your friend know that he'll always be your friend and you'll welcome him back as a friend whenever he's ready, but if he wants some "alone" time to deal, you'll be there when he comes back.
Now, not having this friend around sucks big time. It's possibly the most annoying thing ever to desperately want to talk to them and they not being around - but see if maybe you can keep some kind of connection like using emails or something.. It might give him the time away that he needs and still let you two be close.. It might not, but I think it's worth a try..
And let me tell you, being the one in love with a friend who is not interested is *not easy*
But, time and space and understanding make things work out in the end, usually..
----
On to the next subject in this thread.. hehe
A lot of people will develop "romantic" feelings from a close friendship. For many people, they're not that far apart from each other. Sometimes, that works, sometimes it doesn't.. People work differently and all versions are good. I've had several SO's in my life.. Most of them developed from a close friendship. Because for both types of relationships you need trust, and closeness, and good communication. And love. Yes, perhaps a different *flavour* of love, but love nonetheless.
Love isn't static. It grows, it changes, it adapts. Sometimes it starts one way and grows into something else. If it works for both sides, wonderful! If it doesn't, then it will have to change again in order to survive. That's fine. It happens. Sometimes it just takes some time and space, though.
(And I'm just strengthening things that other people in this thread have said before me. Good for them - they talk better than I do, anyway! And shorter! LOL!)
----
Next subject - Friends with Benefits.
Let's start by making this clear: THIS IS NOT FOR EVERYONE!
There are people for whom physical contact is a natural expression of love. And as I mentioned before, love comes in many flavours. For *most* people, there are internal categories of what they feel comfortable doing with friends vs what they feel comfortable doing with family vs what they feel comfortable doing with SO's.
Sex, from what I've seen, is a mix of physical and emotional drives. For some people - and the "socially acceptable" version - sex is *only* emotional and only done with people with whom there is the deepest, most encompassing level of connection. (What we commonly call "romantic love")
But, there are many people for whom sex - or some level of sexual activity - is simply another way to express love on any level (except usually family.. We're still pretty well programmed to be adverse to any sexual relations with family members.) These people look at the emotional connection they already have with their friends, and the trust and closeness they already have and let that draw them together.
For some people, sleeping with a friend is natural and doesn't come with "strings" or "baggage" or any expectation that the relationship will change. Quite the contrary, they usually hold the expectation that the relationship will *not* change and they're both confused and hurt if it does. They *really don't get it* They don't understand why it may change how the other person feels.
Now, that's not to say that a Friends-With-Benefits relationship can't *become* a deeper, "romantic" relationship. If it does, the expectation is that - like any other situation - both sides will *talk* about it honestly and compassionately.
One important note, though - if you *are* in a Friends-With-Benefits relationship and one side develops deeper feelings that the other doesn't share - *BREAK IT OFF IMMEDIATELY!* Otherwise someone is going to get *seriously* hurt. Be their friend, certainly. Go back to the first subject and treat with tactfully. But do not *under any circumstances* get into bed with them. *That* will bring all the baggage you were previously managing to avoid.
----
Last subject.. Remedy..
You are *not* stupid / pathetic / blah / <insert diss here> and anyone who tells you otherwise is a prick.
Regardless of how much experience you have (or don't) in any field, you are as entitled to an opinion as the next person. And what will surprise you, is that more often than not your opinion is a GOOD one - and you can usually explain yourself, which puts you in a much better category than people who state their opinion and then don't explain anything.
It would help (a *lot*) if you could stop taking everything as a personal assault (even when it's not) and actually *listen* (or in this case *read and comprehend*) the replies you receive. It would also help if you would discuss things, instead of throwing bombastic statements and then apologizing for existing.. When you do that, *no one* gets to learn anything from the discussion.
Oh, and I think you're awesome and really like you. Hope i haven't offended you *too* much!
----
Sorry for the insanely long post.. Slinking back into the woodworks now..
Hugs, everyone!
A lurker steps out of the woodwork to reply!
(But only for a minute before disappearing again into the shadows)
Enchantress, it sucks to be in that position.
I second something a previous poster said (and I'm sorry, I don't remember your nickname!) I have also been on both sides of this problem..
When my friend developed feelings for me, and I didn't have the same feelings, I would tell them pretty much just that.. "You're a very good friend of mine and I love you dearly - but not in a romantic way. For me, your feelings will not change our relationship and I would like us to remain the good friends we are today."
Thing is, some of them need a bit of time to "disappear" in order to deal with their feelings. Otherwise, it's like constantly rubbing salt on a wound without giving it time to heal. In my opinion, let your friend know that he'll always be your friend and you'll welcome him back as a friend whenever he's ready, but if he wants some "alone" time to deal, you'll be there when he comes back.
Now, not having this friend around sucks big time. It's possibly the most annoying thing ever to desperately want to talk to them and they not being around - but see if maybe you can keep some kind of connection like using emails or something.. It might give him the time away that he needs and still let you two be close.. It might not, but I think it's worth a try..
And let me tell you, being the one in love with a friend who is not interested is *not easy*
But, time and space and understanding make things work out in the end, usually..
----
On to the next subject in this thread.. hehe
A lot of people will develop "romantic" feelings from a close friendship. For many people, they're not that far apart from each other. Sometimes, that works, sometimes it doesn't.. People work differently and all versions are good. I've had several SO's in my life.. Most of them developed from a close friendship. Because for both types of relationships you need trust, and closeness, and good communication. And love. Yes, perhaps a different *flavour* of love, but love nonetheless.
Love isn't static. It grows, it changes, it adapts. Sometimes it starts one way and grows into something else. If it works for both sides, wonderful! If it doesn't, then it will have to change again in order to survive. That's fine. It happens. Sometimes it just takes some time and space, though.
(And I'm just strengthening things that other people in this thread have said before me. Good for them - they talk better than I do, anyway! And shorter! LOL!)
----
Next subject - Friends with Benefits.
Let's start by making this clear: THIS IS NOT FOR EVERYONE!
There are people for whom physical contact is a natural expression of love. And as I mentioned before, love comes in many flavours. For *most* people, there are internal categories of what they feel comfortable doing with friends vs what they feel comfortable doing with family vs what they feel comfortable doing with SO's.
Sex, from what I've seen, is a mix of physical and emotional drives. For some people - and the "socially acceptable" version - sex is *only* emotional and only done with people with whom there is the deepest, most encompassing level of connection. (What we commonly call "romantic love")
But, there are many people for whom sex - or some level of sexual activity - is simply another way to express love on any level (except usually family.. We're still pretty well programmed to be adverse to any sexual relations with family members.) These people look at the emotional connection they already have with their friends, and the trust and closeness they already have and let that draw them together.
For some people, sleeping with a friend is natural and doesn't come with "strings" or "baggage" or any expectation that the relationship will change. Quite the contrary, they usually hold the expectation that the relationship will *not* change and they're both confused and hurt if it does. They *really don't get it* They don't understand why it may change how the other person feels.
Now, that's not to say that a Friends-With-Benefits relationship can't *become* a deeper, "romantic" relationship. If it does, the expectation is that - like any other situation - both sides will *talk* about it honestly and compassionately.
One important note, though - if you *are* in a Friends-With-Benefits relationship and one side develops deeper feelings that the other doesn't share - *BREAK IT OFF IMMEDIATELY!* Otherwise someone is going to get *seriously* hurt. Be their friend, certainly. Go back to the first subject and treat with tactfully. But do not *under any circumstances* get into bed with them. *That* will bring all the baggage you were previously managing to avoid.
----
Last subject.. Remedy..
You are *not* stupid / pathetic / blah / <insert diss here> and anyone who tells you otherwise is a prick.
Regardless of how much experience you have (or don't) in any field, you are as entitled to an opinion as the next person. And what will surprise you, is that more often than not your opinion is a GOOD one - and you can usually explain yourself, which puts you in a much better category than people who state their opinion and then don't explain anything.
It would help (a *lot*) if you could stop taking everything as a personal assault (even when it's not) and actually *listen* (or in this case *read and comprehend*) the replies you receive. It would also help if you would discuss things, instead of throwing bombastic statements and then apologizing for existing.. When you do that, *no one* gets to learn anything from the discussion.
Oh, and I think you're awesome and really like you. Hope i haven't offended you *too* much!
----
Sorry for the insanely long post.. Slinking back into the woodworks now..
Hugs, everyone!
