Why does it hurt me that he sleeps with other women?

[forthegoodknight]

Oy, I could go on and on. I've been in this relationship for 4.5 years, and we've always said it was going to be a life long partnership, but without marriage. Anyhow, that aside, he's wanted to make this an open relationship for a long time...i get it, men have wandering eyes. But this is not something that i have ever wanted. However, I tried my best. First of all, I was willing to do anything- try anything in bed, roll play, invite others for a threesome, swap/play with other couples, etc. But I really did not want him sleeping with other women on his own. The final straw was when he started sleeping over at another woman's house and i told him i really didn't see myself in a relationship where by partner actually spent the night at another woman's house while living with me.

So we've separated for the time being, but he still says he considers himself in a long term relationship with me, though we are apart for a few months. in the meantime he has had sex with two other women, and has full intentions on continuing the trend. I get it, men have wandering eyes, and he speaks as if it is his way of knowing and experiencing women in a deeper more meaningful way...but really? Can't we find a way to do it together? Or is this a big fat waste of my time? OR, should I just shut up and deal with it, because, hey, at the end of the day he "loves" me?

Now, for whatever reason, I don't particularly want to sleep with other men, though I've tried it. I just don't want to. And when we get in discussions and/or arguments over why I don't really want him sleeping with other people without me...he always asks "Can you describe to me why it is that it hurts you that I have sex with other women?"

And my answer is never good enough. So help me articulate- why is it that I don't like it emotionally and mentally when he sleeps with other women and not me?

 

[IgnoredOne]

I think the answer is obvious; you hardly need me to go over the sense of comparison or feeling unvalued. Open relationships may work for a few, but not for many or even most people. I don't think that you should continue this as it seems to be hurting you more than anything.

It may be that this is the healthiest and best thing for him and that is, as they say, his path. Unfortunately, your path should diverge for your own health and happiness.

 

[ShybutHi]

When he gets back to the house at somepoint in the evening you need to look at him in an angry mood, grab him by the scruff of the neck, throw him down and lay him right there and then.





But on a more serious note... It sure does sound like you are not actually happy with this open relationship, it sounds like your partner is abusing the whole open relationship idea. Hence the staying over at another woman's place multiple times, treating things more like he has multiple partners.

In my opinion, your partner sounds like a *********, it sounds like he is staying with you more for convenience rather than love and has you in his vice. I disagree with what he is doing but that is probably because I am a bit of a romantic, I value relationships a hell of a lot more than your partner, your partner sounds like the complete opposite to a romantic. Not all men have wandering eyes, it really does just depend on the person.

It is hard to really come to a conclusion on what you should do about the situation. To me the relationship certainly sounds like it is based more on convenience rather than love. Even if this is so maybe you would want to stay with him anyway but I dont think it is right.

I think IgnoredOne is right when he says that you are probably feeling unvalued. Alot of people seem to think going from a closed to an open relationship is just for a bit of fun but it can actually really cause alot of harm to the relationship.

 

[blackhole]

So help me articulate- why is it that I don't like it emotionally and mentally when he sleeps with other women and not me?

love, duh

as much as certain people may push the notion, "open" relationships are not the norm.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Well...Im a guy. And it so happens
I a selffish person when it comes
to not sharing my partner. I have Jealouscy IUSSES??? LoL
When I make a commitment to someone. I make a commitment..
All bets are off. My heart and eyes
dont wander. Im picky when it comes
to women for reasons. If I have to best
I dont need the rest....

Toxic reltionships are kind of screwie.

One of my exGf forgot to informed
me we had an open relationship.
Open on her end but closed on mine.lol

anyways I kind da get ya.
I just go about it in a different way.
We break up...then get back togehter
then break up..
And still very much I love with her..

So I develope the
I ll SHOW YOU ***** SYNDROM.

When Im single...The rules are different. One night stands, threesome
or whatever to ease the pains of
not being with the one I love.

I have a very hard time develping
a close relationship with other women becuase of her..
Ive been in LT relationships not with her..and its not the same no matter how much I try to make it work..

---

Ive been with women pretier . Sweeter
than her.....

But the heart wants what the heart wants.

Its becuase theres was alot more
than just sex between her and I.
WE had a lot of emotional bonding.
We did many.many things togehter
and had a lot of fun times together
that didnt involve sex. Lots and lots
of romance and just doing fun actvities
togehter....Things that she and I had in common that I dont have with other women..

 

[tangerinedream]

In the meantime he has had sex with two other women, and has full intentions on continuing the trend. I get it, men have wandering eyes, and he speaks as if it is his way of knowing and experiencing women in a deeper more meaningful way...but really?

Forgive my being blunt here, but that has got to be the biggest crock of honeysuckle I've read in a while, and trust me, today has already hit the high mark on the Full-O-honeysuckle meter.

JMO, but that sounds like just another "I'm having my cake and eating it too" rationalization. I really wonder about the strength of his commitment to you.

And my answer is never good enough. So help me articulate- why is it that I don't like it emotionally and mentally when he sleeps with other women and not me?

I've never seen an open relationship that ends up in anything but trouble. Oh sure, it all sounds interesting, this notion of Free Love given willingly, but the fact of the matter is, people get jealous. People get insecure of their place in someone else's affections, especially when that person is sharing himself/herself freely with someone else.

Some degree of jealousy is part and parcel of human nature. If you were NOT hurt or concerned about his being with other women, I'd wonder about how strong your feelings were for him.

 

[ShybutHi]

Nice response Tangerinedream, I couldnt agree more with both replies you gave.

 

[Davos418]

yeah, Tangerinedream nailed it.

It's natural to feel hurt, I've been cheated on before, a lot, and it hurts.. it hurts so bad. It's not a feeling I would wish on anyone... and it seems that despite the 'open' relationship thing it is how you feel too. So yeah, you need someone who treats you with the respect you deserve

 

[Limlim]

Relationships are based on feelings, not just cold rational thought. The great thing about them is that you aren't required to justify why you want something in a relationship, only stipulate that you want it to be a certain way and that it is a deal breaker for you if it isn't. Open relationships are fine for those couples who both agree that it feels right for them. But when it doesn't it doesn't. This is your life and you don't need to put into clear words why you want it to be a certain way.

 

[SofiasMami]

Can I be blunt here?
Your title of your thread should really be "Why does he want to hurt me by sleeping with other women?" This man doesn't love you! He doesn't get it and never will - stop waiting around for him to change or to see things your way because he never will. Even if he's whispered sweet nothings into your ear and said "I love you" or whatever it is that cads do these days to keep women hanging on, he still doesn't love you. Quit waiting around for him to make a decision, get in the driver's seat and kick his cheating, sorry ass out - he should be done like toast. You can do far better than that. The only thing a man like that can do for you is keep you from meeting a man who's truly compatible with you. Dump him today!

Teresa

PS - Open, shmopen. Open relationship is just another way of this guy's saying "I-don't-care-if-you-don't-like-me-sleeping-with-any-skank-I-can-find-imma-do-it-anyway-AND-flaunt-it-in-your-face".

 

[beans]

Hmm sounds like you were not happy in the relationship in the first place.


Few facts:

1) There must be something in your life that you can draw happiness from apart from being with this guy.

2) What is it that you actually like about this guy?

3) I think you should be really careful about this person. Seems like he is sticking his .... everywhere. What about diseases etc?

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Lets cut through the chase....


Its classic abusive or toxic relationship.
You might reserch on codepedency to
educated yourself.


An abusive relationship dosnt necessary
mean there has to be physical violent
involved.

ITS PROGRESSIVE.

Emotional attachments...

Mental and emotional manipulations..etc..etc

The longer you stay in...the harder
it is for you to break away.
You self esteem gets chip away little by little..

Your in a mental and emotional fog.

Its worst than being addicted to dope.

Intuitively..you already know..its not
right and hurts...
You already know its not working..

Until the pains of staying is greater than the pains of leaving...you're staying.

Even if you manage to make a break...
Youll run back a few more times.
Faults hope or hoping things will be different.

Im not giving you advice....
I struggle with the very same sort of
situations.. Read up plenty and Im very
awaer and informed of this subject matters....

Its the process..you must walk through

---

Theres salutions....
And I certainly didnt like them....

It took me 3 years to get out of a toxic relationship..from the moment I educated myself...

My family and freinds even had to hind me from her. I even move and switch
employment...
Thats didnt matter...I kept going back to her time and time again.

She only cheated on me once...
but that was were I drew the line
While my exgf had other addictions...
It was relatively the same. I stayed for
3 more years....I had to hit my own
mental, emotional and spiritual bottom.

 

[Mazda13bRotary]

Holy honeysuckle tell that guy to fresia off! I'd punch him straight in the mouth.

 

[tllowe]

It sounds like he doesn't need to be in a relationship at all, he just needs to sleep around with whoever he wants and let you get on with your life - with someone who can be committed to you and only you! It hurts because you want to be the only one he wants and you are not. Women feel with their hearts where most men feel with something else and that is unfortunate.

Honestly, you should consider moving on, don't give him the satisfaction of using you.

 

[nerdygirl]

It is only polygamy when both partners are into it. How you feel is not something to analyze and overcome. I even know people who happily lived that lifestyle for years, who later became unsatisfied- and hurt about it.

 

[hbkdx12]

This may sound blunt and i don't want you to take this the wrong way but the problem with the whole situation is that you are openly establishing to him that you have no self worth

Firstly, you knew you didn't want to have an open relationship but for the sake of appeasing him you did it anyway
Secondly, Even though you didn't want it to happen, you rationalize and justify the fact that you let it happen by saying that "Men have wandering eyes" and making excuses (Sidenote - men don't have wandering eyes when they truly adore the person that they're with)
Lastly, You express your hurt but offer no real consequences as to what'll happen if he continues to hurt you.

So he has it chalked up where he believes you're ok with it. And even when he sees you hurt he still thinks you're ok with it because you continue to put up with it knowing very well you don't want to.

Someone once told me that happiness is always one room away. We're always afraid to let go of the things that hurt us and ultimately bring us down to the point that we give them more power and value than we give ourselves. If the guy decides he still wants to sleep with other woman against your wishes, you have to show some self worth and self reliance and start turning those wheels and putting things into action where he understands that you won't put up with it.

 

[SullenGirl]

This is why I hate men. My ex pulled the same bullshit on me... saying he wanted to be in an "open relationship".

I told him to fresia off.

 

[jjam]

You should try not hating men, sg. Besides, that's not a "men" issue. That's a "him" issue.

 

[Lollipop286]

A lot of men are ******** though so....a lot, but not all can be hated SullenGirl. Anyways, you're basically a back-up call. He can go around and fresia other women, but when he wants emotional lovin' he has you, of if he can't find anyone that night, he has you. You've been bending over backwards trying to please him by "being open" (swinging, threesomes, etc) and in the end it's not really helping. Personally, I think you need to dump him...take some time for yourself, and eventually find someone who wants to be in a monogamous relationship.

 

[SullenGirl]

You should try not hating men, sg. Besides, that's not a "men" issue. That's a "him" issue.

No, it's definitely a "men" issue. Men always give this bullshit excuse for why they cheat...because they're "not meant to be monogamous". Or, "they're not monogamous creatures". My ex told me "it's just biology...I want to go explore other women, I don't want to have sex with just one woman/the same woman." Biology? OK, you can take your "male biology" and shove it up your ass.

I can never understand a woman who will appease a DOG by letting him sleep with other girls, or having an "open relationship" with you. You have to be out of your mind.

I thank god that I am bisexual, because every relationship I've had with a female has not been filled with as much game-playing, cheating, backstabbing bullshit as I've experienced from men.