passerthrough
Member
- Joined
- Nov 28, 2010
- Messages
- 13
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Well, hello. Thinking about a way to best describe why I'm here in not too many words... I guess I've been lonely since I left school. Back then I didn't have much trouble with getting friends, it's just now, being an adult, that it seems very hard. I had a big chunk of the lonelies in my twenties when others went off to do the after-school-stuff. My friends moved away and I lost contact with them, I had a big dip in self-confidence and just filled the space with movies, books and music. And writing. To get away from myself and create a new world was bliss, and my interests have saved me from a lot of hurt, but also kept me away from "life". Lately though, I've had a really hard time writing and it brings loneliness. My only "friend" is someone I met at university ten years ago, but she goes quiet sometimes(and I mean months and months of quiet), and I don't know why. I never feel confident enough to ask, she is a secretive sort of person, but her behaviour makes me doubt myself so much. At times it feels like torture and it brings me down. It's so unnecessary too, because I'm really quite a cheerful person. I'm just shy, I guess. The kind that doesn't show(the worst kind!). I can act confident and speak confident, but to a certain point. Getting close to people is the hard part. I don't know why that is. Maybe because I grew up with my father(and his fondness for alcohol) and was never really supported emotionally. I learned to grew up, take care of things and a lot of people thought I was a lot more mature than my classmates, I even looked older. Lately though I'm regressing, like in a rebellious way, and I don't want to grow up. I'm so fond of the pure joy of animated cartoons and movies, of fantasy and imagination. I can't read the serious books or watch the movies I enjoyed in my twenties(dramas and such), they bore me, and I just want the entertaining laughter and escapism, like I'm pushing things away.
I don't know how I got into all that, but there it is... To sum things up: I have nine friends on facebook, most of them are relatives, I communicate with about two but not much anymore, I can't write and I'm getting desperate, my sister(who I've spent most of my time with, has a boyfriend now and they're like siamese twins. Relationships scare the honeysuckle out of me, that's the basic truth, so I guess I'm the one pushing people away. Or I'm drawn to people who push me away, I don't know. I just know I'm lonely.
Thanks for reading. I didn't mean to write so much, I guess it's a force of habit.
I don't know how I got into all that, but there it is... To sum things up: I have nine friends on facebook, most of them are relatives, I communicate with about two but not much anymore, I can't write and I'm getting desperate, my sister(who I've spent most of my time with, has a boyfriend now and they're like siamese twins. Relationships scare the honeysuckle out of me, that's the basic truth, so I guess I'm the one pushing people away. Or I'm drawn to people who push me away, I don't know. I just know I'm lonely.
Thanks for reading. I didn't mean to write so much, I guess it's a force of habit.