Words cannot describe how awfully I am sick and restless from being so alone and anxious all the time. I do not wish to wake up and get up. I do not know if I can go much further in this apathetic state. My depression and anxiety prevent me from fully living my life. I get up usually around 2 or 3pm and sit at my desk and occupy myself with my computer and the internet. I go to the same websites and forums, then I refresh all of them throughout the day. I check my email dozens of times a day. When I get tired or bored of the internet I turn on my Xbox 360 and play video games. I go back and forth between these digital getaways. I do not go outside often. I occasionally go for a 30 mile bike ride, usually once a week. I go to class two times a week. I get up at 1pm, shower, and catch the bus, with my music on, I feel out of place every where I go. During class though, I do not feel this way. In my English class, I get along with a few people. In my AutoCAD class, I sit next to this girl, we get along very well. I help her, and she genuinely appreciates it. Funny thing happened this past class, out of no where, she asked me if I signed up for the next class, AutoCAD 2, I replied that I had not. She then logged into the school's website and told me who taught it, and asked me if I knew him and I said I had not, she then suggested to me that I should sign up for the same class. I said I would, so I logged in and went to the page where to do it, she then guided me through the steps to sign up for the same class. She told me that it would be nice to already know someone in the class. I would consider her my friend, though I only see her in class. After class I put the cover of my music back on and briskly walk to the bus stop where I patiently and quietly wait for the bus, I do not usually talk to anyone. Although two weeks ago I did talk to this one girl the entire time on the bus. I felt really good about myself after that. It feels rewarding and uplifting when I converse with someone. It is not an act I participate in often. Sometimes I talk to my family, but 90% of those conversations are not fulfilling because they are usually arguments or complaints being thrown across the room. Which is one reason why I sit in my cold, lonely room most of the time. I am not living, I am sitting there watching life goes by as I wallow in my sadness, depression, and fear of the outside world. I wish to be free of this shade over my heart and soul. It has grown on me, and I feel used to it but I know that I want it gone. I am afraid though of trying to live my life, instead of being apathetic, but I am afraid. I am afraid that I will fail. I am afraid of being rejected. I am afraid of not belonging. I feel as if I do not belong anymore. No matter what I do, or where I go, I do not feel like I belong any where. The few places would my room, not my house, I do not consider this house to be my home. The other being my grandmother's house I visit every year. It is heaven there. When I visit there via train, life is a bliss, no worries, I let my problems fade away for those few weeks. I wish my life would feel that way everyday. I wish I could get up in the morning and feel refreshed and joyful and ready to face the world, and take what it brings whether it of negativeness or positiveness. I yearn for that life, the life that I lack. Most simple actions require me to muster up enough strength and convincing. Examples of these actions would be eating, going to sleep, going to class, even getting out of my room, and going out for a bike ride. I try my hardest, but my depression often has a strong influence on my mind and body. It is a dark restraint that never loosens. My anxiety causes me to become so restless, nothing I do calms me down, maybe except for one action, riding my bicycle, but it only lasts the duration that I ride. I want to live my life but I cannot muster the strength to do the things that need to be done. This deep sadness inside me lingers in my heart and soul. Everywhere I go it is there, feeding into my depression. It is a cold and deadly cycle. The trials and tribulations of life have an effect 100 times that of a normal person. Even the smallest unwanted or bad things that happen to me can bring me all the way down inside. I do not look forward to much anymore, because I know that there is a great chance of it letting me down. I always point out the negative things in my life, I rarely "look on the bright side of life" I am at a lack of words for the reasoning of this. I do apologize for this long string of text. I am letting my mind wander through fingers onto the keyboard, and onto this post.
I have great sadness inside. The sadness of many lives. I wish that I could vanquish this sadness instead of just temporarily repelling it.
I have great sadness inside. The sadness of many lives. I wish that I could vanquish this sadness instead of just temporarily repelling it.