Your personal opinions?

[user 150037]

I have been harboring secret feelings towards my friend (which I would never reveal - cos I know that trying to pursue anything more would be a monumentally bad idea!) and I'm curious...

If you had a friend (even if you don't, let's be hypothetical) and they said to you that they've developed feelings for you - but they've made it clear that they value your friendship and wouldn't expect anything more; AND that they were just telling you because they felt that you should know how they feel - how would you react? What would you say? And would you continue to be friends with them?

 

[Cherubino]

It is because of this type of setup I don't think friendship between two singles is possible ... how on Earth you can get closer and closer to someone (being both sexually frustrated) without the wish to bang them ... with or without feelings

 

[okidoke]

……. that they were just telling you because they felt that you should know how they feel…….

This, this is stupid of them. They are dumb to say this. They only say this because they actually DO want more. It’s a friendship killer in my opinion.

 

[user 190541]

This, this is stupid of them. They are dumb to say this. They only say this because they actually DO want more. It’s a friendship killer in my opinion.

I don't think it's necessarily a friendship killer, but I agree that it's a very bad idea. Indeed, if they say that, then they either want more, clinging to the smallest bit of hope that it might turn into something more than a friendship, or they trust that person so much that they are willing to tell it to them because they believe that they're gonna be understood and accepted. That's precisely where the mistake is. Never expect people to understand you and accept you unconditionally, specially in such a situation (except maybe if it's your mother or wife/husband and you have a really good relationship, but not if it's a friend and not if it's in this situation). Moral of the story: best thing you can do is keep your mouth shut.

 

[Adamridge79]

I've always messed this up. Once was pretty cool, the other...oh, was that so cringe on my part. I need a shock collar if there's a next time, since I clearly lack common sense

 

[user 150037]

I don't think it's necessarily a friendship killer, but I agree that it's a very bad idea. Indeed, if they say that, then they either want more, clinging to the smallest bit of hope that it might turn into something more than a friendship, or they trust that person so much that they are willing to tell it to them because they believe that they're gonna be understood and accepted. That's precisely where the mistake is. Never expect people to understand you and accept you unconditionally, specially in such a situation (except maybe if it's your mother or wife/husband and you have a really good relationship, but not if it's a friend and not if it's in this situation). Moral of the story: best thing you can do is keep your mouth shut.

I hear ya'. I'm trying to keep a bit of distance between me and her; I've laid some ground-rules for myself. No private texts or phonecalls. No encouraging one-on-one meet-ups (I think this was the trigger). I'll just keep our interactions 'within the group'. She's a really great friend to have, and I'm so lucky that I found this group, I don't want giving this group up to become an option. I'll just have to try to distract myself best I can.

Thanks for the words. Well, same with everyone else.

 

[user 150037]

It is because of this type of setup I don't think friendship between two singles is possible ... how on Earth you can get closer and closer to someone (being both sexually frustrated) without the wish to bang them ... with or without feelings

I'm hoping that you're wrong. Because she's the first proper friend I've ever had (well, so are the others) and I'd hate to allow my stupid feelings to fudge it up.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

This happens to me all the time, I just say awh how sweet and never mention it again. I’ve guy friends I love deeply but not in a romantic way and they are always trying to touch me and kiss me and sleep with me its so exhausting. I would prefer your approach, just someone voicing their feelings and allowing me to set the pace. If I am bored it may be dangerous though, as boredom makes me play along with people I dont even like because idk… I have some toxic ways the lord needs to heal so just be careful of game play

 

[Cherubino]

This happens to me all the time, I just say awh how sweet and never mention it again. I’ve guy friends I love deeply but not in a romantic way and they are always trying to touch me and kiss me and sleep with me its so exhausting. I would prefer your approach, just someone voicing their feelings and allowing me to set the pace. If I am bored it may be dangerous though, as boredom makes me play along with people I dont even like because idk… I have some toxic ways the lord needs to heal so just be careful of game play

that is sadomasochism

 

[TropicalStarfish]

I have been harboring secret feelings towards my friend (which I would never reveal - cos I know that trying to pursue anything more would be a monumentally bad idea!) and I'm curious...

Why would it be a monumentally bad idea?

 

[user 150037]

This happens to me all the time, I just say awh how sweet and never mention it again. I’ve guy friends I love deeply but not in a romantic way and they are always trying to touch me and kiss me and sleep with me its so exhausting. I would prefer your approach, just someone voicing their feelings and allowing me to set the pace. If I am bored it may be dangerous though, as boredom makes me play along with people I dont even like because idk… I have some toxic ways the lord needs to heal so just be careful of game play

Jesus! I think that borders on sexual harrassment!

It is a very respectful friendship. I would never dare to make any moves on her, cos she's been so lovely to me (which is why it breaks my heart that she goes through all this bad stuff) and I wouldn't want to violate any boundaries.

 

[user 150037]

Why would it be a monumentally bad idea?

Well I'm romantically inexperienced for a start. lol.

 

[TropicalStarfish]

Well I'm romantically inexperienced for a start. lol.

Begs the question even more!

 

[user 150037]

lol TropicalStarFish. I won't say no more.

I can't be there for as much as I want to - I don't have a car to lend her while she's waiting to get hers fixed. I can't help her with her debt cos, heck, I'm not earning so she'd never take my money. And unless I can go onto the dark web and hire someone to take out this guy who's been harassing her, there isn't much I can do about that. I feel like if I were her boyfriend, I'd have to be able to help her with the things I can't do anything about - otherwise i wouldn't be a very good one.

 

[TheSkaFish]

Tread lightly.

I think that you have to remember that in order to attract someone, you need to have more in common besides just being supportive of each other - besides just problems in life. That can feel like you're getting emotionally closer, but that never worked for me. Instead you need to have common interests - especially that things you do, since you're the guy, that you can impress and interest her with. It took me forever to realize it, but being impressive and interesting seems to be what it's all about - NOT just being nice and supportive.

It seems you have to show that you're on your way somewhere, building yourself up, so she can see a future with you. You have to get out of the "friend" trajectory and on to the "potential boyfriend" trajectory, which requires a lot more from you, both in terms of like-mindedness/similarity in personality and values with this woman, and also you coming from a place of strength in life, having yourself sorted out, having yourself together.

I'm currently struggling with this myself.

Then there's the whole being funny, and flirting thing, but I don't know anything about that so I can't really help with it.

Basically I feel like it's the same as with any other woman - you have to be impressive, interesting, fun, good conversationalist (interesting/funny seems to be it). There doesn't seem to be any way around, or any substitute for, playing the protector/provider male gender role - as well as being impressive, interesting, and entertaining/exciting/fun. This is why I'm so hung up on getting good at things and coming up with good ideas. Emotionally supporting each other over problems seems to just lead to friendship and doesn't seem to have much to do with the romantic trajectory, in my experience.

Then again I've never been in a relationship so take what I say with a grain of salt. These have just been my experiences and observations.

 

[user 150037]

Apologies if I've misunderstood the meaning of your post, but I'm not looking to make it any more than what it is. She's offered me friendship and that's all I want from her.

Funnily enough she herself has tried to push me towards the idea of pursuing romantic relationships by suggesting online dating, but as I said to her, I just don't think I have that required 'boyfriend' quality (which is a statement that will have thrown her off the idea of ever looking at me that way, anyway. lol).

But I appreciate your words.

 

[TheSkaFish]

Apologies if I've misunderstood the meaning of your post, but I'm not looking to make it any more than what it is. She's offered me friendship and that's all I want from her.

Funnily enough she herself has tried to push me towards the idea of pursuing romantic relationships by suggesting online dating, but as I said to her, I just don't think I have that required 'boyfriend' quality (which is a statement that will have thrown her off the idea of ever looking at me that way, anyway. lol).

But I appreciate your words.

Thanks, and that's fair enough. No matter what kind of connection you choose to pursue with her, I hope things turn out well for you regardless.

 

[4No1]

If I had no feelings, I would try to avoid the further contacts with that friend. It would be better for everyone.

Are you sure, that deep inside you really don't want anything more? If you do want, you will keep hoping for it and it will lead you nowhere. So I would tell as it is and if she doesn't feel anythng, cut off all the contacts. Maybe if she is now in a difficult situation, it's better give it some time, like a few months.
But if you really don't want anyrthing, why tell?
I was on your side. In fact I did told smth like that in some(really stupid) way, but after I'd stopped the contacts and ages had passed, now I regret I didn't do it earlier, because that hopeless hope was nothing good for me.

 

[4No1]

It is because of this type of setup I don't think friendship between two singles is possible ...

If they are not attractive to each other, why not? Being freinds with someone married can be more difficult...

 

[user 150037]

If I had no feelings, I would try to avoid the further contacts with that friend. It would be better for everyone.

Are you sure, that deep inside you really don't want anything more? If you do want, you will keep hoping for it and it will lead you nowhere. So I would tell as it is and if she doesn't feel anythng, cut off all the contacts. Maybe if she is now in a difficult situation, it's better give it some time, like a few months.
But if you really don't want anyrthing, why tell?
I was on your side. In fact I did told smth like that in some(really stupid) way, but after I'd stopped the contacts and ages had passed, now I regret I didn't do it earlier, because that hopeless hope was nothing good for me.

She's part of the support group, that's the trouble. I can't give that up as it's the only social outlet that I have. Plus she's kind and supportive of me - if I cut off contact she wouldn't have a clue why. It's worth noting that she has a history of losing friends and I wouldn't want to add to the list.

Not to negate you. I appreciate the suggestion. It probably would be best but the only way I could completely cut off contact is if I left the group, and then I'd be right back to where I was a year ago.