Anyone else tired of others downplaying their lack of a loving relationship?

[Triple Bogey]

See the previous post. Again what is the alternative? Say nothing? Pile on the pity? Agree with you and say you're hopeless?

Our problems are our own. Nobody can fix them except us. Being ungrateful for whatever support we get, no matter how little is selfish and does nothing except make us feel worse and puts off people trying to help us. I've been depressed too. I've felt the loneliness. I've had friends stop trying to help me after I sounded like a broken record again and again. Being lonely can lead to depression which can change how we think, act, talk, and live. Things completely unrelated begin being affected, like what we think about what people say.

I needed to get my head out of my ass. If you think people saying it'll be alright is a lie, then you need to get your head out of yours. People saying anything about the situation isn't going to fix the problem, nor make it worse. Whether it'll be alright is entirely up to you. Get to the basics of it. It'll be alright, or it's not that bad is simply trying to make you feel better. It's trying to give you hope. Which is exactly what you need, when you feel hopeless and are actively trying to do something. Saying this just makes it worse and blaming the person for trying to be nice is another excuse to add on to the self pity. Especially when I know they're trying to support me however they can.

The truth isn't pretty. If you're unable to have any relationship then there's a problem. Maybe you're socially awkward. Maybe you're extremely shy. Maybe you have low self esteem. Whatever the reason may be, it has nothing to do with other people and everything to do with ourselves. People want things to change, and then take no steps to change them. Do what you've always done, and you'll get what you've always got. You'll actually have less than you got, because time waits for no one and you'll be older and still just as alone. If you want to get out of a hole then throw away the shovel.

I know it's not easy. If it was easy, I would have done it already, and I would have never visited this forum. But at the same time, I know a lot of what I do is self defeating. Again I've felt just as you guys have, and I've pushed away people. That's why I'm so passionate about it. It's not fun to be around someone who's moping, a downer, and just killing the fun vibe. Nobody owes us anything. Not a hi, not a hello, not a it'll be alright. People have their own problems to deal with, so the fact they even listen to our problems and have something to say should be appreciated. Stop looking for excuses to feel worse, when people are going out of their way to even acknowledge what we say. Look to the real problem and start trying to take whatever steps you can to fix it.

But there are relationships in your past right, so how can you empathise?

If your'e socially awkward and unattractive it's not as simple as making effort ; you can easily be labeled a creep for showing interest in entirely normal non-threatening ways. (not that the OP looks unattractive by the way)

I've just been gossiped about for sending a friend request to a female co-worker whom I've worked around for 5 months - which I deleted. It's just par for the course I'm afraid.

you should have ignored the gossip and waited to see if the female co worker accepted your friends request. I presume it wasn't her gossiping. Re add it and see what happens. fresia what other people think !

---

other 'normal' people don't understand what we go thru !
The crap I have to listen to !
Last week I got asked 'have you thought about having kids ?' - who with for god's sake ?

I get told to 'join a dating site' or to 'get out there' - all honeysuckle because these people don't understand how unattractive I am to women and how difficult it is for me !

 

[ShybutHi]

I am 27 and 99% of my friends have been in relationships or are married. I never ever have interest from women. Not once in my whole life have friends talked to me about relationship related things either.
Maybe I am just destined to be alone my entire life and they see that.

It is silly to basically say that "relationships are not all that" to someone who has never been in one... I really think that is a load of rubbish anyway. The reason is because actually finding someone who you want to be with and who wants to be with you is potentially one of the best things that could happen in your entire life.

 

[ardour]

You wallow in self pity just like many do including myself. I suffer from extremely low self esteem. At the same time no matter how unattractive a person is I know you've seen people who are even more unattractive in happy relationships.

http://wackymania.com/15-most-ugly-couples-in-the-world/

We do the best with the hand we're dealt which for some is extremely unlucky. Are you far uglier than some of the people on that page? No you just suffer from lack of self esteem, and you're socially awkward. But what are you doing to help solve it? You are your own judge but I suspect it's not much. You've expressed a viewpoint that it's not as simple as showing effort, implying you don't even show effort. So what do you do? Do you just complain? Do you just hope things will get better on their own? You complain of your age and your lack of relationships. You'll never be younger than you are this second. Another year will pass, and you'll wish you were only 34 instead of 35.

I'm being harsh. Mostly because I'm doing what you're doing. I know I make excuses. What I just said is exactly what my friends have said I have done. Complain about problems. Yet do nothing to help solve them. You're ugly? Get in better physical shape. Change your appearance to stress whatever positives you do have. You're socially awkward? Force yourself to get past that. Is it easy? No. It's insanely hard. You'll be scared. You won't want to. There's a college guy in the miscellaneous section who has a journal about forcing himself to go out and talk to people to get over his social awkwardness.

Change isn't easy. What is easy is making excuses and doing nothing. Nobody can help you except yourself. The biggest problem isn't your social awkwardness or your appearance. It's the defeatist attitude you have.

I'm scheduled for a psych evaulation because i think I have to face facts that I'm at minimum chronically depressed. I've been in a funk for the last few years. But I know there's a light at the end of the tunnel, if I can ever get out of my funk.

What kind effort are you meaning - PUA techniques in bars and clubs? I hate the fakeness and wouldn't respect a woman who was impressed by it even if it could pulled off. Hitting on women at a pottery class? Random approaches?

I go through life being infatuated with one person, who of course doesn't return interest, then eventually another, and while that's going on I don't want anyone else.

And there are problems outside of awkwardness and an extreme ugly facial bone structure. I'm stupid. Most of the time I just can't think of anything intelligent to say or end up revealing my ignorance on whatever topic I try to discuss.

 

[Batman55]

What kind effort are you meaning - PUA techniques in bars and clubs? I hate the fakeness and wouldn't respect a woman who was impressed by it even if it could pulled off. Hitting on women at a pottery class? Random approaches?

I go through life being infatuated with one person, who of course doesn't return interest, then eventually another, and while that's going on I don't want anyone else.

And there are problems outside of awkwardness and an extreme ugly facial bone structure. I'm stupid. Most of the time I just can't think of anything intelligent to say or end up revealing my ignorance on whatever topic I try to discuss.

I think lostatsea is telling you to become what you don't respect, to essentially mimic the traits of the alphas and the extroverts among us.

I think for some of us, at a certain point, you need to accept that you're just unconventional or eccentric or different in some way. For such a person, yes *some* things can be improved, a positive attitude can be attained with steady commitment to it, but to transform yourself into something you're not... will not usually work.

For such a person, hope and faith comprises most of the tools he has to work with.

 

[lostatsea]

Ardour - Like I said, you need to be you're own judge. What are you doing to improve your situation? You are so negative about yourself that all you ever do is talk down on yourself. Some people just can't talk to each other. Otherwise being a talker is a skill that can be improved upon through experience. Like you said, you get infatuated again and again, and it leads nowhere. So what can you do to break that cycle? Or have you resigned yourself to just repeating that till you die, or by chance some miracle occurs.

Batman - No I'm not talking about being extroverted, and I'm not talking about becoming something you are not. Introverted people have relationships to. I'm saying you have to recognize that no matter how bad you have it, there are people who have it worse, but are able to maintain the right attitudes. Like I said, people complain about being ugly, but I know you've seen uglier people in happier relationships. People complain about being dumb, but there are people who are more dumb in happy relationships. You can pinpoint all the reasons for why things aren't going your way, but if you're not willing to do anything about them, or try something different, things really will never change.

Yes you can say, I'm unconventional or eccentric or different. But that doesn't mean you can't find your happiness. Instead a lot of people seem to say, I'm unconventional, eccentric, or different so I give up. They do the same thing everyday, living in misery. Which is their decision to make and their right to do. But in the end nobody can help a person more than themself. Hope and faith, is pretty much relying on luck and luck is the system of design.

 

[Batman55]

Well said. You came off a bit harsh earlier in this thread, though, I would say.

 

[lostatsea]

Well said. You came off a bit harsh earlier in this thread, though, I would say.

Yes I know I have. Mostly because I'm not so far ahead of you guys. I'm doing somewhat the same thing and it pisses me. I'm just starting to finally see that.

In some ways being adamant about it, is helping me believe it myself. But I really don't mean to offend.

 

[ardour]

If you've ever had a conversations with people who are anxious or annoyed by your presence in contrast to people who aren't, you'll know they are completely different experiences. What I've come to realise is that my particular combination of ugly bone structure, tone of voice and awkwardness is off-putting to a lot of women. They will never be 'emotionally open' enough for me to get know them or they me, so other qualities that could compensate and shine through never get the chance. There simply isn't enough conversation going on, or should I say the relaxed normal conversation that people who like one another have.

 

[EveWasFramed]

I'm stupid.

No. You. Aren't. :club:

 

[blackdot]

I used to get the excuses like "you are still young and it will happen one day. Now days I just get straight up mocking of the issues. Coworkers love to talk about relationships and find a way to slide a jab in at me for their own humor. When bad things happen people just tell me to go home and enjoy the company of people I am close to then they chuckle cause they know I have no one at my house.

 

[EveWasFramed]

I used to get the excuses like "you are still young and it will happen one day. Now days I just get straight up mocking of the issues. Coworkers love to talk about relationships and find a way to slide a jab in at me for their own humor. When bad things happen people just tell me to go home and enjoy the company of people I am close to then they chuckle cause they know I have no one at my house.

You should seriously consider opening yourself up to other people (read: people you would normally dismiss).

 

[Cavey]

I used to get the excuses like "you are still young and it will happen one day. Now days I just get straight up mocking of the issues. Coworkers love to talk about relationships and find a way to slide a jab in at me for their own humor. When bad things happen people just tell me to go home and enjoy the company of people I am close to then they chuckle cause they know I have no one at my house.

You should seriously consider opening yourself up to other people (read: people you would normally dismiss).

I should probably follow that advice too...

 

[brickinthewall]

Just dropping by because I can certainly relate to this topic.

It's always nice when people try to cheer you up or encourage you, it's the intention that counts, even if most of the times it just makes things worse.

What's really bad though is when people start mocking you about this, like my flatmate who constantly needs to remind me that I'm 23 and still single, never had a relationship. Not sure if he realizes that he isn't actually helping by putting me down every time he gets a chance.

I can relate to the OP, pretty much in his exact situation. I'm a med student so whenever I can I work 24h shifts at the hospital because I found that focusing on other peoples suffering is actually more productive than my own. I know that "suffering" may be a harsh word but I guess I'm just tired of being alone whenever I go out with my friends and family or whatever.

I can't say I'm unattractive , just doesn't seem to happen because every time I try to ask someone who I'm the least bit attracted to I get rejected. There are girls who would go out with me but they do not attract me in any way and I think that would be unfair towards everyone and I'm not willing to compromise (though I think that eventually I will because it's the only solution I see at the moment).

 

[Triple Bogey]

I joke about it especially at work. The few times I have met somebody, everybody has been delighted for me. Two years ago when I had a date I told everybody, they were all thrilled, giving me advice, what to wear etc. When I got treated like crap, they seemed genuinely disappointed for me. This lass said I 'had no luck' - I get told to join dating agencies - they don't understand these people.

Makes me laugh when a customer asks me how my wife is ?

 

[jayme89]

"Oh don't worry, you're still so young!" "Be glad you're single! Relationships are nothing but trouble!"

haha! i hear this ALL the time! I hate even worse when people start implying that i must be a lesbian since i've never had a boyfriend.

 

[blackdot]

I used to get the excuses like "you are still young and it will happen one day. Now days I just get straight up mocking of the issues. Coworkers love to talk about relationships and find a way to slide a jab in at me for their own humor. When bad things happen people just tell me to go home and enjoy the company of people I am close to then they chuckle cause they know I have no one at my house.

You should seriously consider opening yourself up to other people (read: people you would normally dismiss).

uhmmm... and who would those people be? Are you saying I should open up to my coworkers who already know I have problems with being alone?

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haha! i hear this ALL the time! I hate even worse when people start implying that i must be a lesbian since i've never had a boyfriend.

Do like I used to do. Years back, when I would tell people I had never dated, they would go into shock like they had just seen BigFoot and ask me if I was gay. I would tell them "gay people date" and they would pretty much start having seizures trying to grasp the concept of gay people dating. Once they settled down I would tell them I was not gay which meant they went back into shock of the idea of a nice looking straight guy having never dated.

 

[EveWasFramed]

I used to get the excuses like "you are still young and it will happen one day. Now days I just get straight up mocking of the issues. Coworkers love to talk about relationships and find a way to slide a jab in at me for their own humor. When bad things happen people just tell me to go home and enjoy the company of people I am close to then they chuckle cause they know I have no one at my house.

You should seriously consider opening yourself up to other people (read: people you would normally dismiss).

uhmmm... and who would those people be? Are you saying I should open up to my coworkers who already know I have problems with being alone?

*sigh*
No, that's not what I meant.

 

[blackdot]

hmmm... ok.. if not coworkers then who?

people asking for handouts at the off ramps of highways?
tv celebrities?
aliens in UFOs?

 

[EveWasFramed]

hmmm... ok.. if not coworkers then who?

people asking for handouts at the off ramps of highways?
tv celebrities?
aliens in UFOs?

Again, that's not what I mean. You tend to limit yourself due to your strict guidelines (as far as mates). Im just suggesting that you should be a little more open to others.

 

[Boring-Weirdo]

This is mainly directed at those who have yet to experience any kind of relationship, but if you can relate then that's just fine by me!

Anyway, whenever I express my sadness for having always been single, I can't stand when others try to mitigate how I'm feeling with justifications. I know that a lot of them are probably trying to cheer me up to prevent me from wallowing too much but after this long it's wearing on me.

"Oh don't worry, you're still so young!" "Be glad you're single! Relationships are nothing but trouble!"

I'm 28 years old now. By societal standards that's long overdue for even the slightest hint of a relationship. By nature's standards I'm already past my physical/sexual prime and that is time I can never reclaim. No, I may not be as old as you but I want you to imagine all the relationships you had in your youth. All the emotional highs of first kisses, first everythings. Now erase them all from existence. Imagine what it feels like to not know the feel of a kiss or to look into the eyes of someone who has as much love and care for you as you do for them.

I can't completely fault those for whom it is literally impossible to know how they'd feel had they led a similar life of solitude but I just wish...I don't know. What could I wish for that would actually come true?

I just need to experience things for myself. Don't expect me to take your word for it, that I'll feel content in avoiding the downsides while missing out on what may be the closest someone can ever get to another human being.

I'm sad and I'm yearning. Don't hand me the picture book of love and demand me satisfied while I'm desiring to go out and see it for myself.

I completely agree.

What I hate the most is those who say I'm unworthy of romantic affections because I have not "earned" one (implying they have).

I'm so sick of hearing the old line, "Pull yourself up by your own boot-straps." Just leave me alone with that stuff. -_-