Can't see nothing but suicide

[cumulus.james]

It's being receptive to engaging with a past that cannot be resolved that only creates an ongoing cycle of self destruction....continuously seeking solutions to questions that often have no answer, that create obsessive negative preoccupation and only serve to continuously undermine you....you should not engage with it. Put it to one side say to yourself I am not going to engage with these thoughts...they should fragment and die...use a visual ref to aid you...an iceberg breaking up or something that resonates with you, and over a relatively short period of time...those thoughts that have become habitual....those things we neglect will often die.

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Although children, pets, and elderly relatives should probably be excluded

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Maybe just the children and the pets...feel entirely free to kill off the elderly relatives if appropriate

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Trouble is there is nothing I want in life that it is possible for me to get anymore. If I could believe tehre was something good to look forward to I would take up mindfulness meditation and go back to the gum.

 

[Samuelson]

Have you thought about EMDR? It's a light therapy, which can help transfer negative thoughts to the opposite side of your brain, so that they are not hindering your everyday thoughts so much.

 

[sothatwasmylife]

Have you had any help ....psychology..medication,can help to pull you out of a black void....Problem is your negative thinking is only going to fuel your sense of ...nothing to work toward...nothing to be achieved and it simply isn't
true....you need a means of getting out of the hole...death, suicide is the easy option......it bloody isn't !!! and I have been there...death will find you...in the meantime the challenge is to find a way a live.

 

[cumulus.james]

I've got some stuff going on which means it is inevitable. I have some positivity and I try not to think about doing it but ultimately I know it is just a matter of time.

 

[Mr Seal The Albatros]

Actually, it is evitable. The option to enjoy life is always open, no matter what has, is, or will happen.
You've got positivity. That's already something that can help you get through this.
You can do this. Nobody said it would be easy to get back to enjoying life, but it's always possible for everyone.
I'll be cheering for you on this side James. Hang in there dear.

 

[cumulus.james]

The option to enjoy life is always open

Not for me it isn't.

 

[SophiaGrace]

The option to enjoy life is always open

Not for me it isn't.

Okay so…what exactly would you like to see us say to you?

 

[cumulus.james]

Nothing.

This forum is the only thing keeping me alive right now.

 

[SophiaGrace]

Nothing.

This forum is the only thing keeping me alive right now.

and how is it doing that? Is it providing a distraction?

 

[sothatwasmylife]

I'm glad that at least this forum is keeping you safe and many here will understand that when your in a deep hole of depression your lucky to see a chink of light let alone anything that resembles hope....and man you need some help to get out of that hole..for me it was Venlafaxine a pretty potent antidepressant...and when you've been at least partly pulled out of that hole...with help you may well find reasons to live rather than die.

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And your right....serious depression...does not give you the luxury of enjoying life....that option is removed...you have to seek some help.

 

[Red]

You said all you want is a hug. Well OK then. I'm in the UK, in Kent, and I'll meet you for a hug and a talk. I think it's the talk you really need. I'm straight, so no worries about judging how you look or wanting anything sexual for you. I'm just that part of the universe saying 'OK, sure' when you yell out to it what you need. PM me and we'll do coffee and look at the pigeons and talk about all the honeysuckle.

 

[cumulus.james]

Nothing.

This forum is the only thing keeping me alive right now.

and how is it doing that? Is it providing a distraction?

Yes, and a way for my thougts to escape my head for a little while.

---

I'm glad that at least this forum is keeping you safe and many here will understand that when your in a deep hole of depression your lucky to see a chink of light let alone anything that resembles hope....and man you need some help to get out of that hole..for me it was Venlafaxine a pretty potent antidepressant...and when you've been at least partly pulled out of that hole...with help you may well find reasons to live rather than die.

---

And your right....serious depression...does not give you the luxury of enjoying life....that option is removed...you have to seek some help.

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OH NO NOT VENLAFAXINE!

You've triggerd me!!!!!!! lol

That wicked evil s*** started a whole load of problems for me. I rapidly gained weight until I was 18 stone (and I am only 5ft 8) so lost all and any confidence or sense of attractiveness I had; became manic as hell and aggressive, lost all my friends and had daily rows and confrontations with my parents; started drinking more to dampen the mania; got delusional and got into debt; and got genital genital anaesthesia and abnormal ejaculation so I could not perform if I had the chance.

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You said all you want is a hug. Well OK then. I'm in the UK, in Kent, and I'll meet you for a hug and a talk. I think it's the talk you really need. I'm straight, so no worries about judging how you look or wanting anything sexual for you. I'm just that part of the universe saying 'OK, sure' when you yell out to it what you need. PM me and we'll do coffee and look at the pigeons and talk about all the honeysuckle.

Thanks, I don't know how to be around people anymore though. Havn't been to Kent for years though. Was arrested in Canturbury when I was 16 lol Don't think my Dad took kindly to having to drive all the way down there to fetch me.

 

[sothatwasmylife]

Re oh no Venlafaxine...Sorry you had a bad experience with it....most of these medications are not without possible complications....It's worked ok for me generally without causing any major problems...but I guess some experience more adverse affects than others....and for me at the present time keeps me afloat and did lift me out of a particularly deep dark hole...so I don't feel to negatively about it....you have to monitor these drugs and aim to keep them to a minimum and reduce so slowly or just wind up causing a further downward spiral...so it and it's assorted relatives sure ain't perfect but what is?

 

[cumulus.james]

Re oh no Venlafaxine...Sorry you had a bad experience with it....most of these medications are not without possible complications....It's worked ok for me generally without causing any major problems...but I guess some experience more adverse affects than others....and for me at the present time keeps me afloat and did lift me out of a particularly deep dark hole...so I don't feel to negatively about it....you have to monitor these drugs and aim to keep them to a minimum and reduce so slowly or just wind up causing a further downward spiral...so it and it's assorted relatives sure ain't perfect but what is?

Gave me "brain zaps" if I missed a dose. I hated that. I think I was on a very high dose.

I don't take none of that nasty s*** now, not even mood stabalizers. They are all evil in my op.

Got some Mritazipine here but I won't take it.

 

[cumulus.james]

Having some family is bad. Having a conscience is worse.

I do know that I want to die. And I know how. I have enough chemistry knowledge to cook up a dose of hydrogen cyanide salts.

But it is Christmas. I am not cruel enough to have my sister and niece associate that with my death. Then in January it is my nieces birthday, and I am definitely not cruel enough to create that association.

Every conscious moment is torture. I know very well there is nothing to live for. There is nothing in life left for me. I hate being.

But for the sake of others I must be.

There is no reality. Only illusion. And I have neither.

 

[Ioann]

Having some family is bad. Having a conscience is worse.

I do know that I want to die. And I know how. I have enough chemistry knowledge to cook up a dose of hydrogen cyanide salts.

But it is Christmas. I am not cruel enough to have my sister and niece associate that with my death. Then in January it is my nieces birthday, and I am definitely not cruel enough to create that association.

Every conscious moment is torture. I know very well there is nothing to live for. There is nothing in life left for me. I hate being.

But for the sake of others I must be.

There is no reality. Only illusion. And I have neither.

My dear friend, their is always something to live for. your family must love you. They must want to help you.

 

[cumulus.james]

Having some family is bad. Having a conscience is worse.

I do know that I want to die. And I know how. I have enough chemistry knowledge to cook up a dose of hydrogen cyanide salts.

But it is Christmas. I am not cruel enough to have my sister and niece associate that with my death. Then in January it is my nieces birthday, and I am definitely not cruel enough to create that association.

Every conscious moment is torture. I know very well there is nothing to live for. There is nothing in life left for me. I hate being.

But for the sake of others I must be.

There is no reality. Only illusion. And I have neither.

My dear friend, their is always something to live for. your family must love you. They must want to help you.

No nothing to live for I assure you, regardless of thier feelings. I have nothing for myself in this life. I hurt all day every day and I can take no more.

 

[SophiaGrace]

Having some family is bad. Having a conscience is worse.

I do know that I want to die. And I know how. I have enough chemistry knowledge to cook up a dose of hydrogen cyanide salts.

But it is Christmas. I am not cruel enough to have my sister and niece associate that with my death. Then in January it is my nieces birthday, and I am definitely not cruel enough to create that association.

Every conscious moment is torture. I know very well there is nothing to live for. There is nothing in life left for me. I hate being.

But for the sake of others I must be.

There is no reality. Only illusion. And I have neither.

(Hugs)

Making a consious decision to live is not an easy one.

Giving life another chance is not an easy one.

I'm sorry you are in pain, but I admire your strength to still be here on this earth.

 

[cumulus.james]

Having some family is bad. Having a conscience is worse.

I do know that I want to die. And I know how. I have enough chemistry knowledge to cook up a dose of hydrogen cyanide salts.

But it is Christmas. I am not cruel enough to have my sister and niece associate that with my death. Then in January it is my nieces birthday, and I am definitely not cruel enough to create that association.

Every conscious moment is torture. I know very well there is nothing to live for. There is nothing in life left for me. I hate being.

But for the sake of others I must be.

There is no reality. Only illusion. And I have neither.

(Hugs)

Making a consious decision to live is not an easy one.

Giving life another chance is not an easy one.

I'm sorry you are in pain, but I admire your strength to still be here on this earth.

I'm not here by choice. If I did not have them around I would be dead now.

I even asked my sister if she would mind if I committed suicide and she siad yes. Why can't she understadn that I want to go? Surely it would be kind to let me go with her belssing?

 

[jd7]

If you feel your life has no value, consider dedicating your life to the service of others rather than taking it. One is selfless. One is selfish. I'd have committed suicide in the past but realized that my life is not just my own but belongs to all I touch in this world. Maybe you need perspective and not a noose.