Common Demon

[cryingcloud]

In my 20 years on this planet, I have one continuous problem, a demon of some sort that won't leave me alone. By this I mean, it's as if something has been blocking me from building relationships...with anyone. Currently, I'm mainly associated with 3 people, My "best friend," my...friend with..."benefits" and my long distance friend.

My so-called best friend (of 6 years) and I are doing okay, but we recently went through a pretty rough period as far as us getting along. We lived together for a bit, but it ended in flames, resulting in me moving out. We don't really see each other that often, but we talk on the phone sometimes. She's pretty busy with her job and her other friends and her boyfriend. She goes out to parties and all that jazz.

My friend with "benefits," (< I really hate saying that.) wasn't planned to be that way. It just kind of...happened. I met him through a previous job I had and developed a small crush on him, it was really anything but serious. I was just going to nod it off, till we started to hang out outside of work. That's when things changed. We went from normal friends to...this. I never wanted this though, I looked at him (and still do) as a possible relationship, because I do have feelings for him, but he puts it as, (quote) "I'm just trying to meet people, I'm not trying to be in a relationship right now." He's just another guy added to the list of guys who have said this exact quote to me. I don't even understand what that means.

My long distance friend and I Skype every now and again, there's not a lot to that, because...the distance, but he's a big slacker when it comes to "give and take." What I mean is that, If he has a problem or something bugging him, he always comes to me, but If I have one, I practically have to give an arm and a leg to get him to sit down and listen. That's usually when the sorry excuses (that he's oh so good at) come in to play.

I have a job myself that keeps me busy when I'm not in school, but it doesn't make it any less lonely. What discourages me even more, is that I tried to become friends with a this girl I work with, and I thought it was going good. We hung out outside of work and it went fine. Then the demon shows up and it fails. I don't think she likes me very much, if at all. She's all buddy-buddy with another girl who we work with, and is always leaving me out. (She makes plans with her right in front of me...)

I just don't know why this happens to me. I have never had a guy that has genuinely cared about me, or wanted to be with me. Never. I've only ever been treated as a casual "hook-up" and it's not like I give off that aura either, I've always been told that I look "innocent," "young," and shy...even awkward sometimes. Every guy I've been with, from the start, knew they had no intentions with me.

The fact is, no matter what kind of relationship it is, I'll cherish it, because it's so hard for me to have one, friends or more. I don't know, I go to school, and I work and can't find a single person to befriend. ANYONEEE. I just want someone...

 

[Wanderer145]

You may not be happy with what you have but it's something. Some don't even have 1 friend to confide in. Have you spoken to her since?I've been on this planet 25 years and I've had 1 best friend 1 good friend who've stuck by even in the worst of this loneliness. People don't have someone just for a physical relationship to help fulfil that need. To be honest though if that kind of arrangement is hurting you its not going to be worth your time. Have you thought about looking into your interests and looking for someone who goes to a club or group you could meet?

You know what though? I got so tired of looking and waiting for someone else to care for me that now as I'm lonely I'm not tied down I'm living on my own...I sort of realise I can go anywhere and do what I want. Not to sound completely self centered but the only person that matters is you so don't forget to put them first.

Do you have goals you want to work towards? When I think of them I get some renewed inspiration to keep going for myself to make things better.

 

[cryingcloud]

Please people, opinions are goooooood... :/ please reply....

 

[Case]

Then the demon shows up and it fails. I don't think she likes me very much, if at all. She's all buddy-buddy with another girl who we work with, and is always leaving me out. (She makes plans with her right in front of me...)

I don't know what you mean by a demon. Is the "demon" a metaphor for some behavior you display? If so, how do you behave in these moments?

 

[ABrokenMan]

I think he is implying some negative apparition or force that is controlling the outcomes of his personal relationships no matter how he himself approaches or reacts.
I get it.

 

[cryingcloud]

I think he is implying some negative apparition or force that is controlling the outcomes of his personal relationships no matter how he himself approaches or reacts.
I get it.

I'm a she But you are right!

---

Then the demon shows up and it fails. I don't think she likes me very much, if at all. She's all buddy-buddy with another girl who we work with, and is always leaving me out. (She makes plans with her right in front of me...)

I don't know what you mean by a demon. Is the "demon" a metaphor for some behavior you display? If so, how do you behave in these moments?

See the comment below yours. The "demon" is the force that seems to keep people from caring about me, as if something was cutting between me and someone else, pushing them away, it's not a behavioral issue. It's bad luck.

 

[Fest]

From what your original post included it sounds to me like you have an idea of what you want from the people in your life and they simply aren't living up to it be it their 'fault' or your "demon's". Honestly, there is no easy answer but reflecting on what you want/need from your relationships over time can help you figure out which ones are healthy and which are toxic or damaging. You may end up finding out that the demon which you speak of is born of an incongruity between your standards and reality. People will never be perfect, they'll never quite live up to those lofty hopes we have for them and quite often they'll end up hurting you unintentionally. The trick I've found to dealing with them is to become as self-reliant and 'complete' as you possibly can so that these relationships build you up and, even if they end, don't destroy you.

Basically, pinpoint your own standards and stick to them as best you can. Moving your life towards a healthy goal can yield a whole lot of good. Don't settle for the easiest option if it doesn't fit you even if it means being alone for a bit longer.

Hope that helps a bit.

 

[Case]

See the comment below yours. The "demon" is the force that seems to keep people from caring about me, as if something was cutting between me and someone else, pushing them away, it's not a behavioral issue. It's bad luck.

If it's bad luck, then it's randomness, and it'll go away.

 

[Regumika]

From what your original post included it sounds to me like you have an idea of what you want from the people in your life and they simply aren't living up to it be it their 'fault' or your "demon's". Honestly, there is no easy answer but reflecting on what you want/need from your relationships over time can help you figure out which ones are healthy and which are toxic or damaging. You may end up finding out that the demon which you speak of is born of an incongruity between your standards and reality. People will never be perfect, they'll never quite live up to those lofty hopes we have for them and quite often they'll end up hurting you unintentionally. The trick I've found to dealing with them is to become as self-reliant and 'complete' as you possibly can so that these relationships build you up and, even if they end, don't destroy you.

Basically, pinpoint your own standards and stick to them as best you can. Moving your life towards a healthy goal can yield a whole lot of good. Don't settle for the easiest option if it doesn't fit you even if it means being alone for a bit longer.

Hope that helps a bit.

I agree with this. What stuck out to me is your friend with "benefits." In my opinion either stop the benefits or tie the knot. From the way you describe your relationship with this friend, you feel ashamed to engage in such activity with someone that isn't your partner. So, since that's the case, either stop or make him your partner. Though, from his response "I just want to meet people" he basically get the benefits of a relationship without having to deal with the hardships of a relationship. Don't give it to him, stay true to your standards. You know what you want.

What I see happening in your life though... is pretty typical stuff, actually. Just because two people are best friends doesn't mean they can live together. Just because many people make "friends" from work or school doesn't mean that everyone can (or should). It comes down to not just you, but what the other person want/need. Take me for example, I'm socially awkward in real life. It's been almost 5 years since moving out of home and I still don't have any local friends (except for one just recently who lives 100 miles away, is that even local?... and we met online). I know not everyone wants to find people online. However, when the local pool is just not the best... it's your only other option. Plus, it is much easier now than it was 10 years ago to meet people online. I mean, think about how your life would be if you were 20 ten years ago. There is still a lot of hope!

 

[ABrokenMan]

Regumika's take on Friends with Benefits is incorrect.
It is simply about including physical contact (sexual) with a friend.
There is usually an agreement that no emotional involvement will be exercised, or in most cases, tolerated.
It is only about physical pleasure, and nothing more.
I do not see it on the same level as a romantic relationship, but I am OK with the concept.