For the last 5 years since I graduated high school, I've talked on and off with a guy friend I was in class with. He would try to pursue a relationship with me but I had no interest being that I was away in college and we also never talked much in HS. Now that I've moved back home he has been pursuing me much more and is convinced we should be together. He really is a nice guy and has most the intellectual and character traits I want in a guy. He's talked about me to his friends and family and goes really out of his way to get my attention. Plus he's been pursing me for 5 years basically which i know is really special. My main issue is I am not physically or sexually attracted to him...at all. Mainly cuz he's really really overweight. Yes, he could loose weight but hasn't for the last 5 years so I don't see that changing anytime soon. I don't want to be seen as picky because I don't consider myself a looker at all. But does that mean that I should just take what I get? I've just recently started putting myself out there more and I kinda feel like i don't want to settle. What are your thoughts of dating someone your not attracted to but is your ideal match in other areas? Do you think attraction will eventually grow?
dating someone ur not attracted to
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EveWasFramed
Well-known member
jayme89 said:
After five years? Doubtful. You have to be at least somewhat attracted to a potential mate. If not, it won't last anyway. Good luck.
Sigma
Well-known member
It depends on your priorities, how long do you see yourself together with this guy?
If you want some eyecandy to have some fun with for a while and then part ways, looks will probably be your first priority. Doesn't sound like that's the case though.
In the long run looks will fade, what you're gonna be left with is what you describe as your ideal match in his case, while if you picked a guy for his pretty face while he's otherwise not a good match you will be left with someone you might not even get along with.
So when you ask "Should I take what I get" you should ask yourself how important the outside is to you, since you did say he's an ideal match otherwise.
For me personally it sounds like a no brainer since I'm really not all that concerned about aesthetics, but you need to be asking yourself whats important, not others.
If you want some eyecandy to have some fun with for a while and then part ways, looks will probably be your first priority. Doesn't sound like that's the case though.
In the long run looks will fade, what you're gonna be left with is what you describe as your ideal match in his case, while if you picked a guy for his pretty face while he's otherwise not a good match you will be left with someone you might not even get along with.
So when you ask "Should I take what I get" you should ask yourself how important the outside is to you, since you did say he's an ideal match otherwise.
For me personally it sounds like a no brainer since I'm really not all that concerned about aesthetics, but you need to be asking yourself whats important, not others.
M
Mr.YellowCat
Guest
Hey. What I think...
I think that you should act how you feel. If you feel he is not the one, you should tell him straight. Being honest may be hurtful, but it is way better than being with him without feelings for him, or keeping him in this state of pursue.
I think that when it comes to this kind of social relationships, you should go where your heart is taking you. I know this may sound stupid and naive.
But why act like attraction of any kind is not important for a relationship? If you were with him just because it sounds right, then it would not be love, right? And you should seek love for the life relationship, right?
For me, being with a girl that is sweet and nice, and all of it, that doesnt attract me..That would be friend, not a partner, as a partner needs to help me fulfit my needs as of person, human. These needs, for most, contain also sexual relationship and satisfaction. Because how could I have sex with someone who is not sexually attractive to me? And should we act like physical relationship, meaning sex, is not important in a relationship? Its not all of it, maybe not even the basis of it, but for many, maybe most, people, it is one of its major components.
To make a summary of it. I think you should act based on your feelings, and logic also. But if feeling are absent, it would sound like getting a new roommate, rather than a partner.
I hope he will be alright though. He sounds like a nice person, quite pursuative, but maybe that is how he is. I hope you both end up happy, however it all may end up.
I hope my point of view will help you make things right. But I´m not the smartest guy, so I´d advice you that you better not take relationship advice from me. But you may consider it, discuss it with someone more competent, if you wish and choose to do so.
I´m sorry if what I wrote was stupid. I know many of those things are quite naive, or maybe even just plain dumb. If you find this like that, please, just ignore it, and accept my apology for taking your time.
I think that you should act how you feel. If you feel he is not the one, you should tell him straight. Being honest may be hurtful, but it is way better than being with him without feelings for him, or keeping him in this state of pursue.
I think that when it comes to this kind of social relationships, you should go where your heart is taking you. I know this may sound stupid and naive.
But why act like attraction of any kind is not important for a relationship? If you were with him just because it sounds right, then it would not be love, right? And you should seek love for the life relationship, right?
For me, being with a girl that is sweet and nice, and all of it, that doesnt attract me..That would be friend, not a partner, as a partner needs to help me fulfit my needs as of person, human. These needs, for most, contain also sexual relationship and satisfaction. Because how could I have sex with someone who is not sexually attractive to me? And should we act like physical relationship, meaning sex, is not important in a relationship? Its not all of it, maybe not even the basis of it, but for many, maybe most, people, it is one of its major components.
To make a summary of it. I think you should act based on your feelings, and logic also. But if feeling are absent, it would sound like getting a new roommate, rather than a partner.
I hope he will be alright though. He sounds like a nice person, quite pursuative, but maybe that is how he is. I hope you both end up happy, however it all may end up.
I hope my point of view will help you make things right. But I´m not the smartest guy, so I´d advice you that you better not take relationship advice from me. But you may consider it, discuss it with someone more competent, if you wish and choose to do so.
I´m sorry if what I wrote was stupid. I know many of those things are quite naive, or maybe even just plain dumb. If you find this like that, please, just ignore it, and accept my apology for taking your time.
Ha this sounds A LOT like a situation I was in. I didn't go for it. We clicked on a friend level but I was never attracted to her. She tried to make it happen but I just never felt that way about her. She was actually a friend and when I didn't reciprocate on being more I lost the friendship for the most part. Sad.
My logic was that if she liked me this much, even attempting something when I knew I didn't feel the same would be dishonest. I'd be leading her on even more. It would be unfair to her. So I didn't.
If you're not even slightly attracted to someone after several years of knowing them then you probably won't be unless their appearance changes. I liked her personality and we had fun together. But zero on the physical attraction level.
The brain really does have a friend zone, and I put her in it and couldn't get her out.
My logic was that if she liked me this much, even attempting something when I knew I didn't feel the same would be dishonest. I'd be leading her on even more. It would be unfair to her. So I didn't.
If you're not even slightly attracted to someone after several years of knowing them then you probably won't be unless their appearance changes. I liked her personality and we had fun together. But zero on the physical attraction level.
The brain really does have a friend zone, and I put her in it and couldn't get her out.
No. If you're not attracted to him then why waste both of your time?
If his weight is really the issue and he knows this but hasn't done anything for the past 5 years, then I very much doubt anything like that's gonna change anytime soon; like you said. But say if he even looses this weight, what if you still feel the same? I think that would upset him more than you.
If his weight is really the issue and he knows this but hasn't done anything for the past 5 years, then I very much doubt anything like that's gonna change anytime soon; like you said. But say if he even looses this weight, what if you still feel the same? I think that would upset him more than you.
this is exactly what i fear will happen with him. I have told him that we should just be friends and i'm not interested in a relationship. He said "okay" like he understood but still flirts with me and wants to take me out on dates. I feel he is so hellbent on wining me over, that if he can't have a romantic relationship with me then he won't want a friendship with me.
thank you! such an intelligent response and helpful. I do want to act on my feelings but i guess his persistence all these years has had me second guessing myself and feeling like i might make a mistake by not being with him one day.
F
ForGrantedWife
Guest
I'm going to go out on a limb here and say talk to him about it. Level with him. You've got nothing to lose and he's got everything to gain should he decide to work on it. I would tell him (gently and carefully) that he's a wonderful person and you like spending time with him. In every other way you think it would be a good match. Except that physically he's overweight (he's going to know this anyway) and it's making you uncomfortable. You would love to see where this could go, but one one condition. The TWO of you need to address this, not only for the possible relationship but also for his health and well being. Join a gym with him, introduce him to healthier food. Take walks with him, get him moving. If you care enough to help him, chances are he'll care more and try. Literally work it out together. If he reacts badly, the problem will be over because you issued an ultimatum and he's not willing to try. He will be hurt, initially, so it's up to you to suggest how to work it out and that you'd love to work with him to get him healthy. Stress healthy. Explain you'd like to be with a partner for the rest of your life, and the thought of loving someone who may have massive health problems later (because being obese can literally kill you) is a scary and daunting thought. Make sure to stress it's more about health than you being grossed out by it.
EveWasFramed
Well-known member
ForGrantedWife said:
Just to toss in my two cents on this...
What happens if he loses the weight and she still isn't at all attracted to him? He would be crushed and she would feel obligated.
Explain you'd like to be with a partner for the rest of your life, and the thought of loving someone who may have massive health problems later ...
I have to think that there is a very high probability that the guy would take that as, "if you lose weight, I will commit to being with you."
Especially if he's been trying to get with her for FIVE years.
You could be right of course, but think of the disaster that would ensue if she still didn't see him as someone she wanted to be with - whatever the reasons were. Just a thought...
F
ForGrantedWife
Guest
Hmmm, good point. But I took it as she wasn't attracted to him simply because he was overweight-that was the turn off. Maybe not, that would be for her to decide. And should this happen, at least they both tried and he'll be more healthy and the likelihood of attracting another woman would be much higher.
ForGrantedWife said:
You're both right! He could lose the weight and i could still not be attracted to him. Issuing an ultimatum like that would make me feel obligated almost like i'm "promising myself to him". I'm not looking for a husband. I just know that i have no physical or sexual attraction to him so dating him isn't something i'm interested in. But because he's so persistent and clearly sees something in little ole mediocre me, i feel like maybe i'm just being irrational? Maybe i'm missing something? Who am i to tell someone "you have to loose weight to be with me". Then ok, he looses the weight, and maybe it just doesn't work out? I just want to take things as they come. If i meet someone and we become serious thats one thing but he is totally convinced that there is no one else for him but me (which scares me too). I've pushed him away many many times and he keeps coming back. I can't deny that he is a great guy and friend when he's in my life. Part of me is like "give it a chance attraction will come" other part of me is like "let the guy down and tell him to go find someone who will find him 100% appealing and won't have to try".
S
Seeker
Guest
Since you were not attracted to him for the last 5 years, I don't think that this is gonna change now. All I can advise you is not to give it a try for the sake of "seeing if it works", because then if you leave him he will get hurt, and from what I understand, even if you aren't attracted to him, you do respect him as a person, so consider it well before doing something that can hurt him.
aspalas
Well-known member
I wouldn't do this, it's a waste of time to date anyone you're not actually attracted to. I've had some girls who liked me but I didn't like them back, and even though I know it's awful to have a broken heart, I just do what is best for me in these cases, because in the end it's best for both of you. Just tell him you don't like him.
I had a relationship with someone in high school who I was t attracted to. When I look back, and maybe at the time I knew...I was seeing him because he made ME feel attractive.
I feel bad and guilty admitting the reality of that. It wasn't a conscious thing I did.
Just a random though for you
I feel bad and guilty admitting the reality of that. It wasn't a conscious thing I did.
Just a random though for you
ForGrantedWife said:
Although I can see that this could be good and practical advice, at the same time something in me recoils from it, even if the health aspects are stressed rather than the aesthetic aspects. It's like saying to someone that they aren't good enough the way they are and must change in order for the other person will be in a relationship with them. Maybe it would be easier to look for someone who is already more compatible with you? Even if the guy loses weight, there could be other traits he has which would be offputting and which would then come to the fore once the weight issue disappears.
you're absolutely right! I've spoke with him since this post. I told him that we're just going to be friends and thats it. I don't see me ever having romantic feelings for him in that was. He has kinda stepped back from the friendship all together which i feared, but i couldn't let that stop me from being honest. thanks for the advice everyone
I personally wouldn't if there's no attraction.
The best you could do is go on a couple dates and see if anything sparks suddenly. If not, then let it go, but you must be 100% clear and honest where you two stand. Do this favour to him because if he keeps on thinking he has a chance it's going to kill him that he's so close but yet so far. Yeah, in fact, give him the chance of the date, then you can give the reason that you gave him a chance and it really confirms that you don't have feeling for him.
The best you could do is go on a couple dates and see if anything sparks suddenly. If not, then let it go, but you must be 100% clear and honest where you two stand. Do this favour to him because if he keeps on thinking he has a chance it's going to kill him that he's so close but yet so far. Yeah, in fact, give him the chance of the date, then you can give the reason that you gave him a chance and it really confirms that you don't have feeling for him.
