Dealbreaker

[mountainvista]

Well, thing came to a head this morning. He was pissy that I said that we ought not blame my kids sight unseen (for the record, my kids are teen/tween-agers and are very adept with electronics and know how to treat them with respect as if they were their own toys). He got angry with me, stomped off to bed and SLAMMED the door.

That blew a fuse in my brain. I went into the bedroom and started the conversation "This is not working for me." I tried to frame it in such a way as to present a reasonable argument by pointing out how certain behaviors of his were unacceptable to have around my kids, rather than letting loose with my angrier thoughts, such as it appears to me that he's a lazy, ambitionless sack of honeysuckle who would rather sit around in his underwear playing XBox all day, eating all the food in the house rather than suck it up and attack his adult responsibilities, such as going to his goddamn J-O-B every day like the rest of us grown ups. He called in sick on Tuesday because he had a "headache," when in reality he was tired because he played XBox all night. This morning he called in sick with a "headache" because he was "distraught" that I told him I was done. AND because he'd been playing XBox until 5:45 am.

But bringing up my deepest, angriest thoughts is only going to be like throwing jet fuel onto a fire.

I just want it done as peaceably as possibly- although I know I'm kidding myself - I'd like as little acrimony as possible, because honestly, I fear an ugly conflict. I do not want my kids to be mired in ugliness like that.



Also, as far as him being a father figure, no. He is a male adult role model, yes, but their father is very active in their lives, and an excellent father. They are not wanting in that respect. Nevertheless, the example the BF is setting is unacceptable in my eyes.

 

[murmi97]

I hope the worst is now behind you.

 

[ladyforsaken]

I'm sorry, mv. But I'm glad you gave it to him. Him moving out could be quite a gruelling process but I hope you hang in there, and soon things will be better for you. Sending you warm hugs and best wishes and hope you'll get through this okay. *hugs*

Edit: At least I hope this means he is moving out. Some people.. just don't get it when you tell them you're done...

 

[mountainvista]

Finally done, though it took another 4 months to get him physically out of the house. He has been moving out his stuff in stages this week. Since I last posted, I've discovered that the scope of his drinking - and lying about it and hiding it - is far larger than I could have guessed.

Last night, I found a box of 6 empty bourbon bottles which he had tried to sneak out the trash cans. I was floored, and overall, oh so grateful that I managed to get him out of the house before any damage was done. Mark my words though, if he doesn't drink himself into hepatic encephalopathy, he will commit another DWI. I hope to God that he doesn't kill any innocents.

The ****** still owes me $2,600 though.

 

[SophiaGrace]

You know, with all this, I'm shocked he isn't homeless already.

 

[mountainvista]

You know, with all this, I'm shocked he isn't homeless already.

I am too, and frankly, given they way he acted while under my roof and where he spent his money, if he keeps up those spending patterns, it won't be long before he IS homeless. That might be a good thing as well, because for lots of alcoholics and addicts in general, they have to hit rock bottom before they realize that they need and want to change.

Some never hit that stage though. We have a patient at work who is on the precipice of dying from his advanced alcoholism. His electrolytes are dangerously out of whack, and he already has documented seizure activity. He is in really rough shape.

I've told the ex all about the physical dangers, and he nods and says "Thanks, but I don't have a drinking problem." He's so wedged in denial.

 

[TheRealCallie]

You know, with all this, I'm shocked he isn't homeless already.

I am too, and frankly, given they way he acted while under my roof and where he spent his money, if he keeps up those spending patterns, it won't be long before he IS homeless. That might be a good thing as well, because for lots of alcoholics and addicts in general, they have to hit rock bottom before they realize that they need and want to change.

Some never hit that stage though. We have a patient at work who is on the precipice of dying from his advanced alcoholism. His electrolytes are dangerously out of whack, and he already has documented seizure activity. He is in really rough shape.

I've told the ex all about the physical dangers, and he nods and says "Thanks, but I don't have a drinking problem." He's so wedged in denial.

It will take a while before he is forced to be homeless. From what I've seen of alcoholics, they usually have a long list of people who don't see that they have a problem, which will not only enable them to think they don't have a problem, but also to have a place to stay when they screw up. My ex bounced around from friends and family to girls he decided to date.

Sadly, for some, death is their rock bottom.

 

[ABrokenMan]

Sounds exactly like someone who suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder.
These people cannot be helped, unless they want to be, with years of intense therapy.

 

[EveWasFramed]

Finally done, though it took another 4 months to get him physically out of the house. He has been moving out his stuff in stages this week. Since I last posted, I've discovered that the scope of his drinking - and lying about it and hiding it - is far larger than I could have guessed.

Last night, I found a box of 6 empty bourbon bottles which he had tried to sneak out the trash cans. I was floored, and overall, oh so grateful that I managed to get him out of the house before any damage was done. Mark my words though, if he doesn't drink himself into hepatic encephalopathy, he will commit another DWI. I hope to God that he doesn't kill any innocents.

The ****** still owes me $2,600 though.

I'm glad you were finally able to get him out, but it really sucks that he owes you money you will likely never see. That's a fair amount of money for anyone, but especially for a single working mom. *hug*

 

[SophiaGrace]

My mom has alcoholic tendencies. She doesn't believe she does but she does. It really breaks my heart too because the last thing I want is to see her die of alcohol complications. For years she would drink with a boyfriend of hers (enabler and encourager) and drinking with him would cause her to fight with me because he would start talking honeysuckle about me when he was drunk. Like, if I so much as left a pair of shoes downstairs, he would start bitching about how mom should throw me out (this was when i was on leave of absence from college due to a mental breakdown). I needed support and encouragement, not to be torn down and bitched about.

anyways, I FINALLY got mom to get rid of him the past year. Which was fantastic, because he was always trying to get mom to choose him over me ever since i was a child, and because he was just a …not nice person.

So then mom started drinking heavier…gin and tonic, especially when I wasn't around. Which made me feel guilty because I thought maybe she felt lonely when I wouldn't spend time with her and it would cause her to drink more. During this period, I noticed that she would have blackouts, she would say stuff to me that she wouldn't remember in the morning.

Throughout all of this I kept telling her to please stop drinking and I was endlessly trying to get her to see she had a problem. She has a tendency of becoming defensive whenever I bring it up to her.

So, finally…some improvement a few months ago when my brother left some beer in the fridge. She started drinking beer instead. However, when I was home for break last week, Half of the recycling was cans of beer, the other half my feeding tube food containers. She also seemed a little too anxious to be the person to take it out to the garage as well.

I tried talking to her about this, she got defensive and…I feel as if she downplayed how many beers she drank.

Also, I probably should have dug through the garbage in the garage.

I'm not sure if I should take it to the point of pouring all her alcohol down the drain or not. I've considered doing it for years. She would probably get pretty mad at me for it but I'm not sure if I should put my foot down or not.

FYI everyone, she's a functioning alcoholic. No DWIs, and is normally functioning during the day. There's a lot of things that have happened in her life, possible dissapointments, and large amounts of stress that she doesn't verbalize ever…which ahve caused her to try and cope in this way.

Dealing with the issue of alcoholism is tough MountainVista, and it's hard to know what to do to help or how to deal with it. :/ I'm just trying to say that maybe I understand part of where you are coming from.

 

[TheRealCallie]

My mom has alcoholic tendencies. She doesn't believe she does but she does. It really breaks my heart too because the last thing I want is to see her die of alcohol complications. For years she would drink with a boyfriend of hers (enabler and encourager) and drinking with him would cause her to fight with me because he would start talking honeysuckle about me when he was drunk. Like, if I so much as left a pair of shoes downstairs, he would start bitching about how mom should throw me out (this was when i was on leave of absence from college due to a mental breakdown). I needed support and encouragement, not to be torn down and bitched about.

Most alcoholics don't believe they have a problem. It's just their thought process and how their minds work. They drink to escape their problems. If they admit they have a problem, they can't continue to live in their delusion.

So then mom started drinking heavier…gin and tonic, especially when I wasn't around. Which made me feel guilty because I thought maybe she felt lonely when I wouldn't spend time with her and it would cause her to drink more. During this period, I noticed that she would have blackouts, she would say stuff to me that she wouldn't remember in the morning.

None of it is YOUR fault. It's no one's fault really, except the alcoholic, which is a controversy in itself, as they don't realize what they are doing.

Throughout all of this I kept telling her to please stop drinking and I was endlessly trying to get her to see she had a problem. She has a tendency of becoming defensive whenever I bring it up to her.

So, finally…some improvement a few months ago when my brother left some beer in the fridge. She started drinking beer instead. However, when I was home for break last week, Half of the recycling was cans of beer, the other half my feeding tube food containers. She also seemed a little too anxious to be the person to take it out to the garage as well.

I tried talking to her about this, she got defensive and…I feel as if she downplayed how many beers she drank.

Telling them will do nothing except make them angry. Yelling and complaining and pleading and all that is another form of enabling. You aren't encouraging it, but yet to them, it's like you are trying to control them, which doesn't accomplish anything. Very few alcoholics will respond kindly to an intervention, no matter how slight it is.

Also, I probably should have dug through the garbage in the garage.

I'm not sure if I should take it to the point of pouring all her alcohol down the drain or not. I've considered doing it for years. She would probably get pretty mad at me for it but I'm not sure if I should put my foot down or not.

Digging through the trash won't help anything. The only thing it will do is make you more anxious and make you feel like it is more your fault because you didn't do anything. It doesn't matter how much they drink or even if they drink at all. An alcoholic will go to great lengths to do what they want and there's nothing you can do about that.
Don't pour the alcohol out. It will just make her beyond angry and she WILL blame you and there will be a huge confrontation and I don't know if you want to go down that road. It can get very ugly, because again, you will be trying to control her.

FYI everyone, she's a functioning alcoholic. No DWIs, and is normally functioning during the day. There's a lot of things that have happened in her life, possible dissapointments, and large amounts of stress that she doesn't verbalize ever…which ahve caused her to try and cope in this way.

Just because she hasn't had a DWI yet, doesn't mean she won't eventually. She's been lucky so far. It took years before my ex got his first DUI and now he's on his 2nd in a 7 month time span. He got his second a month after he got his license back from the first one. (That's not including the drug charges he's had).
Disappointments and stress doesn't excuse her actions or her drinking. She has a problem and until SHE realizes that, there's nothing you can do to help her. Be supportive of her, but don't try to tell her to stop or dump the alcohol or be confrontational about it. That will just make it worse.

 

[AJ1982]

Sounds like he needs a kick up the backside and reminding what he's got before he loses it! Can I ask what gas lighting is? I've never heard that before.

 

[Case]

Sounds like he needs a kick up the backside and reminding what he's got before he loses it! Can I ask what gas lighting is? I've never heard that before.

From the Wiki: "Gaslighting (or gas-lighting) is a form of mental abuse in which false information is presented with the intent of making victims doubt their own memory, perception, and sanity."

In the case of the OP, the gaslighting would be the BF lying that he never said "I don't drink" to make the OP doubt her memory and get off the hook for being a drinker.

 

[EveWasFramed]

Sounds like he needs a kick up the backside and reminding what he's got before he loses it! Can I ask what gas lighting is? I've never heard that before.

http://www.alonelylife.com/showthread.php?tid=27747&highlight=Gaslighting

 

[ABrokenMan]

My ex girlfriend is a super-high functioning alcoholic. Has, or had a very good job.
She told me she doesn't like being around people when she is not drinking.
translation = I don't like or feel comfortable with myself unless I am drinking.
This is a component of her borderline personality disorder, When she is really drunk, which i have witnessed a few times, she gets very impulsive and aggressive, doing things shed never do while sober. I helped her throw a party for a co-worker. Around 25 people attended. She and I had been drinking prior to the start of the subdued, low-key party. By the time midnight hit, my GF was pretty wasted. If a guy she didn't know showed up, she'd introduce herself, and sit right on his lap with a huge smile. I was the one trying to keep things running as a host. A few people stayed really late, my GF was nearly passed out by then.
Next day she awoke fine 'n' dandy.
But I've witnessed other behavior in her aggressive mode.
She says she is OK with being that way since it isn't regular. She nearly got herself seriously injured or worse when we were last together due to drinking, and it practically traumatized me.