Emptiness

[JudeDismas]

I cannot sleep tonight, my mind is a mess of worries and sadness. That means constant anxiety, hours without sleep working on research papers, then several more nights of drinking and fearing the worst. Then of course on top of that I have my job as a library clerk with hours of bland monotony punctuated by moments of intense stress such as dealing with an angry customer, desperately trying to wrangle a group of children in my math tutoring program, or speeding through piles of returned books and cds. And through this all I have realized that I have nothing to look forward to, nothing that makes all this work and anxiety worthwhile.

I have tried, I've gone to hundreds of meetup only to find most of them composed of much older people who don't have anything in common with me, and don't have much to say to me. I've tried setting up dating profiles and messaging girls, but all I ever get are first dates the inevitably go nowhere. I've even tried to enjoy life as a loner, I've gone on trips by myself with what little money I have, seeing the sites and eating at cute little restaurants. I made attempt to learn guitar and creative writing. I even went to my first indie rock concert a few days ago. But nothing fills this emptiness that's inside me.

I feel, like, at the core of my life there is emptiness where there should be love, companionship, purpose. Without these things the simple burdens of life become a pointless drudgery with no end except my inevitable, lonely death.

I realize this is my fault , I should have worked harder as a teen, should have gotten over my shyness and made friends in high school and college. Now it's too late and I must carry on through the emptiness of my life, alone.

 

[reynard_muldrake]

There's a lot of this I can relate to. I often question whether there will be anything worth the dreariness and routine. Meeting people hasn't been fruitful either. You mentioned learning the guitar and an appreciation of indie music. Have you looked for meetups based on those two interests? You might find someone in your age range there. You also shouldn't declare a moratorium on finding friends. Some have found their social groups far later in life. Sure, the search might be difficult after college, but that doesn't mean it's an impossibility.

 

[constant stranger]

You've tried and worked harder than I ever have at fixing loneliness. I was a celibate hermit for 30 years. I'm a bit better off now, but not by very much......

Two thoughts: any possibility you were working and trying a little too hard at overcoming worries, sadness, anxiety and shyness? Also: The "too late" thing....I'm not buying that. Nobody can change the past but what comes next depends on what we do now. It'd be a bad deal to look back at 2016 and wish we'd done things differently.

 

[Nice But Dim Jim]

I understand everything you wrote. Unfortunately right now is the emptiest I've ever felt.

 

[Tiina63]

I can also relate to much of what you have said.
Re meetups-although it may seem that you have nothing in common with those people who are much older than you, feelings of emptiness, pointlessness and loneliness are common to all age groups and probably some of those older people at meetup groups would have more in common with you than you may at first think.
I hope you find friendship and love.