First Dates

[Case]

I'm meeting a woman tomorrow for a first "coffee date." As you may know, coffee dates are meant to be casual meetings to determine initial chemistry, conversational compatibility, and whether a 2nd meeting is mutually desirable.

The thing is, I'm suddenly struck by a bundle of nerves. I was fine about it this morning, but it's almost 24 hours until the date, and *WHAM.* My stomach suddenly tied up in knots, maybe because I'm thinking about it so much.

What I need right now is some advice about coffee date successes. I've read a lot about what to do and what not to do, and I have my own successes and failures to draw from, but I'm interested in your personal experiences on first dates.

1. What worked?
2. What didn't work?
3. What topics of conversation did you discuss?
4. What topics did you avoid?
5. How did you get over any nervousness?

As I said, the coffee date is tomorrow. Any and all serious comments would be appreciated. Thanks.

 

[WildernessWildChild]

I'm just gonna say good luck Case, hope your first date is interesting instead of overwhelming.

 

[LadyDaria]

What worked?
What didn't work?
What topics of conversation did you discuss?
What topics did you avoid?
How did you get over any nervousness?

Nothing worked... probably a reason I am here.

What didn't work... talking about your job if you have a boring one. Talking about your ethnicity if the other person isn't the same. No I don't care about your greek traditions.

topics.. job, family friends, movies, events of the day.

topics to avoid, anything controversial, previous dates, exes.

Get over nervousness: assume the date is going to fail and pretend like you are doing it for practice in socializing.

 

[SofiasMami]

I've been on a ton of coffee dates
I call it Date Zero because I never really thought of it as a first date unless you decide you want to meet up again.
It's completely normal to be apprehensive and the person you're meeting is probably just as nervous.
Keep it short and sweet, you're under no obligation to make an entire evening of it. If you hit it off, you can always meet again.
Keep that cell phone off and don't peek at it during your meetup!
It helps if you can find a quiet corner to sit in, trying to have a conversation in a loud crowd is difficult.
Stay on light topics like sports (not the LA Clippers), work, leisure activites, travel, food. I like the old-fashioned advice of not discussing politics or religion in mixed company.

Good luck!

-Teresa

 

[Case]

Thanks, WWildChild!

Get over nervousness: assume the date is going to fail and pretend like you are doing it for practice in socializing.

I like this. It's a variation of my own philosophy, "Act indifferent to the outcome." As long as I don't inflate the importance of the meeting, I should be okay. Usually, once I'm meeting someone, I feel fine. It's the anticipation that twists me up. I think I should distract myself, stay busy, and stop thinking about it until it happens.

I've been on a ton of coffee dates
I call it Date Zero because I never really thought of it as a first date unless you decide you want to meet up again.

Yeah. I tend to agree. It's not really a first date, but it's a first meeting. To be honest, I never liked dates in the first place. My longest relationships started as friends, not through a series of pre-planned meetings where we're on our best behavior. But I like seeing this as practice.

Stay on light topics like sports (not the LA Clippers), work, leisure activites, travel, food. I like the old-fashioned advice of not discussing politics or religion in mixed company.

Thanks, Teresa. They're good tips. And yes. Clippers talk would not be an ideal topic.

 

[TheSkaFish]

I've been on coffee dates (well they were dates to me, at least) before. I find it's best to stick to common interests and maybe dreams. Listen to their responses and see if you can't build on it in some way. Again, like others have said it's best to avoid the usual suspects - the economy, social problems, war, politics and religion, since they are usually topics where people either have strong opinions on, or they are topics that people find to be overly serious or negative. Those topics, for the most part, are no fun. You should probably also avoid talking about money and work unless you love what you do.

Also, I don't know if you have this problem or not, but I tend to complain sometimes and have been a habitual complainer for so long now that sometimes I don't realize when I am doing it. You should avoid any sort of complaining, or talking about life in any way that casts you as a victim. Like it or not, being happy, confident, and strong is the correct answer. Now, if only I could find some things to be happy confident or strong about...

As for nerves - why be nervous? You do WANT to be on this date, after all.

Anyway good luck and have fun!

 

[Case]

Also, I don't know if you have this problem or not, but I tend to complain sometimes and have been a habitual complainer for so long now that sometimes I don't realize when I am doing it. You should avoid any sort of complaining, or talking about life in any way that casts you as a victim. Like it or not, being happy, confident, and strong is the correct answer. Now, if only I could find some things to be happy confident or strong about...

I'm not a complainer, but I do tend to use my past relationships as a fallback position for conversation. I'm aware that it's a no-no to talk about exes on first dates, but I always find myself referring to my past as a way to inform dates about my character. I think I need to find other ways to show my character, but it's difficult to hold back parts of myself. It's like consciously censoring my natural tendency for conversation.

As for nerves - why be nervous? You do WANT to be on this date, after all.

It's not a question of "why" be nervous, but "when" the nervousness will hit. Of course, I want to meet her, but the desire to meet her and the nervousness I feel are separate emotions. The nervousness hits me because my over-active brain analyzes every possible scenario. (It's just what I do.) This leads to less confidence, nervousness and "anticipation anxiety." If I had no time to think about this, I'd be golden. The best way to avoid this nervousness, I think, is to occupy my brain so I don't over-think it.

 

[Case]

Well, the coffee date is postponed until maybe Monday. She texted me that she's sick today. The only positive I can take from this is that she immediately asked to reschedule, so that's nice. But I have 3+ more days to overthink this and drive myself crazy. lol

 

[LadyDaria]

Well, the coffee date is postponed until maybe Monday. She texted me that she's sick today. The only positive I can take from this is that she immediately asked to reschedule, so that's nice. But I have 3+ more days to overthink this and drive myself crazy. lol

Maybe she chickened out because she is driving herself crazy worrying about you.

 

[sk66rc]

Well, the coffee date is postponed until maybe Monday. She texted me that she's sick today. The only positive I can take from this is that she immediately asked to reschedule, so that's nice. But I have 3+ more days to overthink this and drive myself crazy. lol

Or, you can think of it as "Hey, I have 3 more days to plan this!!!"

 

[Case]

Maybe she chickened out because she is driving herself crazy worrying about you.

You mean she made herself sick from worry? lol - Somehow, I doubt that. But I appreciate the thought.

Or, you can think of it as "Hey, I have 3 more days to plan this!!!"

The planning was covered since I was already set for tonight. We rescheduled for the same time and place, only now on Monday. So, now I wait.

 

[Veruca]

Keep visualizing it all working out well...the both of you having a good date...maybe that will help with the nerves?

Keep us updated Case! *excited for you*

 

[sk66rc]

Hope it goes well for ya... I guess I can't really say anything more than what everyone else said already... Relax & be yourself & no matter what happens, I'm sure it'll all work out for the better... Not sure where you're going but if you happened to go to Starbucks, it's Frappuccino happy hours... I think it's from 3 - 5 or 3 - 6... 1/2 price on all their Frappuccinos... It started yesterday & ends on 10th... I'm on their email list & I just got an email from them, lol...

 

[ladyforsaken]

Hope you'll have a good time!

 

[Veruca]

Hope it goes well for ya... I guess I can't really say anything more than what everyone else said already... Relax & be yourself & no matter what happens, I'm sure it'll all work out for the better... Not sure where you're going but if you happened to go to Starbucks, it's Frappuccino happy hours... I think it's from 3 - 5 or 3 - 6... 1/2 price on all their Frappuccinos... It started yesterday & ends on 10th... I'm on their email list & I just got an email from them, lol...

FRAPPUCINO HAPPYHOURS??!! I need to move the USA asap...

 

[ShybutHi]

Well coming from someone who used to be really quite socially anxious and used to perform music in front of lots of people, I know what being nervous is like.

Now I am going to say the most useless piece of advice ever...

Try not to worry.

lol but seriously it is not like you are performing in front of a thousand people with eyes all on you. If you go into it in a friendly manner (like you should and would anyway right?) Just like meeting at a local pub for a drink with a friend, then maybe it will help calm the nerves. The main difference will be asking questions about the person as you want to get to know her.

Another bit of useless advice incoming...

Go with the flow.

If you are going on a date with this person, then you view her as someone who you could certainly like as a person, maybe a lot, and vice versa considering she accepted. If you think about it, being really nervous, if you aren't normally with friends, means you are almost pretending... You are not being your normal comfortable self.

It is all about trying to change your mind set. The more comfortable you are, the more comfortable someone else will be.

Now of course it is very very easy to say all of this rather than do so, but I hope you see where I am coming from. If the person does not like who you are as a person when you are comfortable, then it is not meant to be.




The best thing anyone can do in this situation is to be who they are normally. Think about how you act when you are on your own, how comfortable you feel in your own skin and think to yourself...

"Why shouldn't I just be like that, be myself, wherever I am, and if someone does not like me because of it then that is not my problem. I put on no facade and was true to myself and to the other person."



Nerves are only there because you want to make an impression, or at least not make a bad one. If you act like you are normally in a more comfortable situation (which it should be really if you are just going for a drink) then what happens, happens, providing you or her takes a bit of initiative.

Go with the flow my friend and try not to worry. Be true to yourself and to her and then what happens either way, will happen. If it goes well then ask her to meet up again some time, take the initiative. Good luck.

 

[sk66rc]

Hope it goes well for ya... I guess I can't really say anything more than what everyone else said already... Relax & be yourself & no matter what happens, I'm sure it'll all work out for the better... Not sure where you're going but if you happened to go to Starbucks, it's Frappuccino happy hours... I think it's from 3 - 5 or 3 - 6... 1/2 price on all their Frappuccinos... It started yesterday & ends on 10th... I'm on their email list & I just got an email from them, lol...

FRAPPUCINO HAPPYHOURS??!! I need to move the USA asap...

Lol... I guess you're a fellow coffee nut? I love the taste of coffee & though I'm really not that into sweets, sometimes I get a craving for it... Frappuccino is what I get whenever I get a craving for something sweet...

 

[Veruca]

Hope it goes well for ya... I guess I can't really say anything more than what everyone else said already... Relax & be yourself & no matter what happens, I'm sure it'll all work out for the better... Not sure where you're going but if you happened to go to Starbucks, it's Frappuccino happy hours... I think it's from 3 - 5 or 3 - 6... 1/2 price on all their Frappuccinos... It started yesterday & ends on 10th... I'm on their email list & I just got an email from them, lol...

FRAPPUCINO HAPPYHOURS??!! I need to move the USA asap...

Lol... I guess you're a fellow coffee nut? I love the taste of coffee & though I'm really not that into sweets, sometimes I get a craving for it... Frappuccino is what I get whenever I get a craving for something sweet...

Coffee is certainly the best!

 

[sk66rc]

Hope it goes well for ya... I guess I can't really say anything more than what everyone else said already... Relax & be yourself & no matter what happens, I'm sure it'll all work out for the better... Not sure where you're going but if you happened to go to Starbucks, it's Frappuccino happy hours... I think it's from 3 - 5 or 3 - 6... 1/2 price on all their Frappuccinos... It started yesterday & ends on 10th... I'm on their email list & I just got an email from them, lol...

FRAPPUCINO HAPPYHOURS??!! I need to move the USA asap...

Lol... I guess you're a fellow coffee nut? I love the taste of coffee & though I'm really not that into sweets, sometimes I get a craving for it... Frappuccino is what I get whenever I get a craving for something sweet...

Coffee is certainly the best!

I swear if coffee was crack, I'd been dead long time ago...

 

[Case]

Keep visualizing it all working out well...the both of you having a good date...maybe that will help with the nerves?

Veruca, I think I'll be fine with the nerves. This thread has actually helped a lot in that respect. I like the visualization idea, too. Good one.

Not sure where you're going but if you happened to go to Starbucks...<snip>

Thanks for the Starbucks news. Unfortunately, we're meeting at Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf for a change of pace. The Starbucks closest to us is often riddled with teenagers, and I wanted a different approach. I figured she might appreciate that I chose something other than the "coffee place on every bloody corner." lol (Nothing against Starbucks, though. I go there all the time.)

Go with the flow my friend and try not to worry. Be true to yourself and to her and then what happens either way, will happen. If it goes well then ask her to meet up again some time, take the initiative. Good luck.

Thanks, Shy. The more I'm processing this, the more confident I am that I'll be relaxed. I do want to make a good impression, and I know that I can't impress everyone, so there's no point in banging my head against a wall about it. I'm feeling really good at the moment, which is a plus.