Ghost.

[ShybutHi]

What do you do if you are single and looking but all your friends are more outgoing, have better qualities and just simply always get the attention in social situations (romantically or not) instead of you?

I am 25, never had a gf, hugged, had sex, kissed or even touched a girl and am a very very quiet, reserved type of guy who would love nothing more than to find a romantic companion. I actually get around alot because I am the guitarist in a band who gig atleast 2 times a week, we travel around the country a bit for gigs in the UK (although we will nearly always drive back to our home town after each gig so it is not like we are on the road al the time). I am a creative person who loves music and art and such... admire beauty in nature and have many interests. I have been told I am very mysterious (been told I am a Dark horse many times) and even had people say I am the nicest guy they ever met.

Sound like good qualities to some maybe... But I have two crushing qualities. That being that I am not physically attractive to females in the slightest and that I basically have social anxiety disorder.

My friends and band members are like the complete opposite to me when it comes to being social... They are very outgoing and confident people. Playing in a band has helped tremendously with confidence issues and I think I carry myself alot better now but I am still terrible at socialising and I think I may very well be like that to a certain degree for the rest of my life.

I am literally always in the background because no one ever want's to socialize with me and I am terrible at socializing with them. If someone comments about me in some way, it wont be commented to me, it will be commented to a friend. I simply do not know what to do! It Seems like I have some kind of aura which repels people from wanting to initiate conversation with me but I honestly think I greet people well and with a smile when I manage it. I AM a friendly person, got brought up with good morals and I would never hurt anyone but it seems people are wary of me or something.

It seems totally impossible for me to ever find someone. I do not, as such, agree with dating because I find it to be fake and what I mean by that is just asking some random girl who I dont know to go out somewhere. That just seems very strange to me and almost desperate. I guess I sort of believe that things should happen naturally or not at all... Maybe I believe that because I am a bit of a romantic.

I partially did this post to get this off my back and I guess to just try and sort of reflect and think about my situation because it bothers me a hell of alot.

Any, and I mean any, possibly advice would be much welcomed.

 

[Ak5]

Your in a band. That right there is an excellent advantage you have. Sure, you may be more of an introvert; so are a lot of people. You're trying to change, don't give up!

 

[dannyr22]

I'm afraid I haven't got much advice but I've been there with the more popular guys getting somewhere while I feel like a 'ghost'
I hope things work out for you!

 

[Lonesome Crow]

You can naturally ask a stranger out.

Im also a guitarist , artist and a romantic. A little bit mystical.

I dont really like the dating games. It's a like a chior to me more than
anything. It can be fun. Then it gets rather dull and borning to me.
I have add or someshit....Idk.

Anyways...you answer your own questions.
Whatever mental blocks you have with dating.
It's preventing you from being in the game.
If you want a GF. You must put yourself out there. Get exposure.
It's realitively that simple.

LIke WTF....dude
What do you think happens on dating sites???
Youre randomly hitting up on people you dont know...complete strangers.

You have face to face interactions with people.
Just force yourself to hang out more instead of driving home to
your comfortzone all the time.

Im not the loudest dude in the room or whatever situation.
I just hangout..eventually a chick will make her self avaliable to me.
They saperate themselve from thier friends or group.
Chit chat...then whatever gose from there.
Thats usually how it works for me.
The women i like are mysterious too. she dosnt wanna get gang bang...
She just wants me.

Its not going to happen all the time...It's a numbers or percentage game.
The more you expose yourself...your chances will simply increase...that's all there is to it.

Its the same even if you proactively ask women out. Not all women are going to say yes
to you....Its still ganna be a number's game no matter what stratagy your use.

 

[ShybutHi]

You have face to face interactions with people.
Just force yourself to hang out more instead of driving home to
your comfortzone all the time.

Hang out more? I guess you mean hanging out on your own? I hang out with my friends all the time. I dont drive so if they want to stay somewhere and hang out after a gig at the pub or whatever then I pretty much have to anyway. I dont feel comfortable hanging out on my own at a pub at all because it always results in me sitting there drinking staring into nothingness because I am not a good social person and no one ever approaches me either.

Im not the loudest dude in the room or whatever situation.
I just hangout..eventually a chick will make her self avaliable to me.
They saperate themselve from thier friends or group.
Chit chat...then whatever gose from there.
Thats usually how it works for me.
The women i like are mysterious too. she dosnt wanna get gang bang...
She just wants me.

You hang out and a chick will make her self available to you?

Well if that is the case I think we are the complete opposite when it comes to this subject. No girl would ever seperate themselves to talk to me and I am not good at chit chat. A girl just wanting you? That would not happen to me in a million years.

 

[SophiaGrace]

You must break the ice. No one can do it for you, others especially won't do it for you.

 

[dannyr22]

Im not the loudest dude in the room or whatever situation.
I just hangout..eventually a chick will make her self avaliable to me.
They saperate themselve from thier friends or group.
Chit chat...then whatever gose from there.
Thats usually how it works for me.
The women i like are mysterious too. she dosnt wanna get gang bang...
She just wants me.

You hang out and a chick will make her self available to you?

Well if that is the case I think we are the complete opposite when it comes to this subject. No girl would ever seperate themselves to talk to me and I am not good at chit chat. A girl just wanting you? That would not happen to me in a million years.

If that does happen, where? No females in my part of the UK do that! They all stay in groups here

 

[ShybutHi]

You must break the ice. No one can do it for you, others especially won't do it for you.

I am certainly not just expecting everyone to come to me dont get me wrong and ofcourse no one can do it for me. It is the fact that literally NO ONE will ever talk to me on their own accord and I have trouble with being the one to do this.
I think I have no chance as doing that is probably the hardest thing for me to do. My whole life I have been terrible at small talk with people I dont know and I have no idea how I managed to even get friends to be honest. Social anxiety is a bugger... Being fearful and anxious of basically any social situation does not help in the slightest.

---

If that does happen, where? No females in my part of the UK do that! They all stay in groups here

Yep this is true. I do not know any females who would talk to a guy on their own who they do not know when out and about. People are generally quite paranoid in this country I think. It seems like you have to be an outgoing person and not care about what your peers think for any kind of more intimate conversation to take place. In other words you have to be with a group for someone to want to talk to you as if it is a sign that you are not a scary wierdo. If you are on your own then you must be strange according to society...

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Like I said, it's like a chore sometimes.
I dont get smash just becuase I hang out. I can sit there
all night with only a beer or a soda.
It gets rather boring at times. I have my cell phone
so I can surf the net or what not.

Yes...hang out more.
Sitting by yourself is less inteminating for women to approach you than
if you were to be haning with a group of dudes...
Plus i dont have to worry about other guys butting into our conversations.
It works into my favor more than you relize.
Sometimes I'll just go outside to take a breath of fersh air or have a cigg.
Some women will actaully go outside and chit chat with me.

Im creating these opportunity more than you relize.
It's just different tatics. More subtle.

Sometimes the woman already know Ive notice her.
She also knows I think she's attractive.

Plus if youre a little more observent...Sometimes you'll notice a
woman sitting by herself. Sometimes i approch them just the same.
It's less intiminating for me to aprroch a woman if she was by herself
just as will.

Sometimes women will actaully buy me a drink or ask me to drink a
shot with them...just to break the ice. Other times she's go to the
bar counter to order a drink..then she'll make a comment to me...visa versa.
It just depends on the woman or whatever the flow is at that moment.

It happens to me everywhere I go...wheather Im in a bar, casino, recovery meetings.ect

I can sit in a big casino with plenty of empty available slots.
A woman will come sit next to me. Then chit chat.

I can also be in a recovery meeting with many many empty seats available
or go outside the meeting and hang out while a meeting is in process
or after. Plenty of women will come and talk to me or sit next to me.

I can sit on a bus with plenty of empty seats. Women will
sit next to me for whatever reasons. Then we'll simply just
talk about whatever.

Ive been asked out by plenty of women from when I was younger
to even now.

Ive had plenty of women take me home with them.
Anywhere from just a one night stand, to a fling, or to wanting to
have a serious relationship with me..

I dont believe I fit the profile of a honk. I do carry myself pretty good.
I dont carry my guitar around..so most women dont know I play the
guitar...however they arnt surprize when they find out Im a musician
after we get to know each other.

Im also asian and 45 yrs old. All women that asked me out are hot/beautiful and
cucasian. Women half my age will still approach me.
What Im saying is...whatever the heck hang ups or debate people
can say about looks or age. I know, I attract women.
It happens to me....So I dont really know why its not happening to you.
Other then you're blocking yourself or preventing it happening to you in some way.

May be try hanging out at a local starbuck or coffee shop. The refills are only $.25 usd
Im just sitting there with my laptop, book and cell ALONE.
Eventaully people will sit next to me. Sometimes a stranger woman will sit next to me.
We chit chat..just the same. I'll either break the ice or she will.

You say it wont ever happen to you...
WHY?????
Why do you believe that?
wELL...one of the basics of good self esteem and having confident
is not worring so **** much what people thinks or say about ya...
I dont really give a fresia oneway or the other. lol

Yes, beautiful woman approching me...Especailly if she's cucasian and young.
At some level she has very high self esteem and confidence.
Whatever the heck about inter racial couples hang up or women shouldnt approch men
that thier family, traditions, culture or society might had thrown at them...they certainly didnt
buy into a lot of that garbage. These women are more independent than the so call norm or main stream.
I attract certain people into my life.

It depends on what you see....Jenni and Juliet (women Ive met and came after me)
Have leadership qualities. They are both vey well educated and hold high possitions in
thier vocations or bussiness. They are leaders and dont always run with the pack.

Even one of the women that asked me to have a drink with her recently.
She's a general manager of a esblishment.

 

[SophiaGrace]

Have you considered working out? like, picking up weight lifting to change your appearance? Maybe people would be more receptive to you fi you did that?

 

[Lonesome Crow]

You must also understand...the women that hits on me are
realitively pretty, attractive or the cream of the crop.
They can have any man they want in a room.
They been hitted on by countless men and heard all kinds
of lines.

At some level these women knows...i have very good self esteem
and confidence. My tactis are that I dont make a freaken scene
or cuase dramma in thier lives. They now what they want.
They're not seeking society's approvals or from anyone else.

I took a couple of those selfesteem test or survey.
Im self esteem level is at 92 or 94.
I also took those IQ tests...my IQ is at 124 or 126.

 

[suckaG]

Hi Shybuthi,

have girls ever complimented you on your musical talent or even just addressed your band as a whole after you have played a set? maybe just for practice you could try striking up a conversation in those cases, even if you are just speaking minimally.

and as for girls not thinking you are attractive, that is far less of a fact than it may seem, brother. girls find guys attractive for a multitude of zany reasons other than simply good looks or dashing wit (both of which are also wholly subjective). I am living proof of this truism.

sometimes I get super anxious when I have to phone someone, like for a job interview for example. I write out what I am going to say and practice it. maybe you could practice lines for live convo. it doesn't have to be stupid or cheesy pua crap, just things that you think would be good to say in case you freeze up in the conversation. As a Toastmasters veteran once told me, "Practice, practice, practice, prevents poor performance." And it's as true for social interactions as it is for public speaking.

 

[ShybutHi]

Hi Shybuthi,

have girls ever complimented you on your musical talent or even just addressed your band as a whole after you have played a set? maybe just for practice you could try striking up a conversation in those cases, even if you are just speaking minimally.

and as for girls not thinking you are attractive, that is far less of a fact than it may seem, brother. girls find guys attractive for a multitude of zany reasons other than simply good looks or dashing wit (both of which are also wholly subjective). I am living proof of this truism.

sometimes I get super anxious when I have to phone someone, like for a job interview for example. I write out what I am going to say and practice it. maybe you could practice lines for live convo. it doesn't have to be stupid or cheesy pua crap, just things that you think would be good to say in case you freeze up in the conversation. As a Toastmasters veteran once told me, "Practice, practice, practice, prevents poor performance." And it's as true for social interactions as it is for public speaking.

I have had complements about my playing yes and alot of people seem to enjoy the band I am in as a whole but like I said someone complementing me directly is rare because people do not approach me. Most of the time if I get a complement it is said to another band member and they tell me. We do seem to get alot of people dancing and having a really good time (the band is a blend of covers from all era's and different styles all blended into one unique style with comedic lyrics... It is all about the laughs and having fun).

I have been thinking of a multitude of things to say just for chit chat and such but I find it very hard to do in practice still. More practice is definatly in order.
I also find it wierd to do when my friends are there because I have known them for a long time and it is not like me to talk to strangers... I have always been the one in the background and so even though I should not care what they think I feel that they would comment on it and embarrass me.

 

[Ak5]

Have you considered working out? like, picking up weight lifting to change your appearance? Maybe people would be more receptive to you fi you did that?

Sad, but true.

 

[ShybutHi]

Have you considered working out? like, picking up weight lifting to change your appearance? Maybe people would be more receptive to you fi you did that?

Sad, but true.

Actually I have and I have weights already. Problem is my sleeping and eating patterns are not the best... Need to get into a good routine. I am naturally thin and have a small appetite which does not help.

 

[Ak5]

Have you considered working out? like, picking up weight lifting to change your appearance? Maybe people would be more receptive to you fi you did that?

Sad, but true.

Actually I have and I have weights already. Problem is my sleeping and eating patterns are not the best... Need to get into a good routine. I am naturally thin and have a small appetite which does not help.

Protein drinks? Try that, usually works.