Giving up on love... finally up.

[netflixonfridaynight]

I went home during my lunch break today, I wanted to stop by the office to get my parking sticker updated before they closed. I get off at 5PM and by the time I beat traffic and pick up my dog its 6:30 PM, instead I went home and got a little high... I honestly didn�t feel like socializing with my manager. I knew she would be there she always is, she�s one of my friend�s mom and has a very motherly attitude towards me and sometimes she wants to know everything about my life and my maintenance request turns into a therapy session. It�s very nurturing and I kinda like it but I just don�t feel comfortable her knowing so much about me being that she�s my friend�s mom.

Anyways on my way back to work I started to reflect on my life, and my childhood. I wanted to make sense of things that are currently going on in my life and my emotions. Started to contemplate about when I become a mother how I�m going to be a great parent and how I want to work on my issues now so that I can be a great role model and exceptional parent. Not only that but I�ve been curious about children who grow up absent of paternal love and from what I�ve read how it can take a mental to physical toll that can last a lifetime. Started to reflect back on my childhood and my parents and I started to remember things that I had never put much thought into. I realized that my childhood consisted of a lot of alone time, I would shut my room door while I heard my mom and dad fight. They always worked two jobs and I was left with an older sister to watch over me. After the arguing my mom tend to leave the house for days and continuously left my dad for as long as I remember. I can�t really blame her my dad was always really cold and mean to her. But she always return, I guess because of me and my brother.

At 17 I fell in love with my high school sweetheart who I dated for 5 years. I ended up trying to commit suicide once that went down the drain. I realized it was the stupidest thing I could have possible done and I�ve learned to never ever allow myself to feel that low again or give another person that kind of power over my life. I�m surprised I never received any post counseling after that happened. I think it would of helped a lot�

Regardless I was able to move forward with my life. I moved out my parent�s home in my late 19�s and shared an apartment with the next guy I dated. We spent 6 years together and almost a year ago we broke up. It was me who broke it up, I realized how controlling and abusive he had become and I didn�t like the person he was maturing to be, he�s behavior and the way he would treat me reminded me of my dad. I always promised myself that I would not be caught in a toxic relationship like the one my parents had so I made it my mission to leave this guy and not look back. However, we had a dog together. When we broke up he took our dog with him 8 hours away. I fell into depression and I constantly would bother him to return him. He didn�t really love our dog he never dedicated time to him, I think he took it to mortify me. He finally returned him and I moved forward with my life.

Now I�m dating again, and I realized how messed up I am emotionally and probably even mentally, so much that I�ve started to browse the web for affordable counseling even medication that will help my anxiety attacks and depression. I mean I guess I�m yet to be evaluated by a professional but from what I�ve read online about the typed of depression and anxiety I experience�. I have some serious issues going on, I�m concerned because I finally found a guy I am very interested in and hoping things would work out but because of my trust issues and neediness and past experiences I don�t think he�s happy anymore. He reassures me that I don�t have anything to worry about that he plans on marring me and that he cares about me and wants to be here for me�.

Currently my dad is ICU for progressive cancer. Doctors tried to remove the tumors but when dissecting him they found a tumor attached to his artery vein and had to stop the surgery. Diagnosed him with a year of life left. I guess this is the toughest thing I have had to go through, seeing my dad knocked out from morphine and a wound stretching from his lower lip to chest.

I have intense feelings for this guy I�m seeing, but I feel like I�m not enough or don�t have much to offer right now besides my baggage and anxiety, clinginess and trust issues. He�s told me before that I frustrate him because of my reaction after arguments well disagreements because I don�t have the energy to fight so I just isolate myself until I forget why I�m upset or don�t care about it enough to talk about it anymore. During that phase I tend to become laconic towards him start ignoring his text or calls or ignore him at work�

He had a normal up bring, I believe he deserves a normal relationship with a normal woman. Should I tell him how I feel and expect him to understand or should I just wait for him to break up with me, because sooner than later I think it�s going to happen�

Why would he stay with someone like me�what is your advice?

 

[Estrus]

Right there with you...

 

[netflixonfridaynight]

[No message]

 

[BadGuy]

Have you shared all of this with him ?
It helps for others to understand when your not sharing in the heat of an argument. ... maybe it's something you could talk about
Think about how to control the discussions that they don't turn into arguments

 

[ladyforsaken]

Firstly, I'm sorry to read about your dad. I hope you stay strong throughout. *hugs*

Secondly, to answer your question why he stays with someone like you, well, maybe cos he really loves you and could look past your issues to try and work things out. Maybe he believes that you can fight your anxiety and even if you can't, to some people, that doesn't change the person they fell in love with. It could be that he's trying to be understanding of your situation, what with your personal issues as well as with what's going on with your dad.

I think awareness is always the first step to any improvement at all. You've got to that stage and want to get better. I say you keep trying to do so and work on things so that things can be better between you and this guy, and it wouldn't leave you feeling badly.

 

[netflixonfridaynight]

Thanks for the advice guys, @badguy & @Ladyforsaken, I guess I never really opened up completely only in chunks. I guess I'm a little embarrassed and not proud of my past....

I am seeking help and I do want to get better.

 

[BadGuy]

Our past is our past ...if we learn better from it all the better ...we are usually learning it as we go

there is no check list to figuring things out but wanting better is a great start

 

[ladyforsaken]

Thanks for the advice guys, @badguy & @Ladyforsaken, I guess I never really opened up completely only in chunks. I guess I'm a little embarrassed and not proud of my past....

I am seeking help and I do want to get better.

That's all right, most of us have embarrassing past we wanna hide and that's okay too. As long as you learn from your mistakes and avoid doing them again.

It's a good thing that you're aware and want to get better, I do wish you the best of luck in seeking the help you need. Let us know how you're progressing, yeah.

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

Sounds like you're in a tough position with relationships, not that it's any fault of your own that you have these trust issues and so on.

Especially with the situation with your Dad, that sounds really stressful.

If there's anything I've realised with my (very) limited experience, it's that relationships are a real pain to start or manage when serious life events like family illness and so on are on-going.

So I wouldn't beat yourself up about having difficulties with this guy, just acknowledge that if he won't work through it with you in the end that you can find someone better in the future anyway. Good luck!

 

[Regumika]

I've been hearing that no one should be in relationships because they need one. You shouldn't need a man to be happy. You should already be happy on your own, but want a man (and not just any man) to share it with. Now, if you flip that around... He doesn't [need] you, he just wants you. Therefore even if you have nothing to [offer], it doesn't matter. He is not looking for what you have.

I'm sure you like him not because he is nice to YOU, but that he's nice in general. See, you aren't needing what he has. You laugh with him not because you need him to make you laugh, but that's he's funny. So, don't think about what you can do for the relationship, just be yourself. If he wants you, let him.

 

[Menorahman]

Sounds like you are addicted to relationships. Being single for a period of time would have helped you.