Have I done the right thing?

[jean-vic]

My best friend used to be addicted to cocaine and took it daily, but before I met him he came off the stuff, only using occassionally for recreation, or so he calls it. He didn't use it for the first year of our friendship so I as none the wiser, until he used on a night out and I noticed the effects. I told him that night that he wasn't to use again otherwise the friendship would be over. Cherishing our friendship, he swore he'd never touch it again.

A week ago - 6 months after our conversation - I learned he had been using for a month, again. I shouted, called him pathetic and weak and told him we were done as long as he was on it. He said that was my choice and he respected it, but he wasn't going to guarantee he wouldn't touch something he used only recreationally.

I have a history with drugs. I have never taken them, but my dad smoked marijuana and was a cocaine addict. One night, when I was 10, he was drug deprived and beat me up for waking him, in the night, to ask for a drink. I never saw him after that, until I was 21 and discovered drugs had pretty much driven him mad with paranoia. I, therefore, despise the things that destroyed my dad and have destroyed so many people's lives.

However, I have lost my best friend, although his choice of drugs over me - like my father before him - is revealing, and am left wondering if I did the right thing or, as my friend suggested, am just overreacting to what is occassional drug use.

Anyone have any thoughts?

 

[ladyforsaken]

This is tough, jean. It depends what you feel is right, I think.

I have a cousin who does it too. I cared so much about her.. it only hurt me (and her poor son) more and more as we stuck by her despite her choice to continue.

I have detached from her because I couldn't bear just being around someone who chooses to destroy their life and along with the lives of their loved ones (which I find seriously selfish). But she is a hardcore user and have claimed that she will never stop, so it was easier to get mad at her and leave her side to leave her to it. She's even been prisoned and out, rehab and out and still at it - prisoned again last I heard.

If I were in your situation, I'd stick by this friend. But that's only because I believe people can change over time, especially if they're not too in too deep with it?.. and if I care enough, I would stick by that person and support him/her towards improving themselves. It'll take a long time but at least I know I tried?

The fact that your best friend did try to stop the first time, shows that he must have valued the friendship. Addiction is very hard to stop.. and he may just been having a hard time without it.. and just need more time to kick the habit.

 

[Edward W]

Just my thoughts, let them know you'll be there for them if they try and quit, and if you haven't already, and feel like you can, tell them the story of your dad, why you feel this way and what you know it can lead to.

Maybe that will help them.

 

[Poguesy]

If you go at people aggressively for abusing any substance the likelihood is they'll continue to do it. People don't respond well to it.

 

[defenestrate]

Poguesy, Why would you ever say that? You mustn't hold yourself responsible for the decisions of other people... You can't blame other people for your own decisions... That's so wrong... It shouldn't be any surprise that being around drugs after formerly living with drug users an extremely unhealthy environment... Substance abuse takes a heavy toll on families. Of course some people will be aggressively opposed to allowing that toxic environment back into their lives. There's nothing wrong with putting up some personal boundaries, especially if you need to... It's always awful losing a good friend under such terrible terms. I've never been in this exact situation and I couldn't imagine how hard it must be. When my mother would drag my by the hair and throw all my stuff to the curb, at the age of eight, I would always comfort myself by saying that, "It's painful. But I cannot force her to make better decisions." My father had sex addiction problems and ran an escort service. I know that's different than drug use. But whenever somebody makes poor decisions that hurt me, I always try to build healthy, personal boundaries.

Please don't feel bad about doing the right thing for yourself.

 

[WildernessWildChild]

I would have done the same, theres enough to deal with without putting up with the worry of someone using/doing something I'm uncomfortable with.

The world needs to wake up and making excuses for people's addictions, it's a huge drain on security, finances, and emotion. I'm not a hater, I'm just getting real tired of being an accommodator.

Anyone thinking of a nasty response- save it, I could care less.

 

[randomdude]

I had kinda same problem with my friend who used marijuana everyday i never had the balls to say to him face to face that i won't hang with him anymore. I stopped hanging with him and i started calling him low life when ever i've seen him and ignored him(I am not usually like that). After some time he came to a coffe at my place and swore that he will never smoke weed again and everything is normal sicne then. He is clean for 5 months now and even when i come to ideas of smoking weed he prevents me from that ideas.

 

[Regumika]

You should do what you need to do. You can't have someone under the effects around you, and that is what you decide is best for you. Yes, cut your friend off, but do not hold a grudge against him. Like a few said, it is sad that they continue to do what they do. Addiction also isn't easy to combat.

Like randomdude said, you cut them off until they turn around. But don't hold any grudges and willingly take them back. Of course, when they are using it again, you back yourself out. You lay down the boundary, be clear with it. Leave it to them, with no hostility.

Though, in the end it is up to you to take them back or not. But definitely stay clear of calling them weak or stupid. -my 2 cents

 

[jean-vic]

Thanks everyone. I appreciate the answers. Definitely given me something to think about.

Just to clarify my agression, I was a little drunk at the time - despite the sobering effects of the conversation - and aid that he ran the risk of hurting those dearest to him. He then called me disgusting and said I should be ashamed of myself. Given the heated nature of the discussion, I flipped. I know I shouldn't have, but I can't take that back now.

Additional information, he owes me money which he was suppossed to drop off today. When he didn't, I called him. I was polite and civil, while he was agressive, hanging up and saying I'd get it when I got it. I rang him back, told him not to speak to me like that when I am trying to be polite, and he just sounded disinterested and hung up again. Amazing how he has changed so quickly.

 

[jzinsky]

Just to throw in another curveball, do recognise the difference between substance use and abuse. I type this having had more alcohol in the past few days than I normally have in a year. I understand your reasons to be nowhere near him while he's high but (and this is a large but) if he can get high and leave it, that's not really an addiction. You could replace cocaine here with alcohol, would you be asking this question if he gets drunk most fridays?

Not that I know how he's handling the use, just something to consider?

 

[Poguesy]

Just to throw in another curveball, do recognise the difference between substance use and abuse. I type this having had more alcohol in the past few days than I normally have in a year. I understand your reasons to be nowhere near him while he's high but (and this is a large but) if he can get high and leave it, that's not really an addiction. You could replace cocaine here with alcohol, would you be asking this question if he gets drunk most fridays?

Not that I know how he's handling the use, just something to consider?

Agreed, dependant be a better word than addiction.

I would class him as a substance user 'at risk'

 

[painter's radio]

I don't want to be throwing around alcohol-related death/rehab etc statistics, but I'm sure you get the point from this sentence alone. It's the same with cocaine - some people can use it responsibly while others can't. It's your decision whether you want to remain friends with him or not, but I do think you're expecting too much of him. I personally would be upset if a friend wanted nothing to do with me because of something I did responsibly (disregarding here how cocaine is made and the people that get rich/killed/imprisoned in the making of said cocaine) but I would also understand their actions better if I knew why. Have you told him about your father? It might not stop him doing it, but it might make him understand so you can at least remain, or leave each other's lives, on better terms.

 

[jean-vic]

Yes, he knows about my father.

He claims he isn't addicted, and that may very well be, but he only takes it in times of emotional turmoil and refuses to come off it, despite it getting him massively debt ridden last time. If you cannot swear off something and admit you need it at some point, it seems like addiction to me.

 

[jzinsky]

He claims he isn't addicted,

Uh oh, the first cry of an addict when confronted. If he says "I can quit anytime I want" then you're more than justified