The way I would describe how I feel is; I feel like a “freak” (for lack of a better word). I feel like when people look at me, they’re thinking “eww, that’s disgusting”, and that’s not entirely because of my looks, but just myself in general. The “whole-person evaluation” of me just isn’t something people in general find attractive. I’ve never felt comfortable in my own skin. I’ve never felt entitled to the same things in life that everyone else is, and like I said before, having never been positively validated or encouraged by anyone even after sometimes trying to fish for it makes it surely seem as though my inferiority status is confrimed. This is why when I try to tell people that I feel ostracized by people, it always irritates me when they ask things like “what did they say/do to you?” Sometimes its not what people say or do to you, it’s what they DON’T say or do. I understand completely that much of the work in improving my situation starts with me changing myself, but I feel like I’ve done a great deal of that as it is. If what I’ve done isn’t enough, then I’m afraid there’s nothing I can do.
I’m not like most people. I don’t think you should keep going and keep trying until hell freezes over to fix your life and improve yourself. I think you should give it a true effort of course, if only just to see if there’s a chance you will succeed, and if life doesn’t work out, end it. I firmly believe this. I think the problem we have now with modern society is the fact that we don’t allow enough dying to occur. We now live under this mantra that “all life is precious”. Such a nonsensical way to look at things. Natural selection isn’t picking off the weak and undesirable anymore because we’ve created a modern society that shelters people from the wrath of nature, hence why so many undesirables like myself are out there today. We get kept alive these days, whereas in the primal days we would have died, leaving only the strong, smart, and capable so it is up to us to honestly self-evaluate and do nature’s work for it. That doesn’t have to mean suicide, it could just mean refraining from having children, but for me, I’m looking at both options.