AFrozenSoul
Well-known member
So last night I was hit with another round of how screwed up I am. I think I have talked about this before, but you know I have to repeat myself sometimes and I do not care about that fact. ANYWAY, how screwed up am I? Well I was catching up on a TV show and there was a scene of implied sex between a male and a female. You know implied, kissing, and maybe lose an article or two of clothing then cut to the end with one getting dressed or them lying in bed. Then seeing that I became extremely depressed.
So I guess I have to show why this makes me screwed up. Anyone might say that being lonely will cause these feelings. No, the reason why I say I am screwed up is because I can watch porn and not feel a thing. That is why I feel I am extremely screwed up. I mean I can watch porn rub one one out and then not feel anything. However, whenever I watch a TV show which generally just puts stuff like that in as fan service for the audience. I get upset and depressed and suddenly start thinking about the way to kill myself tonight. Lucky for me my kitty comes running around wanting love and I am reminded she needs to make it to the end of her life first. That is the problem with me. I still care so very much about my kitty that she is the reason I am not going to die.
It is not just on TV either no of course it is not just TV. It happens in real life as well. Not that I have seen couple attack each other and throw their cloths off. In real life the magnitude is worse. All I have to see is a couple just kind of cuddling and being affectionate to have another surge of depression kick me down to the ground and ruin my day. I mean you know it is bad when the only thing that will block those feelings is a really high BAC... and even then that does not happen very often with me. Even then the BAC has to be well beyond human limits.
I know that it is because of the fact that I have come to accept that I am never going to have anything like that for the remainder of my short life. I tolerate the fact really, but it still depresses the crap out of me. However, I know that females have standards, their males have to be attractive, smart, interesting. At best I am just boring and nothing special. Which is why I get so very depressed. I was just left behind in the gene pool. Though I do my best to tolerate the fact that I am never going to have sex again. I understand that some humans are just disgusting wastes of space. I am one of them and I know that I am not the only one. Too bad my kitty is super healthy so it will be a very long time before I kill myself.
Everyday I just seem to fall further and further down into the darkness. I am almost to the point where I do not even want to hug someone or see people hug. No matter how empty and meaningless the gesture is. It is really funny to think at how much seeing human affection makes me want to die. Which is why I do my best to never leave my apartment so I can just be inside and keeping away from stuff like that.
So yeah I have just given up on that whole aspect of life. True I could spend the next 20 years trying to learn those skills. However, like I said I am stupid. So it takes me at least 5 times as long to learn social skills and things about socializing as other people. I am not like all those other guys who try to encourage me who were just missing a couple of steps. I am not even anywhere near the staircase. So when you have to find your way to the staircase then figure out how to climb it. Well you do not get anything, but failure and failure and failure till you get to the point of thinking why bother since by the time I get there I will be 50 anyway. So yeah I am screwed up, I just hope that my cat dies soon so that I can kill myself and stop having to be around the world.
So I guess I have to show why this makes me screwed up. Anyone might say that being lonely will cause these feelings. No, the reason why I say I am screwed up is because I can watch porn and not feel a thing. That is why I feel I am extremely screwed up. I mean I can watch porn rub one one out and then not feel anything. However, whenever I watch a TV show which generally just puts stuff like that in as fan service for the audience. I get upset and depressed and suddenly start thinking about the way to kill myself tonight. Lucky for me my kitty comes running around wanting love and I am reminded she needs to make it to the end of her life first. That is the problem with me. I still care so very much about my kitty that she is the reason I am not going to die.
It is not just on TV either no of course it is not just TV. It happens in real life as well. Not that I have seen couple attack each other and throw their cloths off. In real life the magnitude is worse. All I have to see is a couple just kind of cuddling and being affectionate to have another surge of depression kick me down to the ground and ruin my day. I mean you know it is bad when the only thing that will block those feelings is a really high BAC... and even then that does not happen very often with me. Even then the BAC has to be well beyond human limits.
I know that it is because of the fact that I have come to accept that I am never going to have anything like that for the remainder of my short life. I tolerate the fact really, but it still depresses the crap out of me. However, I know that females have standards, their males have to be attractive, smart, interesting. At best I am just boring and nothing special. Which is why I get so very depressed. I was just left behind in the gene pool. Though I do my best to tolerate the fact that I am never going to have sex again. I understand that some humans are just disgusting wastes of space. I am one of them and I know that I am not the only one. Too bad my kitty is super healthy so it will be a very long time before I kill myself.
Everyday I just seem to fall further and further down into the darkness. I am almost to the point where I do not even want to hug someone or see people hug. No matter how empty and meaningless the gesture is. It is really funny to think at how much seeing human affection makes me want to die. Which is why I do my best to never leave my apartment so I can just be inside and keeping away from stuff like that.
So yeah I have just given up on that whole aspect of life. True I could spend the next 20 years trying to learn those skills. However, like I said I am stupid. So it takes me at least 5 times as long to learn social skills and things about socializing as other people. I am not like all those other guys who try to encourage me who were just missing a couple of steps. I am not even anywhere near the staircase. So when you have to find your way to the staircase then figure out how to climb it. Well you do not get anything, but failure and failure and failure till you get to the point of thinking why bother since by the time I get there I will be 50 anyway. So yeah I am screwed up, I just hope that my cat dies soon so that I can kill myself and stop having to be around the world.