AFrozenSoul
Well-known member
So I do not know what the deal was for today.. maybe I am just feeling ill or something... it has not been the best day for me physically. Anyway, I just felt the need to be heard. I am not sure what else I can do or say these days other than just type my feelings out. I am not really sure what I am going to do. I think for starters I am going to stop hiding my depression from everyone. I think more and more I am going to let it out. I am going to become withdrawn from the world. I believe that today, the 4th of July, will be the last hoilday I take. I hate holidays more and more. I hate my family, I hate my roommate, I hate everything. On holidays I just want to be alone. I want to be isolated and alone. I will never get that wish because I am a second class citizen. However, that is what I want. So I figure the best way to get my way is to start working on holidays. I think I will start with Labor day. Even if I told my sister I would not start until 2013.
Yeah I think I am going to start on Labor day of this year. I will work a full 8 hour day and treat it like any normal day. The only think I like about holidays is the lack of traffic. Even when I worked in an office holidays lacked any real significance to me. Just another day that I had to kill time with. I guess as long as I there was no reason to actually give a **** or try or anything like that. Most of those days I was just guilt-tripped into doing something with the family. I am done with that.
The hardest will be giftmas. Pretty much every other holiday I can skip because the family does its own thing. Giftmas is the troublesome one. I do not care though. I will work my time and show up when everyone is leaving. Well maybe I can show up only an hour or two late. Either way I am done with giftmas. I hate that holiday the most of them all. It even out ranks get drunk and stupid day, new years eve, and my yearly count down to death. In a year or two I will just stop showing up. I no longer care. I am also going to give up skiing. I am tried of trying to save up. I have other priorities so I am done with skiing. I am not even going to rent skis this year. That is out of my life. I hope that will put up a red flag to someone.
I wrote my sister this afternoon. I filled up three whole pages. Which is a lot on the kind of paper I am using. I am curious to see how she will react. I know she will tell my mom. I guess I did not tell her to not tell mom... oh well. Whatever, I hope that this is a red flag to her. Then again, the last letter I wrote did not seem to make any kind of a dent in her. She did not even bring it up at our last get together. I will keep writing her though. I can do that much because it is theraputic to know that she might read the letter. I am going to make her tell me to stop sending her letters. If I send enough letters talking about the same crap. She will realize how boring and stupid I am. Of course she has so much going on in her life I doubt she will even read the letter. Oh well, that is the fate of some letters right? I doubt I will get a reaction out of her. I hope I do not because then I can put it in my suicide not that I tried to talk to her and she did not respond.
So yeah I think this time I am really off the deep end. I really feel that this time there is no coming back from this. I can try and blame my roommate, but I know the truth. I had this coming a long time. Even if I was still living alone I would probably have made it here... granted I would not have made it here as quickly. I might have had a whole other year to get here. However, I am here now... like I said maybe it is this bug I have... I do not know.
Anyway thanks for reading. Any thoughts or advice or anything would be nice. Granted you have done more than enough by just reading this.
Yeah I think I am going to start on Labor day of this year. I will work a full 8 hour day and treat it like any normal day. The only think I like about holidays is the lack of traffic. Even when I worked in an office holidays lacked any real significance to me. Just another day that I had to kill time with. I guess as long as I there was no reason to actually give a **** or try or anything like that. Most of those days I was just guilt-tripped into doing something with the family. I am done with that.
The hardest will be giftmas. Pretty much every other holiday I can skip because the family does its own thing. Giftmas is the troublesome one. I do not care though. I will work my time and show up when everyone is leaving. Well maybe I can show up only an hour or two late. Either way I am done with giftmas. I hate that holiday the most of them all. It even out ranks get drunk and stupid day, new years eve, and my yearly count down to death. In a year or two I will just stop showing up. I no longer care. I am also going to give up skiing. I am tried of trying to save up. I have other priorities so I am done with skiing. I am not even going to rent skis this year. That is out of my life. I hope that will put up a red flag to someone.
I wrote my sister this afternoon. I filled up three whole pages. Which is a lot on the kind of paper I am using. I am curious to see how she will react. I know she will tell my mom. I guess I did not tell her to not tell mom... oh well. Whatever, I hope that this is a red flag to her. Then again, the last letter I wrote did not seem to make any kind of a dent in her. She did not even bring it up at our last get together. I will keep writing her though. I can do that much because it is theraputic to know that she might read the letter. I am going to make her tell me to stop sending her letters. If I send enough letters talking about the same crap. She will realize how boring and stupid I am. Of course she has so much going on in her life I doubt she will even read the letter. Oh well, that is the fate of some letters right? I doubt I will get a reaction out of her. I hope I do not because then I can put it in my suicide not that I tried to talk to her and she did not respond.
So yeah I think this time I am really off the deep end. I really feel that this time there is no coming back from this. I can try and blame my roommate, but I know the truth. I had this coming a long time. Even if I was still living alone I would probably have made it here... granted I would not have made it here as quickly. I might have had a whole other year to get here. However, I am here now... like I said maybe it is this bug I have... I do not know.
Anyway thanks for reading. Any thoughts or advice or anything would be nice. Granted you have done more than enough by just reading this.