I Cannot Think Of a Title

[AFrozenSoul]

So I do not know what the deal was for today.. maybe I am just feeling ill or something... it has not been the best day for me physically. Anyway, I just felt the need to be heard. I am not sure what else I can do or say these days other than just type my feelings out. I am not really sure what I am going to do. I think for starters I am going to stop hiding my depression from everyone. I think more and more I am going to let it out. I am going to become withdrawn from the world. I believe that today, the 4th of July, will be the last hoilday I take. I hate holidays more and more. I hate my family, I hate my roommate, I hate everything. On holidays I just want to be alone. I want to be isolated and alone. I will never get that wish because I am a second class citizen. However, that is what I want. So I figure the best way to get my way is to start working on holidays. I think I will start with Labor day. Even if I told my sister I would not start until 2013.

Yeah I think I am going to start on Labor day of this year. I will work a full 8 hour day and treat it like any normal day. The only think I like about holidays is the lack of traffic. Even when I worked in an office holidays lacked any real significance to me. Just another day that I had to kill time with. I guess as long as I there was no reason to actually give a **** or try or anything like that. Most of those days I was just guilt-tripped into doing something with the family. I am done with that.

The hardest will be giftmas. Pretty much every other holiday I can skip because the family does its own thing. Giftmas is the troublesome one. I do not care though. I will work my time and show up when everyone is leaving. Well maybe I can show up only an hour or two late. Either way I am done with giftmas. I hate that holiday the most of them all. It even out ranks get drunk and stupid day, new years eve, and my yearly count down to death. In a year or two I will just stop showing up. I no longer care. I am also going to give up skiing. I am tried of trying to save up. I have other priorities so I am done with skiing. I am not even going to rent skis this year. That is out of my life. I hope that will put up a red flag to someone.

I wrote my sister this afternoon. I filled up three whole pages. Which is a lot on the kind of paper I am using. I am curious to see how she will react. I know she will tell my mom. I guess I did not tell her to not tell mom... oh well. Whatever, I hope that this is a red flag to her. Then again, the last letter I wrote did not seem to make any kind of a dent in her. She did not even bring it up at our last get together. I will keep writing her though. I can do that much because it is theraputic to know that she might read the letter. I am going to make her tell me to stop sending her letters. If I send enough letters talking about the same crap. She will realize how boring and stupid I am. Of course she has so much going on in her life I doubt she will even read the letter. Oh well, that is the fate of some letters right? I doubt I will get a reaction out of her. I hope I do not because then I can put it in my suicide not that I tried to talk to her and she did not respond.

So yeah I think this time I am really off the deep end. I really feel that this time there is no coming back from this. I can try and blame my roommate, but I know the truth. I had this coming a long time. Even if I was still living alone I would probably have made it here... granted I would not have made it here as quickly. I might have had a whole other year to get here. However, I am here now... like I said maybe it is this bug I have... I do not know.

Anyway thanks for reading. Any thoughts or advice or anything would be nice. Granted you have done more than enough by just reading this.

 

[wolf359]

I noticed on another forum, takethislife.com, there's a journal section where you can write down your feelings, every day if you wanted. Nobody else can post to them, so it's kind of like a diary where other people can read. But I think it's mostly so you can read and get a different perspective on what's going on in your life. Might be a good way to write down your feelings and vent. And if you wanted other people to see it, you could certainly direct them to your journal.
Just a thought...

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Do you go out much?
You work from your home?

My life isnt the same as yours but I feel like it's not going in the direction I want.
Hanging out at bars or with chicks I dont really have any intension of being with
is kind of like a bandaide job. It's getting old for me. I feel like it ran it's course.

Anyway sometmes I sense I might be headed for a depression...I know I cant
isolate. My friend is a major drunk...it's the same old honeysuckle different day everytime
I go hang out with him...that's how I feel.

Im forcing myself to talk simple walks or sit out in open space to clear my mind.
10-15 is all about I can muster up at the moment.

Journaling help lots.

I dont know if Im ready to write a lot of personal honeysuckle at the moment in public.
The things Ive wrote on here are only tips of the iceburge. i dont know if
its going to resovle anything for me....

Hope you get well soon.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

You need to create a blog, or something to write your feelings down. I echo the sentiments of starting a journal.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

@Lonesome Crow: I go out to buy food and to go to the gym... so on a long day I am out maybe 3 hours. I wish I was bored of just going out and meeting random females. Always funny to hear someone talk about being bored of a situation that you want to be in. Sadly life is not fair anymore and we cannot expect life to work out for everyone.

@Everyone Else: Very well I will stop posting threads here. Does anyone take the time to think that MAYBE I am posting a thread here because I want feedback? You know just take 5 seconds to think that? I guess not and I have been labeled as that annoying guy. So I will not post here anymore. Nor will I give any helpful feedback to anyone else either.

I have several blogs. All of them are public. I have not had any comments in years. You know if I just wanted to get my feelings out without any feedback I would not come here. So screw you guys.

 

[Ashariel]

Hey I'm sorry you're feeling bad about this stuff. I hate holidays too - or at least, I've hated them most of my adult life. (Loved them as a kid though!)

For me, I think my depression overwhelmed me to the point where nothing was fun, so holidays were just about going through the motions, and following traditions that felt empty and meaningless to me. Spending time, energy, and money on something pointless to make other people happy - and having to put on a happy smiley face and pretend to actually enjoy it, when in truth I was completely miserable.

I ended up bowing out of family holiday gatherings as well, and haven't attended one in years. Thankfully my family understood, and respected my decision to not celebrate with them. I hope yours will be understanding about it too!

Just wanted to say I completely understand where you're coming from, and that if working on holidays gives you a socially-acceptable excuse to save yourself from that stress, then it's a good plan.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

@Ashariel: Funny thing is that I hated holidays as a kid too. Basically it was a period of time where all the adults got together and had fun while the kids waited for our little 30 minute segment of fun. Now that has not changed at all. Hell they are even worse because no one shows up. Because everyone has to go to everyone's parties.

Personally I do not care if my family does not like my choice. They can kiss my ass.

Glad to know someone can relate.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

well...last night I went to a little hangout place. It toally sucks
in there..but it gave me something different to do. Plus sometimes
I'll run into people i know there.
30 mins of that...I bounced. It was sunday.

I went out on satureday night by myself becuase my
friend was too freaken drunk to even walk or carry a
conversation. i ran into people i already knew..so that
was ok.

I went shopping last night. Grips of people everywhere.
I didnt meet anyone. Came home and cook a nice dinner
for myself.

Its too hot to go outside during the day where I live at the moment...

I have 4 options tonight. it's monday night
Attend support groups meeting and hang there for a couple of hours.
Go hang at the a t coffee shop
Go to the park...plenty of people go there during the evening.
Or go hangout with my friend and watch him get drunk....

Yeap...Im bored of this
But I cant sit home and isolate.

I dont trip out much becuase I lived that so call stable life, job, relationship, home..ect

This was our routine during the week work, eat dinner, watch a movie together, sex every other night.Im out by 10 pm.lol
The days just blended into together. And sometimes it seems like time flies. Becuase every fresken year...
Im like...Oh wow, fresia bothering taking the x-max lights down, it's freaken OCt already. It felt like is was yesterday
when I went xmas shopping.lol Even the sex got boring sometimes...

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, dude. I just wanted to tell you that you need to get your feelings down.

There is a blogging feature on here. Just create a diary in that section, people will read it.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

@LeaningIntoTheMuse: My point was that if I did not want feedback I would post to a journal. Where no one will care enough to leave me comments. I post in forums in threads to recieve feedback.

 

[Lonely in BC]

@LeaningIntoTheMuse: My point was that if I did not want feedback I would post to a journal. Where no one will care enough to leave me comments. I post in forums in threads to recieve feedback.

It amuses the hell out of me that you want feedback but when you get it you come back with a bitchy attitude because you don't like the response. What makes you think people want to respond to someone who's not going to show appreciation for the effort of trying to commiserate or possibly offer some useful advice?

Maybe people are tired of the tediousness of your attitude. You don't seem to enjoy or appreciate a damned thing- what would make you think anyone would be remotely interested in engaging with some who seems hell-bent on sucking the pleasure out of holidays, occasions, discussions, etc.......

So you're going to work every holiday- big ******* deal! Many of us do. I purposefully chose to be on a crew that is working every stat holiday this year (including gift mas and New Years) as holidays don't mean honeysuckle to me and knowing they have to pay me double time does- I'll really appreciate it when I'm sitting on a warm beach or doing a hike through some crazy assed jungle next winter.

You come across as not appreciating anything life has to offer. You don't like your family, you don't like your roommate, you don't like skiing anymore, you don't like holidays, you don't like going out, you don't like the cards you feel life dealt you...... seems like all of your effort is going into finding reasons to not appreciate things.

Nothing I've wrote is going to change your shitty attitude, you've chose to be there. I just wrote my observations based on this and other posts you've made. You wanted a response, this is just that. You'll likely come back with a dismissive response for me as well- whatever floats your boat.

As far as advice- I really don't do that so well, who am I to give advice!?! Besides, nobody wants to hear a gem like "Pull your head out of your ass, man up, and face the world", it's so not pc in our kinder, gentler society of today.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

@Lonely in BC: I am well aware all the things you said are true. Hence why I just won't post here. I will just continue the never ending fire that are a lot of threads on here. True I do like to argue. However, that is just what I do. I enjoy asking questions. Granted I will not be around as much as my empty threads are making me like the forums less.

^_^ Working holidays is a bit bigger of a deal for me. I do not get any bonuses for doing it. I just get a "good for you". I have no incentive to do it other than to get away from the family.

Do not worry I will man up and splatter my brains all over a wall soon enough. I just need my kitty to pass on.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

I have this nasty ass depression coming on...

Beats the hell out of me whats going to happen this coming x-mas....
My father is dying in the next 48 hrs.

My daughter is totally flipping out..No matter what ive done to try to right
whats been wrong. It just turns out not accordingly. i just wish she and her
mother can reconcile somehow. Too much pains for both of them for too fucken long.
Yes Im hurt by it all and i cant really bare it either way. Both these people means
the world to me.

Anyway...I made myself go to a local park the other day and just fucken sat there
for an hour. I went to a support group meeting even though Im still drinking
and dont have intentions of stopping anytime soon. I simply cannot isolate
and go negative. Its all messed up like this too.

I took my dad's guitar out and just strummed it.
I made myself some shrimp cocktail. Might as well eat good.
I also made crab cakes lastnight for dinner. Something ive never done before.

I went to visit my friend thats..well, rather drunk.
Beats the living hell out of me how he find different chicks.

So we go hang out at a local bar...No body was in there.lmao
its all good...the bar tender is a young fine looking thing...with a hell of a charector.
She's a wacky chick from out of a crazy comic book. Gothic sort da.
She has grips of tattoos and a bad assone on her back with skulls and flames.
And she got a freaken pumpin tattoo on her leg...that's haralious honeysuckle.
But she dosnt have a tramp stamp..she's like "fresia tramp stamps"lol
She crack jokes with me all night.
I told her I have a sob story i can tell her...If she's ready to fall in love.lmao
She told me, sure...why the hell not.
but she dosnt have a heart becuase it got stumpped on honeysuckle loads of times..so she eat it.

so my buddy and manage to make it home without getting the red lights.
We ran into Sarah. i miss Sarah. She told me she misses me too but cant party tonight.

so my buddy calls a chick he just met to come over and party.
One thing leads to another i ended up ******* the living honeysuckle out of her.
So we wanna go a second round...but i dont have an extra rubber.
I wasnt plan on having sex with anyone...
So I washed a rubber i just used....There's a first time for everything
I havnt done that in my life either.lmao
Its totally rediculous becuase half of the time Im still thinking about my baby's mama
throughout all this honeysuckle.

Well...it's definitely not perfect.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

@Lonesome Crow: Sorry I cannot sympathize with this story friend. I would give anything to have the ability to say I was not planning on having sex tonight. Hell I would give anything to have to have a female who puts out just to keep me around. You and I live in different worlds. So sorry to say that I have no idea how you feel or what you feel. Because your world sounds like a paradise to me. Even if it is not a paradise to you.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

well...my father died yesterday.
I didt know how to take it or I do now.
I love my father very much but I dont get alone with him.
Im like the blacksheep of the family.

So I went and sat on a park bench under a tree for 15 mins.
Alot of stuff going through my mind. My daughter Kimi becuase
she's very hurt still due to the circumstance between her mother and I.

I went to a support group meeting. Perhasp I thought i can fine
some sort of peace. i didnt say a word. i just sat there and pretty
much force myself to sit there for an hour becuase I didnt really
want to sit and listen to people talk about their problems.
No one would really help me anyways.

So i came home and made dinner.

Then I went to a local bar alone. I just wanted to go
have a drink alone without having to think, feel, or do anything oneway or
the other.

Then a couple of my buddies showed up. We hung out.
Then i met a complete stanger. He was a nice young man.
We chit chat just like if i was to introduce myself to a chick.

Then I hEatHer and i was talking about tatoo.
She dosnt have any tatoo...
She said if she get one it would be right about her pussy with her name...
as hEatHer.....that's harillious honeysuckle.

I also ran into a very good friend of mind that i havnt seen
in a yrs. I love him like my son. i kind of raised him.
He was with his family and children. Im very happy for him.
He's gone through a lot of stuff too. it could have gone either
way for him just the same. Im happy that life is working out better for him.
I hug him as i always. He knows I love Sassy and Kimi very much.

I was kindda drunk but not stupid out of control.
I wasnt planning on meeting anyone or really want to hit on chicks. Wasnt in the mood.
So after closing hours we just came back to my buddie's place.
I stay there every so often or anytime i want.
I just wanted to get some sleep and call it a night.
Well...at 3 A.M...Sarah ring the back door a couple of times.
She told me she misses me and just wanna hang out.
My friend was also awaken by the door bell.
He's like..." you ******* are rediculous" lmao

Life is wierd man.....

 

[Lonesome Crow]

well..now, Sarah and Amber are here partying.
Its stupid rediculous. They're both not GF or Wife material.

Yes, same planet, different world.
I simply cant sit stair at the four walls and cry over Sassy anymore
no matter how much i love her. Im not realdy for a relationship
or anytype of deep emotional bonding at the moment.

Not paradize. Hopefully its just a weird phase Im going through.
I dont lack social skills. It's also a sort of diminshing skills.
On top of that...I dont do very well if i sit home alone...especailly now.
Cuase all I'll think is about Sassy and Kimi.

To me..my life isnt going the way i want.
People can judge me or not approval of what Im doing at the moment.
Im bascially just staying bussied. Not isolating. Statying positive as best I can.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

I guess that is where we differ. I keep busy so I cannot have an attitude of any kind. It is ok, even in your state you sound like you have the life I want. A life I will never have.

 

[IgnoredOne]

What makes you think that you're a second class citizen, exactly?

If you work so much, why are you having so much difficulty saving up? I also don't mind working on the holidays, hell, I admire people who work multiple jobs as I'm currently about to do two jobs plus school.

I don't correlate it with depression, though, but a certain enthusiasm and vigor.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

I guess that is where we differ. I keep busy so I cannot have an attitude of any kind. It is ok, even in your state you sound like you have the life I want. A life I will never have.

K.....
At a young age, even though I didnt understand about all
of this law of attraction, recieving, and allowing stuff.
But I was natraully doing it.

You already know women asked me out, hitted on me
and just reach out and touch me sometimes.
Knocks on my door when Im sleep and honeysuckle....

I know, there's dudes out there that's gonna tell you...that
honeysuckle cant happen. How in the fresia would chick just ask
some dude out over and over again?
honeysuckle like that only happens to studs. dudes the money to burn..ect.

Have you ever consider just letting people cared for you?
allow them to love you? Allow a chick to just shower you
with all her love? Allow a chick to just touch you...ect

One of the spiritaul principles is acceptence...
Acceptence however has two meanings.
Most people tend to see it as accepting messed up situations they cant change. (which is helpful to let go)

The other meaning is RECIEVING. Accepting gifts, love, compliments, help, blessings, miracles, peace, wealth....ect
If you close yourself off to recieving...you're still closing yourself off. Decreasing your INFLOW...just the same.
These are some of the things I can change about myself....

K, I going post a pic of beauty and the beast for you.lol
I allowed her to kiss me on my forehead and express her
love for me....i was freaken sleep N wasnt bussied.lol

 

[AFrozenSoul]

@IgnoredOne: Because I am one of those evil people who is salaried, not hourly. Like I said in a previous post, there is no reward for my overtime. The depression is just an excuse to not care anymore.

@Lonesome Crow: I am all for receiving. However, in order to receive, as you have put it, someone has to give. No one wants to give the attention to my existence, much less give me love. In order to receive you have to be given. If no one gives it is not my fault that I am not receiving is it?