I Don't Feel Loved

[In a lonely place]

I've worked so hard to change my life over the last 23 years. I started from scratch at the age of 25 to try and rebuild my life after a mental breakdown when I just couldn't go on living the way I did before.

Despite getting a job (finally) and trying to make new friends, I still am so lonely at times.
Life is not unbearable, but I seem to lack the ability to be happy, I don't make friends easily, I don't trust people easily.

I have made one good friend and I value his friendship, but it's not like we can go out 'on the pull' together. I feel I'm running out of time.

I am shy, especially with women, but I do have women friends, they just tend to be married themselves or much too young for me.

I used to think that if I met the right women, then my life would be perfect. Now I'm not so sure.

Has anyone got any advice for me?

 

[bookworm1979]

In a lonely place (are you a Joy Division fan?): First of all, congratulations on picking yourself up after having a mental breakdown, I know that must have been difficult...

When you say you lack the ability to be happy, do you mean you're not happy because you can't find a girlfriend/wife? Or is it your inability to trust people that makes you unhappy? Or is it both?

As far as life being perfect by meeting the right woman, well, I'm sure you've heard this before, but you have to be happy within yourself first, you can't expect somebody else to make you happy...Sure, if you could find the right woman, that would add to your happiness, but if you're not happy already, nobody can change that for you...

Unfortunately, I don't have any answers for you...I'm in the same boat myself...Except I don't have ANY friends, LOL...But I just try to tell myself I'm luckier than millions of people out there...I just take life one day at a time, and give thanks for even the smallest blessings in my life...

Have you tried online dating? Any activities you're interested in that involve a group or club you can join? Of course, the shyness thing can be a problem, I know...

I'm sorry, I probably didn't help you...But I DO care!!!

Let me know how you're doing!!!

 

[Lonely in BC]

In a lonely place (are you a Joy Division fan?): First of all, congratulations on picking yourself up after having a mental breakdown, I know that must have been difficult...

When you say you lack the ability to be happy, do you mean you're not happy because you can't find a girlfriend/wife? Or is it your inability to trust people that makes you unhappy? Or is it both?

As far as life being perfect by meeting the right woman, well, I'm sure you've heard this before, but you have to be happy within yourself first, you can't expect somebody else to make you happy...Sure, if you could find the right woman, that would add to your happiness, but if you're not happy already, nobody can change that for you...

Unfortunately, I don't have any answers for you...I'm in the same boat myself...Except I don't have ANY friends, LOL...But I just try to tell myself I'm luckier than millions of people out there...I just take life one day at a time, and give thanks for even the smallest blessings in my life...

Have you tried online dating? Any activities you're interested in that involve a group or club you can join? Of course, the shyness thing can be a problem, I know...

I'm sorry, I probably didn't help you...But I DO care!!!

Let me know how you're doing!!!

You have friends B.W., we just don't live next door

 

[bookworm1979]

Thanks, Lonely in BC!!! It's good to know someone cares because it's easy for me to forget that during my daily isolation...

 

[Lonely in BC]

Thanks, Lonely in BC!!! It's good to know someone cares because it's easy for me to forget that during my daily isolation...

No problem B.W., anytime.

Hi to In a lonely place, was going to respond to you as well but I was interrupted.

It does get a little tougher to dig in and reinvent ourselves as we get older. I can't really say what you should do about your specific situation but I can say I can relate to some aspects of what you mentioned.

First of all, I commend you on not having a woe is me, down on yourself attitude. You've stated pretty clearly that you're lonely, a bit on the shy side, and have that desire to have friends.

Saying you lack the ability to be happy is a pretty strong statement- I hope you meant that you just haven't found what it takes to be happy......yet!

You might just have to force yourself to be more approachable and open- yes, easier said than done. I just spent a couple of years isolated, angry, and non-responsive to others. I have been forcing myself to become a bit more engaging, spontaneous, and approachable lately and it's paying off nicely. It's a good feeling to have and I look forward to more friends and possibly even a more intimate relationship with someone special (just have to meet her now ).

I know this quick response isn't going to change anything overnight. I do hope that you come to realize that it's within you to succeed, it just means you might have to find reasons or methods completely outside your current life experience to achieve that goal.

 

[beans]

I've worked so hard to change my life over the last 23 years. I started from scratch at the age of 25 to try and rebuild my life after a mental breakdown when I just couldn't go on living the way I did before.

Despite getting a job (finally) and trying to make new friends, I still am so lonely at times.
Life is not unbearable, but I seem to lack the ability to be happy, I don't make friends easily, I don't trust people easily.

I have made one good friend and I value his friendship, but it's not like we can go out 'on the pull' together. I feel I'm running out of time.

I am shy, especially with women, but I do have women friends, they just tend to be married themselves or much too young for me.

I used to think that if I met the right women, then my life would be perfect. Now I'm not so sure.

Has anyone got any advice for me?

I think you're in a right place in life right now. Perhaps do something out of the ordinary. Something you've wanted to try before but haven't due to whatever reasons. List those things and then make it a point to do it.

A lot of people are being terribly unrealistic towards love, relationships and friendships. I find that people want and desire intimacy and love, but do not want to get hurt. Getting hurt is part of life and its unavoidable.
True love means you open your heart up to vulnerablility
to fully receive, you have to be willing to fully lose.

I think you should put caution away and learn to open up yourself (trust) people until proven wrong.

If someone wrongs you in the end, what's the worse that could happen? You'll hurt in your heart but at least you tried and at least you lived. If you are always not wanting to trust others, you'll be alone for a long time.

Love is like giving your heart away to people again and again until you've learned how to love someone.

As for happiness - it varies. Some people are happy just traveling, going about their business, pursuing their careers, spending time with their families and hobbies, so which is yours? It will take some time to find out. And also an open mind.

 

[In a lonely place]

In a lonely place (are you a Joy Division fan?): First of all, congratulations on picking yourself up after having a mental breakdown, I know that must have been difficult...

Yes, Bookworm I'm a JD/New Order fan, are you?

When you say you lack the ability to be happy, do you mean you're not happy because you can't find a girlfriend/wife? Or is it your inability to trust people that makes you unhappy? Or is it both?

Probably both!

Have you tried online dating? Any activities you're interested in that involve a group or club you can join? Of course, the shyness thing can be a problem, I know...

Yes, I've tried online dating - not really very successful.
I do try to join groups or clubs sometimes, I guess I'm just taking a break from that sort of thing and would like to make friends more naturally, if you know what I mean?

p.s. You have helped me already just by replying and making me feel less alone. Cheers.

---

Thanks, Lonely in BC!!! It's good to know someone cares because it's easy for me to forget that during my daily isolation...

First of all, I commend you on not having a woe is me, down on yourself attitude. You've stated pretty clearly that you're lonely, a bit on the shy side, and have that desire to have friends.

Thank you.

Saying you lack the ability to be happy is a pretty strong statement- I hope you meant that you just haven't found what it takes to be happy......yet!

I hope so, I just feel I lost that childhood joy of loving life and haven't quite got it back yet.

You might just have to force yourself to be more approachable and open- yes, easier said than done. I just spent a couple of years isolated, angry, and non-responsive to others. I have been forcing myself to become a bit more engaging, spontaneous, and approachable lately and it's paying off nicely. It's a good feeling to have and I look forward to more friends and possibly even a more intimate relationship with someone special (just have to meet her now ).

I think I know what you mean, I'm glad that you are feeling more positive. I hope I can be brave enough to want that change in my life.

Thanks.

---

I think you're in a right place in life right now. Perhaps do something out of the ordinary. Something you've wanted to try before but haven't due to whatever reasons. List those things and then make it a point to do it.

I have been thinking of holidays (I don't often go on holiday, I would probably have to go on my own). I am determined to go to new places this year though.

If someone wrongs you in the end, what's the worse that could happen? You'll hurt in your heart but at least you tried and at least you lived. If you are always not wanting to trust others, you'll be alone for a long time.

As for happiness - it varies. Some people are happy just traveling, going about their business, pursuing their careers, spending time with their families and hobbies, so which is yours? It will take some time to find out. And also an open mind.

Yes, I know I tend to see things in a certain way. Such as Relationships and morals. Perhaps I'm too fixed in my thinking sometimes. It's a lifetime of habits to break thou and it's hard.

Thanks for your reply.

 

[In a lonely place]

Update:
Feeling pretty good at the moment guys, thanks.
Hope it lasts.

 

[Murmur]

I hope it lasts too!

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

No one person can fix your life. The only person who can be there, throughout your entire life, is you. If you like yourself, and appreciate yourself, then other people will do so, too.

You are the only one who can bring yourself happiness. If you use other people to fill the void, that isn't fair to the person - who wants to be treated as a friend and equal - and that isn't fair to you, because you're still unhappy.

You have to learn how to be happy alone. Then you can be happy in a friendship or relationship.

 

[ohemgeebees]

Hey In a Lonely Place. I know how you feel and I think alot of people can comment on it. Well Done for being so strong and finding the path to take etc.

I donn't think it does get easier as you get older, expecially with the idea of true love and perfectness that everything tells us we should wait for and find. It's one of those things that we want so much to be true, but can't understand how hard it is to find it.

Either way, feel better and keep being a strong person, *hugs*

 

[bookworm1979]

In a lonely place:

Yes, I am a JD/New Order fan (see my PM! Sorry it took so long to write back!)!

I know it's horrible not being able to trust people, I have the same problem...I feel like Holden Caulfield sometimes, everyone is "phony"...Why do you feel you have trust issues?

Online dating hasn't worked for me, either...I know what you mean about wanting to make friends "naturally"...The whole idea of a forced meeting just puts me off completely...I feel like I'm on a job interview, and I'm terrible at those...I'd just like to have a REAL conversation with someone...

I'm glad my reply helped you to feel less alone! Hope you are doing well!

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

Online dating takes time. Very often, the odds are stacked against men on those sites.

That doesn't mean that it's impossible to find someone. But it will take months and years. Not exactly a quick fix.

 

[In a lonely place]

Felt down again today. Had a decent weekend and I've got the week off from work, so I should be looking forward to it yes?
Well, sometimes my weeks off are the worst times since I don't get to see/talk to people as much as usual.

The thing today that got me down was that I went to visit my mum and my elder brother was there who I have problems getting on with.

My mother is quite elderly now and she does need help with a lot of things, which my brother helps out with. But sometimes I don't feel needed and this is difficult for me as my relationship with my mother has always been fairly close and now my brother spends so much time with her that I feel like an outsider almost.
I should have phoned maybe to see if she wanted anything, but usually she doesn't and so I feel hurt somehow.

I can appreciate my brother for helping out, but it doesn't seem right somehow for him to spend so much time there.

 

[Sci-Fi]

Maybe he's either jealous that you've been close with your mom or is now trying to make up for his lack of. Just don't take it to heart too much. Enjoy the break.

 

[In a lonely place]

Thanks for the continued advice and good wishes, it's really appreciated. Just thought I'd add a bit about some thoughts I've had lately.

I think I've realised that my mum is not the same as she was 10 or 20 years ago. Understandable as she's getting older (86 now) and inevitable.
I guess I am lucky in that she has been there for me as much as she could have been through the years (and I know that some of you haven't had support like that and I feel for you). But she forgets things now and repeats herself and does things slowly.
I was born when she was 38 and my father was older than that, so there was always quite a gap in ages between me and my parents and indeed I have two younger siblings so the gap was greater in years for them.
This has always been a worry for me as I felt my parents were out of touch with the modern world and lived in the past to some extent.
But at least I had parents who were around I suppose. Still I feel this has been a major cause of my 'not fitting in' and 'feeling an outsider' in lots of situations. And now it probably won't be long before I lose my remaining parent and I think it scares me.

Hence my original post of 'I don't feel loved'. Maybe this has been more to do with my own character flaws, but either way I dunno, maybe I'm just trying to come to terms with these feelings that I've always had for years and years.

I have got hope (see my diary entries), so not all bad news, but maybe I'm just trying to explain myself here.