I pushed him away........?

[lmph8885]

I have written before in this website. I mentioned that I have not been lucky with men in another post I recently wrote. In general, I have not been able to find someone I feel happy with. When I do find a guy that I like, it doesn’t work and he ends up leaving me and then eventually finding someone else. ALWAYS when they find someone else, they end up having long lasting relationships, even get married. This makes me ask myself if there is something wrong with me. How can other people manage to find and keep someone?


I will turn 30 this summer, so I feel that I need to find someone. I wish to have a family and I don’t want to start too old. Of course, I also feel the need of being with someone, not only to start a family. With the years, that need feels stronger and stronger for me.
Anyway, I started using a dating website (I know, not the best idea, but I had to try it for myself). I posted 4 pics of me. Surprisingly, I received responses from many users. In a way, that helped my self esteem. I eventually met a couple of guys, but it didn’t work out. I am desperate myself, but these guys were so much worse. They just pushed it too much. One of them practically forced me to kiss him, which was a terrible and I felt disgusted. Other guys agreed on meeting me, but when the day agreed came, they wouldn’t get in touch and just ditched me. These experiences almost made me give up on online dating. Then one day, a guy contacted me. I really liked him. Of course I found him attractive (for my own standards), but I really liked chatting with him, his conversations, the way he was always such a gentleman and so charming. The messaging went on going for weeks. I gave him my phone number, so we started contacting on whatsapp. My mobile got damaged, so I ask him to please add me on Facebook to continue being in touch. That is when things started changing for me. I saw some pics of him with another woman, recent pics, one month old. There were several of them, they looked very romantic. In some pics, he wrote how beautiful the girl is. The worst part is that, she is indeed a very beautiful Italian woman. Whereas I am a Latin American woman, with masculine face features (which have cost me a lot of bullying and people asking me on several occasions if I am a man) and to make it worse, I have gained 15 kg in the past 2 years. Those pics confused me of course. Then I figured that he might have recently broken up. Then why would he be on a dating website? Why would he agreed to ask me on Facebook if he had another relationship to hide? Those thoughts kept me a bit relaxed, but not completely convinced.

One day, we agreed on finally meeting. I know it wasn’t the wisest thing to do after my suspicions, but I found him so charming that I decided to give it a try. We are both currently living in England, I live in the north, he lives in the South. So he came to visit me. He had to take 3 trains which made me think he was really keen on meeting me. So he was here last weekend. I went to pick him up at the train station and when I looked him in the eyes for the first time, I felt something I had not experienced in a very very long time. I felt a very warm sensation inside me, so much happiness and a thrill from head to toes. When he first touched my hand those emotions escalated. We ended up kissing and going to my place after some drinks. I don’t want to go into details, because this is a public forum, but when we got intimate, lets say that he wasn’t very turned on if you know what I mean. Anyway, this made me feel very sad. We went to sleep. We got intimate again the next day, it was a bit better that time but I still didn’t feel he was very excited to be with me. We went for a meal afterwards. Then he left. He messaged me as soon as he arrived home. The next day, we chatted in the morning. However, that afternoon I stupidly decided to see some pictures of him, so I accessed his wall on Facebook. I saw that the Italian girl and him are still in touch. She posted something about some places in Scotland (he is Scottish) and they were commenting about how they should try visiting those places. I looked even more and saw how she liked several of his pics and publications. This just got me.


Later that night, he kept messaging me. I wouldn’t answer. Until late that night, when I couldn’t take it anymore (and after a few wine glasses, as to top it up, I have a drinking problem). I told him that I knew he didn’t like me, that he is still in touch with the other girl, etc. He just said “If this is a goodbye, well I wish you the best”. Just like that. I was shocked. We continued arguing. He told me he wasn’t seeing her anymore, that he did like me, etc. He also told me that I also recently had a relationship too. It is true, but it wasn’t as recent as his relationship and we don’t really keep in touch these days.
After this, I don’t know if I am wrong, if I am right. I feel that I might have pushed him away. I am very confused. Thank you for reading.

 

[Sci-Fi]

tl;dr

You might want to edit your post and break it up a bit, right now it looks like a giant wall of text and really difficult to read through easily.

I did read parts of your post, the opening and closing a bit in between, and I've seen your other thread. It might be you, but I don't mean that in a mean way because it wouldn't be all you, it takes TWO people to make a relationship work. Best thing to do would be to talk to someone who knows you best, someone who will be honest with you and tell you what the issue might be. If you speak to any of the guys you were with in the past, ask them what went wrong with the two of you. You'd really have to be prepared for that though, you never know what people will say.

We could sit here and hypothesize several things and ask you more in-depth questions and still never get anywhere. If you can be honest with yourself and really sit down and analyze your past relationships you might figure out what went wrong. Could be you pushed too hard for a commitment or maybe you are the opposite and when the guy started pushing for more it scared you off or scared them off. Commitment always seems to be peoples biggest issues, one is ready, one is not, then the other leaves and the person realizes maybe they were ready, etc.

 

[TheRealCallie]

It sounds to me like you let your paranoia get the best of you. I think you might be putting what happened in the past into what is happening now.

You likely did push him away. If he said he's not seeing her anymore, you should take him at his word for now because he hasn't given you any reason to think he might be lying. Granted, yes, he could be, but you can't know that yet. He took 3 trains to meet you and then messaged you when he got home, so it sounds like he does like you.

It might not be too late. Talk to him, explain you fears and give him a chance to explain. Finding love and meeting guys are not without risk, but if you never take those risks, you won't have any chance at finding someone.

 

[lmph8885]

Update: I did not push him away. He said that he is still in love with that beautiful Italian woman and that he did not feel excited during sex with me because I am not attractive. All said.

 

[Mr. M]

Update: I did not push him away. He said that he is still in love with that beautiful Italian woman and that he did not feel excited during sex with me because I am not attractive. All said.

Aww..don't get your hopes down! Maybe you could even message that Italian woman as well, tell her that he came to see you and..pardon me...not only!

 

[Sometimes]

This might not directly address what you've written about, but to me it is important. You can't make something happen which is not under your control alone. You can influence it, but not make it happen. The good thing is that it means that if it doesn't work it also isn't your "fault" alone.

Also, It's been my experience that the best relationships that last for a while have a certain comfort and trust that just seems to fall into place. I can only speak for myself, but I couldn't exist within a relationship in which I had reason, whether reasonable or not, to question the other person. It would make me feel bad, and that's not what a relationship is for, to me.

 

[xaero]

Finding love when you're desperate is a recipe for disaster. In order to have a family, there must be love. If you're just desperate to find someone, anyone, you'll likely end up settling for second best and you'll regret it. Love is something that should come about spontaneously. The harder you look for it, the harder it will be to find.

 

[lmph8885]

I am new here, can somebody please tell me how to upload a pic? Honestly, I don't think I am ugly, but people, especially men, say I am

 

[xaero]

Beauty is subjective. Besides, you shouldn't be seeking validation from others. It's not healthy.

 

[lmph8885]

whatever...



that is me.... be honest, i don't think I am so ugly..

 

[xaero]

I don't think you're ugly. I'm glad you don't either. Don't let people's opinions bother you.

 

[lmph8885]

I don't think you're ugly. I'm glad you don't either. Don't let people's opinions bother you.

Then why nobody likes me??

 

[Sometimes]

Gee, I wouldn't mind looking that good!

Nobody likes you, as in, NOBODY? Or, do you mean you don't have a partner?

 

[Mr. M]

You look fine, I don't see why you would have a problem finding someone! Perhaps you're looking at the wrong places or maybe your expectations are too high. *shrugs*

 

[58 Voyager]

I don't think you're ugly. I'm glad you don't either. Don't let people's opinions bother you.

Then why nobody likes me??

I have my picture up at the end of my "Thank you parents and bullies...." post.....I have to say, I don't look half bad.....at 57, many ladies have told me I am handsome.

I don't and can't believe it.

You see, from pretty much the moment I was born, my biological mother whom I wrote a bit about in other threads, had told me over and over again, that I was ugly, and when I was born, she was looking at the other babies in the nursery ward with envy, wishing I was one of the prettier babies.

Her own bitterness and anger towards life, her own personal demons of having been repeatedly molested by her alcoholic father after the death of her mother when she was 2, had pretty much sealed her fate
to become the proverbial a$$hole mother of the century.

For the remainder of my association with her, she told me how ugly I was, every chance she had. I had somehow singlehandedly ruined her life, and she was going to make sure my life would also be destroyed.

And she succeeded.

I believed I was ugly, and age 18 - 24, would be surprised when attractive women would talk to me. But the ugliness wasn't outside, it was inside. Turns out I was handsome during those years, and after. But by hearing I was ugly during my childhood and adolescence, I became ugly inside, and guess what?

No one liked me!


What my mother had done was to create a dark ugly soul inside a handsome shell.

It took not having her in my life for a decade for my ugly insides to disappear.

You, you are seriously beautiful on the outside, based on the picture you posted. I don't know you, and have not read all your posts, but could it be that perhaps, someone in your past also took a beautiful woman and corrupted her on the inside, the way my mother ruined my life?

After my marriage ended 8 years ado, I have had many ladies pull me out of the abyss, supportive and encouraging, reinforcing the good in me. For that I am grateful to them. They listened and understood and believed in the good that was in me. Sadly, my own Borderline Personality Disorder pushed some away as well. The right girl at the wrong time in my life.

Today, when I walk down the street, people look at me and smile and say hello, something that no one did 10 years ago. The inner ugliness is all but gone. At work, I am liked more than 10 years ago.

You need to be with someone who believes in you and most importantly, has the patience to be with you as you transition on your journey from the inner ugly planted in you a long time ago, to where your inner beauty matches your outer beauty.

Always here to help...

(((hugs)))

 

[Despicable Me]

I don't think you're ugly. I'm glad you don't either. Don't let people's opinions bother you.

Then why nobody likes me??

Despite this concept that everyone gets praised in life for looking good, it is not reality. Your appearance can somewhat advantage or disadvantage you, but people mostly just need the personality for a real relationship. Relationships based on looks are obviously going to be very shallow.
It's actually often those people's charisma and their charm that gets so many people to like them, which their 'good looks' may have helped to develop. It's the same reason why you'll see many "ugly" actors and actresses as well as the 'good looking' ones and why they still have plenty of fans, and why just as many of them are married as the 'good looking' ones.

And to add, if that is really your pic then you're actually very pretty, though a smile wouldn't hurt. If some dude broke up with you and told you that you're "not attractive" then he's got major issues. You are so much better off without someone like that in your life.

As 58 Voyager explained, just let the inside reflect the outside. That is what you need. You're so convinced you're ugly that you actually believe it even when it's not really true.
Not that you have a horrible personality or anything, but people can pick up on things like self-esteem and emotional issues rather quickly and I think that is a turn-off for most people.

 

[lmph8885]

I don't think you're ugly. I'm glad you don't either. Don't let people's opinions bother you.

Then why nobody likes me??

I have my picture up at the end of my "Thank you parents and bullies...." post.....I have to say, I don't look half bad.....at 57, many ladies have told me I am handsome.

I don't and can't believe it.

You see, from pretty much the moment I was born, my biological mother whom I wrote a bit about in other threads, had told me over and over again, that I was ugly, and when I was born, she was looking at the other babies in the nursery ward with envy, wishing I was one of the prettier babies.

Her own bitterness and anger towards life, her own personal demons of having been repeatedly molested by her alcoholic father after the death of her mother when she was 2, had pretty much sealed her fate
to become the proverbial a$$hole mother of the century.

For the remainder of my association with her, she told me how ugly I was, every chance she had. I had somehow singlehandedly ruined her life, and she was going to make sure my life would also be destroyed.

And she succeeded.

I believed I was ugly, and age 18 - 24, would be surprised when attractive women would talk to me. But the ugliness wasn't outside, it was inside. Turns out I was handsome during those years, and after. But by hearing I was ugly during my childhood and adolescence, I became ugly inside, and guess what?

No one liked me!


What my mother had done was to create a dark ugly soul inside a handsome shell.

It took not having her in my life for a decade for my ugly insides to disappear.

You, you are seriously beautiful on the outside, based on the picture you posted. I don't know you, and have not read all your posts, but could it be that perhaps, someone in your past also took a beautiful woman and corrupted her on the inside, the way my mother ruined my life?

After my marriage ended 8 years ado, I have had many ladies pull me out of the abyss, supportive and encouraging, reinforcing the good in me. For that I am grateful to them. They listened and understood and believed in the good that was in me. Sadly, my own Borderline Personality Disorder pushed some away as well. The right girl at the wrong time in my life.

Today, when I walk down the street, people look at me and smile and say hello, something that no one did 10 years ago. The inner ugliness is all but gone. At work, I am liked more than 10 years ago.

You need to be with someone who believes in you and most importantly, has the patience to be with you as you transition on your journey from the inner ugly planted in you a long time ago, to where your inner beauty matches your outer beauty.

Always here to help...

(((hugs)))

Thank you very much for your answer. I have read some of your previous posts so I do have an idea of how your life has been.

Now that you mention the thing about your mother, my parents did something similar with me. Since I can remember, I have been bullied for being ugly and my parents reinforced that idea in my head by saying I was ugly indeed but they still loved me. It was nice of them telling me they loved me, but I don't think reinforcing that negative thought of being ugly was constructive for my self image.

I have heard the "you are ugly" comment in my home and out, for 29 years now, that is, all my life. Nowadays it doesn't happen so often (every once in a while I do get asked if I am a tranny, due to my height and unfeminine or manly face features). Recently, more than receiving hurtful words I receive negative experiences from people (a lot of rejection).

Sometimes I wish I could have no feelings at all, no needs of love, maybe like that I could finally get some peace of mind. I don't know if there is a way I could get rid of that stupid need that makes me miserable.

I would lie if I say no man has ever liked me, but the ones that I like don't. At least, when I am with someone I like many times they would prefer to be with another woman. This guy I am talking about in this post, was looking to meet girls because, due to his personal circumstances, he couldn't be with the other woman. I have seen some men I do like and in some cases my mental issues and insecurities push them away and they end up being with another and better woman.

---

I don't think you're ugly. I'm glad you don't either. Don't let people's opinions bother you.

Then why nobody likes me??

I have my picture up at the end of my "Thank you parents and bullies...." post.....I have to say, I don't look half bad.....at 57, many ladies have told me I am handsome.

I don't and can't believe it.

You see, from pretty much the moment I was born, my biological mother whom I wrote a bit about in other threads, had told me over and over again, that I was ugly, and when I was born, she was looking at the other babies in the nursery ward with envy, wishing I was one of the prettier babies.

Her own bitterness and anger towards life, her own personal demons of having been repeatedly molested by her alcoholic father after the death of her mother when she was 2, had pretty much sealed her fate
to become the proverbial a$$hole mother of the century.

For the remainder of my association with her, she told me how ugly I was, every chance she had. I had somehow singlehandedly ruined her life, and she was going to make sure my life would also be destroyed.

And she succeeded.

I believed I was ugly, and age 18 - 24, would be surprised when attractive women would talk to me. But the ugliness wasn't outside, it was inside. Turns out I was handsome during those years, and after. But by hearing I was ugly during my childhood and adolescence, I became ugly inside, and guess what?

No one liked me!


What my mother had done was to create a dark ugly soul inside a handsome shell.

It took not having her in my life for a decade for my ugly insides to disappear.

You, you are seriously beautiful on the outside, based on the picture you posted. I don't know you, and have not read all your posts, but could it be that perhaps, someone in your past also took a beautiful woman and corrupted her on the inside, the way my mother ruined my life?

After my marriage ended 8 years ado, I have had many ladies pull me out of the abyss, supportive and encouraging, reinforcing the good in me. For that I am grateful to them. They listened and understood and believed in the good that was in me. Sadly, my own Borderline Personality Disorder pushed some away as well. The right girl at the wrong time in my life.

Today, when I walk down the street, people look at me and smile and say hello, something that no one did 10 years ago. The inner ugliness is all but gone. At work, I am liked more than 10 years ago.

You need to be with someone who believes in you and most importantly, has the patience to be with you as you transition on your journey from the inner ugly planted in you a long time ago, to where your inner beauty matches your outer beauty.

Always here to help...

(((hugs)))

Thank you very much for your answer. I have read some of your previous posts so I do have an idea of how your life has been.

Now that you mention the thing about your mother, my parents did something similar with me. Since I can remember, I have been bullied for being ugly and my parents reinforced that idea in my head by saying I was ugly indeed but they still loved me. It was nice of them telling me they loved me, but I don't think reinforcing that negative thought of being ugly was constructive for my self image.

I have heard the "you are ugly" comment in my home and out, for 29 years now, that is, all my life. Nowadays it doesn't happen so often (every once in a while I do get asked if I am a tranny, due to my height and unfeminine or manly face features). Recently, more than receiving hurtful words I receive negative experiences from people (a lot of rejection).

Sometimes I wish I could have no feelings at all, no needs of love, maybe like that I could finally get some peace of mind. I don't know if there is a way I could get rid of that stupid need that makes me miserable.

I would lie if I say no man has ever liked me, but the ones that I like don't. At least, when I am with someone I like many times they would prefer to be with another woman. This guy I am talking about in this post, was looking to meet girls because, due to his personal circumstances, he couldn't be with the other woman. I have seen some men I do like and in some cases my mental issues and insecurities push them away and they end up being with another and better woman.

That is what I can say in general about my situation.

 

[ladyforsaken]

All I want to say is that you're not ugly, lmph8885.

 

[lmph8885]

I don't think you're ugly. I'm glad you don't either. Don't let people's opinions bother you.

Then why nobody likes me??

Despite this concept that everyone gets praised in life for looking good, it is not reality. Your appearance can somewhat advantage or disadvantage you, but people mostly just need the personality for a real relationship. Relationships based on looks are obviously going to be very shallow.
It's actually often those people's charisma and their charm that gets so many people to like them, which their 'good looks' may have helped to develop. It's the same reason why you'll see many "ugly" actors and actresses as well as the 'good looking' ones and why they still have plenty of fans, and why just as many of them are married as the 'good looking' ones.

And to add, if that is really your pic then you're actually very pretty, though a smile wouldn't hurt. If some dude broke up with you and told you that you're "not attractive" then he's got major issues. You are so much better off without someone like that in your life.

As 58 Voyager explained, just let the inside reflect the outside. That is what you need. You're so convinced you're ugly that you actually believe it even when it's not really true.
Not that you have a horrible personality or anything, but people can pick up on things like self-esteem and emotional issues rather quickly and I think that is a turn-off for most people.

Thank you for your reply. Regarding the advise of adding a smile to my face, lately it is really hard for me to smile. If I do it for pics it looks very fake (because it is fake).

I have emotional issues. It is very hard to get rid of them. I have been to counselling in the past. It has worked, but very little. It makes me sad how people run away from my life when many times I can't really help having my issues. They treat me as if I am crazy or I was freak.

Sometimes I feel that men only love and cherish certain women and they look for women like me to have fun and just spend some time until they find a beautiful worthy woman.

 

[I||u5i0n]

I hadn't intended to reply to this, but I saw your pic and I wanted to say: You're a beautiful woman.

From what I've gleaned from your posts though I do have a few suggestions.

"Clean your own house first". You said that you know that you have a drinking problem. If you really have a drinking problem, you need to fix that first and there's a very simple reason why: The person you are as an alcoholic is not the same person that you are as a sober person. If you hook up with someone that's ok with you being an alcoholic, you will never have a reason to fix that problem. If you DO fix that problem, you'll be a different person and whoever you meet will likely no longer be compatible with you.

It sounds to me like you have some confidence issues, which is not entirely unexpected...most people that I know (men and women, both) have self-esteem issues. (Honestly, understanding that helped me get past some of my own issues - just realize that other people are just as weirded out about their self-esteem as yourself, they're just better at ignoring it and not letting on.)

I used to have quite a few emotional problems myself - anxiety, depression, you know, the usual. I was able to work through my issues the same way that I clean a really messy house: Start with what you CAN do. Fix the things that are fixable, and then re-evaluate your situation. Obviously YMMV, but it sounds to me like you've got a lot more hope than you think.

As far as having a family goes - while you're an alcoholic? That's probably not the best idea. Other people (including your kids) will not be able to fix your problems. At best they'll be postponed for 20 years...my wife is dealing with that now.