I want to die

[Silvernight]

This is not a suicide note for the record. But I really do want to die. I would be so so grateful if something/someone killed me right now. Coup de grace, know what I mean. I'd be singing praises to that person. The only thing I have to look forward to is a lifetime of misery and getting balder every day. All I have to hope for is that remaining lifetime would be really short. This is so disgusting. I feel trapped, no escape. I hardly have any optimism left. Every day is so much harder to pretend that I'm perfectly fine and happy, mind you I've been doing a pretty good job of it so far, in public anyway. I'd scare off everyone who's friendly to me if I gave any indication about how I feel. No one has a slightest idea, except my mother, and she's sick and tired of my complaining. It's pathetic, but I can't help it you see, when I'm literally about to climb walls. For how much longer is this gonna last? A few months? Another year? There is a psychological limit to everything and I'm reaching it. And I'm scared. The only thing I want is to curl up in dark place and die in sleep. But such miracles don't happen. Tell me it will be ok, please? I don't care how pathetic that sounds, I need this literally like a junkie. So I could pull through another day somehow.

 

[loketron]

silvernight, its going to be ok.
though its good talking about this, theres gotta be someone in your life you can talk to about these feelings of depression?
dont ever. ever! think you cant go on in this world! you are dealt the hand your dealt and even though things are bad, just know someone out there in the world is worse off that you are, ive found that not being comforting but a good realisation to fall back on, and snap me out of it when im in a funk. also, being sad about life is not the way to live, its ok to be sad, but dont let it consume you!

life isnt as bad as it seems silvernight

 

[Punisher]

I don't know what to say, so...

 

[Silvernight]

There isn't, I'm afraid. I've already pissed my mother off, and I haven't been telling her anything from what I wrote here, it's taboo, and there isn't anyone else. It's real life, not the fiction that I love so much.
Course, there are people who are just as miserable for other reasons, or worse, but the thought of this only makes me feel shittier and guilty like hell because I've never been strong enough to get a grip. I care for my self-image too much and for a girl or woman hair is vital for self-esteem. I avoid bright lighting where I can, I avoid mirrors, I avoid wind, rain and even sun makes me too anxious now. I have developed a strong preference for the dark, unfortunately, daytime is still daytime, nowhere to hide.

---

Thanks Punisher, that's very cute.

 

[It was Mine]

Hey

I don't know if my advice will help any but never hurts to try.

In my experience, a lot of men loose their hair early. Some rock it and others hate it. Hair is a problem in the reverse for me, my body can't seem to get enough of the stuff. And i know it's hard, it is for me too. It seems like girls just want that ken doll figure where everything's perfect and don't care about anything else. On the flip side we can be the same way at times. All you can do is live for you and no one else. I have a saying I like to go by "You are Everything, They are Nothing" I think of it everyday and try to do for me, and no one else. Of course I'm not talking of loved but i'm sure you know what I mean.

What takes you away, some hobbies? do you already work out? tried playing an instrument, join an outside club like boxing or maybe some other sport. is music a passion? There's so much out there to discover. I live alone and no i don't have a girlfriend or anything. But never give up, ever! you know what that's what they want you to do "they being your demons that haunt you" the same ones haunt me and many others. Why let it win? Were all better than that, and do whatever it takes to convince yourself of that. Get mad, Get revenge and take your life back because you, you are everything! and never forget that, ever.

 

[Silvernight]

Hey

I don't know if my advice will help any but never hurts to try.

In my experience, a lot of men loose their hair early. Some rock it and others hate it. Hair is a problem in the reverse for me, my body can't seem to get enough of the stuff. And i know it's hard, it is for me too. It seems like girls just want that ken doll figure where everything's perfect and don't care about anything else. On the flip side we can be the same way at times. All you can do is live for you and no one else. I have a saying I like to go by "You are Everything, They are Nothing" I think of it everyday and try to do for me, and no one else. Of course I'm not talking of loved but i'm sure you know what I mean.

What takes you away, some hobbies? do you already work out? tried playing an instrument, join an outside club like boxing or maybe some other sport. is music a passion? There's so much out there to discover. I live alone and no i don't have a girlfriend or anything. But never give up, ever! you know what that's what they want you to do "they being your demons that haunt you" the same ones haunt me and many others. Why let it win? Were all better than that, and do whatever it takes to convince yourself of that. Get mad, Get revenge and take your life back because you, you are everything! and never forget that, ever.

Hi It was Mine, the problem is that I'm a girl. Girls may not mind that a guy is losing hair or even bald, and some even look better this way, but when a girl is in the same situation, do I even need to comment on it further? It's just repulsive. Yes, I do have hobbies, and sometimes they take my mind off it a little, but it always returns, with new intensity, because nothing seems to be able to stop it. And I just don't want to exist like that, it's torture. I'm not a man, I'm not supposed to be like this. I feel like a freak, less than a woman, which I am, and it hardly matters that it's not my fault.

 

[Luna]

Hi Silvernight,

I am 20 years old, and already my hair is thinning out. I had thin hair to begin with, and over time it has become worse. Baldness does not run in my family, so I am hoping that it is only temporary. Perhaps it is depression that is causing it...but as my hair becomes thinner, the more and more depressed I feel.
I have a lot of scalp show...if I were to run my fingers through my hair upward, you could see my scalp...like thin patches throughout.
I feel so much envy - and sadness for myself - when I see other girls with their thick healthy, beautiful hair.
When I do my hair in the mornings, I spend much of my time hiding the "bald spots".

It is more socially acceptable for a man to be bald than a woman. As much as people deny it, so much emphasis is put onto women having beautiful hair when it comes to attractiveness. I can relate to your feelings...about feeling like less of a woman.


My hair is similar...though not to this extent, like this:

***Not my pic***

Already I have self-esteem issues, and hair is just another blow. I know how it hurts.

I am hoping that it can be changed...I have a co-worker who used to have the same problem, but she now has beautiful, thick locks.
She had been seeing a dermatologist for a few years.

Have you talked to your doctor about this? Sometimes it is diet, stress etc. For myself, I haven't quite pin-pointed it just yet.
The family doctor I see, is referring me to see a dermatologist soon.
Perhaps you should see if there is something they can do for you if you haven't already.

Please just hang in there...

 

[evanescencefan91]

I feel the same way silvernight

i know i couldn't off myself personally

because of family and cowardance

but somdays i just wish a meteorite would just f*cking land on my head you know instant sudden death just from out of nowwhere no anticipation no feelings of fear it's the end

just one second your here then your not

life is pain

but sometimes it is pleasant there are silver linnnings you ussaly have to make them or look to see them

my advice I donno take up a dangerous hobby like skydiving or motocross,

if you're lucky you'll have a tragic accident, or maybe you won't and you can enjoy and a new and exciting hobby and maybe make some friends

hmm i don't know if others would condone that as acceptable advice oh well

things happen good and bad

good luck

*hugs*

 

[leftykmonahan]

Do you know WHY your hair is thinning? It might be treatable! Androgenic hairless is quite treatable in females.

 

[Silvernight]

(((((((((((Luna)))))))))))) I'm so sorry to hear you're going through the same. I can sooo understand you. You absolutely must try to establish the cause while it's not too late and treat it accordingly. My thinning started when I was 19 (26 now). It's hard to determine the exact cause. I thought mine might be androgenic, but then the pattern extends way beyond the areas normally reserved for androgenic hair loss. I also have Hashimoto's thyroiditis, but it's hard to believe that such an extensive hair loss can be caused solely by that, although it may be a factor. Dermatologists here are an absolute waste of time. I have a recurring dermatitis in the eyebrows, which, if you didn't guess already, makes me lose my eyebrows too, and they can't even help with that.
Over a month ago, I received a response from the Centre for Biotic Medicine in Moscow (they conduct tests on the sent hair samples), and there was no mention of any kind of alopecia in it. There was an evaluation of 25 main chemical elements in the hair. It said I have a very high selenium deficiency, a bit lower zinc deficiency (mind you these two elements are the ones most frequently associated with hair loss) and an extreme excess of manganese, iodine and potassium. Almost all of the other elements were more or less in the normal range but on the declining side. A total mess, in other words. I'm currently taking the appropriate biological supplements, and I understand it's not an overnight process, but every time I see what my scalp looks like in the brighter lighting, I freak out like this. I want to believe it will help, but I always had a difficulty with assuming an optimistic mindset. And yeah, I too spend an unbelievable amount of time trying to hide the bald patches. Not that all of them can be hidden any longer, but it has long since become a kind of obsessive compulsive behaviour.

---

I feel the same way silvernight

i know i couldn't off myself personally

because of family and cowardance

but somdays i just wish a meteorite would just f*cking land on my head you know instant sudden death just from out of nowwhere no anticipation no feelings of fear it's the end

just one second your here then your not

life is pain

but sometimes it is pleasant there are silver linnnings you ussaly have to make them or look to see them

my advice I donno take up a dangerous hobby like skydiving or motocross,

if you're lucky you'll have a tragic accident, or maybe you won't and you can enjoy and a new and exciting hobby and maybe make some friends

hmm i don't know if others would condone that as acceptable advice oh well

things happen good and bad

good luck

*hugs*

Hey, neither could I: a) because of my family; b) unfortunately, I have a **** good guess that committing suicide would result in some terribly unpleasant consequences afterwards (I am not a believer in "we live just once" bollocks). That's why I referred to this life as a trap.

Skydiving would be awesome, don't think we have such activities here in my city though, and I imagine they'd be rather costly. I already spent ridiculously a lot of money on hair treatment.

But... thank you for your support and not being judgmental, I really appreciate that very much *hugs evanescencefan*

 

[samba101]

I'm sorry that your losing your hair but I know what it feels like to want to die, I've been feeling like that for over 18 years and it's starting to get a bit worse at the moment, I'm starting to worry about my future and just want to curl up and die so I can go to sleep in peace.

I don't have issues like yours but have different ones and I know how hard it can be just to get out of bed and deal with the world day by day. My life has been nothing but stress for the past 3 years and I'm fed up with it, slowly it's getting better but god when does it stop.

My ex partner of 10 years had baldness and wore a tupee which was quite modern you couldn't even tell he had one aside from when the dye had come out and you could see different tones of colour in his hair, he refused to have people touch his head piece or even ride on rides at the fun parks for fear that his tupee would come off. I never heard him get down about being bald but know before I met him that he tried all of the hair products to help him grow hair to no avail, unfortuantely baldness runs on his mothers side and he was unlucky to get it. But to get a tupee costs money and you need to get it maintained and have hair cuts specifically by hairdressers who know what they're doing. I know one hair piece cost $2500 and I think the hair maintenance was about $100 for a cut and then there were the shampoos specifically designed for the hair piece it's not cheap plus you had conditioner, and hair gel.

Unfortuantely I have the opposite of you I have a hairy body, so does my sister and mum. It drives me beyond despair and I keep thinking how unfair it is, I don't really want a boyfriend because of this it's been eating at me. Although I have had a boyfriend but never used to think about it back then, yes I can wax but that doesn't last long and I can shave but it still doesn't solve the problem of unwanted hair that comes back after time. Why can't I be hairless like all the girls I see, they don't know how lucky they have it.

 

[Silvernight]

Do you know WHY your hair is thinning? It might be treatable! Androgenic hairless is quite treatable in females.

I thought for some time that it was androgenic but I'm no longer sure. Actually, there is no really good treament for androgenic hair loss. In the US, you have a standard over-the counter treatment for that (minoxidil), and in other cases different hormonal medications can be prescribed, all of which can have some very unpleasant side effects, and neither of which is guaranteed to help you. From what I have read, minoxidil can have *some* positive effect for about 30% of females, moderate to minor, you need to use it for life, has side effects, is terribly greasy, and you have to apply it twice a day. All in all, I dare say it's hardly a viable treatment option. But in my country they don't even sell any of that. As a problem, female hair loss is by and large ignored.

---

I'm sorry that your losing your hair but I know what it feels like to want to die, I've been feeling like that for over 18 years and it's starting to get a bit worse at the moment, I'm starting to worry about my future and just want to curl up and die so I can go to sleep in peace.

I don't have issues like yours but have different ones and I know how hard it can be just to get out of bed and deal with the world day by day. My life has been nothing but stress for the past 3 years and I'm fed up with it, slowly it's getting better but god when does it stop.

My ex partner of 10 years had baldness and wore a tupee which was quite modern you couldn't even tell he had one aside from when the dye had come out and you could see different tones of colour in his hair, he refused to have people touch his head piece or even ride on rides at the fun parks for fear that his tupee would come off. I never heard him get down about being bald but know before I met him that he tried all of the hair products to help him grow hair to no avail, unfortuantely baldness runs on his mothers side and he was unlucky to get it. But to get a tupee costs money and you need to get it maintained and have hair cuts specifically by hairdressers who know what they're doing. I know one hair piece cost $2500 and I think the hair maintenance was about $100 for a cut and then there were the shampoos specifically designed for the hair piece it's not cheap plus you had conditioner, and hair gel.

Unfortuantely I have the opposite of you I have a hairy body, so does my sister and mum. It drives me beyond despair and I keep thinking how unfair it is, I don't really want a boyfriend because of this it's been eating at me. Although I have had a boyfriend but never used to think about it back then, yes I can wax but that doesn't last long and I can shave but it still doesn't solve the problem of unwanted hair that comes back after time. Why can't I be hairless like all the girls I see, they don't know how lucky they have it.

Samba... it's even a bit funny now that you mention it...I also have a hairy body, that is, it's very hairy exactly where it doesn't need to be hairy. It's really a bit irksome but I just shave it regularly and don't give it much thought. Trust me, it's not that bad compared with what could be. You just need to give it a few minutes of your time to remove it regularly, problem solved. Don't worry about it so much.

One thing I really don't want to hear about are wigs and toupees, it's just so demeaning. A girl wearing a toupee, seriously, ugh.

 

[PoWer2tHePeOpLE]

i can relate to the whole business of 'not wanting to live' too, i think the buddhist talk about the desire for 'non existence', so i think it is quite normal and understandable. my brother recently said to me that if he could erase all evidence of his existence ie. not ever having existed at all, he would.. so would i. suicide is a shitbag because you leave someone behind to have to deal with the consequences of you having ended your life, but to have the option to simply erase your entire existence in one foul swoop... yup, bring it on!

but honeysuckle.. unless i meet that genie that can grant that wish i guess i just gotta keep movin'.. movin'.. movin'... bollocks.

as for the hair loss.. you have my utmost sympathy... that is an utter, utter ******* that is. seeking medical advice seems like the best option. the only other thing i can think of is maybe getting a buzzcut? i think girls with a bald head are sexy. but yeah, its pretty rare for a woman to voluntarily shave her head.. shame

 

[samba101]

Silvernight I didn't mean to offend you but mentioning tupees or wigs. I wasn't suggesting that just relaying that my ex had baldness problems.

I have yet to get over having a hairy body, I'm still in the moaning stage.

 

[Silvernight]

Silvernight I didn't mean to offend you but mentioning tupees or wigs. I wasn't suggesting that just relaying that my ex had baldness problems.

I have yet to get over having a hairy body, I'm still in the moaning stage.

No, it's ok, I know you didn't mean to, I'm just always put off by even thinking about them.

 

[Silvernight]

Here I was going to meet up with a Chinese guy, with whom I exchanged sms in Chinese over the last few days. But when it comes to it, I just can't. I'm too ashamed and afraid he'll notice. And he will notice. I don't think I have any chance to ever be liked by anyone. I've never really been an attraction magnet for men although, thinking objectively, I think I am (was - when I still had all my hair) rather cute, and with more than half my hair gone it's not likely anyone would be attracted to me at all. I just feel miserable and don't know what to do.

 

[Lawrens]

Maybe he will, maybe he won't care. I'm not sure who the person is so I'm not really giving advice whether to meet him or not, but I don't think hair loss is really something as disturbing as you made it out to be, just wear a hat if it's something that bothers you that much, and if you don't want him to feel awkward on first sight. Just say you have hair loss problem, and I don't think it's something that makes a person less like him/her without it even interms of outlook, I know I don't stare at a person's hair all day when I speak to them.

Everything will be better if you're able to overcome that problem if communication with other people are important to you at the moment. You said you're rather cute so I suppose it's better than someone who has more outlook problems than just hair.

Not sure how to properly word my response but I hope you feel better about yourself and focus on the better quality and not just 1 thing, I'm sure other people can too.