Miriam1966
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- Oct 7, 2018
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Hi Friends,
I hope nobody tires of my whining. Posting here is helping me so I'm going to keep doing it, no matter how trivial it may seem. My life is kind of spinning out of control from his constant anger, insults and silence of late. And just last week I was so happy and in love again.
I'm in rough shape today. He basically offered me two sentences in the way of human contact from Tuesday night to yesterday afternoon. He called me from his cell phone (from upstairs) and told me his item was ready for pickup. He'd recently brought something in to get fixed and the guy said it would be $50 cash. He was very patient and sweet on the phone when asking me to help him.
Anyway, since my bf doesn't drive that would entail me driving him an hour to get his thing. Plus it was now $70 and he was missing $5 which he asked me to give him. I told him I had no cash or gas money until I get paid. He said rather angrily at that point that he relied on me for everything, as though I was trying to control him or something. I didn't put a gun to his head to live with me, he spent his credit card on hobbies, he could have used that money to pay for driving lessons. He can get a job but refuses to, he'd rather collect welfare. I even said I'd DRIVE him back and forth to his job but he refuses, saying he will never work another day in his life. (He's 30 years old). He has a chip on his shoulder about me being the major breadwinner and being the only driver here...I'm always so generous with him and I try not to make him feel inferior ever, always asking his opinion and asking for his input on expenses and things like that. Anytime he needs a lift somewhere I happily comply.
Anyway, I asked him if we could talk about going to pick up his item when I got paid, he muttered something. Then he hung up on me. That made me cry. Not only him hanging up on me, but him only being nice to me to get something he wanted.
So all night there was silence, when he finally asked me "what the hell" was wrong with me. I said I was reacting to his distance and that he hung up on me. He denied both and ignored me again, accusing me of "being that way" for the last month. This was surprising, I'm always the peace keeper and the one who is nurturing. He always tries to make me believe things that aren't true, that everything is always MY fault.
When he came to bed, I just cuddled up to him as I normally do, he twitched and angrily asked me "WHAT?". I said "I'm trying to make an effort, can't you?" He said "what, you're making an effort to be annoying?". I just rolled over and cried quietly.
Of all the things he's done, all the things he's said, that rejection and those words hurt my heart so terribly. I'm really weak today and I can't stop crying. It's like someone keeps kicking me over and over, it feels like emotional torture.
I know I have to make a decision, but I can't tell you how excruciating it is...the anxiety and the fear. I know logically I will be better off without him, but I can't find a way to make that decision and stick with it. Deep down I'm hoping he finally discards me and breaks up with me so I don't have to be the one to do it.
I went through my budget and if I really cut out this and that, I can ask him to leave before December comes. The biggest problem is he told me in the past he WON'T leave. I don't have enough money to leave myself. And all those who read my posts before, know that I refuse to leave my pets with him because of his history of aggression and neglect with them. My exit strategy is to leave in the spring, but during these abusive cycles, my will is so weak and I feel so low, that I don't know how I can handle much more.
Each day that passes, when I start to feel strong and confident, he shoots me down and I feel weak and alone again, unable to make a decision for myself that I know will improve my life.
I actually did get paid today and I drove over to the pharmacy to get something and I took out $5 for him. I put it on his desk and I plan to avoid him today as best I can while I try to distract myself, and empower myself. It shouldn't be this difficult and I just don't want to feel hurt anymore. Part of me is wondering "did I do something to cause all of this? Am I being mean to him somehow?" It really can drive you crazy, the doubt and the hurt feelings and being verbally and emotionally abused. I guess I'm just hoping this cycle ends soon so we can get back to the "honeymoon" phase and I won't be so upset anymore - at least until the next abusive cycle begins. I feel like such a loser.
Thanks for listening.
I hope nobody tires of my whining. Posting here is helping me so I'm going to keep doing it, no matter how trivial it may seem. My life is kind of spinning out of control from his constant anger, insults and silence of late. And just last week I was so happy and in love again.
I'm in rough shape today. He basically offered me two sentences in the way of human contact from Tuesday night to yesterday afternoon. He called me from his cell phone (from upstairs) and told me his item was ready for pickup. He'd recently brought something in to get fixed and the guy said it would be $50 cash. He was very patient and sweet on the phone when asking me to help him.
Anyway, since my bf doesn't drive that would entail me driving him an hour to get his thing. Plus it was now $70 and he was missing $5 which he asked me to give him. I told him I had no cash or gas money until I get paid. He said rather angrily at that point that he relied on me for everything, as though I was trying to control him or something. I didn't put a gun to his head to live with me, he spent his credit card on hobbies, he could have used that money to pay for driving lessons. He can get a job but refuses to, he'd rather collect welfare. I even said I'd DRIVE him back and forth to his job but he refuses, saying he will never work another day in his life. (He's 30 years old). He has a chip on his shoulder about me being the major breadwinner and being the only driver here...I'm always so generous with him and I try not to make him feel inferior ever, always asking his opinion and asking for his input on expenses and things like that. Anytime he needs a lift somewhere I happily comply.
Anyway, I asked him if we could talk about going to pick up his item when I got paid, he muttered something. Then he hung up on me. That made me cry. Not only him hanging up on me, but him only being nice to me to get something he wanted.
So all night there was silence, when he finally asked me "what the hell" was wrong with me. I said I was reacting to his distance and that he hung up on me. He denied both and ignored me again, accusing me of "being that way" for the last month. This was surprising, I'm always the peace keeper and the one who is nurturing. He always tries to make me believe things that aren't true, that everything is always MY fault.
When he came to bed, I just cuddled up to him as I normally do, he twitched and angrily asked me "WHAT?". I said "I'm trying to make an effort, can't you?" He said "what, you're making an effort to be annoying?". I just rolled over and cried quietly.
Of all the things he's done, all the things he's said, that rejection and those words hurt my heart so terribly. I'm really weak today and I can't stop crying. It's like someone keeps kicking me over and over, it feels like emotional torture.
I know I have to make a decision, but I can't tell you how excruciating it is...the anxiety and the fear. I know logically I will be better off without him, but I can't find a way to make that decision and stick with it. Deep down I'm hoping he finally discards me and breaks up with me so I don't have to be the one to do it.
I went through my budget and if I really cut out this and that, I can ask him to leave before December comes. The biggest problem is he told me in the past he WON'T leave. I don't have enough money to leave myself. And all those who read my posts before, know that I refuse to leave my pets with him because of his history of aggression and neglect with them. My exit strategy is to leave in the spring, but during these abusive cycles, my will is so weak and I feel so low, that I don't know how I can handle much more.
Each day that passes, when I start to feel strong and confident, he shoots me down and I feel weak and alone again, unable to make a decision for myself that I know will improve my life.
I actually did get paid today and I drove over to the pharmacy to get something and I took out $5 for him. I put it on his desk and I plan to avoid him today as best I can while I try to distract myself, and empower myself. It shouldn't be this difficult and I just don't want to feel hurt anymore. Part of me is wondering "did I do something to cause all of this? Am I being mean to him somehow?" It really can drive you crazy, the doubt and the hurt feelings and being verbally and emotionally abused. I guess I'm just hoping this cycle ends soon so we can get back to the "honeymoon" phase and I won't be so upset anymore - at least until the next abusive cycle begins. I feel like such a loser.
Thanks for listening.