el Jay
Well-known member
All my young life I was bullied. The worst of it was from 4th to 10th grade, with a little before and after (but it was nothing compared to 4-10). I've written about all that in my other topics. As a result, I feel I've been "disconnected" from the world. I still live here, obviously, but I'm no longer on the same level as others my age. I'm permanently stuck behind them, and it creates a disconnect that makes me feel like I have no place in the world, while everyone else does (at least that I usually see).
I've now found that I have immense problems approaching new people for the most part. Basically, I feel like I'm a burden to others. That other people have perfect lives and all the friends they want. So if I were to approach them to talk, or try to get along with them and be friends, I'd be rejected and they would be angry at me because I'd be ruining the stability and equilibrium of their life.
That feeling is not without merit. Throughout school, people would decline to be my friend because they were scared they'd get bullied for being my friend publicly. One even told me, flat out, that we could be friends, but we'd have to keep it a secret. Even sadder, at the time (and to an extent, even now, at 27) I could completely sympathize with that. I couldn't bring myself to hold it against them when I knew it was 100% true. Why would I be so selfish as to want a friend, knowing he would suffer so much for being my friend? In later years of school, things got (very) slightly better. I usually managed to have some group of casual acquaintances, but the problem I had is that I would tend to befriend one person in an established group, and then when I tried to enter the group, I'd destabilize it's equilibrium, cause rifts to form, and end up turning most people in the group against me as a result. The group always survived though, but were now very polarized against me, costing me some of the few friends I had managed to scrape up in the midst of my bullying issues.
So now, I constantly feel like a burden, and that I have no place in the world. That I have to fight and struggle to barely maintain a fleeting place, while other people are given a place as their birthright. Note that this isn't because I'm lazy and adverse to hard work, but because hard work has historically gotten me nothing but wasted time and energy (also talked about more in my other threads), while I constantly see it paying off for other people.
This feeling of being a burden is even worse when approaching a girl I would like to ask out. Here's a description of where that problem stems from:
So when it comes to women, it's a double-whammy: Not only would I feel like I'm being a burden for approaching her and talking to her (and possibly asking her out), I worry that she couldn't possibly want a relationship with ME. Why would she, or anyone, want that? That's a silly thing to expect anyone in the world to want. I also worry that if I ask them out too soon, they'll resent me for it because it'll seem that's all I'm interested in.
The worst part of all of this is that my fears, anxiety, and lack of self-confidence are so intense, no matter how often I try something and it succeeds, I never gain confidence. Because if it fails even once, out of a thousand successes, it throws me right back to square one in terms of despair and hopelessness. And the fear of such a failure also never goes away, keeping me from enjoying the successes.
I don't know of any way to rectify these feelings, except medication (which I mentioned in a topic in the misc. forum here). I tried therapy a couple of years ago, and while it was nice, I never got to trusting the therapist enough to actually mention any of these issues, really. But I don't even know how to find a therapist (mom found previous one for me), and my general social anxiety makes it too much of a chore to do.
Does anyone else feel like this? Does anyone go through the feeling of being a burden, or have trouble approaching people? Especially if you otherwise seem to other people to be fine and without issues, like I mentioned. As it is, I have absolutely no confidence when it comes to actually making friends and asking girls out. Even though it probably seems like I'm a very social person and not very shy in public (I can even give public presentations with a minimum of anxiety), when it comes to things I truly care about, like making lasting friendships or finding a partner, I'm just utterly impossibly shy and have zero confidence whatsoever.
EDIT: Sorry for such a long, rambling post. I have trouble trimming down things, because I hate possibly missing key details or giving people incomplete information. If anyone wants me to shorten it even further, please let me know and I'll do my best.
I've now found that I have immense problems approaching new people for the most part. Basically, I feel like I'm a burden to others. That other people have perfect lives and all the friends they want. So if I were to approach them to talk, or try to get along with them and be friends, I'd be rejected and they would be angry at me because I'd be ruining the stability and equilibrium of their life.
That feeling is not without merit. Throughout school, people would decline to be my friend because they were scared they'd get bullied for being my friend publicly. One even told me, flat out, that we could be friends, but we'd have to keep it a secret. Even sadder, at the time (and to an extent, even now, at 27) I could completely sympathize with that. I couldn't bring myself to hold it against them when I knew it was 100% true. Why would I be so selfish as to want a friend, knowing he would suffer so much for being my friend? In later years of school, things got (very) slightly better. I usually managed to have some group of casual acquaintances, but the problem I had is that I would tend to befriend one person in an established group, and then when I tried to enter the group, I'd destabilize it's equilibrium, cause rifts to form, and end up turning most people in the group against me as a result. The group always survived though, but were now very polarized against me, costing me some of the few friends I had managed to scrape up in the midst of my bullying issues.
So now, I constantly feel like a burden, and that I have no place in the world. That I have to fight and struggle to barely maintain a fleeting place, while other people are given a place as their birthright. Note that this isn't because I'm lazy and adverse to hard work, but because hard work has historically gotten me nothing but wasted time and energy (also talked about more in my other threads), while I constantly see it paying off for other people.
This feeling of being a burden is even worse when approaching a girl I would like to ask out. Here's a description of where that problem stems from:
To summarize, my last girlfriend of 3+ years was terribly emotionally abusive to me (not intentionally though). Aside from not wanting sex much and usually hating intimacy (and I enjoy sex and intimacy a lot), she never complimented me much. She never said I looked good, or was appreciative of things I did for her (rather, she never expressed that she was appreciative; I'm sure she actually was). But she expected these things constantly from me, or else she'd grow even more depressed. So when it finally ended (she dumped me because when she finally got on antidepressants and went to therapy, I reminded her too much of her past), I was left completely starved for affection, intimacy, and sex.
Even almost two (completely single the whole time) years later, I still feel that way and that I'm worse off than if I hadn't had anyone, because she also slowly had me cut myself off from knowing other women, afraid I'd leave her for someone I was more compatible with. It causes me a lot of discomfort seeing happy couples in public, because I want to be able to experience that so badly. Just to have someone who CARES about me by my side. But the problem is, my ex basically ruined my perception of myself as someone any girl would want, ever. So not only do I worry about the general "burden" thing I mentioned earlier when approaching someone to ask out, but I worry that there's no way they could possibly want to date me.
And this part is difficult to explain (more because it feels that embarrassing and wildly illogical that even when anonymous, I'm hesitant), but I seriously have panic attacks worrying that, even if I asked someone out and she said yes, she would never want to do anything intimate or sexual or even romantic with me. She'd happily go on dates with me, sure. But she'd never want to hug, or kiss, or make out, or have sex, or cuddle, or anything. And if I ever tried to go for any of those things, she'd just give me some sort of derisive look and be all "Why would I ever want to do THAT with you?" I basically can't see any girl ever wanting to actually be with me, even though I did have a girlfriend before my last one who actually did all of this stuff. (though we broke up as, oddly enough, we had nothing in common. It was still a great relationship)
So when it comes to women, it's a double-whammy: Not only would I feel like I'm being a burden for approaching her and talking to her (and possibly asking her out), I worry that she couldn't possibly want a relationship with ME. Why would she, or anyone, want that? That's a silly thing to expect anyone in the world to want. I also worry that if I ask them out too soon, they'll resent me for it because it'll seem that's all I'm interested in.
The worst part of all of this is that my fears, anxiety, and lack of self-confidence are so intense, no matter how often I try something and it succeeds, I never gain confidence. Because if it fails even once, out of a thousand successes, it throws me right back to square one in terms of despair and hopelessness. And the fear of such a failure also never goes away, keeping me from enjoying the successes.
I don't know of any way to rectify these feelings, except medication (which I mentioned in a topic in the misc. forum here). I tried therapy a couple of years ago, and while it was nice, I never got to trusting the therapist enough to actually mention any of these issues, really. But I don't even know how to find a therapist (mom found previous one for me), and my general social anxiety makes it too much of a chore to do.
Does anyone else feel like this? Does anyone go through the feeling of being a burden, or have trouble approaching people? Especially if you otherwise seem to other people to be fine and without issues, like I mentioned. As it is, I have absolutely no confidence when it comes to actually making friends and asking girls out. Even though it probably seems like I'm a very social person and not very shy in public (I can even give public presentations with a minimum of anxiety), when it comes to things I truly care about, like making lasting friendships or finding a partner, I'm just utterly impossibly shy and have zero confidence whatsoever.
EDIT: Sorry for such a long, rambling post. I have trouble trimming down things, because I hate possibly missing key details or giving people incomplete information. If anyone wants me to shorten it even further, please let me know and I'll do my best.