I'm lonely because I feel like a burden to people

[el Jay]

All my young life I was bullied. The worst of it was from 4th to 10th grade, with a little before and after (but it was nothing compared to 4-10). I've written about all that in my other topics. As a result, I feel I've been "disconnected" from the world. I still live here, obviously, but I'm no longer on the same level as others my age. I'm permanently stuck behind them, and it creates a disconnect that makes me feel like I have no place in the world, while everyone else does (at least that I usually see).

I've now found that I have immense problems approaching new people for the most part. Basically, I feel like I'm a burden to others. That other people have perfect lives and all the friends they want. So if I were to approach them to talk, or try to get along with them and be friends, I'd be rejected and they would be angry at me because I'd be ruining the stability and equilibrium of their life.

That feeling is not without merit. Throughout school, people would decline to be my friend because they were scared they'd get bullied for being my friend publicly. One even told me, flat out, that we could be friends, but we'd have to keep it a secret. Even sadder, at the time (and to an extent, even now, at 27) I could completely sympathize with that. I couldn't bring myself to hold it against them when I knew it was 100% true. Why would I be so selfish as to want a friend, knowing he would suffer so much for being my friend? In later years of school, things got (very) slightly better. I usually managed to have some group of casual acquaintances, but the problem I had is that I would tend to befriend one person in an established group, and then when I tried to enter the group, I'd destabilize it's equilibrium, cause rifts to form, and end up turning most people in the group against me as a result. The group always survived though, but were now very polarized against me, costing me some of the few friends I had managed to scrape up in the midst of my bullying issues.

So now, I constantly feel like a burden, and that I have no place in the world. That I have to fight and struggle to barely maintain a fleeting place, while other people are given a place as their birthright. Note that this isn't because I'm lazy and adverse to hard work, but because hard work has historically gotten me nothing but wasted time and energy (also talked about more in my other threads), while I constantly see it paying off for other people.

This feeling of being a burden is even worse when approaching a girl I would like to ask out. Here's a description of where that problem stems from:

To summarize, my last girlfriend of 3+ years was terribly emotionally abusive to me (not intentionally though). Aside from not wanting sex much and usually hating intimacy (and I enjoy sex and intimacy a lot), she never complimented me much. She never said I looked good, or was appreciative of things I did for her (rather, she never expressed that she was appreciative; I'm sure she actually was). But she expected these things constantly from me, or else she'd grow even more depressed. So when it finally ended (she dumped me because when she finally got on antidepressants and went to therapy, I reminded her too much of her past), I was left completely starved for affection, intimacy, and sex.

Even almost two (completely single the whole time) years later, I still feel that way and that I'm worse off than if I hadn't had anyone, because she also slowly had me cut myself off from knowing other women, afraid I'd leave her for someone I was more compatible with. It causes me a lot of discomfort seeing happy couples in public, because I want to be able to experience that so badly. Just to have someone who CARES about me by my side. But the problem is, my ex basically ruined my perception of myself as someone any girl would want, ever. So not only do I worry about the general "burden" thing I mentioned earlier when approaching someone to ask out, but I worry that there's no way they could possibly want to date me.

And this part is difficult to explain (more because it feels that embarrassing and wildly illogical that even when anonymous, I'm hesitant), but I seriously have panic attacks worrying that, even if I asked someone out and she said yes, she would never want to do anything intimate or sexual or even romantic with me. She'd happily go on dates with me, sure. But she'd never want to hug, or kiss, or make out, or have sex, or cuddle, or anything. And if I ever tried to go for any of those things, she'd just give me some sort of derisive look and be all "Why would I ever want to do THAT with you?" I basically can't see any girl ever wanting to actually be with me, even though I did have a girlfriend before my last one who actually did all of this stuff. (though we broke up as, oddly enough, we had nothing in common. It was still a great relationship)

So when it comes to women, it's a double-whammy: Not only would I feel like I'm being a burden for approaching her and talking to her (and possibly asking her out), I worry that she couldn't possibly want a relationship with ME. Why would she, or anyone, want that? That's a silly thing to expect anyone in the world to want. I also worry that if I ask them out too soon, they'll resent me for it because it'll seem that's all I'm interested in.

The worst part of all of this is that my fears, anxiety, and lack of self-confidence are so intense, no matter how often I try something and it succeeds, I never gain confidence. Because if it fails even once, out of a thousand successes, it throws me right back to square one in terms of despair and hopelessness. And the fear of such a failure also never goes away, keeping me from enjoying the successes.

I don't know of any way to rectify these feelings, except medication (which I mentioned in a topic in the misc. forum here). I tried therapy a couple of years ago, and while it was nice, I never got to trusting the therapist enough to actually mention any of these issues, really. But I don't even know how to find a therapist (mom found previous one for me), and my general social anxiety makes it too much of a chore to do.



Does anyone else feel like this? Does anyone go through the feeling of being a burden, or have trouble approaching people? Especially if you otherwise seem to other people to be fine and without issues, like I mentioned. As it is, I have absolutely no confidence when it comes to actually making friends and asking girls out. Even though it probably seems like I'm a very social person and not very shy in public (I can even give public presentations with a minimum of anxiety), when it comes to things I truly care about, like making lasting friendships or finding a partner, I'm just utterly impossibly shy and have zero confidence whatsoever.


EDIT: Sorry for such a long, rambling post. I have trouble trimming down things, because I hate possibly missing key details or giving people incomplete information. If anyone wants me to shorten it even further, please let me know and I'll do my best.

 

[ShadowMan2898]

All the time, I'm afraid. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who feels this way. I guess all we have to do now is stay alive soldier on.

Thanks.

 

[Tiina63]

I feel the same way. It often seems that the only way for me to be accepted is basically to hide who I am from others. If I don't show them when I am lonely, or hurt, or unhappy, or angry or needy, then maybe they won't see me as a burden.

 

[Lost Drifter]

During my childhood I was definitely made to feel like a burden to my family. Back for as long as I can remember (to age of five or six years) my parents would constantly criticise and put me down in front of others, telling me that my sisters, cousins, other kids in the neighbourhood were better than me, that I was always wrong, that I could never do anything right etc. I wish I knew why they felt the need to so this, I think at the time they both had very stressful lives working long hours but while they hid that stress from my older sisters, they let it go on me. Perhaps because I was the boy it felt ok for them to do that to me, I’ll never really know.

You want to hear a sob story? I they told me that I couldn’t have birthday parties after the age of seven because it was too much of a hassle for them. I’m going to be 32 in a few months and my last piece of birthday cake was in 1987, how pathetic is that? I was always left home alone while my folks were at work and my sisters stayed with relatives (an isolated life can be a nightmare) and the only time I was spoken to was to give me orders or instructions for chores. I remember one summer, I think I was 10 at the time, cleaning out the weeds from the garden, cutting the grass, sweeping the paths and planting new flowers in a bid to impress my father. I was so proud of what I had done but then overheard him telling my mother that I was an idiot and could have done better. Worst still was that she agreed.

So yes, from a very young age I was made to feel like a burden and that deep down I’m not right, that I don’t belong in society. Things got a bit better after I left home at 14, being left alone as a kid meant that I was able to take care of myself later on and having some independence helped establish a sense of identity. But every so often the lack of a family gets me down a lot, reminds me that I’m not normal and that I’m a bit weird. I did try to reconnect with what remained of my family later on in life but that turned out to be a disaster.

Now I tend to keep to myself and have learned to put on one hell of a mask to cover up my feelings. Its not that I don’t have confidence in approaching people, more that I’m afraid of letting my guard down and that my mask may slip off. Hence me being a drifter I guess, never in the same place long enough for people to see the cracks in my face or the real me. It sucks being an outsider but its how I cope with feeling a mess on the inside.

 

[isthatso]

Great thread guys.
Thanks for sharing!

 

[Kat]

I feel like I "shut down" years ago as a result of bullying and abuse. I learned not to feel, not to express, infinitely repeating negative self talk, to avoid new people, to avoid eye contact, not to trust.

I encourage you to look around for a new counselor. Maybe you can find some support with your mom.

 

[el Jay]

All the time, I'm afraid. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who feels this way. I guess all we have to do now is stay alive soldier on.

Thanks.

Always bittersweet to see someone who has gone through the same thing. It's nice to know there's someone out there that can understand, but sad to know that someone else has to endure the same issues I'm facing.

I feel the same way. It often seems that the only way for me to be accepted is basically to hide who I am from others. If I don't show them when I am lonely, or hurt, or unhappy, or angry or needy, then maybe they won't see me as a burden.

For me, it's not even hiding who I am. I'm just...almost a different person when out with people, I guess. I don't worry they'll reject me if I let any of who I "really" am slip out, so much as I worry that they simply don't want me in their life at all to any significant extent. Being a casual acquaintance is fine, but not an actual "friend."

During my childhood I was definitely made to feel like a burden to my family. Back for as long as I can remember (to age of five or six years) my parents would constantly criticise and put me down in front of others, telling me that my sisters, cousins, other kids in the neighbourhood were better than me, that I was always wrong, that I could never do anything right etc. I wish I knew why they felt the need to so this, I think at the time they both had very stressful lives working long hours but while they hid that stress from my older sisters, they let it go on me. Perhaps because I was the boy it felt ok for them to do that to me, I’ll never really know.

You want to hear a sob story? I they told me that I couldn’t have birthday parties after the age of seven because it was too much of a hassle for them. I’m going to be 32 in a few months and my last piece of birthday cake was in 1987, how pathetic is that? I was always left home alone while my folks were at work and my sisters stayed with relatives (an isolated life can be a nightmare) and the only time I was spoken to was to give me orders or instructions for chores. I remember one summer, I think I was 10 at the time, cleaning out the weeds from the garden, cutting the grass, sweeping the paths and planting new flowers in a bid to impress my father. I was so proud of what I had done but then overheard him telling my mother that I was an idiot and could have done better. Worst still was that she agreed.

So yes, from a very young age I was made to feel like a burden and that deep down I’m not right, that I don’t belong in society. Things got a bit better after I left home at 14, being left alone as a kid meant that I was able to take care of myself later on and having some independence helped establish a sense of identity. But every so often the lack of a family gets me down a lot, reminds me that I’m not normal and that I’m a bit weird. I did try to reconnect with what remained of my family later on in life but that turned out to be a disaster.

Now I tend to keep to myself and have learned to put on one hell of a mask to cover up my feelings. Its not that I don’t have confidence in approaching people, more that I’m afraid of letting my guard down and that my mask may slip off. Hence me being a drifter I guess, never in the same place long enough for people to see the cracks in my face or the real me. It sucks being an outsider but its how I cope with feeling a mess on the inside.

That's really terrible. I at least had the support of my parents, for what little good that ended up doing. I can't even imagine how messed up I'd be if they rejected me, too.

I feel like I "shut down" years ago as a result of bullying and abuse. I learned not to feel, not to express, infinitely repeating negative self talk, to avoid new people, to avoid eye contact, not to trust.

I encourage you to look around for a new counselor. Maybe you can find some support with your mom.

I always hide my true opinions and thoughts from others. I never talk about my taste in music, games, or anything else people have varying opinions of, for fear that I'll end up polarizing some people against me, no matter how minor it might me, due to having differing tastes. I'm not even honest or forthcoming with that around my closest (and only in real life) friend.

The only way I'll admit to liking/disliking something is if the other person admits it first.

 

[dreamsurfer]

Used and abused...

But none of it sounds like your fault at all. In fact a lot of your so-called friends seemed really, really flaky while you were the one being human. Think about it - in all your relationships you were the one that cared - and yet you feel like the burden when those you were with were just manipulative, unsure and immature. Are you sure you were the burden or was it them?....

It's about time you stepped out of the matrix and asked yourself if the crap you've been made to believe is really true.

 

[el Jay]

Used and abused...

But none of it sounds like your fault at all. In fact a lot of your so-called friends seemed really, really flaky while you were the one being human. Think about it - in all your relationships you were the one that cared - and yet you feel like the burden when those you were with were just manipulative, unsure and immature. Are you sure you were the burden or was it them?....

It's about time you stepped out of the matrix and asked yourself if the crap you've been made to believe is really true.

Whether I was the burden or them makes little difference, at least in the end. Either way, I'm still the one who has to put that energy into relationships to keep them going, and if I don't, I'll be alone. And what is worse, exactly: being alone with no one there for you, or being the one who puts in all the work to keep whatever friendships I have going? Considering there was a period after my first girlfriend and before my last one that I was completely alone (no school, job, friends, girlfriend, nothing but my dad's family, none of which I can relate to and vice versa), it's obvious to me that "alone" is not an option for me.

Other people have told me that what I "obviously" need to do is find "real" friends, who will put in equal work to the friendship so I don't need to feel like it's all on me. But no one has ever been able to tell me HOW or WHERE to find those sorts of friends. And I sure as hell haven't had much luck in finding such people myself.

 

[dreamsurfer]

Used and abused...

But none of it sounds like your fault at all. In fact a lot of your so-called friends seemed really, really flaky while you were the one being human. Think about it - in all your relationships you were the one that cared - and yet you feel like the burden when those you were with were just manipulative, unsure and immature. Are you sure you were the burden or was it them?....

It's about time you stepped out of the matrix and asked yourself if the crap you've been made to believe is really true.

Whether I was the burden or them makes little difference, at least in the end. Either way, I'm still the one who has to put that energy into relationships to keep them going, and if I don't, I'll be alone. And what is worse, exactly: being alone with no one there for you, or being the one who puts in all the work to keep whatever friendships I have going? Considering there was a period after my first girlfriend and before my last one that I was completely alone (no school, job, friends, girlfriend, nothing but my dad's family, none of which I can relate to and vice versa), it's obvious to me that "alone" is not an option for me.

Other people have told me that what I "obviously" need to do is find "real" friends, who will put in equal work to the friendship so I don't need to feel like it's all on me. But no one has ever been able to tell me HOW or WHERE to find those sorts of friends. And I sure as hell haven't had much luck in finding such people myself.

You don't HAVE to do anything. If these so-called friends don't pull their own weight then don't waste your time with them because it's not worth it. In my opinion it's far better to be alone than to be with people that drag you along. My life is too valuable for me to allow it to be derailed by negative people.

And there isn't some spot on a map that I can point to. Try finding people with similar interests or ideas. Volunteer or join a club. I'm pretty sure the human race has more than just flaky people in it.

 

[el Jay]

I've been very alone in my life, and I absolutely detest it. Personally, I'd rather have "friends" that I have to put in all the effort for than to be alone again. Although I should mention, the (few) friends I have, although they do show varying levels of that behavior, aren't just the sort that don't care about me at all outside of the effort I show. They do put in some, but it just feels to me like they don't, or it's miniscule compared to what I do.


As for finding people with similar interests, I don't really know how to. "Volunteer" is a pretty broad term, and I don't really have any idea how to even go about finding where I could possibly volunteer. And my college doesn't really have clubs that I'm interested in (it's a small college), and the fact I'm 27 and they're mostly 18-22 makes it a bit harder to relate. Outside of school, I don't even have the slightest idea how or where to look for clubs or groups or whatever of people who share some interest.

That's actually a recurring theme in my life... I've had almost no real guidance in life. Lazy, self-centered father, mom living on a different continent, and grandfather who's hopelessly out of touch with the times, plus no real mentors or other guides in my life. Most of what I've found and discovered and learned is scrounged from IMs with my mom. I've also generally been afraid to approach professors or other such figures throughout my college life just because... well, cowardice and anxiety and fear, I suppose. Some mix of those. I'd like to blame it all on my social anxiety (which is a big part of my issues here, though I went over it more in detail in another thread), but I do admit I have a touch of the lazy. But as the years went on, I've found new and exciting ways my anxiety and fear of judgment from others (and stuff like I've talked about here) have impacted my life and held me back, without me even realizing. At least I can work towards fixing those things, but it's a long and very difficult path without therapy, or anxiety meds, or some form of treatment (and just plain therapy didn't really do much to help me).

I guess I'm not really sure what sort of "advice" I'm looking for, as I'm notoriously bad at following advice, even that which I've solicited. But as for finding people with similar interests, I do own and operate a (very) small but close-knit discussion forum website for my particular interests. It's how I met my best irl friend actually. But I've found that online-only relationships come nowhere close to fulfilling the deeper need for human contact in the real world, as close as we may be. Hence returning right back to the problems I talk about in my original post...

 

[dreamsurfer]

I've been very alone in my life, and I absolutely detest it. Personally, I'd rather have "friends" that I have to put in all the effort for than to be alone again. Although I should mention, the (few) friends I have, although they do show varying levels of that behavior, aren't just the sort that don't care about me at all outside of the effort I show. They do put in some, but it just feels to me like they don't, or it's miniscule compared to what I do.


As for finding people with similar interests, I don't really know how to. "Volunteer" is a pretty broad term, and I don't really have any idea how to even go about finding where I could possibly volunteer. And my college doesn't really have clubs that I'm interested in (it's a small college), and the fact I'm 27 and they're mostly 18-22 makes it a bit harder to relate. Outside of school, I don't even have the slightest idea how or where to look for clubs or groups or whatever of people who share some interest.

That's actually a recurring theme in my life... I've had almost no real guidance in life. Lazy, self-centered father, mom living on a different continent, and grandfather who's hopelessly out of touch with the times, plus no real mentors or other guides in my life. Most of what I've found and discovered and learned is scrounged from IMs with my mom. I've also generally been afraid to approach professors or other such figures throughout my college life just because... well, cowardice and anxiety and fear, I suppose. Some mix of those. I'd like to blame it all on my social anxiety (which is a big part of my issues here, though I went over it more in detail in another thread), but I do admit I have a touch of the lazy. But as the years went on, I've found new and exciting ways my anxiety and fear of judgment from others (and stuff like I've talked about here) have impacted my life and held me back, without me even realizing. At least I can work towards fixing those things, but it's a long and very difficult path without therapy, or anxiety meds, or some form of treatment (and just plain therapy didn't really do much to help me).

I guess I'm not really sure what sort of "advice" I'm looking for, as I'm notoriously bad at following advice, even that which I've solicited. But as for finding people with similar interests, I do own and operate a (very) small but close-knit discussion forum website for my particular interests. It's how I met my best irl friend actually. But I've found that online-only relationships come nowhere close to fulfilling the deeper need for human contact in the real world, as close as we may be. Hence returning right back to the problems I talk about in my original post...

It's completely understandable that you disagree on the pulling thing. Being alone sucks but I feel like being with people that are like that is worse because you're just being ignored most of the time anyway. And the only time they come around is when they want something. The whole situation just seems fake to me.

I'm trying to volunteer now but it's not working well... I tried grocery deliveries for the elderly, volunteering at hospitals and greenpeace but I got no word from them yet... The easiest way I know of to find clubs or people nearby is google maps. Usually you can search for something you like to do and you may find locations nearby where people meet.

I also managed to make some very close friendships online. Some of them came from absolutely bizzare circumstances but it is possible.

I got rid of my anxiety about a year ago but it wasn't so bad that I needed meds so I'm not sure if I can help with that. I think the basic things to remember are that you have to believe in yourself and the things that you are doing. And do what you want to do. You can't worry about what other people think because frankly they don't matter. The most judgemental people are usually the ones that hate themselves the most and are just spreading it around.

The biggest point was simply that I wasn't going to allow other people to compromise my life and my dreams. I don't care what people think of me anymore - I do what I want. People are entiltled to their opinions but at the end of the day that's all they are.

 

[bulmabriefs144]

All my young life I was bullied. The worst of it was from 4th to 10th grade, with a little before and after (but it was nothing compared to 4-10). I've written about all that in my other topics. As a result, I feel I've been "disconnected" from the world. I still live here, obviously, but I'm no longer on the same level as others my age. I'm permanently stuck behind them, and it creates a disconnect that makes me feel like I have no place in the world, while everyone else does (at least that I usually see).

I've now found that I have immense problems approaching new people for the most part. Basically, I feel like I'm a burden to others. That other people have perfect lives and all the friends they want. So if I were to approach them to talk, or try to get along with them and be friends, I'd be rejected and they would be angry at me because I'd be ruining the stability and equilibrium of their life...

So now, I constantly feel like a burden, and that I have no place in the world. That I have to fight and struggle to barely maintain a fleeting place, while other people are given a place as their birthright. Note that this isn't because I'm lazy and adverse to hard work, but because hard work has historically gotten me nothing but wasted time and energy (also talked about more in my other threads), while I constantly see it paying off for other people...

(too long)

A "burden", huh? I used those exact words, even though nobody told me them. My dad had to say over and over again, "you're not a burden." But I know when my parents die, I'll have nowhere to go.

Every job I go to, it doesn't matter if I'm clean shaven and well-dressed, or the opposite, same result. I look young, I'm quiet so it reads surly/aloof (I'm guarded because I don't trust people, which is a vicious cycle because every time I do, people give me a new reason not to trust them) and I typically don't get hired, or if I do the job gets hours that conflict with other things (or rather the job adds hours not agreed on, and family/friends start pulling at me, when they're the only friends I've got). Seriously, would it be too much to ask just to have a standard 9-5 minimum wage? To not get singled out for less or more work? To not be used?

The same ends up being the case with girls, I feel like half of them only hung out with me to make their bf jealous. Seriously, I got invited to prom because the girl's guy wasn't coming, and nobody bothered to tell me that he was coming later. And not just that, anyone I meet does this, I worked on a team project for one class, and ended up doing all the work because the other guy bailed at a key point. I get used all the time, and when I finally lose it, they act like I'm a horrible person who they've gone out of their way to help, and I should be more thankful for the "burden" they've had to struggle with.

Why do I have to feel guilty and miserable for other people walking over my boundaries? Why can't I have even a shabby life with a shabby (but regular) job and a shabby (but kind) gf?

GOD **** THEM TO HELL!

Sorry, I needed that.

 

[el Jay]

A "burden", huh? I used those exact words, even though nobody told me them. My dad had to say over and over again, "you're not a burden." But I know when my parents die, I'll have nowhere to go.

Every job I go to, it doesn't matter if I'm clean shaven and well-dressed, or the opposite, same result. I look young, I'm quiet so it reads surly/aloof (I'm guarded because I don't trust people, which is a vicious cycle because every time I do, people give me a new reason not to trust them) and I typically don't get hired, or if I do the job gets hours that conflict with other things (or rather the job adds hours not agreed on, and family/friends start pulling at me, when they're the only friends I've got). Seriously, would it be too much to ask just to have a standard 9-5 minimum wage? To not get singled out for less or more work? To not be used?

The same ends up being the case with girls, I feel like half of them only hung out with me to make their bf jealous. Seriously, I got invited to prom because the girl's guy wasn't coming, and nobody bothered to tell me that he was coming later. And not just that, anyone I meet does this, I worked on a team project for one class, and ended up doing all the work because the other guy bailed at a key point. I get used all the time, and when I finally lose it, they act like I'm a horrible person who they've gone out of their way to help, and I should be more thankful for the "burden" they've had to struggle with.

Why do I have to feel guilty and miserable for other people walking over my boundaries? Why can't I have even a shabby life with a shabby (but regular) job and a shabby (but kind) gf?

GOD **** THEM TO HELL!

Sorry, I needed that.

Don't worry, we all need to just get our frustration out sometimes. I don't really know what I can say, though. I guess I'm fortunate in that my parents and close friends don't see me as a burden, although honestly, it's more that I don't have this anxiety around family or close friends, so I just don't worry about it. I don't think I am one, though. Or at least not much of one, hopefully.

 

[ladyforsaken]

First of all, I'm sorry to hear about you being bullied when you were younger. It's always a sad thing to hear about kids being bullied and later on they are the ones suffering in life. But what goes around, comes around. Continue to do good to others though, it may be hard when no one's shown much good to you.. but don't be like them. Be you. Be a good you. And I'm sure having come this far in life, you're a good person with a good heart who just needs some happiness, like anyone else. Nothing wrong with that really.

So when it comes to women, it's a double-whammy: Not only would I feel like I'm being a burden for approaching her and talking to her (and possibly asking her out), I worry that she couldn't possibly want a relationship with ME. Why would she, or anyone, want that? That's a silly thing to expect anyone in the world to want. I also worry that if I ask them out too soon, they'll resent me for it because it'll seem that's all I'm interested in.

Because you're worthy in this world to someone in the very least. You've yet to find her though. But that doesn't mean you give up. So what if you're 27 or 30 or 40? Life's massive. And unfortunately, too short. And at the same time too, unpredictable. So we gotta make the best out of it and usually, I believe that life is what we make of it. And that nature has a way of giving back positivity when we give it out to others and to the world around us. Keep faith that good things will happen, no matter how much honeysuckle you go through, keep on doing good and expect nothing back in return. It'll come by. In my experience, it usually does.

The worst part of all of this is that my fears, anxiety, and lack of self-confidence are so intense, no matter how often I try something and it succeeds, I never gain confidence. Because if it fails even once, out of a thousand successes, it throws me right back to square one in terms of despair and hopelessness. And the fear of such a failure also never goes away, keeping me from enjoying the successes.

I don't know of any way to rectify these feelings, except medication (which I mentioned in a topic in the misc. forum here). I tried therapy a couple of years ago, and while it was nice, I never got to trusting the therapist enough to actually mention any of these issues, really. But I don't even know how to find a therapist (mom found previous one for me), and my general social anxiety makes it too much of a chore to do.

You should give this a shot again if you found it was nice to you. Try to open up, it really helps. The last time I did, I too had issues opening up? It was to the point where I couldn't speak because all I could do was cry. That wasted a whole session lol but, that, was the door to open up my trust and feelings towards the therapist. She might've gotten the money lol but I think, I gained a lot more from it. I'm not sure where you're from but I've heard of places where you can actually get free therapy sessions? I honestly don't know how this works and didn't know where to look so I just got one from the internet.

Does anyone else feel like this? Does anyone go through the feeling of being a burden, or have trouble approaching people? Especially if you otherwise seem to other people to be fine and without issues, like I mentioned. As it is, I have absolutely no confidence when it comes to actually making friends and asking girls out. Even though it probably seems like I'm a very social person and not very shy in public (I can even give public presentations with a minimum of anxiety), when it comes to things I truly care about, like making lasting friendships or finding a partner, I'm just utterly impossibly shy and have zero confidence whatsoever.

I have felt like I'm a burden. More before than now, after I've worked out some of my self-worth issues. I used to think I'm not good enough to anyone or anything and that I'm a burden (which was what my dad would always say of me and my siblings) so I've always grown up thinking such. That was my problem, the therapist said. It hindered me from having a healthy relationship with anyone, especially with someone in an intimate relationship because of the way I think and not allowing the other person to come in and love and care for me. No matter what they did, I couldn't feel it because I felt like it wasn't right, as I was a burden and didn't deserve it. I overcame that though. It wasn't easy I tell you - takes a lot of work to undo the damage that was done on me. But it's possible.

El Jay, I've been seeing you post around here and I never knew how to respond to your posts only because most of them seem to sound like they're coming from me. I never really know how to advice myself or follow my advice to others and it's taken me a long time to even consider writing a reply on your thread here. But now that I feel like my life has turned around, I should try to let you know that things can change. It takes a bit of hard work and determination, and a bit of pushing and shoving, and a bit of changing here and there to your current mindset and habits and it takes a bit of time to see the progress going. So don't give up, ever.

I'm here if you want to chat more about it. My inbox, as I always say to anyone, is always open. I believe things happen for a reason, and usually, there are good positive reasons - you just gotta identify it. You make your own bed, like how you make your own life to the best that you can on the given circumstances.

You're a good person. Everyone, including you, deserve good things in their lives. Even bad people deserve it - because they need it most, to learn from it. So don't feel like you're a burden. We all are here for a good reason. It just sucks how good people tend to get the worst though, because I believe we're much stronger people to tackle the negativity that goes around in this world. And because there's so much negativity in this world, we have to fight. Fight for the right, fight for what's good, fight for our happiness. Nothing comes easy. Don't compare yourself to others who have it easy. It's a waste of time really. Just believe that life gives you things for a reason. Things to learn from, things to get to where you want to be or need to be.

 

[el Jay]

First of all, I'm sorry to hear about you being bullied when you were younger. It's always a sad thing to hear about kids being bullied and later on they are the ones suffering in life. But what goes around, comes around. Continue to do good to others though, it may be hard when no one's shown much good to you.. but don't be like them. Be you. Be a good you. And I'm sure having come this far in life, you're a good person with a good heart who just needs some happiness, like anyone else. Nothing wrong with that really.

I do try to be a good person. I don't think I have it in my heart to be cruel or even (intentionally) rude to others. I'm a very giving person, and people used to take advantage of it, although in recent years I've found my growing social anxiety is keeping me from being as open as I used to be. I'm still just as giving and helpful with people I do interact with though, mostly at my college.

Because you're worthy in this world to someone in the very least. You've yet to find her though. But that doesn't mean you give up. So what if you're 27 or 30 or 40? Life's massive. And unfortunately, too short. And at the same time too, unpredictable. So we gotta make the best out of it and usually, I believe that life is what we make of it. And that nature has a way of giving back positivity when we give it out to others and to the world around us. Keep faith that good things will happen, no matter how much honeysuckle you go through, keep on doing good and expect nothing back in return. It'll come by. In my experience, it usually does.

In my experience, it rarely does. Part of the reason I feel like so much of a burden is that pretty much no one ever goes out of their way to do anything for me. I try my best to be a generally nice and giving person who's willing to help, is patient, and even reach out to people who I see that are in need of help. But people just don't do that to me. At best, people I know in college will say hi to me if they see me somewhere.

As for there being someone out there for me, I just can't bring myself to believe that. That's probably a stupid thing to think, especially considering I've had two relationships (albeit one was horrible, and both were long distance). But I just can't bring myself to believe anything else. Everyone around me seems to be able to easily enough find people to be with, whether short term or long term. Almost everyone else in all of my classes have someone. Even online friends of mine have someone.

One girl I've know online for almost 10 years and is a very good friend was in a pretty bad online relationship for several of those years. They never even met. There's a lot more to it, but she eventually had enough and ended it last spring. That night, we talked a lot and she said she basically felt the same way I do, that there's no one out there for her and she couldn't even imagine someone liking her as more than a friend. Less than two weeks later, she'd found someone and they're happily together today, rapidly approaching their first anniversary.

It hurt, a lot. I did sort of have a crush on her, which I admitted, but she lives in the UK, so all it would be is another miserable long distance relationship, with months if not years in between visits because of the cost. More than that, it's that someone else out there that felt like I do found someone so easily and without much problem. It hurt so ******* much I basically just sat there in my computer chair that day, doing almost nothing. It completely shattered any and all hope I have that I'll get lucky and find someone, ever. And almost a year later, I've still got no prospects whatsoever and the same issues, while she's been enjoying so much happiness. I mean, I'm very happy for her, I don't for a second wish she didn't find someone. But I'd be lying if I said it didn't make me feel even shittier that I still don't have anyone or any real chance of finding someone.

I have felt like I'm a burden. More before than now, after I've worked out some of my self-worth issues. I used to think I'm not good enough to anyone or anything and that I'm a burden (which was what my dad would always say of me and my siblings) so I've always grown up thinking such. That was my problem, the therapist said. It hindered me from having a healthy relationship with anyone, especially with someone in an intimate relationship because of the way I think and not allowing the other person to come in and love and care for me. No matter what they did, I couldn't feel it because I felt like it wasn't right, as I was a burden and didn't deserve it. I overcame that though. It wasn't easy I tell you - takes a lot of work to undo the damage that was done on me. But it's possible.

My ex (the bad one) used to be horrible with making me feel like a burden by being one herself. She thought she had to constantly and always make me happy, and that if she ever did something (or didn't feel like doing something) that didn't make me happy, she was a bad girlfriend. This stressed her out, and caused her to start getting upset and even angry with me for being disappointed even a little bit that she wasn't in the mood to do something. So she ended up making me feel like I had to constantly be happy with her, whatever she did, because otherwise she'd be upset and it would be MY fault.

But part of the problem for me is that I don't have many people in my life. Just my family, all of which except my mom and grandfather aren't really that interested in me (except that I'm the sole heir to the family name, passed on for four generations so far, since I'm my grandfather's only son's only son). They prefer my cousins, who have had almost storybook lives, what with graduating high school with lots of friends, doing well in college and getting a degree and now having a career in the field they've known they were meant for since they were 12, complete with a family and a growing number of children.

Besides that, I just don't have almost anyone. My one good friend, who doesn't live close enough to hang out with regularly (without a lot of effort). My mom, who lives on the other side of the world (literally). My grandfather, who as much as he loves me, is hopelessly out of date with the world (he still uses a typewriter for letters, but at least it's an electric one). And various online friends who are nice to have and I'm close to, but don't come anywhere close to "real life" friends.

El Jay, I've been seeing you post around here and I never knew how to respond to your posts only because most of them seem to sound like they're coming from me. I never really know how to advice myself or follow my advice to others and it's taken me a long time to even consider writing a reply on your thread here. But now that I feel like my life has turned around, I should try to let you know that things can change. It takes a bit of hard work and determination, and a bit of pushing and shoving, and a bit of changing here and there to your current mindset and habits and it takes a bit of time to see the progress going. So don't give up, ever.

As much as I'd like to give up, I can't. I guess it's for the same reason that I can never seem to feel better about myself, though. I never feel like I'm happy with what I have because there's so much I don't have that I want so very badly. To be able to find a career I'm interested enough in to work towards, a relationship, more friends. To feel loved. But by the same token, I can't ever seem to give up on those things, as much as I feel it'd make my life easier. I'm not sure whether it all works out to be a good or bad thing, but it certainly makes my life feel much more stressful than it would be otherwise.

I'm here if you want to chat more about it. My inbox, as I always say to anyone, is always open. I believe things happen for a reason, and usually, there are good positive reasons - you just gotta identify it. You make your own bed, like how you make your own life to the best that you can on the given circumstances.

You're a good person. Everyone, including you, deserve good things in their lives. Even bad people deserve it - because they need it most, to learn from it. So don't feel like you're a burden. We all are here for a good reason. It just sucks how good people tend to get the worst though, because I believe we're much stronger people to tackle the negativity that goes around in this world. And because there's so much negativity in this world, we have to fight. Fight for the right, fight for what's good, fight for our happiness. Nothing comes easy. Don't compare yourself to others who have it easy. It's a waste of time really. Just believe that life gives you things for a reason. Things to learn from, things to get to where you want to be or need to be.

I don't even think I know how to fight for my own happiness anymore. Several failures of various projects, my last relationship, and the continued lack of having friends in real life has pretty much convinced me that my hard work and energy are wasted, because it'll never amount to anything. I always have ideas for projects, or ways to help others, but I can never do anything with those ideas because I don't really know anyone, and my social anxiety keeps me from ever reaching out to try and find people who might want to help.

But honestly, I have trouble believing the whole "things happen for a reason" line, because it feels like people scrambling to justify bad things that happen. It's like "God works in mysterious ways." Maybe you've found it to be true, and if so, that's great. But for me, it just feels like salt in the wounds because of how long and persistently I was bulled in school (as I mentioned in my first post). Any explanation of advice or hope people try to give in the form of "things happen for a reason" just feels like it glosses that over and tries to justify it. Maybe I dwell on it too much, but I don't really know how not to, much less find any sort of hope or higher purpose in life without somehow reconciling my abuse as a child with whatever philosophy it is that I've encountered. I don't mean to offend you with this or anything, it's just I don't know how to accept that sort of philosophy after what I endured as a child.

EDIT: I really didn't mean to sound so abrasive or unthankful in that last paragraph. It's really just a sore spot of sorts for me =/

 

[ladyforsaken]

I do try to be a good person. I don't think I have it in my heart to be cruel or even (intentionally) rude to others. I'm a very giving person, and people used to take advantage of it, although in recent years I've found my growing social anxiety is keeping me from being as open as I used to be. I'm still just as giving and helpful with people I do interact with though, mostly at my college.

That's a good thing you do and continue doing good to others. Don't expect it back though. Do it and then forget it. Do it, and feel happy you did something good. Try to feel happy or at least satisfied or content, you could make a decision to do something good rather than something bad.

But part of the problem for me is that I don't have many people in my life. Just my family, all of which except my mom and grandfather aren't really that interested in me (except that I'm the sole heir to the family name, passed on for four generations so far, since I'm my grandfather's only son's only son). They prefer my cousins, who have had almost storybook lives, what with graduating high school with lots of friends, doing well in college and getting a degree and now having a career in the field they've known they were meant for since they were 12, complete with a family and a growing number of children.

I know what it's like to be constantly compared to. My relatives are eyeing me to get married next because all my other cousins have and a lot of my friends are on the road as well, either engaged, married with or without kids. But fresia them. Who cares? This is my life. This is your life. Don't compare on your own. Let them compare and pressurise you, but ignore the chit chatter about it.

As much as I'd like to give up, I can't. I guess it's for the same reason that I can never seem to feel better about myself, though. I never feel like I'm happy with what I have because there's so much I don't have that I want so very badly.

Dude, I don't have what I want most of my life, and until now even. I don't have the father I had wanted to see me through my graduation. All my life, the things I did, were all for my family or for other people, not once have I done something for myself except last Nov/Dec when I went on a vacation to the UK.

I'm forced to take up studies and a job I never imagined I would do, I've been struggling to come to terms with it for close to 8 years now. I cannot wait to get out of this honeysuckle because I was asked to sign a long-ass bond for it that I'm still serving. To make matters worst? I was recently diagnosed with cancer. All my life I struggled financially for my family, supported them, made sure my sick dad was at least all right and that there was enough for my family to get by on. I still think I didn't have it worst than a lot of disadvantaged people out there.

Was abused emotionally as a child, abused on several other levels in my previous relationship for close to 5 years. And honeysuckle, I didn't have what I wanted, a relationship that would last and all that.

But, I wanted to see changes. I was sick and tired of feeling depressed. I sought help, no matter how much I needed. I spoke up. I raised my hand and said, help me. I opened up to several people, and my therapist. I did poorly in my job because of the honeysuckle I had to go through. But I was sick of it - so what did I do? Yes I felt bloody sorry for myself but then I had to get up and do something. I made changes to my lifestyle, my diet, my friends, my routines. I changed my mindset, most importantly. If I was to remain depressed and unhappy for the things I didnt have or for the things that went wrong? I wouldn't even be writing to you here right now.

Because I choose not to be on that other side. And no, I'm still not having it all great.

I just recently found a wonderful guy to be with. He's amazing and we're together and it's a LDR. It's a good thing but it's also NOT what I wanted. If only I can quit cancer, quit my job, grow money on trees and fly to be with my love. If ******* only. But yes, I chose this route and I'm not going to complain, but I didn't choose cancer, neither did I choose the job.

But? I still think there are people out there worst off.

I don't even think I know how to fight for my own happiness anymore. Several failures of various projects, my last relationship, and the continued lack of having friends in real life has pretty much convinced me that my hard work and energy are wasted, because it'll never amount to anything. I always have ideas for projects, or ways to help others, but I can never do anything with those ideas because I don't really know anyone, and my social anxiety keeps me from ever reaching out to try and find people who might want to help.

Then come on, do something about it?? These things are changeable, El Jay. They are. You're probably putting effort out in the wrong areas that don't get recognised. Speak up for the things you do (which I did and then, I got recognition). I realise that in the working world, nobody waits or take notice of what you do unless you project it and voice it out. Even your ideas, you put it out there, you make it shine. You don't know anyone? Find someone, do it until you find someone. If it takes you to get through 10 people, do it.

My bf has social anxiety. He's getting better with help from the doctors and meds. I don't know what your belief is but there is a solution, if you want it. Changes don't happen overnight. It might take a lifetime, but you know then that you worked for it and didn't sit back and give up because if you do give up, you're closing the doors to opportunities immediately.

But honestly, I have trouble believing the whole "things happen for a reason" line, because it feels like people scrambling to justify bad things that happen. It's like "God works in mysterious ways." Maybe you've found it to be true, and if so, that's great. But for me, it just feels like salt in the wounds because of how long and persistently I was bulled in school (as I mentioned in my first post). Any explanation of advice or hope people try to give in the form of "things happen for a reason" just feels like it glosses that over and tries to justify it. Maybe I dwell on it too much, but I don't really know how not to, much less find any sort of hope or higher purpose in life without somehow reconciling my abuse as a child with whatever philosophy it is that I've encountered. I don't mean to offend you with this or anything, it's just I don't know how to accept that sort of philosophy after what I endured as a child.

It's understandable that it's difficult to get over something so tragic at such a young age. I'm not denying the heavy damages the abuse could have done to you. But you should seek help for it, man. It's not helping your outlook in life.

Believing in things happening for a reason isn't just bullshit for me though. I don't say it to make up excuses for what happens, good or bad. It just means that whatever happens? I try to reason out why and usually I never get a straight answer. But there is always something to learn from what occurs in life. It's up to you to pick out what it is, that's just how vague life is. People tend not to think about it and let things go, but I'm not like that.

I'm not saying you should be like me, but if you could only see how being bullied actually has made you a better person than those bullies, made you a wiser person now who has more knowledge and experience about kids who go through honeysuckle - you can make a difference with people who are going through that right now.

I'm not saying it was good that you got bullied. My heart goes out to you and I wish there's more that I can do to heal your pains but dude, I'm human too and things I say here are not perfect but they come from the heart. And I genuinely want to help you with what I can, and at the moment, they can only come in the form of words on your screen. It may not mean much to you, but I care.

EDIT: I really didn't mean to sound so abrasive or unthankful in that last paragraph. It's really just a sore spot of sorts for me =/

That's all right. It's understandable, with such a past, it's not easy to look at it and let go. It's not easy to just accept it and overcome it. It's a past that tends to haunt. It's why those kids who got bullied go for suicide. They can't take it. But you're strong El Jay. You're a strong guy. You survived it - unfortunately though, you're suffering. But you, and ONLY YOU can change things around. No one else can do it for you. It starts within yourself first.

 

[el Jay]

Okay, I tried replying twice, but each time what I'd written ended up getting lost when firefox acted up. Sorry if quotes seem a bit wonky because of that.

That's a good thing you do and continue doing good to others. Don't expect it back though. Do it and then forget it. Do it, and feel happy you did something good. Try to feel happy or at least satisfied or content, you could make a decision to do something good rather than something bad.

It does make me happy, a little, and I don't expect it back. But it'd still be nice to have people show me the same effort once in a while. Sometimes it makes me a little sad that I often go out of my way to help others, but so rarely does anyone do that for me.

Then come on, do something about it?? These things are changeable, El Jay. They are. You're probably putting effort out in the wrong areas that don't get recognised. Speak up for the things you do (which I did and then, I got recognition). I realise that in the working world, nobody waits or take notice of what you do unless you project it and voice it out. Even your ideas, you put it out there, you make it shine. You don't know anyone? Find someone, do it until you find someone. If it takes you to get through 10 people, do it.

My bf has social anxiety. He's getting better with help from the doctors and meds. I don't know what your belief is but there is a solution, if you want it. Changes don't happen overnight. It might take a lifetime, but you know then that you worked for it and didn't sit back and give up because if you do give up, you're closing the doors to opportunities immediately.

I guess my problem is social anxiety, like your bf has. It's easy enough for people to say "just do it until you succeed" about something, but the advice to just do that with people? Just keep going until I find someone that is willing to listen, to help? That's unthinkable to me. That's why I've been wanting to go get on meds, because I hate thinking like that and feeling like I'm a prisoner of my anxiety constantly. I actually got the card of a psychologist my doctor recommended when I brought it up to him last week, though I haven't called yet.

But another problem I have is that I feel like I just don't have any passion for anything anymore. That I don't have any dreams. I've spent the last several years trying to figure out what I want to do with my life, and that's a major part of why I returned to college and what I'm majoring in. But I still can't find much interest in it beyond just a superficial "oh, new stuff to learn!" feeling. Even things that seem like that they should be right up my alley don't really 'wow' me. This is one thing that's almost scared me, and also the major thing that I don't think medicine can help me with (and my mom's scared will actually make even worse).

I know that the advice to "do something" and that I have to be the one to change things is most likely good advice, but I've never found what it is I need to change, or even can change, to make a difference. Maybe I'm missing something simple, but either way, it's difficult.

It's understandable that it's difficult to get over something so tragic at such a young age. I'm not denying the heavy damages the abuse could have done to you. But you should seek help for it, man. It's not helping your outlook in life.

Believing in things happening for a reason isn't just bullshit for me though. I don't say it to make up excuses for what happens, good or bad. It just means that whatever happens? I try to reason out why and usually I never get a straight answer. But there is always something to learn from what occurs in life. It's up to you to pick out what it is, that's just how vague life is. People tend not to think about it and let things go, but I'm not like that.

I'm not saying you should be like me, but if you could only see how being bullied actually has made you a better person than those bullies, made you a wiser person now who has more knowledge and experience about kids who go through honeysuckle - you can make a difference with people who are going through that right now.

I'm not saying it was good that you got bullied. My heart goes out to you and I wish there's more that I can do to heal your pains but dude, I'm human too and things I say here are not perfect but they come from the heart. And I genuinely want to help you with what I can, and at the moment, they can only come in the form of words on your screen. It may not mean much to you, but I care.

I know you didn't mean it like this, but in my experience, a lot of people tend to use "God works in mysterious ways" (if religious), and "Everything happens for a reason" (if not religious) as ways to just dismiss my problems and my past. My dad even uses the God line to dismiss it. So I have an inherent dislike of people who try to use that line, at least without explaining themselves.

It seems like for you, it's more that you try and find something good in it to take away after the fact, rather than justifying the bad that happened with the good you take from it. It's a big difference between "I was bullied to make me become a good person" and "I was bullied, so I know the value in being nice to others." Doubly so when God is invoked. And a LOT of people seem to indicate they believe it's the former, and that God, or the cosmos, or some other force orchestrated my bullying specifically so I'd become the person I am today, and that I should almost be thankful as a result.

I know some people don't actually mean it like that, because some of them were/are friends (not close ones though), but they still use it as though simply hearing it will somehow grant me inner peace, knowing my years of suffering were for a "good cause."


Anyways, I'm sorry to hear about your own problems. It sounds like in a lot of ways I've had it a bit easier than you, although our own problems probably seem worse to us simply because we're the ones who have to live through and with them. I know you offered that I an talk to you about stuff anytime, so I just want you to know that you can always talk to me if you need to talk to someone, too. I know parts of what I post probably seem petty or whiny or lazy, but it's because sometimes I genuinely don't know what to do, and the only advice others can offer is "you have to figure that out on your own." I'm still looking for the answer of what exactly that is, and I feel more lost than ever these days. I was hoping returning to college would help me find my way, but it hasn't, and I'm almost done with the second of my three years here.

 

[ladyforsaken]

It does make me happy, a little, and I don't expect it back. But it'd still be nice to have people show me the same effort once in a while. Sometimes it makes me a little sad that I often go out of my way to help others, but so rarely does anyone do that for me.

I know what you mean and I do agree. There are a lot of people out there, especially in these times, who don't show appreciation back in return. It truly sucks. Sometimes I think I tend not to do it too to those who do good to me. :\

I guess my problem is social anxiety, like your bf has. It's easy enough for people to say "just do it until you succeed" about something, but the advice to just do that with people? Just keep going until I find someone that is willing to listen, to help? That's unthinkable to me. That's why I've been wanting to go get on meds, because I hate thinking like that and feeling like I'm a prisoner of my anxiety constantly. I actually got the card of a psychologist my doctor recommended when I brought it up to him last week, though I haven't called yet.

Okay. Give it a shot. I hope it'll help you, it won't be immediate effect I suppose? I'm not sure, but from what I hear of what my bf told me, it does help him a lot so he takes it daily now. He says that if he misses about 2 to 3 days of it, he starts to feel depression or anxiety setting in. I wish you the best on this, el Jay.

But another problem I have is that I feel like I just don't have any passion for anything anymore. That I don't have any dreams. I've spent the last several years trying to figure out what I want to do with my life, and that's a major part of why I returned to college and what I'm majoring in. But I still can't find much interest in it beyond just a superficial "oh, new stuff to learn!" feeling. Even things that seem like that they should be right up my alley don't really 'wow' me. This is one thing that's almost scared me, and also the major thing that I don't think medicine can help me with (and my mom's scared will actually make even worse).

I know that the advice to "do something" and that I have to be the one to change things is most likely good advice, but I've never found what it is I need to change, or even can change, to make a difference. Maybe I'm missing something simple, but either way, it's difficult.

Taking the meds might or might not help you find what it is that you need or want to change. Either way, it's all unknown and well, it's really up to you what you feel like doing. What is it that you can change easily? Maybe do that first? Like, a routine or something. I don't know, I picked up going to the gym after my previous relationship ended and it boosted a lot of my confidence and strength and mentality. I felt better, more drive to do things. It actually benefited me in more ways than I imagined it would've. I thought it was just gonna help me physically, but it did mentally and psychologically too. That's what I learnt... things interrelate with one another that we sometimes are not aware of.

I know you offered that I an talk to you about stuff anytime, so I just want you to know that you can always talk to me if you need to talk to someone, too. I know parts of what I post probably seem petty or whiny or lazy, but it's because sometimes I genuinely don't know what to do, and the only advice others can offer is "you have to figure that out on your own." I'm still looking for the answer of what exactly that is, and I feel more lost than ever these days. I was hoping returning to college would help me find my way, but it hasn't, and I'm almost done with the second of my three years here.

Thank you el Jay.
And no it's understandable. When I didn't know what to do with my job when I was feeling really sick - I was "whiny" lol about it but I guess sometimes, it's just really frustrating and there's nothing more we know what to do then to vent it. It's good though, rather than keep it in.

I really really hope that things start to look up. Maybe your first step into seeing your psychologist or making little changes in your life will be a stepping stone to positive things to come. I believe it can be.

 

[el Jay]

Okay. Give it a shot. I hope it'll help you, it won't be immediate effect I suppose? I'm not sure, but from what I hear of what my bf told me, it does help him a lot so he takes it daily now. He says that if he misses about 2 to 3 days of it, he starts to feel depression or anxiety setting in. I wish you the best on this, el Jay.

Has he had any negative side effects from medication? And what is he taking, if you don't mind saying? One thing I'm worried about with medication is that it'll dull my senses or something and make me care less about things I should. I don't really know much about the meds or any anecdotes from people who's taken meds for anxiety and/or depression, though.

Taking the meds might or might not help you find what it is that you need or want to change. Either way, it's all unknown and well, it's really up to you what you feel like doing. What is it that you can change easily? Maybe do that first? Like, a routine or something. I don't know, I picked up going to the gym after my previous relationship ended and it boosted a lot of my confidence and strength and mentality. I felt better, more drive to do things. It actually benefited me in more ways than I imagined it would've. I thought it was just gonna help me physically, but it did mentally and psychologically too. That's what I learnt... things interrelate with one another that we sometimes are not aware of.

I guess what I worry about is that if I try something and it doesn't seem to change things, it's wasted time. Kinda silly, I guess, but if it ends up not really doing much to help overall, I feel like the time was wasted and that I'm no closer to where I want to be, and that tends to depress me a bit. And then it'll just keep happening... minor changes, no difference, over and over, wasting more and more time and ending up not much better to show for it.

Thank you el Jay.
And no it's understandable. When I didn't know what to do with my job when I was feeling really sick - I was "whiny" lol about it but I guess sometimes, it's just really frustrating and there's nothing more we know what to do then to vent it. It's good though, rather than keep it in.

I really really hope that things start to look up. Maybe your first step into seeing your psychologist or making little changes in your life will be a stepping stone to positive things to come. I believe it can be.

I hope it's a good first step. I'm so sick of not really knowing what to do in life, and never being able to find it.