In-depth Intro - My situation

[Socialawkwardness101]

I wasn't sure which section to post this in as it's kind of a mix of everything, but as it all results in the feeling on loneliness I think it's best to post here.

I've always struggled with self-image and feelings of inferiority since I can remember. I am very insecure about a number of things appearance-wise, which means I can be very shy. Because of this I always prided myself on my academic achievements. I worked hard in school and achieved good grades and got into university.

While at university I was, of course, forced to socialise. Rather than shy away, I forced myself to make friends, but it was difficult and I struggled to connect with my peers in the first year. In the 2nd year I decided to move in with some of my classmates, so I could socialise even more. It didn't turn out so well as I couldn't escape this constant social situation that I was uncomfortable with, and I had to constantly wear this mask of confidence. It was tiring, and I ended up shutting myself in my room, further alienating myself.

Due to a combination of this, and relationship issues, and general deterioration of my self-image and confidence, I became depressed. I barely slept or ate, and did nothing except sit at my computer playing games and watching shows online. I stopped turning up for lectures, and barely managed in my exams. I eventually failed my course when it came to my dissertation as I couldn't even bring myself to start it. Everytime I opened up Word I was filled with dread, and feelings of worthlessness. This went on until it was too late to begin. I did try, albeit in vain, to complete something that resembled a dissertation, but it wasn't enough.

Failing my course was probably the worst thing that's ever happened to me, and I haven't yet managed to recover from how it made me feel. I've been struggling to find a job ever since, and currently living with my mother. I just turned 24 and feeling as pathetic as ever that I'm not living by myself with a job.

Struggling to find a job is pushing me further and further into these feelings of worthlessness as no one is hiring me, not even Supermarket stores. I recently split with my girlfriend of 3 years, caused by my issues, which hasn't helped me either.

So now I'm at home, at my computer, just waiting for something to happen. I know things don't tend to happen by themselves, but as I go to motivate myself, the familiar feeling of dread returns and keeps me where I am.

I am surrounded by a lovely family, and I have friends to socialise with, but I have never felt more alone, insecure and worthless. And because I have friends and a nice family, and a good home to live in, I feel terrible knowing that I'm in no way worse off than many other people, which makes me feel really guilty.

I know this was a long post, and I appreciate all those that read through it all. I would like to hear your thoughts and opinions, and I would like to hear from people who are in or have been in a similar situation.

 

[LoneKiller]

Hi Socialawkwardness101. Welcome to the forum.
I can't say that I envy you for what you are going through right now, but I noticed a couple of things.

"..So now I'm at home, at my computer, just waiting for something to happen..."

You are going to be waiting a LONG time if you are counting on this. You have to take the initiative and make these things happen. You must accept the fact that you will be rejected from time to time. You must persevere and take the good with the bad when seeking solace in your life. There's no other way.

"..I am surrounded by a lovely family, and I have friends to socialise with, but I have never felt more alone, insecure and worthless. And because I have friends and a nice family, and a good home to live in, I feel terrible knowing that I'm in no way worse off than many other people, which makes me feel really guilty.."

If I'm understanding this correctly, you said that you feel guilty because you have it better than other people do?
If so why? You shouldn't feel guilty because you are aware that others don't have it as good as you. You are blessed with a good family and friends. Be grateful, not guilt stricken. There is always going to be those less fortunate than you. There will always be those far more fortunate than you. That's life.

I recommend that you focus on what you have in life and not what you don't. You seem to have a good heart. Use it! Use it to make others happy and yourself happy. Everyone wins this way.

 

[Socialawkwardness101]

Hi Socialawkwardness101. Welcome to the forum.
I can't say that I envy you for what you are going through right now, but I noticed a couple of things.
"..So now I'm at home, at my computer, just waiting for something to happen..."
You are going to be waiting a LONG time if you are counting on this.

I know what you mean. I did say just after that, that I've been trying, but my fear of social situations makes it really difficult to get out there.

"..I am surrounded by a lovely family, and I have friends to socialise with, but I have never felt more alone, insecure and worthless. And because I have friends and a nice family, and a good home to live in, I feel terrible knowing that I'm in no way worse off than many other people, which makes me feel really guilty.."

If I'm understanding this correctly, you said that you feel guilty because you have it better than other people do?
If so why?

What I mean is, I know that a lot of people here have it way worse than me here, and everywhere else. And I feel guilty for even feeling the way I do because I have what I have.


Thanks for your reply, it was nice to hear it from another perspective.

 

[Tiina63]

Hello Socialawkwardness101, could you go back to college and resit the final year of your course? You wrote that failing it is the worst thing which has happened to you, but maybe you could turn this around by retaking the year and passing.

 

[Socialawkwardness101]

Hello Socialawkwardness101, could you go back to college and resit the final year of your course? You wrote that failing it is the worst thing which has happened to you, but maybe you could turn this around by retaking the year and passing.

I did want to resit, but that was the last year they were running my course, and I wasn't able to transfer to a different one.

 

[Kira]

Well this sounds like me through and through. I can tell from this post you are worth significantly more than you think you are. You have no reason to feel guilty; comparing yourself to anyone is pretty much not worth doing as there is always counter-arguments. I garuntee there are people better off than you who feel worse than you do.

I myself feel pretty inadequate, not very good at what I do, and I always worry I will be butchered when I hand in work etc. I personally persist through it with logic, i.e. I have succeeded before, I can succeed again. Other motives would be working my butt off for sake of a future wage which could help those more in need. In these cases it is enough to overcome the dread but I know how much of a struggle it can be.

For the time being, keep being productive. Finding jobs, maybe taking some classes and such will only help you. Throwing yourself in the deep end by putting yourself in uncomfortable social situations is not. Once you have a job you can move out *when you feel comfortable*. Maybe take up a hobby if you feel you are wasting your time. You sound very unsettled, so for now i'd stay in your comfort zone.

Just keep persisting.

 

[Socialawkwardness101]

Thanks Kira, that's actually really helpful.