Is equality really possible in a monogamous relationship?

[coricopat]

My last post got me thinking a little bit about the nature of my relationship with the ex. While I prided myself on us being equals, I'm realizing now that that wasn't true. I was the dominant force in the relationship, especially before I got sick. After I got sick, well, I really needed him to step in and take over some and he just couldn't. He couldn't make decisions on his own, and he couldn't take a proactive role in anything.

A friend of mine, once the divorce got started was telling me how they never really like my husband, that he was like 'a puppy that followed you around everywhere'. That really shocked me, and kind of hurt me, because like I said, I placed a lot of importance on equality.

So now I'm looking at all the relationships around me and totally failing to see anything that matches my idea of what a relationship should be. It seems like in every relationship there's a dominant partner and a submissive one. The dominant one does pretty much whatever they want, and the submissive one tends to conform themselves to be what the dominant person wants them to be.

Does anybody else see this?

 

[Badjedidude]

Yup. It's pretty much just how relationships naturally end up, because people don't WORK at the relationship. If you just expect a relationship to work on its own, then of COURSE one person will end up becoming dominant and the other submissive.

Creating an equal relationship takes a lot of hard work and introspection; two things that many people seem to lack these days. As an aside, the most important key to creating an equal relationship is understanding that each partner can be strong in certain areas and weak in others...so really, ideally, each half of the relationship is both dominant AND submissive. It's about give and take, and knowing WHEN to give and when to take.

I agree with you, coricopat...I do honestly believe that most relationships and pairings are uneven, with one person dominant and the other submissive. It's an easy track to fall into if you're not paying attention...but if you're wary and honest, then I think it's not something that's completely unavoidable.

 

[coricopat]

I like what you said, BJD about the ideal requiring both dominance and submission at times. That's how I feel also. Each person has their own strengths and weakness, but the sum total should pretty much balance out.

If it's possible though, which you seem to think it is--with enough work, then why can't I find such a relationship? I don't even mean for myself, I just mean in general. Looking at all my family and friends I can't find one example. That just seems wrong to me. And I'm not saying all these people are in bad relationships. Some of them are very happy with the way things are, or at least seem to be.

 

[Badjedidude]

Well, there's nothing inherently WRONG with a relationship that's "unbalanced"....as it's all a matter of preference, really. Some women like to be submissive and not have to make decisions, letting their men rule the household, so to speak. Likewise, some guys prefer to be the submissive ones, eagerly following their women around, not worrying about decisions, only wanting to please their partner.

If that sort of thing works for a couple, then really...there's nothing wrong with it as long as no one's being abused or completely dominated to the point of psychological damage.

Personally, I'm a fairly aggressive-minded, stubborn, organized guy...but I wouldn't want to be with a submissive woman. I want a woman who's just as stubborn as me, willing to fight me to the death if she has to in order to get her point across. That sounds amazingly violent, but I'm sure you know what I mean. I wouldn't WANT a relationship in which I was dominant over the woman.

But I also think it's OK for couples who DO want that kind of dominant-submissive relationship. I'm sort of talking in circles now, so I'll just sum up with this:

If it works for someone, then I don't think it's necessarily a "bad" thing.

 

[nerdygirl]

Really, I think that for relationships that are successful, there has to be balance. One person might have the power, but the other person has to grant that power.

I'm a very dominating person. Things have to go according to my will, or there's a problem. That said, relationships would never work if I was expected to control everything. I am reticent, absent minded, emotionally challenged, and rarely affectionate. So if he didn't initiate conversation, remind me of things that are important to him, force me to analyze my feelings, and touch me first... there would be no way for a relationship to last.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Well this is the way i see it.
First and formost thinking that a relationship should be like this or like that...really messed up my relationships with women.
Kind of like saying...this is normal or there's normal people when nobody can actaully pin piont exaclty what normal is.
It's kind of like expecting the sunset to look the same everyday or trying to be the wheather man predicting the weather...
They say it might rain today..stating the obvious becuase it's really, really cloudy..but just becuase it's cloudy dosn't neccessary
means it going rain. Their chances of being correct is about 50/50.
Well fresia me with a screw driver the chances of me being correct in anything is around 50/50 too, especially when it pretains to relationships.
Anyway...what it should be or ought to be is competing and compairing behaviors...which is unhealthy.
There's what it is....for you.

Second, your freind is going to side with you. Emotionally support you. You can simply take it for what it is and not aynalize it.
Do you really know what is he's motive is for saying that???...I'm just saying

Third..anything is possible.

Forth...you havn't met your match yet (hahahaaa..ironic ain't it).
You need a guy like me in your life...if you think you're that dominating. I'll rock your world in more ways than one.
I'll let you do whatever you want and have people think your the boss of me, if it pleases you. but ultimately you're just going melt and let go when i do things that I do.
It'll drive you crazy to lose all control..but it'll be a releave for you as well. It has a lot more to do than sex, but sex do play a role.
Here are the facts..every women that i had relationships with, all wants me back in their lives. Once you have a tates of me, you're done
I drove all of them crazzzy in more ways than one, but they like it.

 

[cheaptrickfan]

I agree with several of the other posters here. An imbalance of power can arise when both people stop making efforts. I guess you can say that it defaults to a certain dynamic, depending on the personalities involved. Now for some people that may be totally satisfactory, but all it needs is for one of the party to be dissatisfied for that to cause trouble.

My ex used to say that as long as you both try to give 80% of the relationship effort, things will work out. If someone starts slacking off though, at some point the imbalance grows, and so can the resentment.

I think that in a relationship where both people are considerate of the other's needs and wishes, that a balance is quite possible.

 

[mintymint]

I don't mind relationships that end up being 7:3 or 8:2, a lot of times that's how the dynamic between two people works itself out. Don't get me wrong, both parties always have equal responsibility in the relationship, but usually one person takes on the proactive leadership role and I'm ok with that. And I'm fine being there for her 9 out of ten times, as long as she knows to be there for me the remaining 1. One thing I've learned though: don't assume someone can pull their weight in a relationship if you've never seen them do it. That was a painful mistake... I mean life experience... right BJD?

 

[Badjedidude]

@_@ why are you asking meeeeeee? lol You trying to say something, buddy?

 

[mintymint]

@_@ why are you asking meeeeeee? lol You trying to say something, buddy?

Lol I'm single now, but haven't given up. Yay for life experience!

I was referencing your enduring positivity BJD

 

[Badjedidude]

Hahaha....alrighty then.

 

[VanillaCreme]

Considering I prefer a dominant guy, for me, no. A dude who wasn't dominant liked me, and I just wasn't attracted to him at all. His personality just didn't click with mine, and he just ended up irritating me immensely. Needless to say, I didn't care to be with him. It's like having two of the same side magnets and forcing them together. They won't go. Opposites do attract in a sense.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

It's just freaken habits. Somedays we can lead other days we don't have to. We alter roles all the time.
If you were dominated of the fucken time...it's also your fucken fualt by not allowing your partner to make decisions
or take lead. It becomes a habit, then it becomes patterns.

If you simply allow your partner to make certain decisions every so often. Your partner will learn how to make
decisions for the both of you without you going ape honeysuckle with the my way or the highway bullshit.
You can simply incorpate it into your life. Take baby steps such as allowing your partner to make a decision what's for dinner,
what movie to watch. If you were dominate all the time...you might hear "ID fucken know, you make the decisions, you do it all the time"..take notices or observe.
You might even get a knee jerk reactions the first several times your partner starts making decisions.
If you are the dominated one...this is were you need to work on.

If you are the submidsive type..you must learn to make decisions and be allowed to make mistakes as you go through a learning curve.

FFS it can't be that complicate can it. The same gose for love. I you want to love someone...you must also
allow the other person to love you.

It's the same as gift exchanging. Recieving is giving. You must allow the other person to give. It has very little
to do with the gifts itself...It's you allowing or giving your partner the opportunity to give.

It's even same with sex. You wanna be pleased, you must allow the other person to please you.
You have also give back in return. Women in my life tells me to tie them up.
They are very dominated outside of the bedroom. Our sexuality keeps thing in balance. It has little to do with the sex itself.
Ok..maybe over the top for some people but you do it just the same when you let your partner get on top of ya..or when a woman get on top of a guy and rides him.

It still gose back to in trusting someone to not hurt you. If you are a dominate personality. The bottom line is you're living fears. Fear dominates you.
You fear losing control. You fear getting hurted..so you make decisions and controll everything all the time. In a nutshell you don't trust your partner.

A relationship is not all about you.

It's just simple communitcations

 

[coricopat]

One thing I've learned though: don't assume someone can pull their weight in a relationship if you've never seen them do it. That was a painful mistake... I mean life experience...

Yes. Painful.

 

[Brian]

On an emergency scene there is an Incident Commander, and his underlings. The underlings do what he says because he's the leader, and if they're all doing their own thing then it all falls apart. Sometimes there are Group or Section Leaders depending on the needs of the Incident, and the tree can branch out to include a ton of positions that we won't go in to. Some Incident Commanders yell really loud and breathe down your neck and stomp around; others are pretty calm.

I've never really been in a relationship and now that I've finished that paragraph I have NO IDEA where I'm going with the analogy.

 

[Badjedidude]

LOL nice...well, if you'll permit me, I'll use the basework of the analogy that you set up, Brian.

I think the analogy sort of means that EVERY relationship has a dominant side and a submissive side....but that sometimes the dominant side can run things in a NON-dominant way. Or the submissive side can be submissive in a dominant fashion. This also shows how relationships vary from person to....

....you know what? It's just not working. I totally screwed that up.

Maybe someone else can figure it out.

 

[Brian]

Yeah, you did. But we're getting closer. Which is teamwork. And that plays in to the analogy also.


At least, I think it does.


RELATIONSHIPS ARE TEAMWORK

EVEN THOUGH ONE SIDE MIGHT BE MORE OF THE LEADER BOTH SIDES ARE CRUCIAL

JUST LIKE ON A CAR WRECK

WHICH A RELATIONSHIP IS ALSO SOMETIMES LIKE










WELCOME TO THE TWILIGHT ZONE

 

[VanillaCreme]

Yeah, you did. But we're getting closer. Which is teamwork. And that plays in to the analogy also.


At least, I think it does.


RELATIONSHIPS ARE TEAMWORK

EVEN THOUGH ONE SIDE MIGHT BE MORE OF THE LEADER BOTH SIDES ARE CRUCIAL

JUST LIKE ON A CAR WRECK

WHICH A RELATIONSHIP IS ALSO SOMETIMES LIKE










WELCOME TO THE TWILIGHT ZONE

Lol.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Onething that my fiancee said that made a lot of sense.
"I want to have a partnership with you"
"I don't want to stand in your way"
"I don't want to stand behind you"
"I juat want to share my life with you"

Too bad she was a pyscho *****.lol

it's the the yin and yan symbal Jedidude...
It's like having sex...man.
In and out...in and out.lol
You slide in then you slide out...
Breathe in....breathe out as the relationship moves forward

 

[coricopat]

LOL.

Alright, let me rephrase my question some, to take it out of the theoretical realm.

Do you know of a relationship where the partners truly treat each other as equals?