S
SophiaGrace
Guest
I was sitting in math class having feelings of despair.
I think I truely am sick of my parents telling me I have to go to college. I don't like college. I've never liked college. Every semester I tell them I want to drop out. I am not listened to. I go back every semester. I have suicidal ideations. I've gone through half hearted suicide attempts in semesters past. Half of these things my parents don't realize. I have told them about my suicidal ideations but my mom just mocks me saying "so when you get a bad grade you think about killing yourself." Like I am being weak or something. Well mom if you had read the suicide letters I wrote to the family and then burned...(but I can't tell you, because you wouldn't understand)
but I can't tell anyone about how I feel. I keep it inside because I realize that most people do not understand the pain, how to address it and also they just don't want to hear about it.
This is totally not normal for someone to go through when in college I think. It's not normal to put rocks in a pair of pants to help you drown better, it's not normal to have to talk yourself out of an SSRI overdose while you are already drunk, it's not normal to tie a noose up in an electric cord, and then go around at night and look for a good fuckin' tree, it's not normal to go out to the end of your dock and look down into the water contemplating how you cannot swim, and then trying to run off the edge of the dock and then stopping at the last moment realizing you can't do it, it's not normal to get on a train wanting to find a hardware store nearby with some rope, and then having to (alone) talk yourself out of it and go buy a book on depression instead.
I never talk about those memories. Until now. They hurt, a lot, i am crying right now just typing them.
I wish I could just get a retail job at a movie theatre. Why must I go to college where I am put through so much emotional pain? I just don't get it. I've taken a year off. I've gone to therapy. I've gotten on meds. I've tried to set a routine up.
I just want a fuckin' retail job at a movie theatre or to be a cashier.
I know I am intelligent. I don't need anyone to tell me this. Intelligence is not enough though. There's just something within me that just falls and breaks. I can't handle stress. I can't handle schedules.
I see myself as someone that is going to have to struggle and struggle and struggle if she will ge through college at all. My parents just won't accept that I am average and ordinary (which I am).
I want to feel more in control of my life.
I am not actively having suicidal thoughts at the moment. It's just, i am having feelings of despair with finals approaching.
I am going to try to concentrate on the party I will have when college is over with. That's a happy thing to think about. I am also going to try to make a list of the things I need to do this week and next.
Wish me luck. Sorry for the woe is me crap. It's just hard keeping it all inside sometimes.
I think I truely am sick of my parents telling me I have to go to college. I don't like college. I've never liked college. Every semester I tell them I want to drop out. I am not listened to. I go back every semester. I have suicidal ideations. I've gone through half hearted suicide attempts in semesters past. Half of these things my parents don't realize. I have told them about my suicidal ideations but my mom just mocks me saying "so when you get a bad grade you think about killing yourself." Like I am being weak or something. Well mom if you had read the suicide letters I wrote to the family and then burned...(but I can't tell you, because you wouldn't understand)
but I can't tell anyone about how I feel. I keep it inside because I realize that most people do not understand the pain, how to address it and also they just don't want to hear about it.
This is totally not normal for someone to go through when in college I think. It's not normal to put rocks in a pair of pants to help you drown better, it's not normal to have to talk yourself out of an SSRI overdose while you are already drunk, it's not normal to tie a noose up in an electric cord, and then go around at night and look for a good fuckin' tree, it's not normal to go out to the end of your dock and look down into the water contemplating how you cannot swim, and then trying to run off the edge of the dock and then stopping at the last moment realizing you can't do it, it's not normal to get on a train wanting to find a hardware store nearby with some rope, and then having to (alone) talk yourself out of it and go buy a book on depression instead.
I never talk about those memories. Until now. They hurt, a lot, i am crying right now just typing them.
I wish I could just get a retail job at a movie theatre. Why must I go to college where I am put through so much emotional pain? I just don't get it. I've taken a year off. I've gone to therapy. I've gotten on meds. I've tried to set a routine up.
I just want a fuckin' retail job at a movie theatre or to be a cashier.
I know I am intelligent. I don't need anyone to tell me this. Intelligence is not enough though. There's just something within me that just falls and breaks. I can't handle stress. I can't handle schedules.
I see myself as someone that is going to have to struggle and struggle and struggle if she will ge through college at all. My parents just won't accept that I am average and ordinary (which I am).
I want to feel more in control of my life.
I am not actively having suicidal thoughts at the moment. It's just, i am having feelings of despair with finals approaching.
I am going to try to concentrate on the party I will have when college is over with. That's a happy thing to think about. I am also going to try to make a list of the things I need to do this week and next.
Wish me luck. Sorry for the woe is me crap. It's just hard keeping it all inside sometimes.