My Letter To Those Who Don't Understand My Social Problems

[diane85]

I have dealt with social interaction problems for my most of my life. I have a hard time making friends and connecting with people. I have anxiety problems and when I try to interact with people, I just end up acting awkward. Many people can't understand where I'm coming from. So this my letter to them.

You have never been left out of anything in your life.

You probably don't know what it is like, to try to get into a group conversation and have others ignore you or talk over you.

You don't know what it is like to be left out by your friends and relatives.

You don't know how painful it is to be at home, while knowing that your relatives and friends are out having fun and they didn't extend an invitation to you.

You don't know what it is like to get tense and nervous, when you try to approach other people.

 

[Sci-Fi]

Nail meet head. That is so true.

 

[beans]

I had all these problems as you did. Always left out. I remembered once in a group, my friends secretly planned a holiday trip and didn't invite me. It broke my heart, I cried for days. But I know why they didn't. Because I was usually sad, awkward, didn't know how to have a good time and occasionally, I'd walk away from the group.


From my experience, I can tell you that when you carry all these thoughts about yourself e.g nobody likes me, nobody wants to talk to me, I can't even say anything right, I'm uninteresting, I'm not worth to be anybody's friend, most times, people can smell it and it makes them aware of you because they don't know if you are a relaxed person and if you would enjoy THEIR company. You are worried that they don't enjoy your presence, but really, people can also see that you will not likely have a good time with them so that's why they don't invite you for things.


I notice in social groups, the most relaxed, happy, and comfortable person always gets invited for endless events. They don't need to be super confident or extroverted but at least they have a smiling face, and looks relaxed and they look like they are having a good time.


How often do you smile, how often do you look like you're having a good time?

This is important because when people want to include you in a group, they're afraid that you won't have a good time, and it makes them feel bad and that's why people really only invite certain kinds of people they are comfortable with.

I remember once at a social outing, there was this girl who didn't really talk to everyone, but she talked to a few, always had a sweet smiling face was friendly to a few (she wasn't friendly to all).

And next thing I know, another one of my friend was organizing a karaoke, and she said "Hey let's invite X (that girl). She seems fun and nice."


Fun does not mean you go around jumping on tables and dancing away or doing something foolish or stupid. Fun just means you are relaxed, and you look like you really love meeting people and you're comfortable in your own skin.

 

[Sci-Fi]

What Beans said is true, I can be a very social person when I'm comfortable or around people I like. Just ask some of my customers, they'll probably tell you I'm very talkative. My bosses son tries to invite me to parties he has, I never go because there is like a 10 year age difference between us, and that would just be uncomfortable. I'd feel like an old pervert, lol. He never invited some of the other guys, cause he either didn't like them or they weren't very sociable at work. But get me outside of work and I am incredibly shy and antisocial, especially in large groups, the dark corner where no one will see me is where I like to go.

Sometimes that jumping on the couch kind of person always gets invited too though, cause you know they will liven things up if they get stale. My part timer is like that, and he's always getting invited to parties and is very sociable.

 

[HappyYogi]

Others get left out of family parties?

I thought that was only me!

I think having your family not invite you is the worst. They are the ones who are supposed to accept you for who you are.

 

[oopsiedoop]

I came to this forum just now having very much the same thoughts, so I won't start a new thread. I am nervous about being nervous, basically. Saturday I said a few things to a couple of people I know from a distance for years. They were nice to me. So thinking about it today I was wondering if they know I am phobic or what do they think of me that I never talk to them. I mean, they don't talk to me either though, though I think they tried a little bit early on and I was just too intimidated to follow up on their cues. Do they think I'm just too shy to have a conversation with? Do they know I'm dying inside that I can't do it? Do they think I'm not interested? I thought about telling them I have social anxiety, that if I explained myself somehow things would go better, but that would make me out to be mental and then they'd never want to talk to me. So it's like I actually have to hide that and I think that makes the problem worse. I don't want people to know how nervous I am.

 

[Lost Drifter]

You probably don't know what it is like, to try to get into a group conversation and have others ignore you or talk over you.

You don't know how painful it is to be at home, while knowing that your relatives and friends are out having fun and they didn't extend an invitation to you.

These two right here are some of the hardest things to describe to someone but I’m betting that quite a few of us on here know how it feels. Not being listened to, or not feeling like your presence is ever acknowledged, can deliver a such huge blow to the confidence and the more it occurs the more people think its acceptable to do it. This is a form of mental bullying but the second you speak up about it, even in a friendly tone, you’re made to feel like the bad guy for breaking the peace.

As for relatives, the last family gathering I was invited to was back in 2008 and they made it clear that I was no longer useful to them and my position had been ‘filled’ by someone else who had married into the family. I always felt like an outsider but seeing those feelings turn into reality really hit hard. As it stands now the only way I know what’s going on (such as parties or vacations) is from neighbours or colleagues who know my family. A lot of the time they actually know more than me.

I share your pain my friend, I really do.