Need Advice on Relationship

[AutumgGypsy]

I've been in a long distance relationship for 3 years now. My boyfriend is a very sweet and kind person, who is generous and good natured. Aside from the obvious issues (we don't get to spend a lot of time together) I feel like we have a lot of trouble connecting to one another. He doesn't like to deal with heavy emotions and our relationship has become very superficial. I kid around that he only has two emotions: stressed and content. I'm very moody and like excitement and he is very stable and prefers security.
About a year ago we started having problems when he became very distant from me. The more I pushed, the more he pulled away. We would go close to two weeks without saying a thing to each other, and he seemed ok with it. At one point I finally got out of him that the reason he was so distant was because he felt I was so unhappy all the time, that he couldn't make me happy (making him feel like a failure). His way of dealing with this was to pull away and ignore me, which obviously made me more upset, and this viscous cycle kept going around. He decided we should end our relationship because of this. I felt completely wrecked over this because I feel as though he rejected me, the real me, because I wasn't perfect and "happy" enough for him.
Once I found out how he felt, I pulled back a bit and started hiding my emotions from him. We went back to having really banal conversations and daily chit chat. Now I feel like there is giant canyon between us, and he has been happier than ever in our relationship. Instead of being distant, he's always texting and calling me. I'm completely dumbfounded because I can't understand why he can't see how things really are between us or the fact that he is content to be in such a superficial relationship. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place, because I know we are doomed as things are. But if I try to resolve this conflict or open up to him about anything personal, I know he's just going to head for the hills again. Other than this, we don't have any problems and I can't tell if I'm being reasonable or not over this.

I'm lost and confused over this one

 

[Edward W]

Hi Gypsy!

It is hard, I don't always tell those close to me everything that I'm thinking or feeling, but thats my choice. I'd like to think those who are closest to us can be there for us, supporting us when need it.

It does sound like you are unhappy and pretending not to be, and that can't work long term and could even turn into resentment.

You have to do what makes you happy, and that you can liive with.

 

[AutumgGypsy]

Hi Edward!

I can see not telling those close to you everything. Unfortunately, I don't feel I have anyone I can tell anything to. You're completely right in that it is turning into resentment. I want to save this relationship so badly but I don't know how.

 

[Jocsaint]

That's a really tough situation you have here. I'm sorry to say this, but from what I gather, you two just don't seem compatible with each other. You both want totally different things in a relationship and either you're happy and he isn't or he is happy and you aren't. It's a bit dysfunctional.

 

[Okiedokes]

You want to be with someone who will want you around whether you are happy or depressed. I can understand him being frustrated if you aren't happy but you also can't fake who you are also. And there's nothing wrong with that also...being down. We all get that way and some people just like to stick around when the sun shines.

 

[EveWasFramed]

I think it's a personality thing. Some people can't be around others when they're feeling down. It sometimes even causes the other person have a lot of anxiety. I know it's difficult, but please try to remind yourself that your partner isn't a replacement for a therapist. Not suggesting you need one, but sometimes a person's partner may feel like they're being used as one. It puts a fairly large burden on the other person at times.

 

[AutumgGypsy]

Yea I think you guys are right about us not being compatible. I've raised this point to him before, and he thinks we are totally meant for each other. I guess maybe we do just have different views on what we want in our relationship. The things that upsets me is I really don't feel I go on and on about my problems to him. I could understand dumping serious issues on him everyday, but even little things seem to make him clammed up. It's gotten the point I can't even joke about something, (like Haha, I'm the black sheep of the family!) without him getting distant and quiet. For close to a year now, I haven't told him a single feeling I've had or deep emotion of mine. I just lie about how I feel, and pretend to be happy. And I realize how dysfunctional that is now that I type that out. I'm confused as to how he can be so happy in a relationship like this.

 

[painter's radio]

Reminds me of a relationship I was in once. I don't mind if my partner is sometimes, or often depressed or unhappy. But I felt a lot of the time she was blaming her unhappiness on me and I didn't think it was fair and she needed some more independence. It's not very nice to be told everyday that last night she had a nightmare about how you were sleeping with someone else or ignoring her and she was in tears etc etc. It gets too much to bear after a while, and after that even the little things will still be prodding that open wound. So yeah, if anything like that is going on, I agree with Eve - maybe consider therapy or at least someone else you can confide in rather than your boyfriend.

As much as I hate relationship games and such, there seems to be a bit of a push and pull, cat and mouse thing going on with you two. Notice how when he withdraws, you want to push harder, and when you withdraw, he texts you more? Finding a balance would be good. Love each other, but don't be in each other's pockets 24/7. Even if you're in a long distance relationship, where it feels like you never spend any time together anyway, the same rules still apply. No one should really have to play games or withhold anything from their partners, but I do think some people need more independence in their relationships than others. Be strong, do many things for yourself and try not to rely on him to make you happy.

 

[9006]

I think long distance relationship's are really hard ("normal" relationships are hard enough), and clearly good communication is very important, you're not going to see each other as much as you would if it was local, so resolving matters or problems is more difficult. And aside from this, you's seem to want different things, I don't know the details, but based on this I'd be lying if I said you sounded like a compatible couple.

I think you should weigh up your relationship and make a decision based on this, because ultimately, do you want to waste your time kidding yourself, trying to make it work?

 

[ladyforsaken]

I've been in a long distance relationship for 3 years now. My boyfriend is a very sweet and kind person, who is generous and good natured. Aside from the obvious issues (we don't get to spend a lot of time together) I feel like we have a lot of trouble connecting to one another. He doesn't like to deal with heavy emotions and our relationship has become very superficial. I kid around that he only has two emotions: stressed and content. I'm very moody and like excitement and he is very stable and prefers security.
About a year ago we started having problems when he became very distant from me. The more I pushed, the more he pulled away. We would go close to two weeks without saying a thing to each other, and he seemed ok with it. At one point I finally got out of him that the reason he was so distant was because he felt I was so unhappy all the time, that he couldn't make me happy (making him feel like a failure). His way of dealing with this was to pull away and ignore me, which obviously made me more upset, and this viscous cycle kept going around. He decided we should end our relationship because of this. I felt completely wrecked over this because I feel as though he rejected me, the real me, because I wasn't perfect and "happy" enough for him.
Once I found out how he felt, I pulled back a bit and started hiding my emotions from him. We went back to having really banal conversations and daily chit chat. Now I feel like there is giant canyon between us, and he has been happier than ever in our relationship. Instead of being distant, he's always texting and calling me. I'm completely dumbfounded because I can't understand why he can't see how things really are between us or the fact that he is content to be in such a superficial relationship. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place, because I know we are doomed as things are. But if I try to resolve this conflict or open up to him about anything personal, I know he's just going to head for the hills again. Other than this, we don't have any problems and I can't tell if I'm being reasonable or not over this.

I'm lost and confused over this one

*speechless*

I think it's a personality thing. Some people can't be around others when they're feeling down. It sometimes even causes the other person have a lot of anxiety. I know it's difficult, but please try to remind yourself that your partner isn't a replacement for a therapist. Not suggesting you need one, but sometimes a person's partner may feel like they're being used as one. It puts a fairly large burden on the other person at times.

Eve, you make a very good point here.

No one should really have to play games or withhold anything from their partners, but I do think some people need more independence in their relationships than others. Be strong, do many things for yourself and try not to rely on him to make you happy.

Sometimes it's just so difficult though.. when you're facing it yourself. You may just feel tired of dealing with the friction that you decide to just keep your emotions aside for the sake of a smooth going relationship. And to find that balance.. how? Lol. Wish relationships were.... easier.

I think you should weigh up your relationship and make a decision based on this, because ultimately, do you want to waste your time kidding yourself, trying to make it work?

..... yeah.

 

[AutumgGypsy]

Thanks for the input everyone. It helps to get these thoughts of my head and hear what everyone else has to say. It might just be time to let it go.

I really appreciate all the comments from everybody.

 

[Jocsaint]

Thanks for the input everyone. It helps to get these thoughts of my head and hear what everyone else has to say. It might just be time to let it go.

I really appreciate all the comments from everybody.

It's always hard to end a relationship. We'll all be here if you need an open ear, so to speak.

 

[ladyforsaken]

Thanks for the input everyone. It helps to get these thoughts of my head and hear what everyone else has to say. It might just be time to let it go.

I really appreciate all the comments from everybody.

It's always hard to end a relationship. We'll all be here if you need an open ear, so to speak.

Ditto. Good luck AutumGypsy.