Not sure what to do

[It'sabeautifullife]

About 2 months ago my fiance was texting my friend and telling her how bad he wanted to have sex with her and that he's wanted to for a long time, and that went on all weekend until she told me about it on monday night. I confronted him about it and he said he thought we were breaking up so he wanted someone else to want him. I had no idea that we were on the verge of breaking up. We broke up, but eventually got back together. He told me he was so sorry and it would never happen again because he loves me so much.
Then the other day I found facebook messages to his friends ex-girlfriend. He was telling her that he's sorry he missed out on his chance to be with her, because I guess they could have been together when we broke up, and that he still liked her and wanted to go see her (she lives 2 hours away). He said his friend asked him to talk to her because she was suicidal, but that was a lie, and he just went out of his way to talk to her. He keeps telling me how sorry he is and that he just wants us to be together, but I don't know if I should give him another chance. He said he wants to go to therapy or counseling because he's "messed up/messed up".
Anyway, so we've been broken up for like 2 1/2 weeks, which isn't that long, but we've been together for 2 years and lived together most of that time. He said that he was lying to the girls both times because he wanted them to say yes to him and to like him. He recently told me that he was feeling really bad about himself and wanted someone else to like him and blaaaaahhhh. It's just really frustrating because it makes me feel like I'm not enough.

Long story, but my dilemma is whether or not I should keep him in my life or just been done with it? I'm not saying that we'd be getting back together like right now, but I just don't know what to do. I want to believe him and I want things to be good again, but there's nothing stopping him from talking to another girl if we're fighting and he's feeling bad about himself again.

 

[Monster]

WHAT???? COME ON..... wow you need to stay away from him!!!!! You can't seem to even trust yourself less him on staying away from a horrible relationship like that. He will continue to be the way he is right, just because he can. He doesn't CARE that he is hurting anyone by being unfaithfull and unloyal to one girl. It doesn't matter that you dedicated 2 years of your life to him, you need to find someone better and not be just another one of his girls to screw around with, regardless if your the one thats closest to him. To him your just another, I'm a guy, hopefully a good one to tell you things how they really are. Take care

 

[ShybutHi]

Why are you with a guy who would do such things. Rose-tinted glasses?

Seriously this guy sounds like such an unbelievable jerk. Find a nice guy who actually respects you otherwise you are probably just going to get hurt even more.

 

[grainofrice24]

I don't know the details of your situation, so if this sounds absurd...chances are it probably is...and you can disregard. But the beauty of a forum is I can harmlessly give my opinion and if you think it's dumb you can just think "grainofrice is a halfwit".

I've heard other guys mention this idea of "the thrill of the chase". It's wanting to conquer as many women as possible that stems from the biological (and primitive) imperative of the human male. It might be that he is just trying to gain approval from other women which is brought out by the prospect of being engaged/getting married and the door closing on his opportunity to "conquer" more women. It's kind of like getting cold feet...you're scared and nervous and do stupid things...but in the end you say "I do". Personally, I can't identify with this mentality AT ALL, but the thought struck me when I read your story and perhaps it's something to consider before closing the book on a 2 year long relationship.

On the other hand, from your description he sounds like the kind of guy who would cheat on you. You be the judge.

 

[iris]

Basically, you have two choices - to dump him, or to stay with him, eventually marry him and later get cheated on (probably) many occasions. Think about how that will make you feel, think you will probably have children with him one day and if you will then want to leave him, that will make it much harder. If you don't feel hurt by him attempts to cheat on you, then don't give up on this relationship.

 

[moonlight07]

hi there,

i would say that relationships need a lot of ongoing work. you mentioned that you have been together for two years. Out of two years these are the only two occasions he lied to you / went behind your back.

At a personal level a lot of other things may have been happening for your boyfriend, such as his low self esteem, his feelings of rejection (whether past or present), insecurity (the need to know he will not be alone and he will always have some one in his life - possible reason for him to line up another girl friend). At least he is expressing himself to you - he has told you that he is not feeling good about him self and that he wants others to like him - listen to him - he is wanting help. He is even prepared to go to counseling.

First thing you need to ask each other what do you expect from this relationship. Do you want to be together? if yes, please see a relationship counsellor and your boyfriend may need independent counseling to overcome his personal issues. Once he is feeling good about himself and he is committed to you, you have a better chance of having a good relationship with him.

girlfriend / boyfriend relationships or marriages need constant work. It is easy to break up but to remain in a long term relationship, it requires ongoing nurturing work to work through relationship issues. Every relationship has problems. If it is not this relationship it would be the next one. Instead of running away from problems, find a solution and resolve it. It is very important in a relationship that both parties are committed in a relationship towards each other and want the relationship to work, otherwise, no amount of counseling would save the relationship.

By the way how old are you two? Have you both had previous relationships with other partners?

Good luck

Cheers

Moon

 

[Luna]

I hurt for you just reading that...
He either has to try to seriously get help or you have to move on.
Sometimes, it could be YEARS, DECADES for someone to heal from their self-esteem issues. Some people never heal at all.
Ask yourself this: Is he worth it? Am I willing to suffer for it?

I understand that there are people who have self-esteem issues - it depends on what it is. I think he has greatly disrespected you that because of his self-esteem issues he goes running around telling various women he'd like to f*** them or be with them.
What if those women had said "Yes" or were interested back in him? What if it's just an excuse?
Why does he need to seek approval from other women??? Surely it is your approval that he should value the most!
What if he will never be happy with just you wanting him?
I also want to note there are plenty of cheap, whorish women that love sleeping with married men and will do their best to seduce him. Even if you marry him - it doesn't mean he can't stray and it will be harder to leave him then.

Really think it through. But there are respectful men out there that can make you feel like it's only you that matters. I find it hard to find such men...but they're out there somewhere.