Proactive searching for love is NOT desperate!

[Alonewith2cats]

This post is only for people seriously looking for love. If you're happily single, disregard my post.

We live in a strange culture that seems to confuse the basic human need to love and be loved with being desperate. Talk to some random person about your single status, how you feel about it, and how you would like to meet someone special to share your life with and they might tell you the same old annoying cliches like "It will happen when you least expect it" or "It happens when you're not looking" or "You have to be happy alone before you can be happy with someone." I personally declare this unwanted advice as bull honeysuckle. I don't listen to it. And I personally believe that the older you are the more you should reject it because there are only so many years in a lifetime and you have to go for what you want before you lie on your death bed. It's o.k. to admit to yourself that you don't want to be alone and do whatever you can to change that.

Some people are lucky and for them it does happen when they're not looking or even thinking about it. But the honest truth is that for many others it will never happen without effort. In life we have to be proactive about getting what we want. Things don't just fall into our laps. We don't get jobs without actively seeking them. We don't make friends without making an effort to talk to people. We can't learn a new language without making an effort to study it every day. So it's no different for love. If you are proactive and persistent about finding love and making a serious effort to get out into the world and meet people you are not being desperate. You're only desperate if you latch on to someone out of need instead of choosing someone out of love which of course leads to a loveless relationship. Not all of us lonely, single people are this stupid. I know I'm not. I'm 40 so this is the second half of my life and I'm going to use it wisely. I also believe that this attitude is empowering because you'll persevere and persist and keep going no matter how many people you have to meet, what you have to do and no matter how long it takes. Even if you don't meet the love of your life until you're over 50, So what? It's still worth it when you finally do find it. I believe this attitude of perseverance actually prevents desperation because you really are reaching for the golden prize, real love. You're not just accepting whatever crumbs you can get. That's for desperate people.

 

[Peaches]

Amen, sister

 

[jaguarundi]

I agree . . I too have heard that old line, you will find love when you are not looking, and I can say that to some extent it is absolute bollocks. What I will say however is that it is true, if and only if, you redefine 'looking.'.

Looking for love in a way that makes this weathered old saying true, means viewing every person you meet in the unreal as maybe desperate hope that this is your meant-to-be soulmate. Even people who quite obviously are not right for you, or you for them. It means foolishly and prematurely visualising being married to a person after you have only exchanged a few words with them, even before you have actually met them, and all those kinds of behaviour that might be classed as desperate, and will very likely show in your attitude as desperate.

What looking does not, and should not mean is sitting around bemoaning your fate and doing .. Nothing. Which is what this saying actually sounds like you should do. And that really is a heap of stupid shite. Trying to find someone is NOT desperate.

You have got to put yourself in the way of meeting people, people of the gender you want for your SO. If that means online dating, marriage bureau singles nights or whatever - do it. If you sit around doing nothing you ain't gonna get what you want, despite the empty promise this saying seems to contain.

You might not find anyone if you look 'desperate' .. You will not find anyone if you don't look at all

 

[Wanderer145]

'Love can happen anywhere at any time!' Who makes up this bullshit? I totally agree with the fact of if you want something you go out and get it instead of waiting around for it. If you're a man sitting around waiting is the absolute worst option, mostly men have to initiate the contact and if you're not looking you won't find it. Unless you are very lucky.

I also dont agree with 'you'll find it when you least expect it'. There are many moments in life you're not thinking about it or where you are some place and you're with people but it just does not work that way for everybody. I always wonder sometimes if I'm deep in thought and not actively thinking about finding a partner that that person will suddenly just appear? It is a matter of being pro active you never get what you want with the not looking option, if you do it will be what the other person is looking for and not making a mutual connection.

 

[ardour]

It's like a veiled comment on your worth ie. if you were good enough you wouldn't have to look.

Western/Anglo culture - particularly the North American variety- being so individualistic and competitive, the emphasis is always on emotional independence. Sadly then, people admitting a lack in their lives will often get shamed for it or dismissed as too needy, this 'advice' being a symptom of that. Don't admit your desire, do nothing (and end up alone)

 

[Case]

I agree with you, Alonewith2cats. Being proactive is not desperation. It's calculated efficiency.

One of my problems is a lack of persistence in my dating. I get discouraged after a number of disappointments. Sometimes, I wish the disappointments didn't discourage me, but they have.

 

[jaguarundi]

It's almost like a veiled comment on your worth ie. if you were good enough you wouldn't have to look.

And in my personal experience, it was the people happily ensconced in relationships that came out with this smug crap. Grrr

 

[Zett]

This post is only for people seriously looking for love. If you're happily single, disregard my post.

Some people are lucky and for them it does happen when they're not looking or even thinking about it. But the honest truth is that for many others it will never happen without effort. In life we have to be proactive about getting what we want. Things don't just fall into our laps. We don't get jobs without actively seeking them. We don't make friends without making an effort to talk to people. We can't learn a new language without making an effort to study it every day. So it's no different for love. If you are proactive and persistent about finding love and making a serious effort to get out into the world and meet people you are not being desperate. You're only desperate if you latch on to someone out of need instead of choosing someone out of love which of course leads to a loveless relationship. Not all of us lonely, single people are this stupid. I know I'm not. I'm 40 so this is the second half of my life and I'm going to use it wisely. I also believe that this attitude is empowering because you'll persevere and persist and keep going no matter how many people you have to meet, what you have to do and no matter how long it takes. Even if you don't meet the love of your life until you're over 50, So what? It's still worth it when you finally do find it. I believe this attitude of perseverance actually prevents desperation because you really are reaching for the golden prize, real love. You're not just accepting whatever crumbs you can get. That's for desperate people.

Agreed, there's nothing wrong with looking for it. I used to subscribe to the belief of letting things come to me as fate should see to it but I stopped that when I decided I wanted to change my circumstance and go get what I want.

If putting yourself out there on forums, dating profiles, meetups is the way to increase your chances then why not? I don't see any shame in doing so and I think it's a pragmatic way to approach the matter. I do understand what you mean about the stigma of it all though, there are people out there that look down on dating sites as if it's a sign of desperation and low self worth. Obviously this is not the case and they are drawing links that don't always exist.

I believe there is someone out there looking for exactly what we're looking for and we all need to reach out and show ourselves in order to make it more likely to happen. I honestly believe there has to be at least one individual out there who is looking for the same things I'm looking for and will recognize it in the way I express myself.

Some people focus on just increasing exposure but I think the way to really go about it is to combine personal development with it. As you develop yourself and increase your self esteem (while maintaining humility) you're likely to develop really likeable traits and values. Together they make a great formula as expressed below.

As self worth (finance, health, passion) + exposure increase the chance of meeting a compatible mate increases and approaches the value 100% >_<. It may never reach 100% but it may be close enough for all practical purposes.

 

[Alonewith2cats]

Some people focus on just increasing exposure but I think the way to really go about it is to combine personal development with it. As you develop yourself and increase your self esteem (while maintaining humility) you're likely to develop really likeable traits and values. Together they make a great formula as expressed below.As self worth (finance, health, passion) + exposure increase the chance of meeting a compatible mate increases and approaches the value 100% >_<. It may never reach 100% but it may be close enough for all practical purposes.

True. I have heard the saying that a lot of people spend so much time looking for the right person that they forget to focus on being the right person.

 

[tone303]

This post is only for people seriously looking for love. If you're happily single, disregard my post.

We live in a strange culture that seems to confuse the basic human need to love and be loved with being desperate. Talk to some random person about your single status, how you feel about it, and how you would like to meet someone special to share your life with and they might tell you the same old annoying cliches like "It will happen when you least expect it" or "It happens when you're not looking" or "You have to be happy alone before you can be happy with someone." I personally declare this unwanted advice as bull honeysuckle. I don't listen to it. And I personally believe that the older you are the more you should reject it because there are only so many years in a lifetime and you have to go for what you want before you lie on your death bed. It's o.k. to admit to yourself that you don't want to be alone and do whatever you can to change that.

Some people are lucky and for them it does happen when they're not looking or even thinking about it. But the honest truth is that for many others it will never happen without effort. In life we have to be proactive about getting what we want. Things don't just fall into our laps. We don't get jobs without actively seeking them. We don't make friends without making an effort to talk to people. We can't learn a new language without making an effort to study it every day. So it's no different for love. If you are proactive and persistent about finding love and making a serious effort to get out into the world and meet people you are not being desperate. You're only desperate if you latch on to someone out of need instead of choosing someone out of love which of course leads to a loveless relationship. Not all of us lonely, single people are this stupid. I know I'm not. I'm 40 so this is the second half of my life and I'm going to use it wisely. I also believe that this attitude is empowering because you'll persevere and persist and keep going no matter how many people you have to meet, what you have to do and no matter how long it takes. Even if you don't meet the love of your life until you're over 50, So what? It's still worth it when you finally do find it. I believe this attitude of perseverance actually prevents desperation because you really are reaching for the golden prize, real love. You're not just accepting whatever crumbs you can get. That's for desperate people.

"it happens when you arent looking" is what is said when you look : "You need to put yourself out there" is said when you do not look

You see, the population is in a brainfog like hypnotic state where they just automatically say the opposite of whatever some else says, as a autonomous brain-fog reply. Test this one two forums at the same time and look at replies of both later.

And then as for the other issue you speak of, something like dependance or desperation, thats all programmed disinformation, that constitutes an attack really. We already have army and navel intelligence conducting PsyOps before needing the general population copying it in their own little ways.

 

[Triple Bogey]

who says it's desperate anyway ?
I say look for love unless you find constant rejection depressing.
I believe there is a small minority of people (mostly men) who for various reasons have no chance whatsoever.
My advice to them is forget about it and concentrate on making your life as happy as possible !

 

[jaguarundi]

Just make your life as happy as possible anyway. Win win either way.

 

[SofiasMami]

Although I'm in that happily single category, I agree. I was searching for love a few years ago online but didn't meet anyone suitable after about a year. Since I was putting a lot of time and effort into dating and not meeting anyone special, I put that on the back burner to focus instead raising my kiddo and providing a stable home for her. Maybe someday when she is grownup I will look again.
It's insulting to tell a single person that "it will happen when you least expect it" and all those other cringe-worthy cliches.

-Teresa

 

[Solivagant]

"it happens when you arent looking" is what is said when you look : "You need to put yourself out there" is said when you do not look

You see, the population is in a brainfog like hypnotic state where they just automatically say the opposite of whatever some else says, as a autonomous brain-fog reply. Test this one two forums at the same time and look at replies of both later.

^ Glad I'm not the only who's noticed.

 

[Peter.EU]

searching itself is not but if you get refused and push it too much eventually you will feel bad and your changes will decrease. best solution I believe is to be social, work on your qualities and let the nature do the trick.

 

[tone303]

"it happens when you arent looking" is what is said when you look : "You need to put yourself out there" is said when you do not look

You see, the population is in a brainfog like hypnotic state where they just automatically say the opposite of whatever some else says, as a autonomous brain-fog reply. Test this one two forums at the same time and look at replies of both later.

^ Glad I'm not the only who's noticed.

I have extensively studied the social & cognitive processes of the population, and there is a lot more than just "automatically say opposite of what person says in brain fog state without even noticing"

Theres also False Dichotomy, Zombie Aphorism, and others. A list could be made with a dash after each one, followed by the definition. A long list of either sociopathic or fallacy phenomena the population engages in. "Replying the opposite without thinking or realizing they are" is just one of many.

after seeing such a list you would see how truly sociopathic & retarded the general population is.

But no one gets offended by posts that do not apply to them, so if someone isn't of any of the cognitive & social errors I describe, they wouldnt care about this comment..

..Like non-rapists & thieves dont care about posts regarding rapists or thieves, because they aren't one, so they agree instead of get offended.

---

It's insulting to tell a single person that "it will happen when you least expect it" and all those other cringe-worthy cliches.

-Teresa

This is called a "Zombie Aphorism" Zombie means without thought, consciousness or soul... and of course aphorism means maxim or quote

A zombie aphorism is a quote that is repeated by the autonomous controlled population... something like "Happiness cant exist without sadness"

Just type "famous maxims" or "proverbs of wisdom" in google and most of the results will be zombie aphorisms, illogical fallacies that the population is programmed with.

I started off aware, but as time passed i noticed and sometimes even took some notes on habits of the population that are either innocent fallacies or sociopathies. By age 34, im certain that if we were able to explore other cultures on other planets somewhere far away, it would make Earth look like an insane asylum and that something is fundamentally wrong with humanity, even on a genetic level, if not by fluoride, heavy metal and disinformation overdosing.

 

[MermiaWow]

who says it's desperate anyway ?
I say look for love unless you find constant rejection depressing.
I believe there is a small minority of people (mostly men) who for various reasons have no chance whatsoever.
My advice to them is forget about it and concentrate on making your life as happy as possible !

I agree, but I don't think that minority is that small at all. At this point in my life I'm pretty sure I'm one of them. After taking numerous breaks and trying again only to get the same negative results, I finally decided to stop fighting fate.

 

[bender22]

who says it's desperate anyway ?
I say look for love unless you find constant rejection depressing.
I believe there is a small minority of people (mostly men) who for various reasons have no chance whatsoever.
My advice to them is forget about it and concentrate on making your life as happy as possible !

I agree, but I don't think that minority is that small at all. At this point in my life I'm pretty sure I'm one of them. After taking numerous breaks and trying again only to get the same negative results, I finally decided to stop fighting fate.

I think only people who have no chance whatsoever are those who have serious disabilities or serious mental problems (and that is a very small minority). Everyone else has a chance of finding love if they try hard enough.

 

[hazel_flagg]

I don't think it's desperate at all. I always heard 'It'll happen when you're not looking.' I always answered with 'How do I NOT look?'

 

[Ymir]

Yeah, that's bullshit... I have given up on finding a romantic relationship BUT when I didn't have yet, I was always baffled by some girls' skill to get guys flocking over them. I somehow lack this so I always took the iniciative if I was interested in someone. Gladly I wasn't called desperate for asking guys out or making the effort, but then again I never talked about my desire of having a meaninful romantic relationship.

So basically disregard people who say that kind of thing about "not looking" or whatever and move on with your life.