Why do people cheat?

[insecure]

I wonder why people actually cheat.
I mean, not the type where you happen to meet a seductive girl or boy, and you just get horny and have sex, once, and then regret it because you are in love with your current girlfriend/boyfriend.
I mean, the type where someone will have a boyfriend/girlfriend and at the same time have someone else on the side?
I found myself in this relationship recently, with the Tanzanian girl, but after a while the betrayal becomes obvious, when their interest starts to drop, and suddenly they have to "work weekends", or they are offline for almost a whole day, they change their whole appearence, etc.
Why do they keep both?
Are these people sex-addicted or are they cruel and like to play games with people?
Or is it a question of keeping the other one as a backup?
I wonder what makes people do that, they could simply say they met someone else and fell in love with that person, but they don't.

 

[okidoke]

I think you are correct in some of your assumptions, like sex addiction and backups, but also there's probably a need to be wanted, and possibly a fear of loss or even confrontation. Probably other things too. Some people have long affairs that suit all parties concerned due to financial reasons and the like, sometimes both partners in a relationship are comfortable with their parter having another significant other or sexual partner, sometimes they even make it a group dynamic. I feel like I have a reason for a second relationship, but I know it won't happen and the logistics are too complicated for me to even try. I actually have tried, but there are multiples reasons that I'm not of interest to another.

 

[Murakami_1]

I think there are multiple reasons for this.

People are addicted to thrills.
Just like you have adrenaline junkies who love rollercoasters, you have people who love the feeling of having another one around, or well love the benefits but not the burdens.

They just fell out of love or fell in love with someone else. People are complicated and this sometimes happens, the sad thing is that they then not break up but just live doubt lives.

I honestly think cheating usually doesnt come that quickly if ! partner was truly in love with someone. I would hope they'd feel guilty and just break up

I dont get people who tie others to a string and play silly games with their dedicated partner. But there could always be more than we see.

Anyway, it sucks you had to experience this, sending support.

 

[NoxApex(N/A)]

More often times than not people are in a sort of auto-pilot mode.
Meaning that most of the time they're unaware of their own sensory overload, as well as they are unaware of their own addiction to pleasures.
If you ask "what is the difference between coffee addiction and a morning routine of breakfast and coffee," there isn't a difference, the later is just rephrased to make it sound like it isn't an addiction when it is.
Humans have been doing this rephrase/reframe and normalization for really actually a very, very long time. Thousands and thousands of years, actually. So much so that we don't actually realize we're doing it when we're doing it.

While I'm not for it by any means, I am more understanding as to why it happens than I used to be.
Our monogamy is part of our social constructionism for the betterment of the shaping of the nuclear family dynamic and the sanctity of preserving and protecting a child's innocence yadayada, etc. I get it.

I think part of the problem is, people don't think with their thinkings, they think with their feelings.
So it's more of a "square peg, round hole" kind of a problem.
Social constructionism is logical, not emotional.
Love and affairs are emotional, not logical.
And therein lies the problem.

 

[insecure]

I did contact this guy, and he seemed unaware of the fact that we were still seeing each other.
So she was cheating on me, but on him as well, as we still had sex even though he thought he was the only one.
I don't blame that guy, because he didn't promise me anything, and he couldn't know she was lying to him and to me.
She was lying about more than one thing, though, on her dating profile she was supposedly 31, but when I thought about the schooling system, she must have been between 25 and 27 instead.
The strange thing is: why did she not break up with me?
She always told me the sex was good, so maybe she wasn't lying about it, or maybe she thought she could use me somehow.
Last thing she was trying to do was to get me to buy her an iPhone.
By that time the relationship was not worth a lot anymore, though.
I'm glad I didn't fall for that trap.

 

[okidoke]

I did contact this guy, and he seemed unaware of the fact that we were still seeing each other.
So she was cheating on me, but on him as well, as we still had sex even though he thought he was the only one.
I don't blame that guy, because he didn't promise me anything, and he couldn't know she was lying to him and to me.
She was lying about more than one thing, though, on her dating profile she was supposedly 31, but when I thought about the schooling system, she must have been between 25 and 27 instead.
The strange thing is: why did she not break up with me?
She always told me the sex was good, so maybe she wasn't lying about it, or maybe she thought she could use me somehow.
Last thing she was trying to do was to get me to buy her an iPhone.
By that time the relationship was not worth a lot anymore, though.
I'm glad I didn't fall for that trap.

The age thing I could understand. People don’t like giving exact details online in many places due to identity theft. Women don’t really make themselves older once they’ve passed teenhood.

 

[Unsigned]

Females are evil.
That is all.

 

[user 139760]

People are evil.
That is all.

Fix'd that for you.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Adu...States Alfred,of women, had extramarital sex.
Men are far more likely to cheat than women. Though recent studies have shown the trend is inverting. Probably has something to do with women becoming more "independent", in line with modern feminism notion. E.g doing the exact same thing as men have done for hundreds of years and thinking it's better because THEY do it. It's the exact same thing. It's still wrong.
If you can't commit, don't. It's not that hard.

 

[Unsigned]

Fix'd that for you.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Adu...States Alfred,of women, had extramarital sex.
Men are far more likely to cheat than women. Though recent studies have shown the trend is inverting. Probably has something to do with women becoming more "independent", in line with modern feminism notion. E.g doing the exact same thing as men have done for hundreds of years and thinking it's better because THEY do it. It's the exact same thing. It's still wrong.
If you can't commit, don't. It's not that hard.

 

[user 139760]

For a second, I only looked at the title, I thought I was going to hear Taylor Swift lol. When that song comes on, my dad cranks up the volume and dances in his car lol

 

[okidoke]

If you can't commit, don't. It's not that hard.

Well everyone commits in the beginning. They don’t expect to cheat, I hope. But sometimes it’s not always so simple. Sometimes you can love the person you’re with, but for certain reasons they don’t meet all your needs anymore, and they can know that.

 

[user 139760]

Well everyone commits in the beginning. They don’t expect to cheat, I hope. But sometimes it’s not always so simple. Sometimes you can love the person you’re with, but for certain reasons they don’t meet all your needs anymore, and they can know that.

It is so simple. You seperate. It's harder, sure. But if your needs aren't met, wether one or the other, and you figure you'll cheat in secret instead of trying to work things out, it's because you're not with the right person.
Have the decency to dump them instead of hurting them more when they emd up finding out. They always do.

 

[insecure]

The age thing I could understand. People don’t like giving exact details online in many places due to identity theft. Women don’t really make themselves older once they’ve passed teenhood.

I don't think you understood correctly.
On her bumble profile she was 31, in reality she was 25 to 27 max, so she was posing as older than she really was, not the other way round.
So I think she was looking for older men (45+) who would probably looking more at the 30+ women than then 20-30 age range.
The new guy is younger though.
Also need to say that she is illegally in the country, so undoubtedly there are other motives playing.

 

[insecure]

If you can't commit, don't. It's not that hard.

For me, it's more a question of being honest.
Some people have an open relation, they allow each other to see other people, have sex with them, etc.
If you know that from the start and you agree to it, then there is no cheating.
Some have "polyamorous" on their profile even.
I don't think it is easy to be a partner of such a woman, because just like men who marry several women, in the beginning you'll be the new toy boy, but once the novelty factor wears off she'll probably start seducing another guy, and spend more time with him, while you are waiting with ever more apprehension until it's your turn again.

But I guess many people think that for themselves they want variety in their sexual diet, but at the same time they are very jealous of their partners, so they will check up on them the whole time, while cheating on them.

 

[okidoke]

I don't think you understood correctly.
On her bumble profile she was 31, in reality she was 25 to 27 max, so she was posing as older than she really was, not the other way round.
So I think she was looking for older men (45+) who would probably looking more at the 30+ women than then 20-30 age range.
The new guy is younger though.
Also need to say that she is illegally in the country, so undoubtedly there are other motives playing.

No I understood what you said about her age. Yeah maybe she was aiming for older guys, who knows. If she’s illegal she doesn’t deserve any favours.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

They arent addicted to sex, they arent in love, they are just doing whatever they want to do because they do not respect you. Simple. When you stop giving excuses and trying to diagnose why someone cheats you're half way there.

But... if you want a real excuse, from a cheaters point of view, sometimes its because the person you are supposed to be with is not that good in bed. They are simply too loving and too caring, when you just want a dirty session. You love that they care about you... but because it's not an act they cant just turn the care off and give you all that you crave. Takes a lot to accept you'll never be satisfied fully ever again. Kinks are hard to share, because people will judge you, and they wont be able to just get into it because you are... So it's like your sex life and the life you want just dont align with that person.

 

[insecure]

They arent addicted to sex, they arent in love, they are just doing whatever they want to do because they do not respect you. Simple. When you stop giving excuses and trying to diagnose why someone cheats you're half way there

I'm not looking for excuses, but for reasons.
I don't see why I would need to find excuses to justify her behaviour.

But... if you want a real excuse, from a cheaters point of view, sometimes its because the person you are supposed to be with is not that good in bed. They are simply too loving and too caring, when you just want a dirty session. You love that they care about you... but because it's not an act they cant just turn the care off and give you all that you crave. Takes a lot to accept you'll never be satisfied fully ever again. Kinks are hard to share, because people will judge you, and they wont be able to just get into it because you are... So it's like your sex life and the life you want just dont align with that person.

That would explain why someone goes elsewhere, but then why don't they simply break up?
Maybe I'm too loving, that could be true.
But there are things you don't know of course.
She was illegal in the country, she wanted to be pregnant, I always used condoms.
I lived like 30 minutes from her, the other guy turns out to never use them, and lived 5 minutes from her door.
So I guess he was always available, and she probably thought she could get easily pregnant from him.
Those things explain why she would want to be with him, but not why she would keep us both.
Sometimes she would be with him, and be in a separate room talking to me, and the other way round.
Why spend all that energy in keeping both relations alive?
Why keep on lying when your partner says he thinks you're cheating?
Then maybe this is the lack of respect thing, but even then it looks like a lot of effort for something she could not keep up.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

I'm not looking for excuses, but for reasons.
I don't see why I would need to find excuses to justify her behaviour.

That would explain why someone goes elsewhere, but then why don't they simply break up?
Maybe I'm too loving, that could be true.
But there are things you don't know of course.
She was illegal in the country, she wanted to be pregnant, I always used condoms.
I lived like 30 minutes from her, the other guy turns out to never use them, and lived 5 minutes from her door.
So I guess he was always available, and she probably thought she could get easily pregnant from him.
Those things explain why she would want to be with him, but not why she would keep us both.
Sometimes she would be with him, and be in a separate room talking to me, and the other way round.
Why spend all that energy in keeping both relations alive?
Why keep on lying when your partner says he thinks you're cheating?
Then maybe this is the lack of respect thing, but even then it looks like a lot of effort for something she could not keep up.

I didnt mean you personally insecure sorry hun, I didnt make that clear I meant “you” as in figuratively they dont break up because they do what they want to do. They lie because its the only way to get what they want.

Its like, say you want a slice of cake after dinner, but the restaurant has a policy that no desserts can be ordered after your main course… you are asking, why not skip the mains and have dessert… but she wants both… so she hides the plate under the table when the waiter comes around and say shes had no mains and would like dessert please. Now you’re saying, why lie? Well if she doesn't lie she cant get what she wants. So you may think, plenty of restaurants allow you to order desserts after mains why not just go there? But shes built up loyalty points at this restaurant, they know her by name, this is where she wants to eat and sneak her desserts.

 

[Unsigned]

They arent addicted to sex, they arent in love, they are just doing whatever they want to do because they do not respect you. Simple. When you stop giving excuses and trying to diagnose why someone cheats you're half way there.

But... if you want a real excuse, from a cheaters point of view, sometimes its because the person you are supposed to be with is not that good in bed. They are simply too loving and too caring, when you just want a dirty session. You love that they care about you... but because it's not an act they cant just turn the care off and give you all that you crave. Takes a lot to accept you'll never be satisfied fully ever again. Kinks are hard to share, because people will judge you, and they wont be able to just get into it because you are... So it's like your sex life and the life you want just dont align with that person.

Good blunt answer without any sugarcoating.
That's very rare, especially from a female (I know, I know, they're not all alike, blah, blah, blah).
Anyways...Respect.

That would explain why someone goes elsewhere, but then why don't they simply break up?

Because they want the other stuff.
The caring, the cuddling, the concern being shown.
They have been programmed to believe they can "have it all". And what's more, they believe that they deserve it.

 

[insecure]

Because they want the other stuff.
The caring, the cuddling, the concern being shown.
They have been programmed to believe they can "have it all". And what's more, they believe that they deserve it.

So there is no winning this.
If I am the sweet guy, she'll take the guy who fucks her in the roughest way possible.
If I am the other guy, she'll look for a sweet guy to take on the side.
I guess the conclusion is simple: as soon as you detect such behaviour, dump the slut.