I am 23 years old, and I think loneliness for me has been a lifelong partner. I don't have many early memories, but my parents have told me I spent much of my childhood alone and often denied invitations to play. I do have some memories of wandering the playground alone during recess in early elementary school, but I also remember having fairly regular friends. I also remember finding excuses to stay inside at break to work on homework. Though I welcomed being alone, I'm not sure at what point loneliness became an issue. Relationships seem to have turned turbulent around Grade 3, after someone I was close to moved out of the education system to be home-schooled. It was difficult to maintain that relationship, anyway, because my parents did not think her family to be of "our caliber", and I took their comments very personally. Since then I had a new relationship, maybe multiple, every school year. Often I would stop hanging around with someone because my parents did not like their 'race', class, or disliked their raising (for example, I briefly had a friend who was raised by her grandparents). Often many people would leave me because they lost interest, or the relationship would dissolve because I wouldn't put effort into maintaining a connection. I spent the summers alone, and would have to start the next school year as if I was being introduced to entirely new people. In Grade 7 I was with a group of girls who treated me like an extra. One of them physically abused me, and I let her because I knew her parents were going through a divorce. I eventually left the group and her. Upon entering high school I started a relationship with a girl, who ended up being very emotionally abusive. After experiencing various panic attacks I cut communication with her - cold turkey. I spent the rest of my years in high school floating between people. Then, someone I had known for seven years throughout elementary and high school (though our relationship did not extend much beyond sitting together on the bus) died in my final year. I started university a few months later and fell deeper into depression because I had become acutely aware of the friendship I had given up by taking her for granted. I still hate myself for it. I made a couple of acquaintances over four years of university, but no long-lasting or close friendships. Many of the students in my specific program admitted to being intimidated by me, in a conversation in our final year, because I am very strong academically and in debate. It made me wish I could have turned time back again, could have started over.
I don't think I've had any close relationships where I have shared something personal, at least not for over a decade. Many people find me odd or strange, if not simply because I have a complicated or unusual way of interacting due to the lack of social experience. I am not close to my parents; I find them very invasive with the wrong intentions, such as using information about me for gossip, to degrade me, or to make sure I am following the "right" pathway. The glimmer of hope I have had is my partner, though I must be some sort of sadist for I met him online and he lives on the other side of the world. The only thing that is worse than loneliness derived from a lack of people is the pain experienced by being so close to someone emotionally and yet so far away.
I know loneliness is affecting my mental and physical health negatively. I feel pangs in my chest on a regular basis, which are not just from the anxiety that I experience. I have horrible sleeping habits and wake up often throughout the night. Last year alone I had Shingles and was hospitalized three times for other health problems. My excessive weight loss led me to pursue a gastrointestinal specialist who found no internal problems, but alerted me to the fact that the stomach and mind are connected, and when one is mentally ill they see and feel results elsewhere. The difficulty is sorting out an origin of stress, for the lack of enjoyment outside of academia produces stress, and yet the thought of placing myself in new social situations is stress-inducing as well.
In a way I feel self-deluded, because I know I have been surrounded by people and have had opportunities to strengthen relationships. At the same time I know I have been walked over by numerous people of differing social relations, including my family. I was in a private, religious education system for elementary and high school and it was a very hostile environment. I think by the time I entered university I had given up on other people. I just don't know where I've gone wrong, and how to undo this. I am commencing school again in the fall (for a Master's degree) and I do not want to repeat the same pattern.
I don't think I've had any close relationships where I have shared something personal, at least not for over a decade. Many people find me odd or strange, if not simply because I have a complicated or unusual way of interacting due to the lack of social experience. I am not close to my parents; I find them very invasive with the wrong intentions, such as using information about me for gossip, to degrade me, or to make sure I am following the "right" pathway. The glimmer of hope I have had is my partner, though I must be some sort of sadist for I met him online and he lives on the other side of the world. The only thing that is worse than loneliness derived from a lack of people is the pain experienced by being so close to someone emotionally and yet so far away.
I know loneliness is affecting my mental and physical health negatively. I feel pangs in my chest on a regular basis, which are not just from the anxiety that I experience. I have horrible sleeping habits and wake up often throughout the night. Last year alone I had Shingles and was hospitalized three times for other health problems. My excessive weight loss led me to pursue a gastrointestinal specialist who found no internal problems, but alerted me to the fact that the stomach and mind are connected, and when one is mentally ill they see and feel results elsewhere. The difficulty is sorting out an origin of stress, for the lack of enjoyment outside of academia produces stress, and yet the thought of placing myself in new social situations is stress-inducing as well.
In a way I feel self-deluded, because I know I have been surrounded by people and have had opportunities to strengthen relationships. At the same time I know I have been walked over by numerous people of differing social relations, including my family. I was in a private, religious education system for elementary and high school and it was a very hostile environment. I think by the time I entered university I had given up on other people. I just don't know where I've gone wrong, and how to undo this. I am commencing school again in the fall (for a Master's degree) and I do not want to repeat the same pattern.
