Remembering you are lonely for a reason

[BeyondShy]

The only sense that I am truly lonely is romantically. But I am lonely there because I am not trying hard enough and smart enough. I've let old stories about not being good enough, fear, and anxiety get in the way.

But I've figured out what successful people do in this area, and I know what I should be doing. I just have to follow through. I need to commit to getting a girlfriend every day until it's done, not just when I feel hopeful.

That's a good way to look at things.

 

[TheSkaFish]

That's a good way to look at things.

Thank you. The more I think about it the more I think that I have not been giving it my best effort, even when I was talking to those girls I wanted to date. I let anxiety and fear of failure get in the way from giving it my all, as well as my old story of just "not being good enough" to get what I want. I also made some stupid blunders because I was naive.

But when I think about it I think the problem is that I'm too easily shaken, and that I need to just commit to making it happen.

 

[BeyondShy]

Thank you. The more I think about it the more I think that I have not been giving it my best effort, even when I was talking to those girls I wanted to date. I let anxiety and fear of failure get in the way from giving it my all, as well as my old story of just "not being good enough" to get what I want. I also made some stupid blunders because I was naive.

But when I think about it I think the problem is that I'm too easily shaken, and that I need to just commit to making it happen.

Well I know I am easily shaken and I am the world's leader in doing that. It really bugs me at times. I already have it in my head that I am going to get laughed at, rejected, and put down. I can't compete with that.

 

[lonelyfairy]

It's always better to be alone than have people around who don't appreciate you for who you are.

 

[Sometimes]

I'll try to remind myself of this every single day. No company is better than bad company.

People still seek out validation from others regardless.

Yeah, I know I do. A serious deficit in validation can make one very needy, which only makes the problem worse, since people push overly needy people away.

 

[Queen of maniacs]

I am alone for a reason and that is to leave space for better people to fill my life. I deserve better.

That’s a good thought; you’re totally right. But you know what tortures me the most? To explain yourself, your position, to others. We (people here on the forum) realize that being alone doesn’t mean being worse. And the others… They always go like ‘Oh, if you’re so good why you’re not married?’ Or ‘Why don’t you have a boyfriend?’ And it always puzzles me how to explain that it all happens because I’m better in some way and not to offend those who is married. I don’t wanna say them that I don’t need a husband who is a drunkard or lazy or not smart enough to keep up a decent conversation. Or if I simply doesn’t like him. Because when I'm starting to tell that, the others think that I’m just too arrogant and choosy. But I just want a man whom I can fall in love with.

How do you deal with people who is not single? Do you argue with them a lot?

 

[edamame721]

I am alone for a reason and that is to leave space for better people to fill my life. I deserve better.

That’s a good thought; you’re totally right. But you know what tortures me the most? To explain yourself, your position, to others. We (people here on the forum) realize that being alone doesn’t mean being worse. And the others… They always go like ‘Oh, if you’re so good why you’re not married?’ Or ‘Why don’t you have a boyfriend?’ And it always puzzles me how to explain that it all happens because I’m better in some way and not to offend those who is married. I don’t wanna say them that I don’t need a husband who is a drunkard or lazy or not smart enough to keep up a decent conversation. Or if I simply doesn’t like him. Because when I'm starting to tell that, the others think that I’m just too arrogant and choosy. But I just want a man whom I can fall in love with.

How do you deal with people who is not single? Do you argue with them a lot?

Unfortunately, I get angry which is not a good reaction. It's still sensitive to me because I have put myself out there and gotten burnt, so I'm not actively looking.

As for the remarks you mentioned, I think they are trying to be flattering. They think you are a catch and are trying to boost your self-esteem by saying you are being unfairly overlooked. But when you talk about others as being potentially drunk or lazy, then they feel you are being too negative and potentially driving people away. They might feel you are judging them for "settling" because even married people sometimes hate their spouses and get exasperated living with their flaws.

It's really not about you, but what they perceive or think. Instead of going into the reasons, I think just saying you are looking for someone you can fall in love with is better -- you don't need to justify why you can't fall in love with this person or that person. People compromise with what they can put up with in a friend or significant other and what works for you, might not work for someone else.

 

[No_Nickname]

I had many toxic "friends". I drove them away, and now they're all united in not giving a crap about me. I've known a few people in life who weren't toxic, but I drove them away too.

Hmm... maybe I'm the toxic one...

 

[LolaEliot]

I don't know why, I'm just alone.
I think I don't like to talk to people. Social makes me exhausted, so I prefer to be alone.

 

[Despicable Me]

Everytime I see this topic pop up again it makes me a bit angry and a bit sad.
No offense to the person who made this topic but I am not alone because I choose to be. I never really had these sort of 'toxic' people in my life as this topic implies everyone has. Maybe this topic is true for many of you, but some of us have different issues.

 

[Peaches]

Well, the reason is that I don't have a lovable personality, and (for romantic relationships) my looks are not good enough to make the opposite sex forgive me for that, and I might also be too independent and not very open to negotiation.
Also, I am not mainstream at all.

 

[Xpendable]

A series of unfortunate character traits that don't fit with the general consensus.

 

[LonesomeDay]

I didn't choose to be alone initially. I lived alone from a young age in a large, metropolitan city. I withdrew socially as a way to protect myself following several bad experiences and lacking the social skills to deal with them. Now, after many years of solitude and near-solitude I find it is simply a part of who I am.

I met my husband in my mid-thirties. We currently live in a small village and I have not met many people here as I have quite a lot of social anxiety. He encourages me but does not force me to go out and socialise. He is more confident than me, and is on friendly terms with our neighbours, many of whom have not met me personally.

When we move to our next house I will have a dedicated studio room to paint in. My goal is to exhibit my work and make friends through art since this is the area in which I am most confident.

 

[edamame721]

Everytime I see this topic pop up again it makes me a bit angry and a bit sad.
No offense to the person who made this topic but I am not alone because I choose to be. I never really had these sort of 'toxic' people in my life as this topic implies everyone has. Maybe this topic is true for many of you, but some of us have different issues.

I'm sorry if this upset you. I meant it to be uplifting. Often, people cling to those who are bad for them because they fear being alone. Even if being alone is not a choice, some still wish to see it as leaving room for good people to fill it.

I don't know what issues you have, but I hope you find a place to discuss them here on the forum. You can also start your own thread. In the future, you might want to consider avoiding topics like this one if it feels alienating. Everyone experiences loneliness in different ways and it was not meant to be deliberately excluding.

---

I didn't choose to be alone initially. I lived alone from a young age in a large, metropolitan city. I withdrew socially as a way to protect myself following several bad experiences and lacking the social skills to deal with them. Now, after many years of solitude and near-solitude I find it is simply a part of who I am.

I met my husband in my mid-thirties. We currently live in a small village and I have not met many people here as I have quite a lot of social anxiety. He encourages me but does not force me to go out and socialise. He is more confident than me, and is on friendly terms with our neighbours, many of whom have not met me personally.

When we move to our next house I will have a dedicated studio room to paint in. My goal is to exhibit my work and make friends through art since this is the area in which I am most confident.

I think this is wonderful. I'm glad you have such a considerate husband. There are social anxiety support groups, but I think art would be a great way to make friends. Having a common interest makes talking a lot easier.

 

[tumblr]

It's always better to be alone than have people around who don't appreciate you for who you are.

Im not sure about that

If people dont appreciate you, they can always learn more about you

But b‌eing alone, is alone

 

[lilyadriana]

Thank you for the reminder..I tend to forget that.. especially when my foolish heart still wants to be with those toxic people that I see everyday.. I know they are bad for me.. but I don't have any other better people around..how pathetic my life is..

 

[Peaches]

now I am remembering how I spent 15 years of my adult life angry at my mother, that's why I ended up lonely

 

[Eteled]

Thank you for the reminder..I tend to forget that.. especially when my foolish heart still wants to be with those toxic people that I see everyday.. I know they are bad for me.. but I don't have any other better people around..how pathetic my life is..

I have a rather similar issue with people...
Although I try to be away from them, it's pretty hopeless since they
get aggressive if I try to avoid them.

 

[SivaGCool]

"We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone." - Orson Welles