Saying NO to loneliness! My Journal

[bender22]

Not be a negative Nelly, but the impression I get from you is that perhaps your *initial* social difficulty wasn't so bad.. my guess is that your social skills don't fit the "piano" analogy. You had those piano-playing skills (as an analog for social skills) already, just like most people--except you had trouble getting yourself to sit down and play. It seems like you pretty much corrected that tendency by now.

But what about folks who simply didn't have any musical gift (analogy, as before) or all they have to play with is a broken piano?

As you may have suspected, I really do think what's holding most of us back here is a lacking social ability.. broken down further, a lack of social insight, poor timing, slow response time in conversation, incorrect posture/expression.

I'm not sure how my initial social difficulties compared to what others on here have experienced. There would be people on these forums who have had greater difficulties socialising than I did. But it was still a huge struggle for me. My main problems were shyness, a severe lack of confidence and inability to read social cues. Success with girls was my biggest problem and probably the thing that got me down the most. I mean I could get along with other guys okay and make some friends but with girls I was absolutely clueless and my lack of confidence just killed me. That's why that has become the major focus of this journal.

I don't think it's so much that I had social skills which you or anyone else didn't have. It's probably more so a case of us having different problems that held us back and to varying degrees.

 

[Batman55]

Fair enough.

The difficulty with reading social cues I can especially relate to. It's inspiring that you've been able to make progress on that.

 

[bender22]

Saturday

Freezing cold, wet night but still went out. Found it difficult to get excited about this night, probably partly because of the weather. I didn’t commit to taking consistent action like I did last week. I think I went out just hoping something good would happen instead of proactively making things happen. Only ended up doing three or four approaches.

Second venue we went to, I saw some of the other guys I go out with sometimes. One of them was in the middle of an interaction with a girl. I walked past him and tapped him on the head. He introduced me to his girl, she was on some pub crawl. I saw a couple of other girls who were on the same pub crawl walking towards us. I stopped one of them and asked her if the other girl was her friend. It was. I told her the guy was my friend and they were falling in love so we should give them space. So we went over to the bar to get a drink and chatted. She seemed to like me.

After we got a drink, we went over to the dancefloor and danced with her friends. I started talking to one of the friends who was being pretty flirty and physical with me. I think both girls liked me and I wasn’t sure which one to go for. Decided to go with the first girl because she seemed more invested. We went over to get another drink (water) and chatted some more. At this point the interaction became less like a ‘pickup’ and more like a date. I didn’t do anything too special, just talked about normal stuff. My eye contact was really solid. We kept talking for at least another 25 minutes until she had to leave to catch up with her friends. I probably could’ve gone for a kiss but instead played it safe and got her number. This was a really good interaction nevertheless and I’m fairly certain this girl will be keen to see my again so I can kiss her then.

It was interesting to see how when I flirted with this girl’s friend on the dancefloor, how that changed the dynamic of the interaction. When I went back to the first girl, she definitely seemed more invested, almost like she had some competition now and she wanted to win me over. I’ve seen the same sort of thing happen several times before. Something to keep in mind in future.

Got a little complacent after that interaction and didn’t do many more approaches then went home early.

-I need to train myself to get into more longer interactions like the one I had here. Too many of my interactions stall out after the first few minutes. I found in the past that roleplays were a good way for me to get conversation flowing easily and they made the conversations more fun. For some reason I haven’t been using them much recently. Next week I’m going to focus on using roleplays and holding the interaction for longer.

-I need to find a way to consistently put myself in a good state or snap myself out of a bad state. Usually my state is too dependant on external factors which I have no control over eg. the weather, reactions from other people, the venue…..

-I have to mentally commit to taking action every night. Follow the 3 approaches per hour rule. If I don’t commit to taking action, my mind will just rationalize reasons not to take action and I’m just relying on good luck.

-I’ve noticed more negativity creeping back into my mind in recent weeks. In the mornings, I’ve been waking up feeling kinda depressed. I haven’t been enjoying my work at all, I haven’t been looking forward to going out so much, I haven’t had so much motivation to eat well and go to the gym. The weather seems to have a large impact on my emotions and it’s the middle of winter here, so that hasn’t helped. I need to make some changes before I get stuck in a downward spiral. I’ll give some thought to what sort of changes I need to make and probably post something on here about that tomorrow. If anybody has any ideas, I’d like to hear.

 

[bender22]

Made a few changes during the week like I was talking about in my last post. Every morning when I wake up I’ve been answering three questions - 1) What’s one thing I’m grateful for? 2) What can I look forward to? 3) What’s something positive I’ve done in the past 12 months? This is an idea I got from a Tony Robbins program and I’ve mentioned it on here before. I was doing it before but then I got lazy and stopped. It’s a great way to shift your focus from negativity to positivity.

I’ve also been going to the gym everyday and eating better. Regular exercise has to be one of the best ‘hacks’ to improve your mood. I’ve also cut down on time I spend on the internet, watching TV and listening to the radio. This has given me more time for reading and other more important things. The other thing I’ve done is scheduling a couple of activities I wouldn’t normally do that I can look forward to during the week. For example, on Tuesday instead of going straight home after work I went to the library to read some stuff I was interested this. Small tweaks in your schedule like that can make the week more interesting.

Thursday night

Met up with Patty for a quick Thursday night session. Didn’t do too much approaching. One early one I was near a girl on the dancefloor. I asked her something about the song playing and she actually responded very enthusiastically with a big smile on her face. She was dancing with her friends and looked like she was having fun and I started thinking I don’t want to be a value leech and interrupt her fun. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I didn’t even realise how attractive she was at the time. I saw her later and realised she was really hot, totally my type. I was kicking myself for not keeping that interaction going.

I had an eye contact moment with a girl on the dancefloor. I was dancing up next to her in no time and introducing myself. She was really short and I told her she was too short for me to makeout with her. We danced more and then went to the bar to get waters. After she got her water, she went back to her friends. I didn’t follow her. A little later I saw her again and talked to her then danced with her again. We were getting up close to each other and getting physical but her group of friends was right next to us so I didn’t want to over-escalate in front on them. Eventually she disappeared again of to the bathroom.

I couldn’t find her after that for a while and assumed she’d left. Got kinda frustrated with myself for not kissing her or getting her number when I had a golden opportunity. But then I saw her again at a table with some of her friends. I approached her again and told her I was stealing her for 2 minutes. She obligingly came with me and I took her hand over and lead her to the dancefloor. When we got to the dancefloor she said I’ve only got 2 minutes. I said I better make the most of the 2 minutes and then made out with her. She was fully into it. She did go back to her friends after 2 minutes of making out lol because one of them was leaving. I went back to her again before I left and got her number.

Not much else to report for the night. Went home at midnight.

 

[bender22]

Friday/Saturday

Not a lot to report from Friday & Saturday. Friday night was completely dead. I winged a few of the other guys but don't think I even did any of my own approaches.

Had trouble getting into a groove on Saturday night as well. The club we went to was very quiet when I first arrived but did get busier later in the night. I approached a pretty attractive brunette as soon an I walked in. I asked her where the mechanical bull was and she took my hand and lead me to the bull. Should have made more of an effort to have a proper chat to her.

Saw a few girls I've met before. One of them wanted me to dance with me but one of the other guys kinda messed it up by hitting on her when she didn't like him.

I also had some fun talking absolute rubbish to a few girls together with one of the other guys. Not much else to say about the night.

-It can be mentally challenging oscillating between nights where I am on top of the world, where everything I do works and nights where I feel completely hopeless and can barely even approach a girl. It's tough when you know how good you can be but you're not living up to that.

 

[bender22]

Got sick again last week and didn’t go out. Went out for a few hours again last night but didn’t commit to the process. I was solo most of the night, which was extremely challenging after not going out for a few weeks. I only did two quick approaches then went home early.
Few thoughts:

-I’ll often rationalize not taking action by thinking for X to happen, I need Y to happen. For example last night, I started thinking ‘for me to have a good night, I need to have a good wingman with me.’ Other times I might think ‘to have a good night, I need the weather to be good and lots of people to be in town.’ Some guys (including myself when I first started) might think ‘for me to be successful with women, I need to get in good shape first’ or ‘I need to make more money first.’

I need to catch myself when I start falling into this trap and realise there is probably never a perfect time to take right action. Also realise there are countless examples of myself or others succeeding despite the situation not being perfect. I can think of enough times when I didn’t have a great wingman with me but still managed to have a good night. There are plenty of examples of guys who managed to have success with women despite not being in ideal shape or making lots of money.

So stop relying on Y to happen for X to happen, just take right action anyway. Try to identify when I’m doing this and snap myself out of it. There are some things we can’t control but we can control how much action we take. And when you take action, there is always a chance you will succeed.

-I’ve noticed sometimes I will go into an interaction with a lot of trust that I can make the interaction work, think of what to say and handle any obstacles. But there are other times (like last night) I completely lack this trust. I wonder why it is that I have this trust at times but not other times?

-I was thinking about the differences between the identity I’ve formed around interacting with and attracting girls vs the identity I’ve formed around other areas of my life where I have a great confidence and a lot of trust in myself. Two areas I am very confident in are weight training - at the gym and snowboarding. When I’m at the gym or on the mountain snowboarding, I’m full of confidence. I know I’ve reached a higher level than most other people and I don’t doubt myself. I feel confident I can snowboard down an advanced run and trust in myself.

But when I go out to meet girls, I don’t have those same feelings. I don’t view myself as a guy who’s really good with girls and can attract the best girls. I don’t walk around a nightclub with the same kind of confidence I have in the gym or on the mountain. Although I have had quite a lot of successful experiences since starting this, I’m not sure how much my identity/concept of myself has changed. I can probably cold approach a girl in a nightclub or bar or street and do a much better job than most other guys now, yet I still feel like I’m very average at this. And sometimes I almost forget I am the same guy who has got all these numbers, makeouts, had great interactions with very attractive girls.

For me to really improve at this, I need to change the concept I have of who I am. I think most guys have an idea in their mind of how a cool guy who attracts women would behave. I know I do. But when I go out, I usually can’t get myself to behave that way. I’ve often wondered why it’s so hard to behave the way I know I should, now I think I know why - because my concept of who I am is not consistent with my view of how I should act.

But I wonder why my concept of myself as a snowboarder or weight lifter has changed in such positive ways as my skills developed, while my concept of myself as a guy who meets women hasn’t changed so much. Perhaps it’s because some of the views of myself (like being shy, passive, etc…) were formed many years ago and are more ingrained, therefore harder to change. I think there are other reasons but I’m not exactly sure what they are. I’m also not sure how I form a more positive concept of myself.

Also, going back to trust in my abilities - when I’m snowboarding, if my snowboard catches an edge and I feel like I might fall, I usually trust that I can regain my balance. When I have that trust, I usually won't fall over. That’s the trust I need to have in my ability when I go out to meet girls. If I don’t trust myself, I’ll fall over.

 

[bender22]

Saturday night

I’ve been out of town for a few weeks and haven’t had a chance to go out much or post on here. Got out again on Saturday night. Tried my best to stick to my minimum three approaches per hour rule. I feel like I’m just shaking the rust off at the moment, after I haven’t been going out so consistently the past few months. Definitely not as sharp and on my game as I was in May/June.

One of my first approaches Saturday night was a real hottie. I’d seen her earlier and thought to myself I have to approach her tonight. She had a sort of sophisticated sexy appearance and an incredible body. The second time I saw her I approached her. She talked to me a bit but wasn’t giving me much. Her friend was more responsive to me, maybe I should have switched to her instead. It was difficult to get any conversation going with the target but I felt good for approaching such an attractive girl.

There was a girl on the dancefloor wearing a big sombrero. I commented on the sombrero and she let me wear it. I danced with her and her friends for a while. Could have done a lot more with this one. She responded well to me and gave me the opportunity but I didn’t take advantage of it.

I told one girl I was celebrating getting out of jail lol and had some fun with that. This interaction could have worked well if I had transitioned to normal conversation but I probably tried to run with that joke for too long.

Later in the night Patty and I went outside to find some girls on the street. We found two girls who were from Germany. They were both friendly and fun and cute. A couple of their other German friends came over later and talked to us but I didn’t like them so much. After talking to them for about 20 minutes they said they were all going home and left. Just after they all separated we saw one of the girls (the one I liked most) calling us over to her. She asked if we could walk with her back to her bus. I liked this girl so I was happy to walk with her to her bus. Her accent and mannerisms were just really cute.

When we got to the bus stop Patty said he was going to head home. I asked German girl if she’d like me to stay with her until her bus arrived and she said she would. It was fun talking to her, I felt like I could let my guard down and be kinda goofy with her. I mentioned I was driving home and offered to drive her and she liked that idea. I drove her back to her place (where she lives with a host family...so I couldn’t go inside). Nothing happened then, I wasn’t sure whether to make a move or not. I got her number and said goodnight.

Outside of trying to pick up girls I feel like I’ve been making some big strides forward over the past few weeks. But I haven’t been making any progress in the social/dating part of my life for a few months now. Over the next three weeks, I want to really commit to getting back on track with this again. I need to be going out at least two nights every week and on those nights I have to commit to taking a lot more action than I have been. I might get drunk again one night over the next few weeks. I’ve been having trouble loosening up when I’ve been going out. Maybe it will help to get drunk and remind myself of what it feels like to let go. I would also like to push myself to talk to girls during the day again soon.

Another thing which I’ve mentioned many times before but never really acted on, that I need to start doing is finding more ways besides bars and nightclubs to meet people. Not just girls, I need to meet more people in general.

 

[bender22]

Friday
First time in a while I’ve felt really good about a night out again. Vastly improved on last week.

Started the night with a date with the German girl I met last week. Really cute girl, maybe the most attractive girl I’ve had a date with since I’ve been doing this. I picked her up from her place and we got food. I had a good time but I probably made it too platonic. When I was driving her back I asked her about what she thinks of the guys from my country hoping to lead the conversation in a more sexual direction. I’m not very good at turning conversations sexual. Something I need to work on. Hopefully I’ll get a chance to see her again.

After dropping her off I went straight into town and met up with Patty at one of my favourite clubs. Talked to two different girls within about a minute of entering the club. As soon as I saw it was busy inside and there was pub crawls, I instantly felt good.

I saw the girl from my journal a few months ago who I’d had sex with. Talked to her for a bit before she went off to another place with her friends. I texted her later in the night to see where she was -
Me: Are you at ‘club x’? (phone battery at about 7%)
Her:No not right now at ‘club y’
Me: Going back to ‘club x or club z’? (phone battery at about 5%)
Her: Probs to ‘club z’!
Her: Actually heading to club x!
Me: Might head there in a bit. My phone is about to die (battery at 1%)
Her: Ok see you there!
*battery dies*

I was going to head straight to ‘club x’ but got talking to a few other girls and ended up in those interactions for a while. About an hour later I rushed over to ‘club x’ but couldn’t find her anywhere when I got there. Stupid phone battery cost me another chance to hook up with this girl!

Most encouraging thing about last night was the way I persisted more and made sure my interactions weren’t stalling out after the first minute or so. Still not as persistent as I need to be but still a big improvement on what has been a reoccurring problem for a long time. I did about 10 approaches during the night. I’ll go through the highlights.

About half way during the night I was spending a lot of time wandering around the club and not approaching. I’d lost Patty and the other guys and didn’t want to use my 2-3% battery texting them so I was going solo most of the night. Finally I got an easy approach when some girl gave me a high five. I gave her the high five, took her hand and spun her around. She was a bit big for my liking but her friend was more attractive. Some other guy was trying to hit on the friend but I could see she wasn’t into it. I introduced myself to her then talked to the bigger girl again.

A few minutes in the friend walks around behind me (using me as a barrier between her and the guy she didn’t want to talk to). I turned around to her and said ‘are you using me as a human shield haha?’ ‘haha yes I am.’ Got talking to her a bit more. I’m feeling a lot more comfortable and in the zone at this point. There was another guy who started talking to all of us. At least this guy was cool and not creeping the girls out like the first guy. He said to me a bit later ‘she (the more attractive friend) is keen as hell on you man.’ The bigger girl bought all of us drinks then the girls went off to the bathroom. I think this was a legit toilet break, not a let’s get away from these guys break.

While they were in the bathroom I saw a girl I think I approached ages ago. She recognised me so I started talking to her. This was a really awesome interaction. A demonstration of what I can be when I’m in a good state and having fun. When you’re in a good state, it’s amazing how you can access the best parts of your personality and you even surprise yourself with some of the funny stuff that comes out of your mouth.

We were trying to figure out when and where we’d met -
Me: I went to a wiggles concert when I was four….maybe it was there?
Her: Hahaha no I never listened to the wiggles
Me: Oh I know! There was one time where I was grocery shopping, buying some apples and I saw you buying oranges….that was it!

We continued this sort of amusing, non logical conversation for about 10 minutes. I took her to get a water with me and then asked her more logical questions about herself. I think while you don’t want your whole conversation to be just boring, logical questions, it is important to stop at some point during the interaction and actually get to know her. If you just talk honeysuckle the entire interaction, it can be too far out of the girl’s reality. When you slow down and get to know her, it shows her you’re actually there to get to know her.

She said she had to get going. My phone was dead so I couldn’t take her number, I told her to take my number and text me but her phone was dead too! I got her last name and said I’d add her on facebook. She made sure I had the spelling of her first name correct so I could find her. Good sign. Probably could’ve kissed her but I played it too safe.

There was a girl I’d seen at the start of the night lining up in front of me and thought she was super cute. She reminded of a girl I really liked a while back. Towards the end of the night I saw her with her friends lining up at the bar. I had one of those glow sticks and poked her with it. I told her it was a magic wand and started talking about Harry Potter lol. She loved it. I was feeling really good and it just felt easy talking to this girl. Not a huge struggle like it has felt in recent times. She got out her phone and looked me up on facebook and I added myself. Would’ve asked for her number but my phone was dead so facebook was alright. One of the friends introduced herself to me as well. I notice this when I’m in a good state, the friends always want to meet me.

I saw a tall blonde girl walking past and she made eye contact with me. I poked her with my glow stick and pulled her in to ask her name. Really solid way to open the interaction. We danced together for a bit then a few minutes in some guy she knew came in and dragged her away. Not sure if it was her boyfriend or what.

Even though I didn’t get any makeouts or anything and I missed a pretty good opportunity to hook up with that girl because of my battery, I still felt great about last night. It’s great that I can generate the positive emotions and good state I had last night even when I was solo almost all night. My progress has really stalled over the past few months. Winter was rough on me this year but if I can have some more nights like that over the next few weeks, it won’t be long before I’m making big progress again.

Last night definitely restored some faith in my own ability. The faith that I can actually do this. I can be pretty good at this stuff when I’m switched on. I can also be absolutely terrible when I’m not in the right state. At least I know I am capable of doing this well.

Key take-away: Getting into a positive state lets you access the best parts of your personality.

 

[bender22]

Saturday night
Usually I have a shorter night on Friday’s and my big night on Saturday. Going to experiment for a while with having my big night on Friday and shorter night on Saturday. Hoping the extra sleep I get on Saturday night will make it easier for me to transition back into the work week on Monday and make me more productive. See how it goes.

Went to a club I haven’t been to for a long time last night. It attracts some of the best looking girls in my city but it’s a tough venue. Everyone seems to know each other there and if you’re not part of their social circle it’s hard to break into and get to know the girls. There’s also a lot of big alpha type of guys who go there so the competition is tougher than most other places.

Probably my best interaction of the night was when we were lining up outside. There were two really cute girls in front of us. It took me about 10 minutes before I actually started talking to them but when I finally did it went really well. I complimented one of them on her outfit, I said I liked how it was unique. I think I could probably compliment girls more often, I very rarely do it. From my experience, as long as you don’t lay on the compliments too hard and are genuine about them it works well. Talked to these girls until we got inside. Really good first interaction of the night.

We got inside and Patty and the other guy we were with just stood around, not approaching. I did the same for a while. When you’re with other guys who aren’t taking action, it’s so easy to justify not taking action yourself. After 10 minutes of standing around I thought enough is enough and started approaching. In the next hour I did quite a few approaches. I did three or four really confident approaches where I got quick eye contact from the girl then lightly grabbed her arm and pulled her into me. This worked well to get their attention at first but nothing was sticking. The girls in here seemed to have incredibly short attention spans.

I got a lot more ‘rejections’ than I usually do. Not harsh rejections, more like ‘thanks but no thanks.’ On Friday almost every approach I did lead to a decent interaction but on Saturday almost none of my interactions were lasting more than a few minutes. Not sure if this was because I was doing something differently on Saturday or the girls were just different. Like I said before, this is a hard venue.

After about an hour of approaches that weren’t going anywhere, I got down on myself and my state crashed pretty hard. Patty and the other guy had left too, so I was solo now. From then on I really struggled to approach at all. Only did a couple more which also didn’t go anywhere. Went home just before 1am.

Positive: Did some strong approaches at the start of the night that demonstrated a lot of confidence. Just wasn’t able to back up this confidence once I got the girl’s attention.

Key take-away: Giving genuine compliments at times can work well.

 

[bender22]

This is what wrote yesterday afternoon (Saturday) before going out.

Friday

Didnt write up a report last week because both Friday and Saturday were extremely unproductive. My approaching muscle has been very weak. This is probably still the biggest thing stopping me from making more progress - my fear of approaching girls. It just never really goes away. I am able to approach a lot more than when i first started and some nights it's not a big problem but so often it is a problem. It doesn't really matter how good you are at this, if you can't start interactions consistently, youre just not going to get anywhere.

Last night I probably did about 6 approaches, which is better than last weekend but still not enough. A lot of those 6 were really cute which was good but most of them just fizzled out quickly.

It's frustrating to feel like I'm just spinning my wheels at the moment with this. I've seen huge improvements in other areas of my life over the past month or so. I've been more focused, more productive, I've been thinking with much more clarity, I've been happier in general, I just had my best month of sales at my job, I've been working this new job that I've been really enjoying, I've been reading and learning loads. But this one area of my life that I've been trying so hard to improve, I'm struggling with.

I don't want to give up on this because I think it's crucial for me to get this part of my life handled. But it's hard to commit all this time and energy to it when I don't feel like I'm getting a good return on that investment of time and energy. There are a lot of other things i could be doing where I'd get a better return on my time.

Maybe there are more efficient ways of improving at this? I recently started using tinder again and last weekend I met up with a girl from there. Maybe online is a better option. But tinder and online don't push you outside your comfort zone like cold approaching girls does and you can waste a lot of time on there.

Maybe I just need more momentum. A few months ago i was full of momentum and doing great but right now I have a complete lack of momentum and seem to be in this self defeating cycle. I've probably been slow to react to this cycle and change things up because I've been more focused on other areas of my life recently. I think I'll need to make some adjustments and start building up that momentum again.

Another thing is I don't feel like I want this as much as I did before. The desire for it is weaker than earlier in the year or last year. Maybe that's because I've already experienced some degree of success and I don't feel as bad about this part of my life now as I did in the past. But without that desire, it's harder to motivate yourself to change.

...................................................................................................
Saturday night

Saturday night was interesting. First 3/4 of the night I didn't approach much but I still felt like I was mostly in a pretty good state. It was the first time in a while I noticed a lot of girls checking me out. As much as I shouldn't become reliant on that sort of external feedback to make me feel good, it definitely made me feel better about myself last night. Unfortunately I didn't take advantage of most of the opportunities I had to approach the girls who were checking me out.

At the start of the night I was walking past two girls sitting down and noticed one of them looking at me as I walked past. I sat next to them and started talking. Opened up pretty well. Good first interaction of the night.

I saw KFC girl (from previous posts) again for the first time in a while and talked to her and her friend for a while. Fun girl. Also saw another girl whose Facebook I got a few weeks back. Discovered she had a boyfriend who she was there with. Funny because she was very happy to give me her facebook and flirt with me a few weeks back when I saw her.

From about 11pm - 1:30 or 2am I didn't approach much. Finally I saw a hot black girl standing alone by the mechanical bull at this club. I asked her if she had ever ridden the bull. She responded a lot better than I was expecting (you never really know how the girl will respond to you until you go do it). She had ridden the bull and said she stayed on it for about 10 seconds. She said I should go on it and I asked her what I would win if I could beat her time. She said what do you want? I probably could have got away with saying just about anything here because the interaction had a very flirtatious vibe. But I was afraid to take the risk and went the safe route and said let's decide afterwards. I agreed to ride the bull for the first time ever. I stayed on it for around 15 seconds. By the time I got off, she had gone :/ I think her friends dragged her away.

But that gave me a good opening line - 'hey guess what....I just rode the bull for the first time.' I approached 5 or 6 girls in the last hour and told them I had ridden the bull. Had some decent interactions amongst them. But more importantly it restored some much needed confidence, I gave my mind evidence that I can approach girls and nothing bad will happen. I remember thinking to myself at one point late in the night that I can either ***** out and go home not having done many approaches then go into next weekend with very little confidence or I can do more approaches and even if they don't go anywhere it should give me more momentum for next week. If I hadn't done those 5-6 approaches in the last hour I probably would've felt pretty down on myself today but instead right now I'm looking forward to going out again next weekend.

RULES FOR NEXT WEEK

SEEK OUT GIRLS WHO ARE FUN AND POSITIVE - if a girl responds in a cold or bitchy manner when I approach her, then why waste my time on her? That's not the type of girl I want anyway. There are plenty of other cool, friendly girls out there. Sometimes I feel like I should stay in the interaction and try to turn it around if the girl is cold or not giving me anything but what's the point of hanging around someone who is just going to drag my energy down. Eject from these interactions quickly and find a better girl.

DON'T GET SO BUTTHURT IF A GIRL DOESN'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU - I went out with this other guy Marc last night. He approaches a lot of girls and a lot of them walk away from him or are bitchy to him but he doesn't let it bother him and keeps going until he finds a girl who likes him. You have to accept that there will always be some girls who won't be nice to you. That happens to all guys, even the best guys. I can't interpret those bad reactions as a reflection on me and get butthurt about it. It's more so a reflection on the girl.

BE A SOCIAL PERSON - towards the end of last night, I was coming out of the toilets and heard some guys talking about the football and joined in the conversation and talked to one of the guys about football for about 10 minutes. This puts me in a social state and builds momentum. This shouldn't be about just going out to talk to girls. I should look for every opportunity to talk to people. If I can't talk to the guy in front of me when I'm lining up, how am I going to walk straight up to the stunning girl and talk to her? Even though I know this and I've seen the difference it makes when I make an effort to talk to everyone during the night, I usually don't do it. And this shouldn't be something I do just on my nights out. I should be talking to people every day. I'll try to build up some social momentum during this week.

TALK TO GIRLS EARLY IN THE NIGHT OR GO HOME - if it's 1am and I haven't been approaching consistently go home and get some sleep.

Key take-away: I approach a lot more when I have an opening line that I feel confident about. Last night I had the 'I just rode the bull' opening line and approached a lot more when I thought of that. I don't like the idea of scripting out a whole conversation like some guys try to do but having a good opener to use is a good thing if it helps me approach more.

 

[bender22]

Thursday/Friday/Rejection Experiment

I decided to try an experiment where I seek out 50 rejections, hoping it will help change my attitude towards rejection so it doesn't hold me back so much. You can read about that here - http://www.alonelylife.com/showthread.php?tid=35215

Thursday night I was in town for dinner then went out to a few clubs after dinner. Talked to a couple of girls at the first place but it was pretty quiet so I left there, met up with Patty and went to another club. The other club was even quieter. There were literally only 5 girls there. Two of them were with guys and there was a group of three cute girls sitting together. Patty and I sat behind them then I started talking to them. After talking to them for about 20 minutes we asked them if they wanted to come to another club with us. We got them to come with us to another club which was about a 20 minute walk away. There was one girl who I liked more than the other two and I really should have focused on her more, especially while we walked to the other club.

By the time we got to the other club it was already past the time I intended on going home so I didn't want to stay too much longer. I saw possibly the hottest girl I have ever seen on a night out in my city. Didn't do too much before leaving, just talked to one or two girls said goodbye to the girls we met at the other club then left.

I had the morning off work on Friday so I thought I'd do something I haven't done in a long time and go to the uni campus to talk to some girls during the day. It was at least half an hour I spent walking around the uni before I actually talked to anyone. Finally I talked to a few girls. Once I got that first one done, it got a lot easier and I did about five or six approaches within the next hour. Every girl I talked to was so friendly. Girls are so much friendlier during the day than at night. I bailed out of most of the interactions pretty quickly though because I was feeling a little nervous.

My last interaction went pretty well. I approached a cute girl sitting by herself outside. She turned out to be really laid back and super friendly. That's the type of girl I want, not these annoying bitchy girls with attitude problems I keep meeting at night. I wish I had got her number. I probably would have asked for it but her friend came over and I was too afraid to ask for it in front of the friend.

It felt good to talk to girls during the day again. I'll try to do some more of that next week. Guys who are afraid to approach girls - go out during the day (to somewhere girls hang out), find one who is sitting alone somewhere. Approach her indirectly eg. how do you get to XY place from here. If she's friendly, find a way to keep the conversation going. Girls in bars and nightclubs can be mean and nasty. But during the daytime, girls are almost always friendly. This is probably the easiest way to get started cold approaching girls.

Friday evening I had a date with a girl from Tinder. She was a nice girl and would be cool to hang out with but I just felt no sexual attraction to her. Not sure how she felt about me.

After the date I went into town and met up with Shane. Only really memorable approach was a pub crawl girl who waved at me. Felt pretty confident talking to her because I could tell she liked me. Did a good job of teasing her a bit. Got her number. Probably could've taken her to the dance floor and tried to make out with her. Didn't stay much longer after that.

I sort of forgot about the rejection experiment Thursday and Friday. I didn't even get anything that I would consider a rejection. I'll try to get to work on that tonight.

Key take-away: It's easier to meet nicer girls during the day.

 

[bender22]

Saturday

Saturday afternoon I went to the beach with this girl I've seen a few times now. It was supposed to be just the two of us but then she messaged me earlier and said she was bringing some girl she works with. This girl was one of the most annoying people I have met. I would have almost preferred to jump off the end of the jetty and be eaten by a shark than hang around this girl. I endured almost two hours of torture with this stupid girl then got out of their like I was getting out of a burning building. I was not impressed with my girl for bringing this girl along and got into a small argument with her later about it which didn't put me in a very good mood for Saturday night.

My first approach on Saturday night can probably be counted as number 1 in my rejection challenge. There was a girl standing by herself looking at her phone and I tapped her on the arm. She looks at me and runs off to her friends without saying anything. According to one of her friends it was a girls night.

I approached two girls who Shane and I ended up talking to for about 15 minutes. It was a fun interaction and the girls loved us but then they wanted to go to a different club and we didn't want to go with them. Not sure if they wanted us to come. Shane and I did another interaction with two girls together outside that went fairly well. Nice girls. One of them had a boyfriend though. Usually I don't like doing these interactions with other guys but Shane and I work well together.

Back inside I bumped into all these girls I've met before and talked to them for a while. One of them I danced with and got fairly physical with but didn't take it any further. I think that's what happened last time I met her lol. I talked to a bunch of girls after that but wasn't really getting anywhere with them. I found it hard to get into a good state all night after my afternoon and because it was unusually quiet at the club we went to. Probably did 8-10 approaches during the night, better than some of my other nights recently.

Key take-away: Don't go on a date if the girl wants to bring her friend along.

 

[Batman55]

Saturday afternoon I went to the beach with this girl I've seen a few times now. It was supposed to be just the two of us but then she messaged me earlier and said she was bringing some girl she works with. This girl was one of the most annoying people I have met. I would have almost preferred to jump off the end of the jetty and be eaten by a shark than hang around this girl. I endured almost two hours of torture with this stupid girl then got out of their like I was getting out of a burning building. I was not impressed with my girl for bringing this girl along and got into a small argument with her later about it which didn't put me in a very good mood for Saturday night.

Man, that sounds rough. What kind of annoyance was it, though? Can you be more specific? Just curious.

 

[bender22]

She was just plain rude. She was making rude remarks to me the entire time. My girl said that's just her personality and she does that around everyone. Not sure why anybody would want to hang out with her if that's how she always acts.

 

[bender22]

Friday/Thoughts

I started writing this up on Saturday afternoon but left it until now to post to be sure it wasn't just a knee-jerk reaction to a poor Friday night.

Friday night was the first night out in a long time that got me really frustrated. It really made me take a step back and reassess where I'm going with this.

For the past few years the idea of hooking up with a lot of different girls has probably appealed to me more than a monogamous relationship. I had the opportunity for a relationship last year with a girl who loved me but I resisted that opportunity so I could continue going out and developing my skills with girls. When I reflected on this, there's probably a few main reasons for this:

1. Learning to pick up girls has served as a good vehicle for self development for me - if I were to settle into a relationship I worry I would lose that.
2. I am afraid of what I would miss out on if I were to settle into a relationship. I am afraid I would always think what could have been if I never got into a relationship and kept going out learning to pick up girls? Would I have ended up with a better girl if I'd kept going out developing my skills with girls?
3. I have still got so much room for improvement. Yes I have come a long way since I first started this journal but I could still be so much better. I would feel like I was giving up if I stopped now and got into a relationship.

These thoughts often enter my mind. But there is another side to each of these thoughts.

1. A relationship could be another vehicle for self development itself. My first ever wingman has probably grown more as a person in the 18+ months he has been in a relationship than he ever did as a single guy. Plus there are plenty of opportunities to develop myself outside of picking up girls.
2. Yes I could miss out on some crazy adventures, maybe I would miss out on meeting an incredible girl. But there is always an opportunity cost. If I keep going out seeking hook ups I could miss out on a relationship. I also need to consider all the time I'm spending going out. Most Friday nights I'm out from around 9:30pm - 2am (4.5 hours) and Saturday night 9:30pm - 3:30am (6 hours). That's on average 10.5 hours every week. I could redirect that time and energy into something else like learning other skills or growing a business. It takes me 30 minutes just to get into the city so that's 2 hours just in traveling time every week if I'm going out Friday and Saturday. Let's say I'm going out two nights per week 40 weeks during the year. That's 420 hours over the entire year (including 80 hours of travel time). Then there's all the hours I feel tired and lethargic the day after a late night out.
3. There is still room for improvement, I could still grow in confidence and maybe one day become an icy pimp who bangs a different girl every night. But is that even what I want? Probably not. I've had some experience now making out with girls a few seconds, one night stands etc.. Those things were cool but my best memories since I started this journal were spending time with girls I really liked. I'd still like to gain more confidence but I think there are other more time efficient approaches to achieving that besides what I'm doing right now. I've been trying to think with a longer term perspective recently so I wonder what will make me happy in 20-30 years time. Will it be the memory of hooking up with loads of girls when I was 23? Unlikely.

To be honest the idea of hooking up with a bunch of different girls doesn't even excite me that much anymore. The idea of a relationship with one really amazing girl excites me more. The thought of traveling the world excites me more. The thought of building a successful business excites me more. The thought of inspiring people excites me more. So why am I spending 420 hours a year on something that doesn't even excite me much? What if I spent more of that time on the things that really do excite me...

Now this shift in thinking doesn't mean I'm just going to stop going out. It means I need to change my approach.

Solutions:

1. Focus on finding amazing girls I could date instead of focusing on hooking up:
-less time in bars and nightclubs (most of the girls I meet in bars and nightclubs are probably not the type of girls I would want to date)
-more time talking to girls during the day...I've always met better girls during the day. Plus you see more of their real personality, girls tend to put up a front in bars and nightclubs. Maybe try to find some kind of activities where I could meet cool girls.
-more solo nights...I've probably been influenced a lot by the guys I go out with who are all more focused on hooking up with girls rather than finding a relationship. I think I need to remove that influence as much as I can.
-make a list of qualities I would want in a girlfriend (physical and non-physical)
-be very selective with girls. Screen them for those qualities I want. Don't just get numbers for the sake of it when I know the girl isn't right for me.

2. Use my time more efficiently:
-Try to integrate with other activities. For example the other week I was going into the city for a boxing class at 6pm. I organised to have dinner with a few friends in the city after the boxing class and then after dinner I went out to the clubs. If I have to travel 30 minutes to go into the city, try to kill two birds with one stone and do something else while I'm out.
-There's a nightclub about 10 minutes from my house that is popular on Friday nights but I've only ever been there once. I could save a lot of time by going there instead of the city on Friday nights.
-Don't stay out so late.
-Tinder - I don't even need to leave the house to talk to girls on tinder.
-Move closer to the city - possibly later this year or early next year.

3. Treat my nights out as an opportunity to unwind and have fun instead of a training drill:
-Relax and have fun on my nights out.
-When I do go out with the other guys maybe have a few drinks once in a while so I can let go more.
-Try to plant seeds. When I do find a cool girl, suggest some kind of plans for the following week and get her number.

4. Become the type of guy my ideal girl would want. I think the type of guy my ideal girl would want:
-is on his path, doing cool things with his life
-is confident
-is interesting
-feels good about himself
-is confident around other people

I am as happy as I have been for a long time. I think that's because I feel like I'm moving in the right direction in most areas of my life. Now I just need to make sure I'm moving in the right direction in this part of my life.

Also I'm not sure how my rejection experiment is going to fit into all this.

 

[Batman55]

4. Become the type of guy my ideal girl would want. I think the type of guy my ideal girl would want:
-is on his path, doing cool things with his life
-is confident
-is interesting
-feels good about himself
-is confident around other people

Mate you're already most of the way there. You're a mainstream guy who happened to be introverted; that's a slight bottleneck at best, and you've already beaten it.

My concern is more with those guys who clearly aren't mainstream, do not have populist interests or steady paths to take. Such guys cannot learn anything from your journal, because they're not going out to bars or clubs, they don't have social networks, and they don't have mainstream interests... Might it be better for such creatures to accept that women have no interest in them, than be misguided into thinking exposure therapy will yield results?

 

[bender22]

Mate you're already most of the way there. You're a mainstream guy who happened to be introverted; that's a slight bottleneck at best, and you've already beaten it.

My concern is more with those guys who clearly aren't mainstream, do not have populist interests or steady paths to take. Such guys cannot learn anything from your journal, because they're not going out to bars or clubs, they don't have social networks, and they don't have mainstream interests... Might it be better for such creatures to accept that women have no interest in them, than be misguided into thinking exposure therapy will yield results?

Can you clarify what you mean by 'mainstream'?

I still maintain that just about any guy can improve his success with women by taking action. That doesn't mean you have to go to bars or clubs, there are plenty of other places to talk to women.

It's not easy, this has probably been one of the most difficult things I've done in my life. And improvements can take time. But if you're taking action, at least you're in the game and giving yourself a chance.

 

[Xpendable]

there are plenty of other places to talk to women.

Such as?

 

[Batman55]

Can you clarify what you mean by 'mainstream'?

Dresses like a modern man, college education, ambitious, has a social network, likes to go out and stay active, etc.

 

[bender22]

Such as?

Shopping malls, gyms, libraries, university campuses, book stores, parks, events, beaches, airports....

Batman, I've talked about my friend Kevin in here. A 30 year old short Asian guy who would hardly be considered mainstream yet has still been able to achieve more success with women by taking action. Another guy I've got to know is a 27 year old overweight guy who I think suffers from aspergers or something similar. He's a well meaning guy but lacks a lot of basic social skills that most people take for granted. But he still goes out and talks to girls, gets some phone numbers and a few dates. Really cool to see this guy take action and get some results despite all he has going against him.

Friday

I had Friday morning off work so went into the city to talk to people. I went back to basics and focused on just approaching people. In the first hour, I asked a few people for the time or directions. They had the launch for the new iPhone at the Apple store so I talked to a few people outside there. There was one cute girl sitting alone eating sushi. I approached her and asked where she got the sushi from then talked to her a bit about the iPhone launch. Seemed like a really nice girl. I didn't stay for long but afterwards I wished I had. That's the type of people I want to meet. There was a group of two girls and one guy walking ahead of me. The guy was wearing a wacky colorful outfit and the girls looked like hippies. I asked them for the time and complimented the guy on his outfit. They all laughed and said have a great day. Made me feel good.

I'm noticing how going out on a nice day puts me in a much better state than going out at night. When the sun is out and there's lots of people around I feel like it's hard not to be in a good state. As summer approaches, I think I'll definitely need to get out in the day more often and probably less nights out. I'd rather do my cold approaching during the day and try to set up dates for Friday/Saturday nights.

Had a few hours out at my usual Friday night spot. Best interaction was with this really pretty blonde girl. I made eye contact with her earlier but didn't approach then. A bit later I went looking for her and found her on the dancefloor. She looked at me again and I walked towards her and put my hand out for her. I got up real close and asked her name. Seemed like it was on at this point but I couldn't hear anything she was saying so I moved her just off the dancefloor to a quieter spot. I could see she was definitely attracted at this point. One of my wing guys came over and grabbed her friend and made out with her in like a minute. My girl couldn't believe what she was seeing and this threw me off. From there I wasn't sure how to move things forward with my girl and bring all her attention back to me. I took her back to the dancefloor but didn't feel so confident and I could see her attraction fading until she eventually took off to get a drink.

I saw one of the girls I always see when I'm out. Talking to this girl always brings out the best part of my personality. I need to find a way to access that part of my personality when I'm talking to all other girls. One of the wing guys brought his sister out with us. She came out with us a few weeks ago and tried to set me up with some girl. This time she was dancing with some other girls and I went over and joined them. She pointed out one of the other girls and told me I should go for her because she liked me. I kept over thinking what would be the best way to approach her but left it way too long and ruined my chance.

Oh and I got slapped. Near the start of the night, some girl was walking near me and looked at me and started making weird faces. I was about to say something to her but before I got any words out she slapped me. Then gave me the finger. This is the type of delightful girls you get at nightclubs around here. Funny how a girl can slap a guy for no reason and nobody cares but if I guy did that to a girl it would probably be called assault.

Saturday night

Went out solo for the first time in a while. Talked to some people in the line as soon as I got there. I made it my goal to do at least three approaches in the first 30-45 minutes then I would go back to my car to chill out for a while (something I've done other solo nights that seems to help). I did four approaches before going back to the car. One of those approaches was two girls standing near the entrance. One of them was pretty attractive and the other one was a little fat. The fat one was more friendly and talked more while the other one didn't have much to say. They were alright but didn't seem like the type of amazing people I'm looking for so I ejected.

After going back to the car I went back to the same club and did another six approaches. I was standing by one of the bars and saw a group of three girls lining up to get drinks near me. They were all attractive but one in particular. This one was tall, had thick dark hair, a great body and she was absolutely gorgeous. My idea of a '10.' At first I thought I'd be too intimidated to approach her but then I noticed she was wearing a birthday sash so I thought I'd at least wish her a happy birthday and go from there. She seemed nice but a little shy. She had just turned 18. I talked to her and one of the friends for a few minutes. She had to go over and talk to one of her friends but said she would come back. I didn't want to stand around waiting for her so I didn't. But just the act of approaching girls who are that good looking makes me feel good.

I did another few approaches out on the street before going home. Even though I didn't have any longer interactions and didn't meet any amazing people, I was very happy with myself for taking right action. In the 2.5 hours I was out I did 12 approaches which is a far more productive night than most of my nights when I'm out with the other guys. Plus there were no long phases of the night where I was just roaming around and not talking to anyone like there is on almost all of my nights out. I'm not sure what it is but going out solo just works for me.

Another thing I've noticed about solo nights is it's a lot easier for me to identify what areas I need to improve on. The lessons just become so much clearer. I don't know why that is.

One mistake I was making during the night and other nights recently has been not committing to the approach, which results in very short interactions. I need to commit to the approach more so I'm giving myself more of a chance to get to know them and figure out if they are the type of person I want in my life. Also need to remember to screen these girls for the qualities I'm looking for in a girlfriend.

Thoughts/rambling

I was thinking more about why I have gravitated towards bars and nightclubs for meeting girls. A big part of the reason I believe meeting girls at night has such great appeal is the potential for instant gratification. You can go out and meet a girl, be kissing her within minutes then have sex with her that same night. Ultimate instant gratification. When you go out to meet girls during the day, that's probably not going to happen. I guess it could but it's unlikely.

This got me thinking about how attached I have become to the lure of instant gratification this stuff can offer. In my journal I have always said my goal out of this is to gain confidence and become a guy who can attract high quality women and eventually one amazing girl. But in reality, my focus has been much more shortsighted than this. When I go out I'm focused on what will make me feel good that night, with very little concern for how it will move me towards my longer term goals.

I want my focus to shift from seeking out those little hits of instant gratification towards more of a long term perspective - an investor mindset. If something is just going to give me a short term fix of satisfaction but doesn't offer any long term benefits (like making out with some random girl) then it's not something I should worry about too much. That doesn't mean I don't still want those little hits of instant gratification like makeouts, numbers, sex.... It's just more of an acceptance these aren't the most important things because they won't make my life any better in 6 months...a year...20 years... And therefore if they don't happen it's no big deal.

Two big things I believe will deliver the best results long term are taking consistent, smart action (using my time wisely/efficiently) and bringing amazing people into my life. I really want to meet amazing, positive people and bring those people into my life. With my work and going out a lot I'm meeting a lot of people and starting to realise really amazing people are hard to find. I've noticed how many people live their life in a daze, with no signs on energy, enthusiasm or passion. So many people have to turn to drugs or other stimulus to find any enjoyment in their life. fresia that. That's not the type of people I want in my life. I want the cream of the crop in my life and I want to be the cream of the crop. When I do meet these amazing people I want to show my appreciation for them too.

I still want to connect with people who I don't consider the cream of the crop and enjoy them for what they do have to offer and try to brighten their day if I can. But I'm certainly not going to go out of my way to impress these people or make them a part of my life or take any bullshit from them.

This new approach and mindset may not yield such exciting results in the short term (or maybe it will) but I am confident that having the influence of these amazing people in my life and taking smart, consistent action will pay great dividends down the track. I'm confident it will put me in a better position 5 years from now than I would have been if I had continued on the path of seeking short term satisfaction with a lack of direction and focus on the future.