Small talk and high expectations

[Unwanted94]

Sometimes, I think the reason why our relationships with people never go anywhere is because of high expectations,and of course, small talk. Does anyone here actually like small talk? I don't....

Lately, I've been trying to be outgoing. You know. Less isolated,and I have to say, it feels good but strange at the same time... maybe it's because I'm just not used to it, but it's going well I think.
Anyway, whenever I talk to a stranger, I usually want the conversation to evolve into something deeper and more intimate...maybe even personal sometimes. I can converse well with others, but sometimes it just seems like the other person isn't really interested.How come 99% of my conversations never even go anywhere? Sometimes I wish I could just talk to someone for hours and then actually develop a friendship, but I'll talk to people at the skate park (for example) but it never leads anywhere. Am I doing something wrong? Maybe I'm being too distant? Maybe they think I'm boring? Should I go elsewhere? Maybe somewhere that isn't so "active" a bit more chill, like a music store, a book store or a club??

 

[VanillaCreme]

Small talk can be okay. I don't mind it. It's nice sometimes to not discuss deeply embedded thoughts. As far as expectations, I personally have none on other people. People can't possibly be expected to fulfill everything we think they can do. And if they do, then it's a reward.

 

[nerdygirl]

I'm not sure what you've been doing. Are you talking about people you've chatted briefly with repeatedly, or are these people you've only just met? I ask because if you're going up to a stranger and expecting the person to talk with you for hours... that's extremely unlikely. If these are people you've chatted with before, then you might just need to give it more time. Each time, you could try to make the conversation last just a little longer. Even one minute is an accomplishment. I think the most important thing to do, though, is to try and switch from expectation to hope.

I would probably be equally open to conversation at a skate park or music/ book store. If, when you said, "club," you meant a night club... please don't go into one and look for conversation! Very few people in there want to talk for more than a couple of minutes.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

Friends are born more from familiarity than an instant connection. With people you need them to feel comfortable around you. The best way to make comfort is to be pleasant. If people really enjoy the short time they spend with you. Then they will want to come back for more.

 

[Unwanted94]

I'm not sure what you've been doing. Are you talking about people you've chatted briefly with repeatedly, or are these people you've only just met? I ask because if you're going up to a stranger and expecting the person to talk with you for hours... that's extremely unlikely. If these are people you've chatted with before, then you might just need to give it more time. Each time, you could try to make the conversation last just a little longer. Even one minute is an accomplishment. I think the most important thing to do, though, is to try and switch from expectation to hope.

I would probably be equally open to conversation at a skate park or music/ book store. If, when you said, "club," you meant a night club... please don't go into one and look for conversation! Very few people in there want to talk for more than a couple of minutes.

I'm not sure what I've been doing as well, but I didn't mean hours all at once, but I agree. Thanks for the advice too because I actually thought night clubs would be great for conversation, but I guess not.

 

[Anten]

Night clubs aren't really great for conversations unless you are trying from a one night stand and the chick is biting.

The only way to get a great conversation flowing is either be a really good talker or talk about common interests. You need to connect with a person on a personal or emotional level to get a deep conversation going on with them. Also you can not press the issue for one, you have to let it flow naturally by talking to them not at them.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

You try reading books about being in the moment.
Its not what you say or dont say.
Its about being in the moment with people.
Its about building repore...like playing tennis.
Back and forth.

If you're shy then ypu need to speak up more.
If you talk too **** much then you need
To learn how to listen and stfu...

just like tennis..if youre scoring pionts
all the time...poeple dont wamna play with
Ya.
If you suck or dont return servs..
Thats not fun either.

Its about equality and balance.
The conversation takes on a life of its own.

Of course you wanna stay positive.

Some people thinks that a deeper connection
Is aboit talking fucken problems.
Yes we all need someone to listen to
Us from time to time...

---

Jts about balance.
At the sametime learning how to go with the flow.

Im a musicain...i also improvise.
If i think too **** much, ill miss a beat and fresia up.
Its learning to play through mistakes or just going with the flow.
Being the moment.
Kinda like dancing with my woman...
I dont know exacty when she gonna want to spin or
Do her dance moves but im in the moment with her.
When she wants me to dip her...im there.
In other words Im open to the infinite possibilities.

---

When im dancing with Renae.....
Were in our own world sort of speak.
Im awear of my surroundings.
At the same time i dont worry what
People are thinking about us..
General there people watching us dance.

Its the same when i get on the stage...
If i worry too much, ill get stage freight
Then fresia up.
Exposure...helps.

The more i dance with Renae the more
i beome comfortable.

The more i stay in the moment with people
the more i get comfortable...its not a big deal.
By defualt my expectations are removed.

 

[beans]

Sometimes, I think the reason why our relationships with people never go anywhere is because of high expectations,and of course, small talk. Does anyone here actually like small talk? I don't....

God, I know exactly what you mean. There's an article here done by science daily which talks about our well being is related to having LESS small talk and more substantive talk.


http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2010/03/100304165902.htm


I completely agree. I am not into small talk as sometimes I find them kind of superficial but they are 'okay' because most people just have no clue if its alright to dive into deeper and more personal topics. So they play along thinking YOU'D be okay with small talk and you'd be assuming the same of them too.

But then again, I do find that some people prefer small-surface talk because really, they don't want to be known. They just don't want you to know them better. They know that once they get into deep talks with you, that they'd be bearing their soul and opening their hearts to you and that means being vulnerable and people want to avoid that.

It's HARD. For me, I just don't care anymore. Sometimes if I am having a one to one outing with a stranger that I meet from a social networking site, I'd bare my soul a bit and I'd ask them questions like "So how's life treating you" or "Man, do you ever know what you want to do?" in a light manner and see how they respond. Or if I'm at a social event, I'd just ask something philosophical (this is after I feel like I'm pretty comfortable talking to them) like "Do you think life is fair? Discuss."

I mean it's so fun to see what their answers are sometimes as compared to having small talk like "So what do you do?" Or "What are your interests?" Come on.

And you know, some people may even think you're weird or crossing the barriers or even being rude and too personal. If they took offence, just apologize and you know they're not the kind of person you'd want to get to know better. But really, if you just be yourself, you might attract the kind of people you want to rather than be courteous and 'normal' and have all these boring people accept you but not really getting to know others like yourself.

I think once I told someone that I was emailing a classmate of mine and he asked me what did I talk about with that classmate of mine? I said "Life" and he went like "You talked about LIFE?" Like it was the most stupid thing to do. I dunno....

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Whats s ddeper more interesting subject to
You? The size of your dick?
Or your ability construct and phrase the English
Language as a poetic jester to amuze poeple. To
boost your ego.
Youre still doing....look at ne, look at ne.
Its too much wirk for most people to decipher your
Sale pitch. You loose odoples attention
And to some conversations as such are dry and boring.
You're still coming from a place
Of thinking you're superior than others.....
Which is a mother fucken turn off.

Small talks...
Being in the moment also means equally.

---

IF YOU WERE SMART....YOU WOULD BE ABLE TO
FIGURE THAT OUT, WOULDN'T YA?

 

[Anten]

I kinda get what LC is getting at. No one wants hear you to drone on about life unless they ask you because otherwise you end up looking pretentious. Keep deeper meaning stuff away until it comes up naturally.

 

[Unwanted94]

Sometimes, I think the reason why our relationships with people never go anywhere is because of high expectations,and of course, small talk. Does anyone here actually like small talk? I don't....

God, I know exactly what you mean. There's an article here done by science daily which talks about our well being is related to having LESS small talk and more substantive talk.


http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2010/03/100304165902.htm


I completely agree. I am not into small talk as sometimes I find them kind of superficial but they are 'okay' because most people just have no clue if its alright to dive into deeper and more personal topics. So they play along thinking YOU'D be okay with small talk and you'd be assuming the same of them too.

But then again, I do find that some people prefer small-surface talk because really, they don't want to be known. They just don't want you to know them better. They know that once they get into deep talks with you, that they'd be bearing their soul and opening their hearts to you and that means being vulnerable and people want to avoid that.

It's HARD. For me, I just don't care anymore. Sometimes if I am having a one to one outing with a stranger that I meet from a social networking site, I'd bare my soul a bit and I'd ask them questions like "So how's life treating you" or "Man, do you ever know what you want to do?" in a light manner and see how they respond. Or if I'm at a social event, I'd just ask something philosophical (this is after I feel like I'm pretty comfortable talking to them) like "Do you think life is fair? Discuss."

I mean it's so fun to see what their answers are sometimes as compared to having small talk like "So what do you do?" Or "What are your interests?" Come on.

And you know, some people may even think you're weird or crossing the barriers or even being rude and too personal. If they took offence, just apologize and you know they're not the kind of person you'd want to get to know better. But really, if you just be yourself, you might attract the kind of people you want to rather than be courteous and 'normal' and have all these boring people accept you but not really getting to know others like yourself.

I think once I told someone that I was emailing a classmate of mine and he asked me what did I talk about with that classmate of mine? I said "Life" and he went like "You talked about LIFE?" Like it was the most stupid thing to do. I dunno....

Exactly. I never realized how common small-talk really is. Naturally, I always seem to go into depth about a lot of things, but I completely agree with you too. Some people just don't want to be known or want to feel vulnerable. No one wants to feel vulnerable. I think if we all give off a good vibe, we should all be able to attract the right kind of people. Ones that we can have good meaningful conversations with. By the way, I think your teacher/classmate was surprised that you were talking about life, because they're probably used to people talking about other things like video games, television, and other gadgets. It's nice to find some real people out there, with real emotions and real things to discuss......

---

I kinda get what LC is getting at. No one wants hear you to drone on about life unless they ask you because otherwise you end up looking pretentious. Keep deeper meaning stuff away until it comes up naturally.

I agree. That's what I usually do. Forcing a subject upon a person can be intimidating and uncomfortable.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

It also depends pn your mood of hoe ypu can
Tolerate people.
Deep conversation is draining. You simply
need more energy to think. If ypure
Irriable and discontent to begin with,
Which i get from time... its easier
For me to make somple light heart commonts..
Then im on my way...without being rude.
Itd not a big deal.
If im not well rested youll generally loose my
Attention within 5 mins. Then i just
Wonna hear facts cuase im a guy....
Women wanna express more in details
Abd get more emotional....
Such as go into details of the shade
Of her nails and where she got her
Nail polish, whom referred her and
How she relates it to some child hood
Cartoon character....
Well to me its

---

Mother fucken red....
And it aint got nothing to do with nothing.

If you lived with women ,youll get
Acused of being insensity...

Not in the moment with her.lol

 

[Unwanted94]

I just have to learn not to expect much with people. Maybe it's just me, but it seems like the more I go out, the more content I become with being alone. I don't why that is, but that's what it seems like...

 

[beans]

I kinda get what LC is getting at. No one wants hear you to drone on about life unless they ask you because otherwise you end up looking pretentious. Keep deeper meaning stuff away until it comes up naturally.

Deeper meaning stuff helps you discover more of life, not about droning. Small talk can be droning.

---

I just have to learn not to expect much with people. Maybe it's just me, but it seems like the more I go out, the more content I become with being alone. I don't why that is, but that's what it seems like...

Maybe you meet low quality people, that's why. Or maybe you can't get along with the majority, so of course you have to settle for the next best thing which is to be content with being alone. You should never expecting anything unrealistic. But not having expectations usually tell me that the person is not capable of dealing with disappointment and hurts. So you protect yourself this way.

 

[Anten]

I kinda get what LC is getting at. No one wants hear you to drone on about life unless they ask you because otherwise you end up looking pretentious. Keep deeper meaning stuff away until it comes up naturally.

Deeper meaning stuff helps you discover more of life, not about droning. Small talk can be droning.

Yes but you guys are talking about rushing into deep conversation after chatting for a couple of minutes. Yes it is possible but what do you bring to the table? Is the person even interested in what you are talking about. That doesn't say anything about their character it says something about you, that you lack diversity of subject material. I hung out with a guy who could get into deep conversations with people but he had a lot of experience in different walks of life so he brought that to the table. He could control a conversation and he never complained about people who only meddled only in small talk. If you are an interesting enough person people will talk to you and if you have the gift of gab you can have them wrapped around your finger.

 

[beans]

I kinda get what LC is getting at. No one wants hear you to drone on about life unless they ask you because otherwise you end up looking pretentious. Keep deeper meaning stuff away until it comes up naturally.

Deeper meaning stuff helps you discover more of life, not about droning. Small talk can be droning.

Yes but you guys are talking about rushing into deep conversation after chatting for a couple of minutes. Yes it is possible but what do you bring to the table? Is the person even interested in what you are talking about. That doesn't say anything about their character it says something about you, that you lack diversity of subject material. I hung out with a guy who could get into deep conversations with people but he had a lot of experience in different walks of life so he brought that to the table. He could control a conversation and he never complained about people who only meddled only in small talk. If you are an interesting enough person people will talk to you and if you have the gift of gab you can have them wrapped around your finger.

I don't have the intention of wrapping people around my finger. And not everybody wants to listen to people's experiences in life all the time. Some people may be just interested in view and opinions about other things.

 

[Anten]

Your experiences in life is how you get views and opinions. Someone who grew up with motorcycles will have an affection for them more so than someone who didn't, they will also have greater knowledge of motorcycles with first hand experience. The more you are exposed to the more experience you have and in turn the more you have to talk about and relate with other people.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

I generally can talk about music all day, every day, and not get bored.

However, try to talk to me about sports or cars, and prepare for my eyes to glaze over.

 

[Unwanted94]

I generally can talk about music all day, every day, and not get bored.

However, try to talk to me about sports or cars, and prepare for my eyes to glaze over.

Same here. If someone discusses something I find uninteresting, sometimes I won't say much, I'll pretend to be interested, or I'll try to relate, but I understand. Some subjects can be... yawn.

 

[Unwanted94]

I forgot to mention online dating. Such fuckery. So glad I gave up on that.Bored and desperation led me to that b-s.