Unusual Issue...

[Treehere]

Don't you just hate when you know the source of the problem you're having?

But your lack of confidence is so great, that you find yourself unable to deal with it?

This happens to me more then often. It's one of the reasons I joined this forum. I want to learn how to deal with it because this is slowly eating at me.

I'll be honest, I have my fair share of friends. Though I feel the reason I have so many friends is because I work VERY hard on being liked. Far too hard. It consumes most of my life. And just writing this I'm looking back on the last week and realising that most of it contains stressing out whether people hate me or not, how many people like me, how many people want to hang out with me.

It's stupid. I know. And people just tell me, don't care what other people think! Easier said then done. This is deeply rooted in me; mostly due to my mother I think who used to get very angry at me because I never made friends when I was younger. So to win her respect and love, I HAD to make friends when I was younger or risk being yelled at all the time. Now it's mutated into a strange form of distress whenever I think I'm disliked.

I realise too that I'm constantly comparing myself to other people. I look at other people and I see them loving their friends, friends constantly inviting them out and realise, just for a fleeting moment that I'm unloved by all my friends.

To which I instantly put down to the fact that I'm not fun. I'm boring and unattractive to people. Who would want to hang with me?

Maybe I need professional help again, but hell, I work hard at making the counsellor like me last time when I was there rather then talk about my own feelings.

I want to be broken out of this. Somehow. I want the strength. Then again, maybe I just want the strength so that I can be loved again.

 

[Badjedidude]

You're equating love with like, that's your problem here. Just because someone likes you doesn't mean that they love you. What you are basically doing is stressing yourself out to make others like you, and when they do end up liking you, you somehow take that to mean that you are loved... which is quite simply untrue.

Love comes without condition. As a personal example, I love my dad. There's no doubt about that. He's family, he brought me into the world, I would die for him if it came to that. But do I like him? fresia no. He's just not the type of person I can get along with very easily.

It's the same with friends. You have to understand that most friends you have will never love you. And they'll only like you because you're bringing something to the table. But it's never about love, not for them. And you need to stop making this about LOVE, because it isn't. Love is deeper and comes only rarely in friendship. Seriously.

What I suggest is that instead of trying to make everyone like you, focus on a FEW friends. Start with... maybe three or four friends to focus on. Don't give them all of your time, either. You need some time to be on your own and consider yourself. But start slow, with fewer friends. Just don't hang out with the others, and if they dislike you for that, who cares? Ultimately people will like you more if you stop playing the "yes" game and start being YOUR OWN PERSON.

 

[Treehere]

Thanks a million for your reply Badjedidude. Gave me a lot of insight!

 

[csmswhs]

hi, i don't have a problem making friends either for the most part if i want to. my problem is, i don't want alot of friends.

i want a friend that i can truly relate to, and i know truly cares about me.

i really wish you luck

(i have edited this post 3 times, woopsy

 

[Treehere]

It's the same with me. I have a lot of trivial friends, that I would hang out with from time to time, say hi to, etc. But for deep meaningful connections, I try to reserve those to four, five people in my life who are truly wonderful to me.

 

[csmswhs]

It's the same with me. I have a lot of trivial friends, that I would hang out with from time to time, say hi to, etc. But for deep meaningful connections, I try to reserve those to four, five people in my life who are truly wonderful to me.

you said that your major distress is that you 'work VERY hard on being liked. Far too hard. It consumes most of my life'

our distress is different because i don't work hard on being liked, so that makes many people not like me, and also its a stress to have to pretend everyday that i like them. i do worry about what people think too sometimes, but i don't want to have to.

i said above that i could have friends if i wanted. if i become someone i'm not, and lose almost every piece of who i am. (unfortunatly there are so many pieces, it gets confusing sometimes)

there are people who seem to like me for who i am too, at least the small bit they know of me, but don't feel like i fully relate.

i feel really bad for you because it is hard trying to please people all the time, because if you don't hell will come to your shoulders.

and nothing is ever good enough for everyone.

one way i've been trying to escape this problem is trying to get away from them.

i wish i had an answer for you. i worry about what people think too sometimes, but don't want to

i hope you find a way to solve your problem, i wish i could help but don't know how the only thing for me is getting away. and i doubt that would be something you would want to do.

good luck

 

[Treehere]

Yes, it is quite hard, but I'm slowly coming to terms with myself.

And it's almost like this 'smiley happy positive Tree' has not just become an extension of myself but is slowly becoming my daily personality.

I have come to learn one thing, people generally don't give a crap if they're left behind because they never gave a crap in the first place. So you can leave them behind, no guilt packaged with it, and concentrate on the people you really care about.

 

[tehdreamer]

I have a problem with wanting to be liked too. It really gets under my skin when someone hates me, especially for reasons unknown to me. I used to try to bend and shape myself to be someone that everyone liked and loved. And it is very stressful and time consuming. You just end up with a bunch of people who like this fake image of you and not who you really are. And if you make a the mistake of showing them who you are, just once, they'll drop you like a hot rock.

I've long since learned to just do my best at being myself. I'm not the best person in the world, but I'm not the worst either so if a person can't accept me when I'm at my worst, they sure as hell don't deserve to be around me when I'm at my best.

So, I still worry if people like me or not, but I don't let it control me. Because no matter what you do, you can't make everyone like you. People will always have something they don't like in another person be it clashing personality traits or something trivial like the color of their hair. It's just best to be who you are and let people like you for that.

 

[Treehere]

Agreed Dreamer. I get upset when people seem to randomally dislike me, but I can shrug it off waaay better then I used to. 8D

 

[epic fale boy]

y'all lucky really... being able to make shallow friends easily gives you access to a large number of people who are already inclined to be sociable with you, which means it's way more likely you'll meet those one or two good friends...

I can't even make shallow friends... not at all...

I get confused on the random, very rare occasions someone's nice to me. It scares me, so I run (not quite literally... but not far off).

 

[csmswhs]

Yes, it is quite hard, but I'm slowly coming to terms with myself.

And it's almost like this 'smiley happy positive Tree' has not just become an extension of myself but is slowly becoming my daily personality.

I have come to learn one thing, people generally don't give a crap if they're left behind because they never gave a crap in the first place. So you can leave them behind, no guilt packaged with it, and concentrate on the people you really care about.

yeah maybe its all about finding people to relate with, whether it may only be 1 person in the entire world. rather than trying to be best friends with everyone.

i have received much grief for being so-called anti-social. i am friendly, but don't go beyond that with most of the people i'm around. they take it the wrong way. most of the people i'm around every day think its 'wierd' to be alone, etc...

i don't. and i would rather focus more on a slight few people in my life than trying to placate some big social persona.

recently someone i know invited me to be on facebook, and i did it, but really didn't feel i was the 'facebook' type of person.

i'm not sure if i'll keep the account.

sorry for rambling, sometimes i hardly say anything, sometimes i ramble. i hope its not annoying you.

(see, i worry too, some people say i worry too much, some people say i don't enough, some people think i'm too polite, some people probably think i'm rude, some people say i'm quiet, some people don't, i just don't know. phew

i wish i was more of a steady person. i am quite unstable (but stable too

ok, now you really think i'm a nutter. i will shut up now.

good luck

 

[tehdreamer]

y'all lucky really... being able to make shallow friends easily gives you access to a large number of people who are already inclined to be sociable with you, which means it's way more likely you'll meet those one or two good friends...

I can't even make shallow friends... not at all...

I get confused on the random, very rare occasions someone's nice to me. It scares me, so I run (not quite literally... but not far off).

I really wouldn't even call them friends. More like acquaintances, because most people I know, I only get to talk to once or twice a week in a IM or chat room about frivolous stuff. It's fine if you just want to pass the time, but I still feel very alone and lonely. It's like being alone in a crowd, but virtually and not offline.

 

[epic fale boy]

--s'ok, I was being green-eyed an' bitter lol --

I used to chat with someone online, and it was like... like almost as though there was a tissue thin glass layer between the 'real' friendship being looked for and the actual not-really-friendship chatter... It sort of amplified the lack of depth.

 

[csmswhs]

--s'ok, I was being green-eyed an' bitter lol --

no worries about being green-eyed and bitter. there's probably alot of things i could be green eyed and bitter about you too

i've been bitter about alot of things lately. i don't want to be, but its hard not to sometimes.

 

[VanillaCreme]

When you like yourself, others like you for who you are. And then growing close to people ends up in them loving you for who you are. I'm slowly starting to realize that I'm not as bad as I make myself out to be. I too think I'm boring and unattractive. But, that's just what I think. Not everything thinks that of me. And I need to realize that not everyone thinks of me what I do. People like you because they want to. So don't stress yourself out with wanting to make people like you.

 

[Daan]

Don't you just hate when you know the source of the problem you're having?

But your lack of confidence is so great, that you find yourself unable to deal with it?

This happens to me more then often. It's one of the reasons I joined this forum. I want to learn how to deal with it because this is slowly eating at me.

I'll be honest, I have my fair share of friends. Though I feel the reason I have so many friends is because I work VERY hard on being liked. Far too hard. It consumes most of my life. And just writing this I'm looking back on the last week and realising that most of it contains stressing out whether people hate me or not, how many people like me, how many people want to hang out with me.

It's stupid. I know. And people just tell me, don't care what other people think! Easier said then done. This is deeply rooted in me; mostly due to my mother I think who used to get very angry at me because I never made friends when I was younger. So to win her respect and love, I HAD to make friends when I was younger or risk being yelled at all the time. Now it's mutated into a strange form of distress whenever I think I'm disliked.

I realise too that I'm constantly comparing myself to other people. I look at other people and I see them loving their friends, friends constantly inviting them out and realise, just for a fleeting moment that I'm unloved by all my friends.

To which I instantly put down to the fact that I'm not fun. I'm boring and unattractive to people. Who would want to hang with me?

Maybe I need professional help again, but hell, I work hard at making the counsellor like me last time when I was there rather then talk about my own feelings.

I want to be broken out of this. Somehow. I want the strength. Then again, maybe I just want the strength so that I can be loved again.

A female friend of mine has the same problem. Strange thing is, that she doesn't seem different from other people who i am friends with. I can't see the difference between the effort to be liked and the people who don't seem to care. I guess, if you stop trying to be liked, you will be just as liked as before.

I also had a lot of problems with being liked. For years i had far too little friends, and i got a bad relationship with my family, so i was very alone. At the time i thought i had autism, but it now appears i was very lonely, suffering from a depression and living like a hermit.

Nowadays it is very easy for me to make friends. But, i am still easily depressed. At the moment i am depressed, i think. I am too much alone. Though in the past week i had an appointment with friends nearly every day.

I think i treat people very different from you. I have the tendency to only spend time with those who are really friendly, mostly they are shy straight guys. The other people don't really want to spend time with me, which is okay with me. But, i am pretty open. At work i have become friends with women that were 20 years older than me, and also with very funny, outgoing people.

---

y'all lucky really... being able to make shallow friends easily gives you access to a large number of people who are already inclined to be sociable with you, which means it's way more likely you'll meet those one or two good friends...

I can't even make shallow friends... not at all...

I get confused on the random, very rare occasions someone's nice to me. It scares me, so I run (not quite literally... but not far off).

I used to be like you. I got most of my friends from a student union. Joining a union, or social club could be a good way to make friends for you.

It also might help to just invite someone you spend time with for a few weeks at work, study, union to dinner or cinema, or a drink in a pub. In friendship, either the one or the other has to make the initiative, otherwise you both won't become friends.

---

I have a problem with wanting to be liked too. It really gets under my skin when someone hates me, especially for reasons unknown to me. I used to try to bend and shape myself to be someone that everyone liked and loved. And it is very stressful and time consuming. You just end up with a bunch of people who like this fake image of you and not who you really are. And if you make a the mistake of showing them who you are, just once, they'll drop you like a hot rock.

I've long since learned to just do my best at being myself. I'm not the best person in the world, but I'm not the worst either so if a person can't accept me when I'm at my worst, they sure as hell don't deserve to be around me when I'm at my best.

So, I still worry if people like me or not, but I don't let it control me. Because no matter what you do, you can't make everyone like you. People will always have something they don't like in another person be it clashing personality traits or something trivial like the color of their hair. It's just best to be who you are and let people like you for that.

I used to be distressed that people might not like me as well. It was reduced thanks to working at a kindergarten. I had the impression that one 5 year old girl didn't like me, and immediately blamed myself. Than after a couple of months another girl came to me and she was angry with the first girl, because she didn't like the other girl. That convinced me that people who dislike me, also could dislike other people easily. And that it is actually some sort of social handicap to easily dislike people. The open, friendly, funny, easily forgiven people are the most strongest and healthy.

 

[ThinkPositive]

Try working a customer service job. In work situations at least, I brush off people who are upset at me, partially because you'll go crazy if you don't. All sorts of strangers have all-out yelled at me and thrown personal insults at me for no other reason than that I was working at the place that I work.

Unfortunately for me, this doesn't translate into non-work social situations...but for me, it's more of not wanting to upset people than needing to be liked/loved. It makes me feel like an ******* if someone is upset...I tend to take too much personal responsibility in everything. I think this was made worse by my ex who had anger issues and easily used to get disproportionally upset with me.

I think we all just have to remember that it's impossible to please everyone. People have different needs, likes and dislikes. Not to make you more paranoid, Tree, but for example, someone might see your efforts to be liked as "fake" and not like you for that reason. I think social skill is a constant balance between being completely honest and being yourself, and being sensitive to the needs of others.

 

[Treehere]

When you like yourself, others like you for who you are. And then growing close to people ends up in them loving you for who you are. I'm slowly starting to realize that I'm not as bad as I make myself out to be. I too think I'm boring and unattractive. But, that's just what I think. Not everything thinks that of me. And I need to realize that not everyone thinks of me what I do. People like you because they want to. So don't stress yourself out with wanting to make people like you.

'Boring and unattractive'; I used to think that too. But the words of others and my own experience are being to change that.

Look at yourself in the mirror and smile sometimes. You'll be surprised

Try working a customer service job. In work situations at least, I brush off people who are upset at me, partially because you'll go crazy if you don't. All sorts of strangers have all-out yelled at me and thrown personal insults at me for no other reason than that I was working at the place that I work.

Unfortunately for me, this doesn't translate into non-work social situations...but for me, it's more of not wanting to upset people than needing to be liked/loved. It makes me feel like an ******* if someone is upset...I tend to take too much personal responsibility in everything. I think this was made worse by my ex who had anger issues and easily used to get disproportionally upset with me.

I think we all just have to remember that it's impossible to please everyone. People have different needs, likes and dislikes. Not to make you more paranoid, Tree, but for example, someone might see your efforts to be liked as "fake" and not like you for that reason. I think social skill is a constant balance between being completely honest and being yourself, and being sensitive to the needs of others.

I get this. In the last year or so, I've had to get a bit stronger because I was working on a team with close friends. Bad side effect of that is that one or two of them had to be criticized or even thrown off the team all together because they were simply not doing the work. Assholey as much as it sounds, it does harden your heart a little and made me realize that I should stand up for myself more.

I became a lot more confident after that experience and realized also that I can't please everyone. In the end, words and the advice are only a stepping stone, the true walk is living through the experience yourself.

No paranoia taken. It's far easier to be natural then 'fake it til you make it' anyways as my friend says.