Watching as my ex moves on

[Aqualonde]

Hi. So... I've had this relationship for the past years. As always, my whole social life was derived from my partner's, and now that he is gone, those few "friends" are too. I'm in complete loneliness again. Been a few weeks since I've last talked to anyone but him. Even if he doesn't love me anymore, we try to keep in touch every day, since he is still the best and only friend I have. But I just now came to know he's moved on already and his new (and handsome) boyfriend is spending a few days at his place, so he'll be offline until next monday. This is not the first time I go through this. Possibly not even the last. But it's not getting any easier. Does anyone have a tip on how to cope with no longer being important to someone? On how to get through the day knowing the one person you usually talk to is now with someone better and there's nothing but silence waiting for you in the next days? I'm trying to stay focused on my job today, but it's monotonous and not working so far. Maybe I shouldn't keep in touch with him if there's a chance that a more complete loneliness will hurt less than knowing how he is doing?

(sorry for bringing such teen-esque drama here, I just can't pay for professional help and there's no one who I can talk to about this)

 

[EveWasFramed]

Sever the ties. Delete him from any social media, etc.
It will be painful, but will aid in the mourning process. *hug*

 

[Aqualonde]

Sever the ties. Delete him from any social media, etc.
It will be painful, but will aid in the mourning process. *hug*

Anyone with a brain would consider this the best advice, Eve. And I know it is. But I've done it before. And turning my years with him into a bad memory, leaving nothing but this pain to associate them with... It's hard to choose feeling like that again. But insisting on keeping these ties and reaching a point where I'm in peace with being just a minor and meaningless part of his life... Is that even possible? ):

 

[EveWasFramed]

Sever the ties. Delete him from any social media, etc.
It will be painful, but will aid in the mourning process. *hug*

Anyone with a brain would consider this the best advice, Eve. And I know it is. But I've done it before. And turning my years with him into a bad memory, leaving nothing but this pain to associate them with... It's hard to choose feeling like that again. But insisting on keeping these ties and reaching a point where I'm in peace with being just a minor and meaningless part of his life... Is that even possible? ):

The sooner you close the wound, the faster it will heal. I'm fully aware of how painful it is (and you seem to be fully aware as well). Mourning that loss, the loss of your significant other, as well as all that it entailed (mutual friends, etc) is a pain like no other. There's simply nothing to compare it to.
The more you cared, the deeper that wound is going to be. Continuing contact is like picking at it until it's open and bleeding again.
I don't discount what you're saying - I truly understand.
I guess you will need to decide which hurts more - cutting all ties or being constantly reminded of what you lost.

 

[ABrokenMan]

18 months for me, because I've only started to be pro-active and finally deal with the effects (no more contact, social media, etc)
I miss / crave my ex, despite this, and it burns like nothing ever has. She literally wrecked my soul, leaving me as a shell, barely able to function. I'll have scars for the rest of my life.

It took a traumatic event I witnessed when with my ex back in late August to finally shatter the mirror of illusion, for good. It was all her fault, because she is mentally ill. And me, I'm co-dependent.

Do yourself a favor, cut off all ties, because if you do not, the pain and emotional suffering will only increase tenfold.
I know.
Best wishes to you!

 

[LonesomeLoner]

You are getting nothing but hurt feelings, like said above, it's best to cut ties and move on.

 

[Aqualonde]

It's not going down well... This day isn't ending happily so far. Just refused a friendly conversation with my ex. I'll stay away from facebook for a few days, see how that plays out. I don't want to be left a shell, I've been through this before. Why it doesn't get easier?

But I don't want to give up on him like this, I don't want it all to mean nothing, I don't want to forget

 

[ladyforsaken]

I would say that Eve gave a really good advice up there. It may or may not work depending on what type of person you are.

If you find it hard to move on, or to feel better because your ex is still in contact with you, then I think it's best you try to do what Eve suggested, cut contact. Cos if you're not disciplined enough to remain being yourself and to keep working on healing while you're still in contact with him, it won't do you any good.

I have found that some people, very small number though, can keep in touch with their exes and still move on and heal. It all depends really, I'm not very sure of what factors it depends on but from what I read of your situation, it sounds like you do need a break away from your ex. It's not easy, no way, but it's crucial for your own well-being and healing.

Good luck.

 

[Case]

Eve's advice is clearly the best. However, a painful romance of mine ended badly some time ago where I was no longer on friendly terms with my ex. We split apart and did not socialize for six months. Then, I decided that she was important enough to me that I wanted to be her friend. I felt this way because I no longer saw her as a romantic partner and I had lost that deep desire I had for her. Surprisingly, she was happy to work on a friendship, and almost nine years later, she is one of the best friends I have right now. It was very difficult for me, but that time away from her put her out of my head long enough to stop thinking of her romantically. Once that happened, I felt I could really be a true friend to her, and it worked out nicely.

So, if you want to remain his friend, give yourself some time away from him. You need to re-frame this guy in your head as a guy who was wrong for you, and you must feel down to your bones that you are better off not being his lover. At least, that is what I have done. I still think that no contact is best, but if you think a friendship is possible, you still need to get to a mental place where you do not think of him romantically anymore.

Honestly speaking, if you cannot get to that place in your head, a friendship with him will only be a constant torture for you.

 

[EveWasFramed]

I have found that some people, very small number though, can keep in touch with their exes and still move on and heal. It all depends really, I'm not very sure of what factors it depends on but from what I read of your situation, it sounds like you do need a break away from your ex. It's not easy, no way, but it's crucial for your own well-being and healing.

Good luck.

I was only ever to stay friends with one of my exes. Unless the OP feels they will be friends at some point, cut contact. Lady F is exactly right.
And when I say "remain friends" please know that THAT can be a monumental task. The other person needs to be interested in remaining friends as well. I think the fact that he already has someone else will prohibit you from truly being "friends" after the fact. You won't be able to see him with someone else, nor treat him normally (as a friend). It will simply be impossible for you in my opinion. As I said previously, it's just going to prolong your agony.
In the end, it's you who is suffering and you know yourself better than any of us can.

---

Eve's advice is clearly the best. However, a painful romance of mine ended badly some time ago where I was no longer on friendly terms with my ex. We split apart and did not socialize for six months. Then, I decided that she was important enough to me that I wanted to be her friend. I felt this way because I no longer saw her as a romantic partner and I had lost that deep desire I had for her. Surprisingly, she was happy to work on a friendship, and almost nine years later, she is one of the best friends I have right now. It was very difficult for me, but that time away from her put her out of my head long enough to stop thinking of her romantically. Once that happened, I felt I could really be a true friend to her, and it worked out nicely.

So, if you want to remain his friend, give yourself some time away from him. You need to re-frame this guy in your head as a guy who was wrong for you, and you must feel down to your bones that you are better off not being his lover. At least, that is what I have done. I still think that no contact is best, but if you think a friendship is possible, you still need to get to a mental place where you do not think of him romantically anymore.

Honestly speaking, if you cannot get to that place in your head, a friendship with him will only be a constant torture for you.

EXCELLENT post, Case.

 

[SophiaGrace]

Maybe start focusing on making contacts with other people and then slowly decrease contact with your ex, and increase contact with them?

What am I saying? This isn't an exact science here.

 

[Erevetot]

unless you're completely sure you'll reach a point that he'll be just a friend for you and you won't have any more feelings about him, you're gonna have to cut all ties!

as mentioned,it'll suck, but it's the best option. IMO it's better to put it in the past and move on, that try to keep in contact etc and always have that bit of pain inside you

meet new people, make new friends, move on as well !

 

[Case]

EXCELLENT post, Case.

Thank ya, Eve.

 

[Aqualonde]

Well, the advice I got here is sound, even if the reality of things won't change. I will stop accepting contact from him. And I will leave Facebook altogether for now. There's no one else left in my life for me to befriend at the moment. Someday there will be, maybe I will move towns in a few years or something. I just need to cope with the loneliness I"ll find where his voice used to be. I live alone in the biggest city south of the equator. Been here for the past 7 years and bonding with the people here is almost an impossible task. I can't even keep long or mid term online friendships, to be honest. If I can manage just a few more years in this complete solitude I'm sure losing contact with him will be worth it... Yeah, hope is what I need to follow the advice you guys gave me. Hope that someday I will make a new friend or even enter a new relationship. So that there will be no need to get attached to what I lost.

Thanks to everyone who took their time to read this, Eve, Lady F., Case, Broken, Loner, Sophia and Erevetot.

---

And... one last thing... This plush donkey is the last thing I have left of him. I really, really love it, but the more I lose contact with him, the more it becomes just a painful thing to have with me. Is it healthy to ger rid of it...?

 

[Solivagant]

And... one last thing... This plush donkey is the last thing I have left of him. I really, really love it, but the more I lose contact with him, the more it becomes just a painful thing to have with me. Is it healthy to ger rid of it...?

Cute! I'm no expert on this subject, but I wouldn't get rid of that. However I would store it away for now so you're not looking at it. When you take it out again some time from now, it might make you smile. (If it doesn't though, then I'd get rid of it.)

I wouldn't say it's unhealthy to get rid of it now though, if you want to.

 

[EveWasFramed]

If there's any way you think you can handle getting rid of it, do so. Don't linger over the decision - just do it immediately. If you absolutely can't part with it, pack it away somewhere that you can't easily access it for now.

 

[ladyforsaken]

And when I say "remain friends" please know that THAT can be a monumental task. The other person needs to be interested in remaining friends as well.

I have to emphasise on what Eve said here. If you were to take that stay-friendly path - you really really have to be sure both of you mutually feel the same way and can do it.

If there's any way you think you can handle getting rid of it, do so. Don't linger over the decision - just do it immediately. If you absolutely can't part with it, pack it away somewhere that you can't easily access it for now.

This. I was thinking, if you really really like it, you could pack it away for now. And when you're doing much better, you can take it out again, without it being much of a bother to you. It really does help (putting it away temporarily until you're ready) in healing.