blue_azure
Well-known member
In all truth, I seem very problem-free. I have great friends, family.... yet no matter how much I remind myself I do have them, I feel very lonely. For so many years I have awakened only to feel like I am alone in this world. Part of me calls myself weak and useless.
What I really want is just to feel safe and protected. I know that having a boyfriend is no cure to everything but a part of me really wants one. To feel arms around me... Countless times I have awakened from dreams where there is someone's arms around me and they felt so warm and comforting. Those were dreams I wished will never end. Every night and every morning I cry. I feel so empty.
It's not like I feel so hollow everyday. I started feeling really lonely when I was 12. I am now 19. I always assumed it was part of some angsty, emo-ridden teenage puberty thing. But now I know I am way past puberty and more or less my hormones should be balanced. When I am happy, I am happy. It's just that sometimes I can feel lonely despite being with people. Tears well up and those are times where I really hate myself for being so weak.
I have never dated or had any intimate contact with the opposite sex before. Is this the cause?
A few times I have already contemplated suicide. But the logical part of me always stop me. I feel like I have two split personalities in me. One is Mind and another is Heart. Mind is king. So even if Heart cries, she still has to follow Mind.
Really, I just need to let this out. I can't possibly tell this to my friends. I just... don't trust them enough. Perhaps I am just another of those stupid fools.
What I really want is just to feel safe and protected. I know that having a boyfriend is no cure to everything but a part of me really wants one. To feel arms around me... Countless times I have awakened from dreams where there is someone's arms around me and they felt so warm and comforting. Those were dreams I wished will never end. Every night and every morning I cry. I feel so empty.
It's not like I feel so hollow everyday. I started feeling really lonely when I was 12. I am now 19. I always assumed it was part of some angsty, emo-ridden teenage puberty thing. But now I know I am way past puberty and more or less my hormones should be balanced. When I am happy, I am happy. It's just that sometimes I can feel lonely despite being with people. Tears well up and those are times where I really hate myself for being so weak.
I have never dated or had any intimate contact with the opposite sex before. Is this the cause?
A few times I have already contemplated suicide. But the logical part of me always stop me. I feel like I have two split personalities in me. One is Mind and another is Heart. Mind is king. So even if Heart cries, she still has to follow Mind.
Really, I just need to let this out. I can't possibly tell this to my friends. I just... don't trust them enough. Perhaps I am just another of those stupid fools.