L
Luna
Guest
...do we feel the way we do?
Before we get started, I just want to clarify that I do not want this to be topic to be solely about me. Of course, I can only speak from my own personal experiences as that is all I have to offer - but I would like to hear about your experiences and thoughts on the matter.
The intent of this post is to not find a black-and-white answer, but it has been a question that I have found myself asking recently.
Why is it that some collapse during hardship and others persist?
What makes them so different from me?
Why am I so easily discouraged, and constantly believe that the odds are stacked against me? Instead of seeing it as a challenge that can provide me an opportunity to become stronger, and to conquer?
Loneliness...is tiring.
The feelings of abandonment, isolation, lack of purpose, rejection, inadequacy, bitterness and hate.
The fear of the unknown and the fear of confronting our demons.
I am tired of loneliness; and loneliness is tired of me.
I tire of the feeling that I am chained to an emotional roller-coaster, with no end in sight.
I tire of carrying a heavy heart, shoulders slouched, and seeing the world through tear-filled eyes.
Loneliness...is lonely.
It is not that I am unable to handle being alone or be independent; it is that I feel a disconnect from the world.
A lack of belonging - maybe.
Like the world is a jigsaw puzzle, and I am a piece with no place to fit.
Perhaps I'm slightly bent around on the corners,
My colours too bright or too dark,
Perhaps there aren't even any missing spots for me to fill,
But here I am.
Awkward and unsure of where I stand.
Or...is it that I lack perspective? Have unrealistic expectations? And lead myself towards loneliness through self-sabotage; and yet, when I yearn so deeply to escape from its clutches?
1. Perspective and Unrealistic Expectations
There is a large world out there filled with endless opportunities.
I've been too engaged in my own troubles to see the troubles of others.
It's not a matter of measuring of "Who has it worse...", but a matter of gaining perspective.
We live only once.
All in all, do I have anything worth feeling the way that I do?
For myself, my problems are insignificant.
And yet, I am blinded.
Instead of letting my failures consume me, I should accept them and seek improvement. It will have been worth the battle, and the countless nights that I've spent crying myself to sleep will have seemed so insignificant and childish.
"Once you've hit rock bottom, there's nowhere to go but up."
Why do so many of us compare ourselves with the successes of others?
Our successes are ours. If we don't celebrate them, who will?
I have never felt content; I have a small voice in me that's constantly asking for validation. But yet, there is a louder voice which tells me that I'm never enough, no matter how much validation I receive.
I expect myself to be able to run before I can walk.
To sing before I can talk.
There is a reason why I am never content - nothing is ever enough.
As big or small as my successes may be; the truth is, I'm too hard on myself.
Are you...?
2. Self-Sabotage
I don't want to live a lonely life.
I don't want to leave this world with regrets when one day I reflect upon my past.
I have told myself, repeatedly...over and over:
"You're not good enough."
When someone offers a differing opinion, I disagree and only believe those who reinforce my feelings of inadequacy. Some way or another - that differing opinion - I trick myself into believing that it holds malicious intent or is insincere.
Why?
I keep on running and running away from opportunities to pull me out of the water due to fear of embarrassment or rejection. When someone or something...reaches out for you - take it. Take it, no matter how frightening or daunting as it may seem. There may be a day where there are no hands held out to you when you're finally ready...but by then, it may be too late.
I keep thinking:
"I have no chance...they won't like me...no one does."
And therefore, don't try.
But how can I ever succeed, if I don't open myself up to an opportunity?
How can I ever build any confidence if I continually put myself down, and intentionally, or unintentionally, seek out those who reinforce those negative feelings?
Why do I even bother to dwell on them long enough to suffer a headache and heartache?
I'm scared of the world beyond the comfort of my bedroom.
I'm scared of people seeing me for what I am and fear rejection.
But I don't want to miss out on life.
I want life to work so badly that it hurts.
We only live once and I want to be a part of it.
We have to take care of ourselves...as no one else may.
Before we get started, I just want to clarify that I do not want this to be topic to be solely about me. Of course, I can only speak from my own personal experiences as that is all I have to offer - but I would like to hear about your experiences and thoughts on the matter.
The intent of this post is to not find a black-and-white answer, but it has been a question that I have found myself asking recently.
Why is it that some collapse during hardship and others persist?
What makes them so different from me?
Why am I so easily discouraged, and constantly believe that the odds are stacked against me? Instead of seeing it as a challenge that can provide me an opportunity to become stronger, and to conquer?
Loneliness...is tiring.
The feelings of abandonment, isolation, lack of purpose, rejection, inadequacy, bitterness and hate.
The fear of the unknown and the fear of confronting our demons.
I am tired of loneliness; and loneliness is tired of me.
I tire of the feeling that I am chained to an emotional roller-coaster, with no end in sight.
I tire of carrying a heavy heart, shoulders slouched, and seeing the world through tear-filled eyes.
Loneliness...is lonely.
It is not that I am unable to handle being alone or be independent; it is that I feel a disconnect from the world.
A lack of belonging - maybe.
Like the world is a jigsaw puzzle, and I am a piece with no place to fit.
Perhaps I'm slightly bent around on the corners,
My colours too bright or too dark,
Perhaps there aren't even any missing spots for me to fill,
But here I am.
Awkward and unsure of where I stand.
Or...is it that I lack perspective? Have unrealistic expectations? And lead myself towards loneliness through self-sabotage; and yet, when I yearn so deeply to escape from its clutches?
1. Perspective and Unrealistic Expectations
There is a large world out there filled with endless opportunities.
I've been too engaged in my own troubles to see the troubles of others.
It's not a matter of measuring of "Who has it worse...", but a matter of gaining perspective.
We live only once.
All in all, do I have anything worth feeling the way that I do?
For myself, my problems are insignificant.
And yet, I am blinded.
Instead of letting my failures consume me, I should accept them and seek improvement. It will have been worth the battle, and the countless nights that I've spent crying myself to sleep will have seemed so insignificant and childish.
"Once you've hit rock bottom, there's nowhere to go but up."
Why do so many of us compare ourselves with the successes of others?
Our successes are ours. If we don't celebrate them, who will?
I have never felt content; I have a small voice in me that's constantly asking for validation. But yet, there is a louder voice which tells me that I'm never enough, no matter how much validation I receive.
I expect myself to be able to run before I can walk.
To sing before I can talk.
There is a reason why I am never content - nothing is ever enough.
As big or small as my successes may be; the truth is, I'm too hard on myself.
Are you...?
2. Self-Sabotage
I don't want to live a lonely life.
I don't want to leave this world with regrets when one day I reflect upon my past.
I have told myself, repeatedly...over and over:
"You're not good enough."
When someone offers a differing opinion, I disagree and only believe those who reinforce my feelings of inadequacy. Some way or another - that differing opinion - I trick myself into believing that it holds malicious intent or is insincere.
Why?
I keep on running and running away from opportunities to pull me out of the water due to fear of embarrassment or rejection. When someone or something...reaches out for you - take it. Take it, no matter how frightening or daunting as it may seem. There may be a day where there are no hands held out to you when you're finally ready...but by then, it may be too late.
I keep thinking:
"I have no chance...they won't like me...no one does."
And therefore, don't try.
But how can I ever succeed, if I don't open myself up to an opportunity?
How can I ever build any confidence if I continually put myself down, and intentionally, or unintentionally, seek out those who reinforce those negative feelings?
Why do I even bother to dwell on them long enough to suffer a headache and heartache?
I'm scared of the world beyond the comfort of my bedroom.
I'm scared of people seeing me for what I am and fear rejection.
But I don't want to miss out on life.
I want life to work so badly that it hurts.
We only live once and I want to be a part of it.
We have to take care of ourselves...as no one else may.
