Lack of confidence with women is driving me mental!

First off, just discovered this forum by chance and finding it incredibly helpful - if for no other reason than knowing there are other guys out there who have the same hang-ups I do.

Anyways, long story short I have literally no confidence when I like a girl. (I'm fine round the ones I don't). If I'm in a club and they ask to dance I usually just say I can't or don't dance (I actually can't dance worth a toss but neither can 90% of people in clubs).

If I'm texting or chatting to a girl I like I'll avoid ever saying anything flirty or sexual in case they realise my intentions, even though I know this just leads me straight into the friend zone.

This does extend to sexual anxiety as well, the thought in my head that the next time I take a girl home it'll just end in disappointment for her (even though that's never happened to me before).

The annoying thing is, I don't really have massive self-esteem issues. I don't mean to sound like a dick, but I know I'm a decent looking guy. I've been told often enough before. I also play guitar in a band and frequently play/sing in front of hundreds of strangers without even batting an eyelid.

I'm a very confident musician and as a result often get attention from girls immediately after coming off stage, this usually results in my being awkwardly friendly for a minute or two, then making my excuses and shooting off to talk with my friends where I feel more comfortable.

I honestly don't know what's up with me, it's like I know there's absolutely no reason for me to be so shy, but I just am and I can't change it!

Any advice would be appreciated!

Cheers!

I had to make sure I didn't write this, lol. I'm the same way. I have a lot of female friends but any girl I was interested in I'd do the same thing you do.

Sometimes it's just taking that leap and plunging in head first. Women are approaching you, they are already interested you just have to seal the deal. Show them you are interested back.

Cheers for the reply mate. I kinda' know it's about just taking the plunge sometimes, but I really struggle to find the courage to do so! Argh! I think maybe I worry that there's something off-putting about me on the inside. I guess so many people are worried about what people think of their look and I couldn't give a flying toss about that! But I DO worry about what people think of me as a person, male or female! Especially girls I like though, it's a pain in the arse!

shoegazer said:

First off, just discovered this forum by chance and finding it incredibly helpful - if for no other reason than knowing there are other guys out there who have the same hang-ups I do.

Anyways, long story short I have literally no confidence when I like a girl. (I'm fine round the ones I don't). If I'm in a club and they ask to dance I usually just say I can't or don't dance (I actually can't dance worth a toss but neither can 90% of people in clubs).

If I'm texting or chatting to a girl I like I'll avoid ever saying anything flirty or sexual in case they realise my intentions, even though I know this just leads me straight into the friend zone.

This does extend to sexual anxiety as well, the thought in my head that the next time I take a girl home it'll just end in disappointment for her (even though that's never happened to me before).

The annoying thing is, I don't really have massive self-esteem issues. I don't mean to sound like a dick, but I know I'm a decent looking guy. I've been told often enough before. I also play guitar in a band and frequently play/sing in front of hundreds of strangers without even batting an eyelid.

I'm a very confident musician and as a result often get attention from girls immediately after coming off stage, this usually results in my being awkwardly friendly for a minute or two, then making my excuses and shooting off to talk with my friends where I feel more comfortable.

I honestly don't know what's up with me, it's like I know there's absolutely no reason for me to be so shy, but I just am and I can't change it!

Any advice would be appreciated!

Cheers!

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I think that its cute that you are shy. I personally have a weakness for shy guys but I think its because I'm pretty shy myself but when I know a guy is more shy than I am I can be much more social. You sound like you are very talented & well rounded so you already have a lot of great qualities to offer a girl you are interested in. You don't have to make a sexual comment to show a girl you are interested - just one random comment can really open a girl up to how you feel about her, especially if its unlike you to make flirty comments.

The way that I look at it, is if you are texting with a girl and you throw a flirty comment out there and she doesn't reciprocate, than at least you tried and its not as awkward as face-to-face. If she kind of goes along with what you said than try to keep going- I bet you are clever so you have the wittiness to keep a flirty conversation going.

Routine.....
Get out of your comfortzone, i guess.
When your on stage youre no making
A one on one connection.

Are you a virgin?

Dealing with wonen is kinda like learning
To play music or playing the guitar.
You sound like honeysuckle and itll feel awarkward
For a while. Youll feel vunerable.

It might serve you well to research on female
Sexuality and know how to get a women off...

Do you feel or thi.k sex is dirty?
Im a guitar player too, but the way I was rasied
or religious beliefs.. I was drilled and grilled
With alot of sexual guilt.
My idea of love, romance, or relationship
Was a perfect fairy tail.

---

As a musician...you grasp the concept of practice.

You also grasp listening to yourself on playback to imprive
Your playing or your singing...WITHOUT THE GUILT AND SHAME.
You make corrections or minor adjustments as you go.
You also know its seldom perfect..
Building a relationship with a woman is like that.
Dating wonen is like that.

I have trouble with this, too.

I can tell myself that I'm an attractive, smart, funny guy who has a lot to offer. Then, when I go up to approach her, I start with the negatives:

She would never want to go out with a guy like me
I am ugly
I am too shy/quiet for her
I am not muscular enough
She wants someone who looks like Brad Pitt

Etc etc.

This is something that I have a hard time getting over. I probably am more attractive than I was in high school, when I was bullied for my looks...but I still get incredibly insecure about them.

There's sometype of mental block or beliefs about
Women.....
Change your thinking change your life.
You might want to sit down and re evaluate
your beliefs about women.
At this piont its not working for you.

LeaningIntoTheMuse said:

I can tell myself that I'm an attractive, smart, funny guy who has a lot to offer. Then, when I go up to approach her, I start with the negatives:

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I tell myself the same thing. Unfortunately women tell me the same thing too but then they follow it up with an excuse.

shoegazer said:

I think maybe I worry that there's something off-putting about me on the inside. I guess so many people are worried about what people think of their look and I couldn't give a flying toss about that! But I DO worry about what people think of me as a person, male or female! Especially girls I like though, it's a pain in the arse!

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Seems like you kinda know what's keeping you from going past those friendly 2-3 minutes, and you also seem like you know who you are and at least what some of your strengths/weaknesses might be, which is a hell of a lot to start with. What is it you think is so off-putting about you? Or are you just scared girls (and guys!) won't like you once they really get to know you?

blackdot said:

LeaningIntoTheMuse said:

I can tell myself that I'm an attractive, smart, funny guy who has a lot to offer. Then, when I go up to approach her, I start with the negatives:

Click to expand...

I tell myself the same thing. Unfortunately women tell me the same thing too but then they follow it up with an excuse.

Click to expand...

I honestly don't know how to get over that hump.

But at least you're getting excuses! What I mean is that, I am so shy that I don't even try!

2 rejections in 10 years...and those are the only girls I asked out. I did reject one girl, that I wasn't attracted to, and I did end up flubbing possible relationships with girls that were attracted to me, but ended up friendzoning me (I think 5 girls.)

That's a pretty bad track record.

well, to be honest all the women I have asked out are from dating sites. No one in person.
But then there is only 1 group of people I know in real life (other than people at work which doesn't count since none are dateable there). I'm still afraid to ask anyone out from that group because if it fails I will have to banish myself from being part of that group.

I have really bad luck on dating sites.

a lot of us have bad luck on those sites... but then where else are you going to find single females?

Maybe at college?

I am still in college, and went on a few dates from there.

oh.. I graduated from college in 1995.

Thanks for the replies guys, some positive stuff coming back that definitely makes for good reading I wasn't always like this, just I've now been single for about 4 years with one or two slightly awkward and clumsy flings inbetween. I think I've just left it so long the whole process seems really daunting to me again, I feel like a complete beginner like when I was 16!

I've always been single, and always been a complete beginner.

I know what you mean mate!

Hi shoegazer. I hope that I can help you out a little bit. I used to be paralyzingly shy around women. Today I'm much more confident, but it has taken years of learning. As someone who has overcome severe shyness believe me it can be done.

shoegazer said:

Anyways, long story short I have literally no confidence when I like a girl. (I'm fine round the ones I don't). If I'm in a club and they ask to dance I usually just say I can't or don't dance (I actually can't dance worth a toss but neither can 90% of people in clubs).

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Well there's a couple of things you can do about this. You could try learning some dance moves. If a club is the place that you want to meet women and they're asking you to dance, you're missing out on a great opportunity. So I would suggest that if your goal is to meet women in a club, it'd be in your best interest to remove the anxiety preventing you from taking place in the activities in that club. If your sole anxiety is about looking goofy dancing, then your answer is simple. Learn how to dance. Do a little research on the internet. Look up some dance videos and practice in the comfort of your living space.

Don't think of it as, well I can't dance; women that want to dance wouldn't be interested in me so I'll just hope to find someone that isn't into dancing. You're in a club. People in clubs dance. People go to clubs specifically to dance. Of course you could meet someone in a club without dancing, but this is obviously causing you some anxiety. To deal with this anxiety, you should either find a different place to meet women (which isn't really dealing with the anxiety, just avoiding it) or you can deal with it head on by working on your moves. What isn't going to work is to continue sitting there doing what you've been doing. You have to change something. It's better to change something than to hope you find that girl in the club who's in the same situation as you. (not that it couldn't happen)

shoegazer said:

If I'm texting or chatting to a girl I like I'll avoid ever saying anything flirty or sexual in case they realise my intentions, even though I know this just leads me straight into the friend zone.

This does extend to sexual anxiety as well, the thought in my head that the next time I take a girl home it'll just end in disappointment for her (even though that's never happened to me before).

Click to expand...

There is absolutely no reason to avoid saying flirty or sexual things because of some kind of fear. Women enjoy sex just as much as men do and they're not talking to you hoping you won't let them know you think they're sexually attractive. In fact they're most likely very curious to know if you're into them in that way. If you present yourself as being completely uninterested in sex they'll take it that you aren't into them like that and only want to be their friend. Now I'm not telling you to be like, "hey i really think we should go have sex". You can let them know you're interested by telling them you think they're cute.

Check them out. Purposefully look up and down their body so that they can see you do it. Don't stare at their breasts, that's not what I'm saying, but you are definitely allowed to show them that you're checking them out. It lets them know you're interested and there's nothing to be ashamed of for that. Be tactful, but don't present yourself as an asexual man looking to make some non sexual buddies because that's the impression you're going to give them by completely avoiding being sexual.

You know there's often talk about the nice guy vs the *******. It's commonly thought by men that you can't be a nice guy and get the girl. Well that just isn't true. Women don't want an *******, women really do want a nice guy, but they don't want an asexual nice guy either. This is why the *******'s get women, because they show their sexual interest. You can be the nicest guy in the world and still show that you're sexually interested. Showing sexual interest doesn't have to be considered as being impolite.

You said you're afraid of a woman knowing your intentions. Don't be. In fact you need to purposefully reveal your intentions in a tactful, nice way, and be confident about it. If a woman is talking to you, especially approaching you to dance, you have all the license you need to let them know you're into them in a sexual way. They're hoping that you're into them that way and hoping that you will show it. So do it!!

shoegazer said:

The annoying thing is, I don't really have massive self-esteem issues. I don't mean to sound like a dick, but I know I'm a decent looking guy. I've been told often enough before. I also play guitar in a band and frequently play/sing in front of hundreds of strangers without even batting an eyelid.

I'm a very confident musician and as a result often get attention from girls immediately after coming off stage, this usually results in my being awkwardly friendly for a minute or two, then making my excuses and shooting off to talk with my friends where I feel more comfortable.

I honestly don't know what's up with me, it's like I know there's absolutely no reason for me to be so shy, but I just am and I can't change it!

Any advice would be appreciated!

Cheers!

Click to expand...

It seems to me like your biggest problem is your sexual anxiety. You're anxious because you are sexually interested in these women, but refuse to allow yourself to express it. To get over your anxiety you need to start expressing it without being afraid about it.

So you say you have women coming up to you and asking you to dance? They're already obviously interested so just say yes and have fun. I wish I had that "problem".