Burden

Its recently become very, very clear to me that I'm nothing but a burden (always seemed to fear I was before, but now I know for sure).

Essentially, all most of my biological family (especially my mother) ever talks about is how lazy I am (even know I'm not), how much money is spent on me, how I'm doing nothing with my life (ect) and when I do actually achieve something, its swept under the rug while when I screw up even a small, mild thing it seems to be talked about more than when England won the world cup.

My mother will say things like "I don't mean to be harsh by saying this"

and then she proceeds to be as harsh as possible. Then again, I suppose people say "I'm not racist but..." before saying something really racist.

I can't remember the last time anyone told me they were proud of me, and I can't remember the last time anyone in my biological family (at least the ones I live under the same roof as) told me they loved me. My mother will constantly compare me to my biological "father".

But not as much as my younger sister, who has on multiple occasions confirmed my suspicions. I just didn't realize she was right about me being an absolute burden until now.

This may sound a bit pathetic, but then again I am nothing but a burden so I'm probably just wasting your time.

If I haven't wasted your time (seems unlikely). Where do I go from here?

Your family are wrong.

PieBeNice said:

Your family are wrong.

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Are they?

In 18 years, I haven't done much with my life. I failed my A-levels and all I do is cost time and money.

I would not be labeling yourself a burden. Even if you feel that way.

I grew up in a family like this, anything I liked or was passionate about was stupid or a waste of time, if they showed me how to do something and I didn't get it perfect first time I was a failure and never allowed to do it again, I would receive comments like "What do we feed you for" and I had an emotionally abusive uncle who would stare at me and then say "No hope".

I would also get compared to my father as a means of insult even though he was just a normal bloke and neither a drunk, druggie or criminal of any kind.

I would get put down for not speaking, I didn't speak because I would get put down for talking about almost anything.

So enough with the comparisons, as I got older my mother and uncle wanted to have a relationship with me, they wanted to know me and I could see that they felt stuck and lost, due to their treatment of me I felt and still feel no closeness towards them at all, in the end as hopeless as they liked to call me, they wanted my company.

Don't let them get you down and remember it is them who are most likely very unhappy with their own lives.

I've found this to be so true:

“The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other's life. Rarely do members of one family grow up under the same roof." - Richard Bach / from: Jonathan Livingston Seagull

My War said:

Don't let them get you down and remember it is them who are most likely very unhappy with their own lives.

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They're probably only unhappy with their own lives because I'm a part of it.

You are not a burden. This always happens within families, because in some families, in some cultures or in some cases, you tend feel like you're each other's responsibilities and when someone isn't doing great, you feel compelled to push them and it usually comes out wrong or negatively. Sometimes I have a hard time determining if it means they care or if it just means I annoy them. So I think I can relate?

But where do you go from here? Well, you can't change them or what they do. What you can do, is to find ways to get around it, deafen your ears to all their negative and harsh comments or avoid them for most of the time. Unless you know you can filter the things they say to you and not let those things bother you, I think just limiting contact would do you some good.

Of course, alternatively, you can always try to get their attention, sit them down and talk to them. Firstly about how you appreciate their comments and believe that they mean well, BUT the way they deliver them feels so harsh sometimes that it hurts you. If your family is the kind you can do this with, then I would say this is the best option.

Either way, I wish you good luck.

ladyforsaken said:

Of course, alternatively, you can always try to get their attention, sit them down and talk to them. Firstly about how you appreciate their comments and believe that they mean well, BUT the way they deliver them feels so harsh sometimes that it hurts you. If your family is the kind you can do this with, then I would say this is the best option.

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I've tried this option a few times. When I did I was accused of "playing the victim".

Some_Bloke72 said:

ladyforsaken said:

Of course, alternatively, you can always try to get their attention, sit them down and talk to them. Firstly about how you appreciate their comments and believe that they mean well, BUT the way they deliver them feels so harsh sometimes that it hurts you. If your family is the kind you can do this with, then I would say this is the best option.

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I've tried this option a few times. When I did I was accused of "playing the victim".

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Lol I see. Then avoid them, it is, then. Unfortunately.

ladyforsaken said:

Some_Bloke72 said:

ladyforsaken said:

Of course, alternatively, you can always try to get their attention, sit them down and talk to them. Firstly about how you appreciate their comments and believe that they mean well, BUT the way they deliver them feels so harsh sometimes that it hurts you. If your family is the kind you can do this with, then I would say this is the best option.

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I've tried this option a few times. When I did I was accused of "playing the victim".

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Lol I see. Then avoid them, it is, then. Unfortunately.

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Its difficult to avoid them when you live under the same roof.

Some_Bloke72 said:

Its difficult to avoid them when you live under the same roof.

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Do you not have your own room? Or a place in the house where you can just keep to yourself?