This honeysuckle is all messed up!

My tale of woe(thanks in advance for reading this-will totally understand if you checkout partway through or read & not respond-no worries).

Just over a year ago I was in a loveless relationship, well past it's sell by date-was with a guy addicted to smoking weed & had spent the 16 years we were together waiting for him to love me, but he only had enough love for the green stuff. It took me a long time to admit to it but I eventually came to understand I would always be playing 2nd fiddle to his habbit.

I was in process of splitting with him when I met someone else-I really wasn't looking or expecting & it was lightning bolt stuff, never known anything like it, the most amazing, caring, connected, understanding pairing you could ever begin to imagine.

Only thing is, it was so goddamn fantastic it scared the holy bejeezus outta the guy(he's younger & has only had one proper relationship previous, which didn't end well & left him with certain issues), we swam in the warm waters of closeness & we experienced more in the short time(6 months) we were together than I've known in my entire life. Ironically it was the fact that there was so much feeling between us that messed with the fella's head & because I love him more than life itself I have agreed to pull away completely(although it kills me) & give him all the space & time he needs to do whatever he needs to do(which may ultimately mean us never being together again!).

It's so very difficult to express here just how honest & up front things were(still are when on occassion we're in contact) between the two of us the whole way through but I know it to be true that neither one would wish to cause any harm nor upset in any way to the other, yet unfortunately the love, connection & feeling we had together caused him upset & turmoil, & now the ache I have for him continues daily & I know no way to change this.

I'm stuck in a limbo-I want so much to be with him again but I don't know that it will ever happen.

This guy blew me away, he was able to read me & respond to me on a level I never dreamed possible(in all ways). I'm torn between feeling the deepest gratitude that I have experienced this in my life at all, feeling like I have lost & miss(& can never recover nor replace without him) the greatest experience that life can offer, & wishing I had never experienced it at all so would not have known this feeling of extreme want for him & what he can give me.

When we were last together we did make a promise to one another, that whatever happens, we will never allow ourselves to be in any relationship where we settle or put up with any less care, honesty & respect than we had for one another. That REALLY narrows the field down, but, then again, the fact that I don't feel that I could ever want to be with anyone else other than him ever again pretty much kills it all anyway!

& so this is where I am.....(if you made it all the way here-well done & thanks).

I've walked a similar path. Letting go is not easy.

I'm sorry you had to go through a loveless relationship like that, sometimes you wonder if it's a waste of some years in your life but I honestly think there are a lot of things you've learnt from being in that relationship that will allow you to know better when you go into your next.

You know, I went through something similar, but different in terms of why things didn't happen. I would tell you more in PM if you'd like to know. But I just wanted to say that having found someone so compatible with you like this is really not something that often comes along and because of that, it's so hard and painful to let it go because, it's right there. I feel your pain, but I hope you remain strong and believe that if things were really meant to be with this guy, you will cross paths again and it might happen. If not, I usually think things happen for a reason, maybe now isn't the right time for you two or something bad might have happened if you two hooked up. (This is just the way I think - I don't speak for anyone else.)

Alma lost her spoon said:

When we were last together we did make a promise to one another, that whatever happens, we will never allow ourselves to be in any relationship where we settle or put up with any less care, honesty & respect than we had for one another. That REALLY narrows the field down..

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I think this is a good reminder to have for yourself when you meet someone in the future, or even with him if it happens. Also, I do hope you will find someone who can give you the care, honesty and respect you'd deserve in a relationship and hope you will find some happiness soon.

Take care. *hugs*

WildChild & Ladyforsaken, thankyou for your kind replies.

Letting go is very hard-for the reasons you mentioned Ladyforsaken, but also, even though he has told me not to wait on him, he has also said that if in the future he reaches a point where he feels he could deal with being with me then he would let me know.

I would wait an eternity in hell just to share another night, day or even a mere moment with him-I hate how pathetic this makes me.

I don't actually want to move on in many ways, move on to what/where? I have no idea where to start......"Oh Brett. Brett wherever shall I go?, whatever shall I do?"[/Scarlet](lol)

It would be much easier if I could dislike him in some way, kick against him for how I feel but I can't, I love him & want him to be ok-even if that means we can't be together. I send him love & energy every day & I'm trying to work on learning to love without attachment but I have a long way to go.

It's approaching the anniversary of the first time we got together, I'm struggling with this. I know that every day is just abother day really & all days are the same in us being apart, nonetheless I am having a tough time & finding it difficult to set my mind straight during the day & I'm having terrible deams at night.

All I can say after reading your posts, Alma, is that he most certainly missed the boat.

I believe it is his loss entirely, despite how you may feel at the moment.

He will be hard-pressed in life to find another who can equal your love, depth and passion; and without passion, what is anything?

Thanks Ruthie, I appreciate what you're saying there but unfortunately it's both of us that are missing out here.

I am grateful that we were able to spend a few days together after we decided to end things, during that time we were able to talk about how much we had learned from one another & how much we'd had together. We both understand that every relationship between any 2 people is as different & as individual as the people within them, no two relationships will ever be the same. We both recognise that what we had together was incredibly special, something we can never have again with anyone else. He was on his own for a few years before I came along & he allowed himself to let me in, I know that he needs to be on his own again to work through certain things-he really tried to work through his issues whilst we were together but it just caused him confusion & upset.

The situation is, he hasn't yet missed the boat, I am & it is likely that I may forever be no more than a phonecall away. I can't begin to consider being with anyone else whilst I can only ache for him. He told me not to wait for him, he wants me to move on & find happiness but I'm in no position to do that, not at this time & I can't forsee it happening anytime soon.

Being on my own for a time wont do me any harm, ironically I was looking forward to some time as a singleton when I was splitting from the previous(16 year) relationship, I just hadn't expected it to work out this way.

Alma lost her spoon said:

It's approaching the anniversary of the first time we got together, I'm struggling with this. I know that every day is just abother day really & all days are the same in us being apart, nonetheless I am having a tough time & finding it difficult to set my mind straight during the day & I'm having terrible deams at night.

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I know that nothing I say here would make this feeling go away. But know that I have felt something like this before, and it's not easy just to move past it. It just tends to linger for awhile and you just usually either ignore it or drown in it. Vent here if it makes you feel better, I hope that you will feel much better sooner rather than later. *hugs*

Thanks Ladyforsaken, I'm glad of finding this place as I feel I can let some of it out here without continually burdoning my friends with it. I'm aware it's an open board & there's certain things I wont post about because of that.

Someday I'll be able to take comfort in the memories of what I experienced with this wonderful man but for now I'm still too upset & hurt over missing having him in my life. I'm still hoping that he will reach a point whereby he can come back to me.

It's very hard to let go of someone so special, someone whom I had the strongest connection with-very often we were so tuned in to one another that we could sense & feel what the other was feeling. I've never known anything like it & I doubt I ever will again.

I just seem to go round in circles on all this....it's very hard to accept that we can't be together, not because our relationship had problems but quite the opposite, the more he realised the depth of connectivity the more it freaked him out & the harder it became for him to be with me.

^ I know. *hugs*

I'm sorry to hear you've been through something similar LadyForsaken, I hope you're further along the path than I am <3

Alma, I suppose that having loved and lost, than to never have loved this person at all can be applied to this situation. Still, you never know what future lights hold, and it may shine on this in a way you never knew before.

Alma lost her spoon said:

I'm sorry to hear you've been through something similar LadyForsaken, I hope you're further along the path than I am <3

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I'm sorry you're going through it too. You do get past it, it takes time though. And new people might come into your life, may not be the same deep connection, but enough to help you move on forward. I hope you can eventually move past this, and come out a stronger and better person. <3

I found that the only way to get over someone is to bring someone new into your life. Sadly it's a bandaid solution, but it helps in the meanwhile. I felt the strongest connection with the man I'm with now, but in hindsight I saw how he withdrew from me constantly out of fear. We are together, but I had to bite my tongue and pretend to be less than I am to "keep" him, - now that's pathetic. I also feel desperate. Well, I did feel desperate, I'm feeling it's loveless at this point and he's only sticking around because he recently lost his job and I'm paying all the bills. Your ex's first love was weed, mine current bf's first love seems to be himself. You know, there are so many men out there...what keeps me going right now is knowing that once this falls apart (and I have no doubt it will eventually), there will a a man for me that I can have an even deeper more fulfilling connection with. There has to be for you too.

Hang in there Alma. It definitely is hard letting someone go when you care that much about them. But there is only so much you can do to help.

Thanks for the replies & kind thoughts folks.

Pike, I understand what you're saying but I can't begin to consider having anyone else in my life whilst I feel this way. I have no interest in anyone else, I don't believe there is anyone that can connect with me in any way that could come close to the guy I spent 6 amazing months with, even if there was an infinate amount of men out there. It's so hard to explain, the moment I met him I could sense his energy, I have such a strong feeling that I loved him from since before I'd even met him, I just didn't know of him, now that door has been opened there is no going back. I just can't be with someone whom I don't have that level of developed sensitivity & deep connectivity with. It just wouldn't work & wouldn't be fair.

He posted a video on facebook earlier(we're still friends, we're not in constant contact but we don't wish to 'erase' the time we had together or deny that we know one another etc) just to see him, how he holds himself, his movement.....it drives me crazy.

Alma lost her spoon said:

Thanks for the replies & kind thoughts folks.

Pike, I understand what you're saying but I can't begin to consider having anyone else in my life whilst I feel this way. I have no interest in anyone else, I don't believe there is anyone that can connect with me in any way that could come close to the guy I spent 6 amazing months with, even if there was an infinate amount of men out there. It's so hard to explain

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Trust me, it's not hard to understand. I know how hard this is because I did it, I didn't have such a connection to the one I was trying to forget though. I personally could never remain in touch because it would be too torturous for me emotionally.

Update:

I realised I'd reached the point where I could let him go, I emailed him a couple of weeks ago, thanked him for how much respect he'd always afforded me & explained that I was ready to stop grasping for him.

He emailed me back a lovely response, he said some very beautiful things about what we had together , & about how he feels about me.

We've said what is most likely our final farewell, it's just how it has to be....I can still pick up a sense of him, I know he reads me still in the same way, I suspect that door between us will forever remain ajar to some degree.

*hugs* Alma

I'm sorry I didn't see this sooner. I believe I know the kind of connection you're talking about, I had it with someone a long time ago. I was very deeply in love with him, and it took me years to even start to let him go. Part of that was because things ended suddenly and without closure, so I'm glad you got a chance to talk things through and say goodbye, and glad to hear you're getting to a place where you can move forward. I know what you mean about it narrowing the field though. Once you've shared a connection like that, anything less feels like settling.