Women at work still loathe me

ardour · Aug 5, 2015

So I thought I might whine about this again. There’s been a couple a new people in the office since the beginning of the year. One is the replacement for the weird nasty person I ranted on about previously. She’s outwardly friendly, actually sat next to me at morning tea once. Well she must not have liked me from that short conversation; even though she makes a point of smiling and saying hello, we’ve not spoken since. Then there’s this casual part timer. The only times we’ve spoken is when she’s asked for help. Outside of this, it seems like she’s been watching my movements and does her best to avoid ‘crossing paths’ with me. They all take breaks at their desks.

And then there other young(ish) women working in the building. In contrast to men here, almost all of whom I know quite well now, most of them don't say hello or ever try to initiate conversation. If they see me in the break room they either do a double-take and walk out or sit as far away as possible, literally hunched against the magazine cupboard on the opposite end of the room. Since I’ve never attempted any non-work-related conversation with these people, all they can know about me is my appearance.

It seems my existence causes discomfort to half the population, and frankly I’m tired of being made to feel like scum.

I hate this feeling of being monitored, scrutinized simply because I’m male, have unattractive facial features and am awkward. I’ve tried everything from being friendly and relaxed to complete indifference. None of it makes any difference.

Solivagant · Aug 5, 2015

If you want my honest opinion, I (still) think you're reading way too much into their behavior.

Even if I'm wrong though, why pay them any mind? Why not enjoy the fact that there are some people at work who like to converse with you? No men at my work ever wanted to talk to me, or women for that matter.

SofiasMami · Aug 5, 2015

Well I'm sorry to hear that, ardour. Are you a victim of your own distorted thinking or is it nobody really likes you? Only you can figure out that answer. Either option is bad, I suppose. There are a number of people at my job who barely acknowledge my existence or can't be bothered to even look up from their smartphones when I walk by. I wonder now what they think of me. On the other hand, who cares? I don't go to work to make friends anyway, the true friends I have are outside of work.

-Teresa

HoodedMonk · Aug 5, 2015

I'm sorry you feel excluded. It's not easy to have a facial deformity. Well, yours is a skull deformity, but it's still on the head so I feel it counts somewhat.

It definitely negatively affects social interaction. You might want to try broaching the subject of your head deformity and explain what it is. Bet people are curious about it.

I dunno, that's what I do sometimes for mine.

*throws hands up in the air*

kamya · Aug 5, 2015

Solivagant said:
If you want my honest opinion, I (still) think you're reading way too much into their behavior.

Even if I'm wrong though, why pay them any mind? Why not enjoy the fact that there are some people at work who like to converse with you? No men at my work ever wanted to talk to me, or women for that matter.

SofiasMami said:
Well I'm sorry to hear that, ardour. Are you a victim of your own distorted thinking or is it nobody really likes you? Only you can figure out that answer. Either option is bad, I suppose. There are a number of people at my job who barely acknowledge my existence or can't be bothered to even look up from their smartphones when I walk by. I wonder now what they think of me. On the other hand, who cares? I don't go to work to make friends anyway, the true friends I have are outside of work.

-Teresa

I agree with this. Everything you described in your post Ardour, is almost exactly how I acted when I worked in an office job. I didn't hate anyone there I just had a crappy job and wanted to relax alone for a few minutes on my breaks/lunch.

Plus I'm naturally quiet so I rarely talked to anyone and after almost a year I still didn't really know anyone there. I could tell it bothered a few of my coworkers. Maybe it is seen as rude by most people. They probably thought I didn't like them for some reason. I didn't really care enough to explain that it wasn't personal, just the way I am. I'm probably not the only one like this.

LonelyInAtl · Aug 5, 2015

LOL...at least it's just women at you work.

Serephina · Aug 6, 2015

I clicked on this thinking it was going to be a sexist post on why women shouldn't be allowed in the workplace.I was all ready for a huge debate

On a serious note,I am like this,I do tend to over analyse and read way too much in to a situation. Firstly,outwardly friendly woman is still smiling and saying hello,this is a good thing.If she didn't like you at all,surely she would just ignore you completely and not bother to say hello at all. Maybe she felt that you didn't like her.

Casual part timer who only speaks when she asks for help,i'm a bit like this in the work place,I don't want to bother people and also I have social anxiety and unless someone tries to start a conversation with me,I don't tend to get involved all that much,but I have a job to do so if I don't understand something I will ask for help. She might have some anxiety issues.

I know I need to take my own advice on this one,but you say that they are not making the effort and they are not saying hello,have you tried making the effort and saying hello to them?

edamame721 · Aug 6, 2015

Some people at work would rather stay casual friends or acquaintances. I think it's a good sign that the woman who sat next to you still greets you with a smile. The part-timer might not be overly social because this might be temporary work for her. As for the other women, have you initiated conversation yourself?

If you are feeling nervous and judged, that can also put out "stay away from me" vibes. It could just be that you are more sensitive to women since you have no problem being friends with your male colleagues. I mean, you know you have social skills and you can be pleasant to be around! My advice is to relax.

Don't feel bad if things don't continue to work out. I once worked in a very small office with two bosses and only two other full-time staff. One of the girls took a year to get friendly with me and start inviting me out for after work stuff. The other one, we barely talked. Sometimes people just don't click.

h3donist · Aug 6, 2015

Are you looking to date these women? If not then why do you focus on them, rather than your male colleagues too? You might get on better with them which will make you more amenable to the female co-workers if they see you having a laugh and a joke with the men rather than sitting alone then they might warm to you more.

The problem with work places is that you are surrounded by people who you may not necessary get on with but you are all forced to spend all day sitting in a room together. If it was any other situation you, or they, could leave any time you/they wanted, but it's work - you have a job to do, and so do they. You have rules to obey, a dress code to adhere to and codes of conduct that can get you fired if you transgress them. So no wonder work places are awkward places to meet people!

Be pleasant and civil to them, after all you want to work in an environment where there isn't an atmosphere (trust me, nothing is more soul destroying than working in a horrible environment) but save your efforts for your spare time - join a meetup group or take a hobby where you'll already have common ground with the people there so their first impressions will be different.

dd11 · Aug 6, 2015

I think "loathe" is a very strong word. And, sometimes, we need to really think about the words we say to ourselves. Honestly, most people are just very self centered. They aren't "loathing" you. They really aren't thinking about you or anyone else for that matter. They are thinking about what they are going to do tonight, what they are going to eat for supper, blah, blah. I think you just need to go to work and focus on work. And, in the break room just be pleasant and say Hi.
But, our break room is different now than bygone years. People come in and just sit and start staring at their phones. It is just way it is now. I rarely notice anyone talking to other people anymore in the break room. Times have kind of changed in that regard.

VanillaCreme · Aug 6, 2015

You can't change how people treat you. What you can do is change how you react to it. Whether you're reading too much into it... I think that's for you to determine. Because no one else can tell you how you feel. If you feel as though it's consuming too much of your time, alter how you react to their behavior.

SofiasMami · Aug 6, 2015

h3donist said:
Are you looking to date these women? If not then why do you focus on them, rather than your male colleagues too? You might get on better with them which will make you more amenable to the female co-workers if they see you having a laugh and a joke with the men rather than sitting alone then they might warm to you more.

The problem with work places is that you are surrounded by people who you may not necessary get on with but you are all forced to spend all day sitting in a room together. If it was any other situation you, or they, could leave any time you/they wanted, but it's work - you have a job to do, and so do they. You have rules to obey, a dress code to adhere to and codes of conduct that can get you fired if you transgress them. So no wonder work places are awkward places to meet people!

Be pleasant and civil to them, after all you want to work in an environment where there isn't an atmosphere (trust me, nothing is more soul destroying than working in a horrible environment) but save your efforts for your spare time - join a meetup group or take a hobby where you'll already have common ground with the people there so their first impressions will be different.

This totally. Although I spend many hours with my colleagues, only a very, very few that I've met over the years are actually my friends. The rest are my colleagues and nothing more. I go to work, put my head down, get my work done, make sure I make the boss look good and leave.
However, if I remember correctly, you've mentioned that you believe everyone, not just your co-workers, react negatively to you. So I think your thread topic is just one layer of bigger issues that you've ruminated about on the forum.

-Teresa

ardour · Aug 9, 2015

h3donist said:
Are you looking to date these women? If not then why do you focus on them, rather than your male colleagues too?
...

Not really, most of them would have partners anyway. Of course being single there’s always the hope of meeting someone. Is that the only reason I should care about this?

Actually the majority of the friends I have are other men from work.

Triple Bogey · Aug 10, 2015

ardour said:
So I thought I might whine about this again. There’s been a couple a new people in the office since the beginning of the year. One is the replacement for the weird nasty person I ranted on about previously. She’s outwardly friendly, actually sat next to me at morning tea once. Well she must not have liked me from that short conversation; even though she makes a point of smiling and saying hello, we’ve not spoken since. Then there’s this casual part timer. The only times we’ve spoken is when she’s asked for help. Outside of this, it seems like she’s been watching my movements and does her best to avoid ‘crossing paths’ with me. They all take breaks at their desks.

And then there other young(ish) women working in the building. In contrast to men here, almost all of whom I know quite well now, most of them don't say hello or ever try to initiate conversation. If they see me in the break room they either do a double-take and walk out or sit as far away as possible, literally hunched against the magazine cupboard on the opposite end of the room. Since I’ve never attempted any non-work-related conversation with these people, all they can know about me is my appearance.

It seems my existence causes discomfort to half the population, and frankly I’m tired of being made to feel like scum.

I hate this feeling of being monitored, scrutinized simply because I’m male, have unattractive facial features and am awkward. I’ve tried everything from being friendly and relaxed to complete indifference. None of it makes any difference.

My experience about new starters is some of them talk the first day, make an effort and then after that they don't bother. A few women have done that with me over the years. I could write a thread every day regarding 'women from work' but I can't be bothered. They are what they are. Some are nice, some are nice sometimes, some are horrible.

We have this guy with learning difficulties' - he is a bit shy, awkward, when he started the women laughed at him and made jokes but in the last few weeks, some of them have acted like they feel sorry for him. I don't think all people pick on 'funny' looking people. It goes the other way sometimes.

I think you are reading too much into it. These things shouldn't bother you.

ardour · Aug 11, 2015

Triple Bogey said:
My experience about new starters is some of them talk the first day, make an effort and then after that they don't bother. A few women have done that with me over the years. I could write a thread every day regarding 'women from work' but I can't be bothered. They are what they are. Some are nice, some are nice sometimes, some are horrible.

We have this guy with learning difficulties' - he is a bit shy, awkward, when he started the women laughed at him and made jokes but in the last few weeks, some of them have acted like they feel sorry for him. I don't think all people pick on 'funny' looking people. It goes the other way sometimes.

I think you are reading too much into it. These things shouldn't bother you.

Why wouldn’t it bother me? Half of society views my existence as something that upsets them. It’s not limited to work.

I talk and behave around women the same way I do with men, yet though I get along great with men, most women seem to read an ugly subtext into my behaviour, like they intuitively ‘just know’ what I’m about and it’s invariably negative. This includes women I'm not attracted to, so I wouldn't say it's me sending out 'interested' vibes.

...someone has just deleted all the rep points they gave me after that last post, an example of the negative character assessments I get.

Sometimes · Aug 11, 2015

Do you have any guy friends that you can confide in, and trust their judgement, that you can ask if there is something in your body language that you should change?

ardour · Aug 11, 2015

Sometimes said:
Do you have any guy friends that you can confide in, and trust their judgement, that you can ask if there is something in your body language that you should change?

Yes, as said, I have male friends, and a couple of women that could be called friends too.

I'm reluctant to talk about this with anyone though. I value all the friends I have; by admitting I'm unpopular with women it opens myself up to all sorts of judgements, if not from them, from those they might mention it to.

Sometimes · Aug 11, 2015

I admit it's a risk, but since you see this as a repeating thing, that women seem to be afraid or nervous to be around you, it might be worth it.

Triple Bogey · Aug 11, 2015

ardour said:
Triple Bogey said:

My experience about new starters is some of them talk the first day, make an effort and then after that they don't bother. A few women have done that with me over the years. I could write a thread every day regarding 'women from work' but I can't be bothered. They are what they are. Some are nice, some are nice sometimes, some are horrible.

We have this guy with learning difficulties' - he is a bit shy, awkward, when he started the women laughed at him and made jokes but in the last few weeks, some of them have acted like they feel sorry for him. I don't think all people pick on 'funny' looking people. It goes the other way sometimes.

I think you are reading too much into it. These things shouldn't bother you.

Click to expand...

Why wouldn’t it bother me? Half of society views my existence as something that upsets them. It’s not limited to work.

I talk and behave around women the same way I do with men, yet though I get along great with men, most women seem to read an ugly subtext into my behaviour, like they intuitively ‘just know’ what I’m about and it’s invariably negative. This includes women I'm not attracted to, so I wouldn't say it's me sending out 'interested' vibes.

...someone has just deleted all the rep points they gave me after that last post, an example of the negative character assessments I get.

I think it's all in your head and you are looking for it.
Woman hate you because of how you look ?
I doubt that very much. You probably want women to notice you, pay you attention and when they don't, you make up these situations in your head.

Either that or you are extremely rude and arrogant. Women won't like you then but I don't think you are like that.

ardour · Aug 11, 2015

Triple Bogey said:
I doubt that very much. You probably want women to notice you, pay you attention and when they don't, you make up these situations in your head.

That's your opinion then. At this point I'd be satisfied to just fade into the background and go unnoticed, but that isn't possible either.

Women at work still loathe me

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