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Confession
#1
A few things have happened over the last few years that have woken me up from the denial and self-delusion I was living in. In 2012 I was in my early 30s and still living with my mum at home. I had no friends or girlfriends, very little evidence I was living the life of an adult. 

1. I had a massive fight at home. I was kicked out and I had to stay at my nan's and sleep on the couch. 

2. My brother and his girlfriend had a baby. My brother is 9 years younger than me. 

3. I turned 35.

I woke up. My depression, anxiety, jealousy, resentment, regret and anger took over. You're a loser, a failure, unloveable, unlikeable. You've wasted your life. This is it, you'll die with nothing. 

I never had many friends or girlfriends. I was always jealous of everyone. At one point in your life, at some point in your teens, you need to be 'one of the guys' to have a girlfriend, you need a girlfriend to be 'one of the guys'. I'm jealous of all of them. 

I started to see escorts to get some of the poison out of my system. Some, not all, not much at all, but it's a start. Work on my confidence.  It's not illegal but it's taboo. I can move on. Get some hobbies, start meeting people, going out, sort my life out. I needed to get out of that cycle. I went through it in my head. The only way out.
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#2
Sounds like you could have possibly hit rock bottom.
They say there's nowhere to go from there but up.
Good luck on the journey upward.
“Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow.’”
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#3
Oh oh, here comes Trouble Wink

Look, all of this self flagellation and jealously comes from one place, you. It's fine to put expectations on yourself and live up to them. But look at where all yours are coming from, some kind of arbitrary socio-economic baseline you get to repeatedly beat yourself over the head with every day now (and by the looks of it, you have been).

You don't owe anyone a confession, no one set these expectations on you expect you, and no one is going to forgive or condemn them to effect any kind of change except you. If you don't like sleeping with escorts then don't, put your energy into making your life the way you want it to be. The way to get out of a cycle is to get the hell out of a cycle, now, today!

You can't build real confidence with theoretical approaches or a crutch, you do it by setting real goals then knocking them over, one by one, again and again, until you are where you want to be. Then you are not just perpetually trying to build confidence, you are living it with nothing but evidence of your own ability all around you.

It doesn't matter where you are now, push to where you want to be in life, in morality, in anything you want. Never give up, never stop, you got this Smile
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried Toungue
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#4
I write these things late at night when I can't sleep and I regret them. I've spent too much time going over things in my head. Things people said to me and things I overheard. Things from 5, 10, 20 years ago.  

I've been reading pick up stuff on the Internet for years. Some of it's good. Ways to make you confident and organise your life.  Most of it is dreadful. I became obsessed with it a few years ago. My jealousy and regrets and loneliness on top have made me very neurotic. 

I'm taking some time off. I need a holiday and regular sleep and some radical lifestyle changes. Why should I care if someone says I look like I'm having a midlife crisis or I look like I'm blatantly looking for a girlfriend? I am indirectly but it's more than that, about my mental wellbeing in general. 

Thank you for being patient and understanding.
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#5
You're right about using a crutch. I've used everything as a crutch since I was still at school. Spending money, alcohol, smoking, watching TV, Internet, Facebook. I guess that's the thing those 'alpha males' I obsess about don't do!
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#6
Pick Up Artists, Trouble I pray you are not talking about that guy with the furry dr. suess looking hat. This is where you "neg" the woman right? To bring her down a few notches in her own confidence by your cool indifference to her charms so that she wants to win your favor (assuming she can't live without male validation) and her need to please and accommodate will kick in and she'll bang you so that she can "win." I seriously cannot imagine this working, and anyone that this would work on you could probably get without the tactics and just some basic attention and interesting things to contribute.

Do you exercise?

I suffer from a lot of the things you mentioned in your post, I don't live with my parents, and have lived my life according to my own schedule and filled it with what I wanted or thought I wanted at the time. It sounds like you have too, maybe it's just time to start wanting more. What do you think you want?

My goals right now are a healthy body, an even state of mind, a relationship that is stable and a job I don't hate (I picked a career path that I ended up resenting wholly for what it is and I've been kind of resetting for the last year). I started exercising about 9 months ago 4-6 times a week. I starting exercising because I felt like I was starting to 'lose it'- a bit like you sound above, just really getting negative on myself, and that was something I could immediately change and control that was positive. I am 35 too and feel like I just woke up to the fact that I do want to have a family.

At the end of the day, no one is really watching. As judged as you feel by everyone, it's not like anyone really cares that much about what you're doing with your life except you. Removing the notion that people are watching, judging, having time or space to really be affected much by your personal choices with what you do or how you live can be freeing. Make choices for yourself and forget about what everyone else is doing or what you think they're doing. Most people are messes IMO, and I feel like the people who have or take the time to really look at themselves and the obstacles at hand have a better chance to succeed at making lasting self improvement and achieving the goals they set.

Good luck on your journey!
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#7
Some of the stuff on those pick up websites about a social hierarchy of alphas and betas and omegas. It's as poisonous as Facebook and tinder for your confidence and comparing yourself. I've shut those down by the way. 

Exercising. Constructive and fulfilling hobbies and relationships. All good and I know that's the way to go. I'm depressed and stuck in a rut.
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#8
I'll add celebrities, advertising and porn to that list. Self esteem killers and time wasters. No wonder people are unhappy.
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#9
(01-18-2017, 07:58 PM)trouble79 Wrote: Some of the stuff on those pick up websites about a social hierarchy of alphas and betas and omegas. It's as poisonous as Facebook and tinder for your confidence and comparing yourself. I've shut those down by the way. 

Exercising. Constructive and fulfilling hobbies and relationships. All good and I know that's the way to go. I'm depressed and stuck in a rut.

You're not wrong, think about the people who typically use that terminology, do the ones not directly selling you on something seem like particularly happy people to you? Did you ever wonder why no one out there in the real world actually uses this terminology?

It's a trap and worse it's an automatically limiting, oversimplified and skewed view of reality. No use for that mindset. 

The two most productive things you have in life are choices and the time in front. Use both for full effect Smile You have nothing to prove to anyone and nothing to make up for, what you have is the freedom to make the life you want, use every last drop Smile
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried Toungue
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#10
(01-18-2017, 07:58 PM)trouble79 Wrote: Some of the stuff on those pick up websites about a social hierarchy of alphas and betas and omegas. It's as poisonous as Facebook and tinder for your confidence and comparing yourself. I've shut those down by the way. 

Exercising. Constructive and fulfilling hobbies and relationships. All good and I know that's the way to go. I'm depressed and stuck in a rut.

Oh yeah while I'm over here blabbing about how I found my path out of my own hole- I got off Facebook and Instagram too. Don't even miss it but sad to realize most people don't bother to keep up in real life, so I have no idea what's going on with my "friends" anymore, but seriously, much happier.   Can't shake the stupid celebrity news and the keeping up with the jones culture we have now, but bragadoccio to me is even more sad than being sad, so that makes me feel better.  

Hope you come out of your rut soon, not trying to pep talk you or anything, just wanted you to know I get it!
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