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Changing your inner voice
#1
Hi all! I've been browsing since I joined and everyone seems great. I'm very happy I found this place.  Smile I do struggle with self worth a lot. 

I once read a book in my quest to fix myself that talked about an 'inner voice'. A combination of all your experiences since childhood that shaped how you 'talk' to yourself. I apologise if I haven't explained that well! The book didnt help that much either...

Now my inner voice is very much negative. My childhood wasn't great and I suspect this moulded me the most. My dad was an abusive drunk who abused my mum. Me and my sister were witness to everything and frequently used as leverage. My mum is more difficult to explain. She was an abused wife so I forgive her for many of her flaws as a parent. But she was also a woman who stole her childrens savings or left them with inappropriate people. A woman who frequently tries to commit suicide and then blames her children as the cause for not loving her enough. I at least now realise that it's my parents voices I hear most days.

Other things along the years reinforced this image so now I'm left with this impenetrable fact inside me that I am not worthy of anyone's attention. My own mother would rather be dead because of how I make her feel. I know her actions are due to her own mental illness but it doesn't stop the 'voice' niggling away.

When people try to befriend me, they repulse me and I inevitably push them away. How can they not see that I'm worthless? My family does. Obviously they are either stupid, desperate or it's a joke or bet. 

My mum divorced my dad and saved some of the money so she could buy me and my sister our wedding dresses. My sister is now married and has a beautiful family. My mum spent my half on herself. She said it was because she knew I would never meet anyone or get married so I didn't need it...

I'm trying to change how I view myself but it is difficult. 28 years of fact is hard to view as opinion.

What do others think? Do you think you can change your 'inner voice'?

Thanks for reading. I appreciate it's a long one!
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#2
(06-22-2017, 05:50 AM)orca89 Wrote: Hi all! I've been browsing since I joined and everyone seems great. I'm very happy I found this place.  Smile I do struggle with self worth a lot. 

I once read a book in my quest to fix myself that talked about an 'inner voice'. A combination of all your experiences since childhood that shaped how you 'talk' to yourself. I apologise if I haven't explained that well! The book didnt help that much either...

Now my inner voice is very much negative. My childhood wasn't great and I suspect this moulded me the most. My dad was an abusive drunk who abused my mum. Me and my sister were witness to everything and frequently used as leverage. My mum is more difficult to explain. She was an abused wife so I forgive her for many of her flaws as a parent. But she was also a woman who stole her childrens savings or left them with inappropriate people. A woman who frequently tries to commit suicide and then blames her children as the cause for not loving her enough. I at least now realise that it's my parents voices I hear most days.

Other things along the years reinforced this image so now I'm left with this impenetrable fact inside me that I am not worthy of anyone's attention. My own mother would rather be dead because of how I make her feel. I know her actions are due to her own mental illness but it doesn't stop the 'voice' niggling away.

When people try to befriend me, they repulse me and I inevitably push them away. How can they not see that I'm worthless? My family does. Obviously they are either stupid, desperate or it's a joke or bet. 

My mum divorced my dad and saved some of the money so she could buy me and my sister our wedding dresses. My sister is now married and has a beautiful family. My mum spent my half on herself. She said it was because she knew I would never meet anyone or get married so I didn't need it...

I'm trying to change how I view myself but it is difficult. 28 years of fact is hard to view as opinion.

What do others think? Do you think you can change your 'inner voice'?

Thanks for reading. I appreciate it's a long one!
Hi, I think you can but it's damned hard. I was in a relationship where I was told for years that I was stupid, worthless, lazy etc etc and after a while it's like being brainwashed. You really believe it's true. But more than that in your mind it's an irrefutable fact and no matter how many times you're told otherwise you can't shift that core belief. People get frustrated when I brush off their positive comments but they don't understand how set in concrete my negative self belief is. I don't even feel like I'm good enough for anyone to be interested in me. It's a really hard thing to challenge, and I'm still struggling with it. It's easier to keep believing the negative than to fight it. But it is other people's voices and negative opinions you're hearing. It's not the truth. They are the ones with the problems, not you. You don't have to carry other people's baggage. It's going to take strength, hard constant work and lots of setbacks. I found it helpful to seek some professional advice too. Be strong and keep trying.
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#3
Hi there
My life story is almost like yours ,My father was an abusive too ,I know it's really hard to change inner voice ,I was very negative thinking person ,and I can say I am still.I can't forget all of that bad memories ,i want to but i don't think i will ever be.because whenever life gets sucks i randomly starting remember all of bad memories which my life given me.
one of my good friend wisely told me If i don't try to change my negative thoughts i will never get rid of that memories ,but it's really hard to change anything ,but it's not impossible too.
I am still fighting with this.
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#4
Hi guys.

Thanks for your words!
I completely agree with you Shassta. It is so difficult to ignore what's been pushed down your throat for so long. But it's a reflection of their problems, not ours! We are beautiful people! I did see a therapist for a while. Not sure if he helped. I so wanted it to but I think it just made me pretend to be better instead of actually being better...

Hi Pinocio. Youre right. It is hard but we have to keep trying 😁
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#5
(06-22-2017, 05:50 AM)orca89 Wrote: She was an abused wife so I forgive her for many of her flaws as a parent. But she was also a woman who stole her childrens savings or left them with inappropriate people. A woman who frequently tries to commit suicide and then blames her children as the cause for not loving her enough.

I don't understand how you can forgive her so easily.
Okay, let's look at this a little differently. Your father was an alcoholic. Was he just mean when he was drinking or was he mean all the time? (No, I'm not saying it's right either way, I'm just looking for a little more backstory) But, your father never abused you or your sister?
Now, let's look at your mother. Yes, she was an abused wife, but how is that your fault? How is it okay for her to blame everything on you and your sister? She could have left, she could have gotten you and your sister out of there. SHE abused YOU mentally. I'm sorry, but there's no way around that one, if she did what you said frequently, she's just as bad as your father.

(06-22-2017, 05:50 AM)orca89 Wrote: When people try to befriend me, they repulse me and I inevitably push them away. How can they not see that I'm worthless? My family does. Obviously they are either stupid, desperate or it's a joke or bet. 

Okay, first, of course you're not worthless, no one is worthless, but I understand how your mind is working in this area, so let's say you are. Who cares? Shouldn't it be THEIR decision whether or not they want a friend like you? Who cares if they are desperate or stupid, would that make them less of a friend?


(06-22-2017, 05:50 AM)orca89 Wrote: My mum spent my half on herself. She said it was because she knew I would never meet anyone or get married so I didn't need it...
More mental abuse....

(06-22-2017, 05:50 AM)orca89 Wrote: I'm trying to change how I view myself but it is difficult. 28 years of fact is hard to view as opinion.

How is it fact? It sounds to me like it's abuse that was done for so long that you started to believe it. Find people that truly love you (what about your sister?) and try to look at yourself through their eyes. I know it's difficult to think about yourself from another perspective when you feel like you do, but try to do it anyway.

(06-22-2017, 05:50 AM)orca89 Wrote: What do others think? Do you think you can change your 'inner voice'?

Lots of people, including me, have done it, so yeah, you can do it, but it's not easy. I feel that when people remain the way they are it's because they are scared to change it. What if they do all the hard work and nothing changes? If that makes sense.

Write down your positive traits. Don't say you don't have any, of course you have a lot. Look at them every time you feel down. Keep adding to it when you think of more. If you can trust your sister, ask her if she will do the same, write down some positive traits about you.

Write down what you want to change about yourself. Ask yourself if it would be completely impossible to change it. Ask yourself how you could go about changing it.

What hobbies do you have? Do you exercise at all? Are you around people a lot?
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#6
Hi Callie. How are you?

Thank you for your response.  You make a lot of sense. Sorry I don't have a laptop and I can't seem to work the quote function on my phone...

Yes, you're right I am scared to change. What if I do and I still have no one? That would crush me. I'll try to answer your questions but I want to say my life is probably not that bad compared to most. This is my first forum experience and I don't want my posts to exaggerate my circumstances because I'm wallowing. Does that make sense? I don't even think it does to me! 

My dad is a violent drunk but he is mean when sober too. Just a different mean. Much more verbal put downs and judgement. I was never hit but there was emotional and verbal abuse from him.

I struggle to explain my mum. She has depression and paranoia. I feel sorry for her and I also hate her. Which makes me feel awful about myself so I try to be good to her. She is like a child herself, very emotional and needy. Some one she knows could not wave to her and she thinks they hate her and are talking about her. My sister just shouts at her which makes it worse so then I'm left as peacemaker. I'm sure she took our savings fully intending to give them back but then just didn't... That's how she is. The wedding dress money again, I don't think she meant it that way. It was her money and I wasn't needing it so she spent it. To her the things she said were just fact. I don't think she meant them to be hurtful. Now it sounds like I'm defending her but I just don't know how to fully describe her.

I love your idea of a book! I have tried something similar but I will try that. Not promising it will last... But I will start with good intentions.
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