O
orca89
Guest
Hi all! I've been browsing since I joined and everyone seems great. I'm very happy I found this place. I do struggle with self worth a lot.
I once read a book in my quest to fix myself that talked about an 'inner voice'. A combination of all your experiences since childhood that shaped how you 'talk' to yourself. I apologise if I haven't explained that well! The book didnt help that much either...
Now my inner voice is very much negative. My childhood wasn't great and I suspect this moulded me the most. My dad was an abusive drunk who abused my mum. Me and my sister were witness to everything and frequently used as leverage. My mum is more difficult to explain. She was an abused wife so I forgive her for many of her flaws as a parent. But she was also a woman who stole her childrens savings or left them with inappropriate people. A woman who frequently tries to commit suicide and then blames her children as the cause for not loving her enough. I at least now realise that it's my parents voices I hear most days.
Other things along the years reinforced this image so now I'm left with this impenetrable fact inside me that I am not worthy of anyone's attention. My own mother would rather be dead because of how I make her feel. I know her actions are due to her own mental illness but it doesn't stop the 'voice' niggling away.
When people try to befriend me, they repulse me and I inevitably push them away. How can they not see that I'm worthless? My family does. Obviously they are either stupid, desperate or it's a joke or bet.
My mum divorced my dad and saved some of the money so she could buy me and my sister our wedding dresses. My sister is now married and has a beautiful family. My mum spent my half on herself. She said it was because she knew I would never meet anyone or get married so I didn't need it...
I'm trying to change how I view myself but it is difficult. 28 years of fact is hard to view as opinion.
What do others think? Do you think you can change your 'inner voice'?
Thanks for reading. I appreciate it's a long one!
I once read a book in my quest to fix myself that talked about an 'inner voice'. A combination of all your experiences since childhood that shaped how you 'talk' to yourself. I apologise if I haven't explained that well! The book didnt help that much either...
Now my inner voice is very much negative. My childhood wasn't great and I suspect this moulded me the most. My dad was an abusive drunk who abused my mum. Me and my sister were witness to everything and frequently used as leverage. My mum is more difficult to explain. She was an abused wife so I forgive her for many of her flaws as a parent. But she was also a woman who stole her childrens savings or left them with inappropriate people. A woman who frequently tries to commit suicide and then blames her children as the cause for not loving her enough. I at least now realise that it's my parents voices I hear most days.
Other things along the years reinforced this image so now I'm left with this impenetrable fact inside me that I am not worthy of anyone's attention. My own mother would rather be dead because of how I make her feel. I know her actions are due to her own mental illness but it doesn't stop the 'voice' niggling away.
When people try to befriend me, they repulse me and I inevitably push them away. How can they not see that I'm worthless? My family does. Obviously they are either stupid, desperate or it's a joke or bet.
My mum divorced my dad and saved some of the money so she could buy me and my sister our wedding dresses. My sister is now married and has a beautiful family. My mum spent my half on herself. She said it was because she knew I would never meet anyone or get married so I didn't need it...
I'm trying to change how I view myself but it is difficult. 28 years of fact is hard to view as opinion.
What do others think? Do you think you can change your 'inner voice'?
Thanks for reading. I appreciate it's a long one!