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Suicide? I can't keep fighting...
#1
First of all, no I haven't got any plans to commit suicide yet. But I am scared enough of me just doing it that I'm writing a suicide note on my tablet to be found if I die. I need to get this all off my chest if anyone cares please read.

I can't keep fighting, I feel like my entire life I've been struggling to keep my head above water and watching everyone paddle about. I grew up without really seeing my Dad, I'd see him 1 week every year because of money and school. For some reason I'd always look out for him in school plays though, because he surprised me once when I knew he was coming but didn't know when he would get here. I got used to disappointment quickly.  Watching other dads play with their sons in the park while my mum did her best was really hard. She'd have woke me, got me dressed, fed me, done the dishes, hoovered, you name it then she'd still play with me. She even admitted to me as I got older how hard it was.

Then I went to the probably the roughest school in my area. Fights everyday, gangs etc. Got used to watching my back. I used to envy my cousin when we talked about school he would talk about girls and I'd be talking about a kid bringing in a bb gun to shoot someone in the head and getting arrested (This was only primary school!). Still, somehow I tried to stay optimistic. Thinking to myself "things'll change once I'm in high school" but of course again I went to the roughest high school. The first year I went they changed it from an all boys school to a mixed in the hope girls might quieten some of the boys down...ha! Then came anxiety, it started with not turning up to classes because if the door was shut (there was no windows) I would be too scared to go in incase it was the wrong class. Then it became going to school, then it became going out of the house. Now a nice few years of crippling depression where I lost most of my friends because I didn't think anyone would want to hang around me. The only friend I had at the time lived in my block. Genuinely the realest, nicest, most down to earth man you'd ever meet. I looked up to him like a brother I never had, I actually remember sitting in my room imagining what he would say to my mum if I killed myself. Then he moved and we didn't talk much but we would have always been there for eachother. If you can't tell where this is leading by now it gets a lot worse. He took his life because of his ex not letting him see his kids, they were his world and when she took them he had nothing to fight for anymore. At this time I had just made a new friend and he was really good to me, trying to bring me out of my shell. When the news came through what had happened, it was like living in a parallel universe. I remember thinking I was going to pass out when I read it. Honestly, seeing his mum post about him on Facebook still kills me.

Now let's take you quickly to my teenage years, no girls...oh no! Gun in my face at 12, a knife saved my life at around 14. And a massive fire nearly burned down our block. We struggled to eat properly as money became tighter. And things started taking a toll on my mum, she'd been fighting as well this whole time and I realized I had to start doing my part. Which a lot of the time was just look scary and be ready to fight anyone who tries to push through the door (Robbers or Bailiffs). I walked everywhere with my knife, slept with a hatchet next to me and another knife and bat by the door. It was at this age I started thinking "what girl is ever going to want to live this life?" I know a lot of people are in similar positions but I seemed to always be in the thick of it. It was my friends getting stabbed, robbed at gunpoint etc. But again I told myself things will get better... naturally things didn't.

Now I'm living in a different country with my dad where I don't even understand the language. Have no job options but to work with him, and I'm still not any nearer to getting a girlfriend (Hell, I'd be over the moon with a one night stand)  and considering I've not gone to high school really I don't really know how to flirt or anything. I mean I do, but not very well. Also I managed to get mugged for half the money I have yesterday, that's what I get for letting my guard down for the first time in my life. Honestly, I would do anything for a girl that just cared. After a hard day I have no-one to talk to but this site, and I can't really hug my tablet when I'm upset.

Finally! This leads me to now, I don't know how long I can keep doing this. I'm at my wits end. Sometimes I get scared when I'm drunk I'll just swim out into the sea and hope the tide takes me away. The only thing that stops me killing myself right now is my mum. She deserves to see her son succeed after everything she's done for me. But all I want now is a Girl, maybe a kid in ths future. I just want to know what that love feels like before I die. Even if I don't commit suicide, I'll probably accidentally kill myself anyway because I just don't care. I feel like a boxer that after winning a fight gets told he has another opponent, again and again and again. I'm tired of swinging!

I've still left so much out it's incredible when I think how I've survived, I swear if I ever have kids I'll make sure they never live the life I have. I know there's so many people worse than me so it makes me feel like I can't complain.

Sorry, when I started writing this I thought it was going to be a quick "I'm so tired of fighting" the end! So if you read all the way down to here. Thank you for reading.

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#2
You've come too far to quit now so keep on keeping on.

One of the many worrisome topics you raised was the possibility of some sort of mishap taking your life while you're having suicidal ideations.  Plenty of medical examiners have concluded that plenty of deaths were 50% suicide and 50% accident.  Be careful what kind of risky situations you might enter while engaging suicidal thoughts....maybe not plans, but thoughts.

I say that 'cause I've been in that space.  I'm lucky to have lived through some awful years and come out the other side still alive.
Contentment comes from within.  Do not seek it from outside yourself.

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#3
(07-22-2017, 11:34 AM)constant stranger Wrote: You've come too far to quit now so keep on keeping on.

One of the many worrisome topics you raised was the possibility of some sort of mishap taking your life while you're having suicidal ideations.  Plenty of medical examiners have concluded that plenty of deaths were 50% suicide and 50% accident.  Be careful what kind of risky situations you might enter while engaging suicidal thoughts....maybe not plans, but thoughts.

I say that 'cause I've been in that space.  I'm lucky to have lived through some awful years and come out the other side still alive.

Thank you but I'm so tired of struggling. I just wish I was like some people my age, going on trips to Amsterdam with their girlfriends and shit.

Yep what you said about suicidal thoughts is true, that's why I got mugged. I put myself in that position, a part of me knew I was going to get mugged. I almost wanted someone to just stab me. Infact I was chasing after the guy thinking I hope he has friends round the corner waiting for me. If I'm going to die, I'm too much of a pussy to do it myself.

I hope one day I can just call this "some awful years" because it feels like my life has been one long struggle to survive.

Thank you for reading though! It means a lot.

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#4
When life sucks, dedicate yourself to living a life of service to others. That's the secret, but no one truly considers it.
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#5
Don't kill yourself man.

I don't know exactly what you're feeling but you seem like a strong person. My life seems easy compared to yours. I mean, no one's ever tried to kill me. So you're tough.

You seem young, you have lot's of time to find a woman in your life.

and like bleed said, try helping others. it really does work.
"Life,
its beauty is magnificent.
It breaks my heart to know that I will die
before I have experienced
everything there is to experience."
-P.L.R.
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#6
I still have a scar on my lower abdomen where I was stabbed by the LA gang we used to fight. I was 13 years old at the time.
I don't know how you deal with it, but I decided I wasn't going to let life win. Life sucks, then you die. That's always what I was told and what I noticed. I decided to prove it wrong. I decided if there was one great, evil force, hellbent on making my life a living hell, I was going to prove it wrong and make myself happy even if it killed me.

Of course I'm tired. Everyone gets tired. After the nightmares and the insomnia left by all that, I'm dead. But I'm still determined.
What are you gonna do, let the bad guys win? Fight it man. Pick yourself back up, even if it's hopeless. ESPECIALLY if it's hopeless, because there's nothing more beautiful than fighting for a hopeless cause.
And maybe, just maybe, somewhere along the way, you'll find something to make it all worthwhile. It might be a cause. It might be a girl. In my care, it was my kids. Every time I look into those two sweet little faces, it makes all I've been through trivial, and worth it.
Just hang in there bro. Keep fighting the fight. Life's a struggle, but we're going to tame that b****.

Good luck man.
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#7
Osiris,
Our life story is almost the same i am also thinking about ending my life but scared to do it i think about my mum and my siblings specially you said "She deserves to see her son succeed after everything she's done for me" this is exactly what comes to my mind as well.

My Primary and Secondary school were in good area but i never had friends always used to get bullied and made fun of and those teenage days were nothing to me as well never had a gf as well just like how you stated and at the age of 14 i lost my father in a car accident .

being lonely sucks no doubt i was buying love with money just to feel loved i ended up paying allot that caused me more depressed as well so yes i also do some risky behaviors as well like driving an 2001 car rusted getting it into maximum speed like 100 to 110mph hoping something goes wrong and i die.

I feel your pain bro we need to keep our head above water and HOPEFULLY better days will come like others suggested we should dedicate ourself to living a life of service to others i might try it too
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#8
Just like me you reached out here before taking action.

I will leave you a quote, that has - and will keep me alive for a long time. Its from the book "The steppenwolf by Herman hesse" i recommend a read.

"All suicides have the responsibility of fighting against the temptation of suicide. Every one of them knows very well in some corner of his soul that suicide, though a way out, is rather a mean and shabby one, and that it is nobler and finer to be conquered by life than to fall by one's own hand."
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#9
(07-22-2017, 09:04 AM)Osiris Wrote: First of all, no I haven't got any plans to commit suicide yet. But I am scared enough of me just doing it that I'm writing a suicide note on my tablet to be found if I die. I need to get this all off my chest if anyone cares please read.

I can't keep fighting, I feel like my entire life I've been struggling to keep my head above water and watching everyone paddle about. I grew up without really seeing my Dad, I'd see him 1 week every year because of money and school. For some reason I'd always look out for him in school plays though, because he surprised me once when I knew he was coming but didn't know when he would get here. I got used to disappointment quickly.  Watching other dads play with their sons in the park while my mum did her best was really hard. She'd have woke me, got me dressed, fed me, done the dishes, hoovered, you name it then she'd still play with me. She even admitted to me as I got older how hard it was.

Then I went to the probably the roughest school in my area. Fights everyday, gangs etc. Got used to watching my back. I used to envy my cousin when we talked about school he would talk about girls and I'd be talking about a kid bringing in a bb gun to shoot someone in the head and getting arrested (This was only primary school!). Still, somehow I tried to stay optimistic. Thinking to myself "things'll change once I'm in high school" but of course again I went to the roughest high school. The first year I went they changed it from an all boys school to a mixed in the hope girls might quieten some of the boys down...ha! Then came anxiety, it started with not turning up to classes because if the door was shut (there was no windows) I would be too scared to go in incase it was the wrong class. Then it became going to school, then it became going out of the house. Now a nice few years of crippling depression where I lost most of my friends because I didn't think anyone would want to hang around me. The only friend I had at the time lived in my block. Genuinely the realest, nicest, most down to earth man you'd ever meet. I looked up to him like a brother I never had, I actually remember sitting in my room imagining what he would say to my mum if I killed myself. Then he moved and we didn't talk much but we would have always been there for eachother. If you can't tell where this is leading by now it gets a lot worse. He took his life because of his ex not letting him see his kids, they were his world and when she took them he had nothing to fight for anymore. At this time I had just made a new friend and he was really good to me, trying to bring me out of my shell. When the news came through what had happened, it was like living in a parallel universe. I remember thinking I was going to pass out when I read it. Honestly, seeing his mum post about him on Facebook still kills me.

Now let's take you quickly to my teenage years, no girls...oh no! Gun in my face at 12, a knife saved my life at around 14. And a massive fire nearly burned down our block. We struggled to eat properly as money became tighter. And things started taking a toll on my mum, she'd been fighting as well this whole time and I realized I had to start doing my part. Which a lot of the time was just look scary and be ready to fight anyone who tries to push through the door (Robbers or Bailiffs). I walked everywhere with my knife, slept with a hatchet next to me and another knife and bat by the door. It was at this age I started thinking "what girl is ever going to want to live this life?" I know a lot of people are in similar positions but I seemed to always be in the thick of it. It was my friends getting stabbed, robbed at gunpoint etc. But again I told myself things will get better... naturally things didn't.

Now I'm living in a different country with my dad where I don't even understand the language. Have no job options but to work with him, and I'm still not any nearer to getting a girlfriend (Hell, I'd be over the moon with a one night stand)  and considering I've not gone to high school really I don't really know how to flirt or anything. I mean I do, but not very well. Also I managed to get mugged for half the money I have yesterday, that's what I get for letting my guard down for the first time in my life. Honestly, I would do anything for a girl that just cared. After a hard day I have no-one to talk to but this site, and I can't really hug my tablet when I'm upset.

Finally! This leads me to now, I don't know how long I can keep doing this. I'm at my wits end. Sometimes I get scared when I'm drunk I'll just swim out into the sea and hope the tide takes me away. The only thing that stops me killing myself right now is my mum. She deserves to see her son succeed after everything she's done for me. But all I want now is a Girl, maybe a kid in ths future. I just want to know what that love feels like before I die. Even if I don't commit suicide, I'll probably accidentally kill myself anyway because I just don't care. I feel like a boxer that after winning a fight gets told he has another opponent, again and again and again. I'm tired of swinging!

I've still left so much out it's incredible when I think how I've survived, I swear if I ever have kids I'll make sure they never live the life I have. I know there's so many people worse than me so it makes me feel like I can't complain.

Sorry, when I started writing this I thought it was going to be a quick "I'm so tired of fighting" the end! So if you read all the way down to here. Thank you for reading.

Osiris (God of the dead and the judge of the underworld) 
I wish I could give  you my strength to help you with what you're going through.

fortunately I have given the strength to handle sadness, crying and able to suppress depression.  I'm just able to block all of these things and I wished I could help you and many others.  But I am here if you ever need to talk to someone. 
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#10
(08-05-2017, 05:30 AM)princess Wrote: "All suicides have the responsibility of fighting against the temptation of suicide. Every one of them knows very well in some corner of his soul that suicide, though a way out, is rather a mean and shabby one, and that it is nobler and finer to be conquered by life than to fall by one's own hand."

^ I agree with this.
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